It's Sunday night and I'm finally heading home after running errands, picking up groceries and some Chinese takeout for dinner.
As I insert my keys into the door, I can't help but feel a little emptier than usual. I balance the two grocery bags and a to-go box precariously between my arms, gently bumping the door open with my side. My heart sinks upon entering the empty condo as the rest of the night stretches out ahead of me with no plans except what this place has to offer.
I put away the groceries, which is pretty fast. How can I make the most of the night to make the start of the work week less monotonous: Netflix? Do I have any good books?
[[Walk over to the bookshelf|bookshelf]]A gentle tug of the heartstrings falls to me as I glance at the photo on the wall. It's of my high school graduation with my family, smiling faces and a glimmer of excitement in my eye, anticipating freedom and the opportunity to finally realize my full potential.
Only here I am at 30 feeling like I've both reached my potential and incredibly, utterly unfulfilled.
[[Plop down on the sofa and dig into the chow mein|sofa]]This life is what I had dreamed about at 18. I have everything I could want career-wise. As a business major, I decided that I wanted to work my way up the corporate ladder. With a combination of late nights, great bosses and the willingness to learn, I moved up pretty quickly. Now that I'm a director at a large tech company, I'm feeling...a little trapped.
...
So this is where my mind wanders to when I get a little downtime.
[[Pour glass of wine|wine]]Why am I feeling unfulfilled?
I checked off all the boxes: graduate high school? Check. Get into my dream college? Check. Get decent grades, an internship and a business degree? Check, check, check.
So why am I questioning it all now?
Looking around the room, I spot pieces I've designed and curated, a landscape on canvas and a glass-blown ornament.
[[Head over to the wall|wall]]I'm getting ready for the work day when I start singing in the shower. A melody that takes me back to my elementary school days full of memorizing lines and choreography and performing at recitals. A quick flash and I'm there again, acting on stage, which I did every Wednesday after school for a few years. Feeling inspired and alive.
I begin to reminisce about other moments where I felt inspired and alive, like...
[[The time I won the 100m dash in middle school|running]]
[[Writing my first poem|poem]]
[[Volunteering at the local animal shelter|animals]](set: $milestone to "running") I thrived on working hard and trying to beat my personal best at each track meet. I was solely responsible in knowing exactly what I needed to do and loved having milestones to track.
[[Shower and get ready for work|shower]](set: $milestone to "poem")I loved the craft of imagining the feelings I wanted to express, and trying to get it all down in the right way. Not too wordy, and with a certain rhythm. I was so focused. The best moments were when I was in the flow and the words would just come pouring out.
[[Shower and get ready for work|shower]](set: $milestone to "animals")I deeply enjoyed caring for and playing with the kittens and puppies, as well as the older animals. It gave me peace knowing that in their wait to find a home, I could do something to bring them some comfort in the meantime.
[[Shower and get ready for work|shower]]These moments made me feel like I was accomplishing something that was truly in line with my personality and what resonated in the world around me.
It was authentic, and I want to get that feeling back in my life.
[[Head to work|desk]]I dabbled in different mediums growing up, as the call to be creative came. But they were constantly seasons in my life, and I haven't stayed interested long enough to achieve mastery, let alone past the beginning stages of my fleeting hobbies.
I have to admit though. There is the thrill of putting something down on paper, or a blank canvas for the first time. Crafting with my own two hands, delighting in creating something that never was, struggling with it not coming out the way I want, then achieving breakthrough and finding joy.
How do I bring that back into my life? This contemplative thought is the last one for the night as I brush my teeth and turn in.
[[Go to bed|October 1]]As I settle into my desk and wait for my laptop to start up, I kept thinking about what I could do to make my life feel more authentic, more me.
I don't seem to feel this way now because I've been letting my environment dictate my actions instead of the other way around. Rather than feeling blessed and being in tune with what resonates, I viewed everything as a hustle-- trying to achieve and strive and fight rather than understand if my actions are aligned with what I really valued out of life. Is this fixable? Am I happy?
[[Head to the water cooler|water cooler]]A silly thought pops into my head.(if: $milestone is "running")[What if I could be as happy at work as I was doing when I ran my heart out at the track meet.](if: $milestone is "poem")[What if I could be as happy at work as I was doing when I wrote my first poem.](if: $milestone is "animals")[What if I could be as happy at work as I was doing when I volunteered at the shelter.]
Ultimately how I feel is a choice. Right? How can I be more passionate about my work and come alive?
"Hey!"
[[Turn towards the voice|coworker]]Double-click this passage to edit it.
[[Prologue]](set: $name to (prompt: "Hey, ", "Enter your name"))"Hey, $name. I need your advice."
What can I help you with?"
Janice looked a little frazzled. "Derek took my pitch idea for a new project proposal. We're under a tight deadline, and he has quickly bonded with the lead from the other team we'll be collaborating with. This is the third time I'll be escalating his behavior, and team morale is already pretty low. Should I say anything at this point?"
I've always valued
[[honesty]]
[[compassion]]
[[courage]]I've always valued honesty, so I tell her, "Yes, definitely say something. If you stay quiet you'll resent the next six months working on the project." (set: $isMainValue to "honesty")
Janice nods. "You're right, $name. I knew the answer and I guess I just needed to hear it out loud."
"Good luck," I reply and head back to my desk.
[[Head back to desk|back to desk]]I've always valued compassion, so I tell her, "Yes, definitely say something but approach it from a kind place. If you aren't mindful about how you approach it, morale may become even lower."(set: $isMainValue to "compassion")
Janice nods. "You're right, $name. I knew the answer and I guess I just needed to hear it out loud."
"Good luck," I reply and head back to my desk.
[[Head back to desk|back to desk]]I've always valued courage, so I tell her, "Yes, definitely say something and don't worry about how many times it's happened-- that's no excuse for that type of behavior. You speaking up will be an example for others in the same situation."(set: $isMainValue to "courage")
Janice nods. "You're right, $name. I knew the answer and I guess I just needed to hear it out loud."
"Good luck," I reply and head back to my desk.
[[Head back to desk|back to desk]]I think back to Janice's situation. She's definitely passionate about doing a great job. She's moved up from intern to product manager pretty quickly, and she really thrives in producing the best work. I could tell that lately she's felt a little deflated though. We haven't been having lunch as often because she's constantly trying to stay on top of things like this situation with Derek.
As she mentioned, she already knows what she needs to do but I know it helps to have that reassurance.
I value $isMainValue as I mentioned to her, and maybe that's the problem with my current situation. I haven't been able to express my values, and haven't been able to discover for myself if I'm in alignment with myself.
Growing up, I felt fulfilled. I had time to sing, to $milestone, and live with $isMainValue to do things I enjoyed.
Looking back, my life has told a compelling story of the person I wanted to become so far. But is it still the story of who I want to be, or become?
"$name!"
[[Turn around]]I quickly turn around to face Natalie, who has one eyebrow raised.
"Yes, Natalie?"
She's tapping her foot impatiently. Natalie has been my boss for almost four months now, and I'm still trying to feel her out. I don't know if she's this uptight with everyone, or just me.
"$name, did you get my email?"
"Not yet, I just got here and the internet is slow. What's up?"
"We need your analysis of online shoppers on mobile devices flowed into this afternoon's presentation deck. It was supposed to be completed yesterday."
"Right, and I gave you an update yesterday afternoon that our analytics team had to run the numbers again and it will be ready by 10 am."
"Can you at least put what you have as a placeholder?"
"It wouldn't be accurate."
"Fine, just get something in before noon." Her heels click on the modern wood floors as she hunts down other colleagues to get things from.
This isn't what I signed up for. I should be in spreadsheets, digging deep into what I was hired to do instead of conducting market research. We're short-staffed though, and it's not like Natalie has taken the time to understand what I do.
I pause mid-thought. I haven't been doing a great job standing up for myself and educating Natalie about what I'm actually passionate about. I should be feeling the same way about my job that Janice did, and standing up for myself.
Being here is ultimately my choice.
[[Check email|check email]]After checking my emails and getting the presentation slide with the right numbers in, I head out to an early lunch with Janice. Yes, she finally decided to come up for air.
"Janice, how can I be more like you? Lately I've been feeling like my current job is not fulfilling me the way it used to."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I see you really in it, doing your best to make sure all your goals are accomplished and it's easy to tell you enjoy it. As for me, it feels like I want to be somewhere else. But I have no clue why."
"You worked really hard to get here, $name!"
"I know. But this past weekend I've been questioning how my ideal life would look like. What If I
[[decided to travel and live abroad?|live abroad]]
[[started my own freelance business?|freelance]]
[[pursued a singing career?|singer]]
"It's simple. It won't happen overnight, but if I change my mindset and make improvements to my current lifestyle I could start looking up places I'd want to live and figure out what I'd need to do to move there."
"That's so...random! But I like where you're going with it. It sounds like you know the first steps, too."
"I'm still playing around with the idea, definitely not committed yet."
"How would you work?"
"I would do some exploring there, too. The first step would be figuring out what is bothering me about this job though. Have I lost my touch for this career? Or is it just this location, this team..."
"...Or Natalie?" Janice eyed me knowingly. She sits on the other end of the hall, so is pretty familiar with Natalie's heel clicking multiple times a day.
I gave her a smile. We're at a local cafe with many employees within earshot. "In any case, I've been feeling the need to be more creative in my life."
"You know what, me too. But that's why I've been able to thrive here for so long. Even if what I do isn't the most expressive creating, I'm still problem-solving and helping people."
"I think I need more of an expressive outlet," I mused, flashing back to my love of $milestone."
"Well whatever you decide, I say do what makes you happy!"
"Thanks, Janice. That means a lot."
[[Head back to the office|back to office]]"It's simple. It won't happen overnight, but if I change my mindset and make improvements to my current lifestyle I could start looking up what my niche would be and start letting people know."
"That's so...random! But I like where you're going with it. It sounds like you know the first steps, too."
"I'm still playing around with the idea, definitely not committed yet."
"What's the biggest issue with your current gig?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest. I'm still figuring that out. Have I lost my touch for this career? Or is it just this location, this team..."
"...Or Natalie?" Janice eyed me knowingly. She sits on the other end of the hall, so is pretty familiar with Natalie's heel clicking by my desk multiple times a day.
I gave her a smile. We're at a local cafe with many employees within earshot. "In any case, I've been feeling the need to be more creative in my life."
"You know what, me too. But that's why I've been able to thrive here for so long. Even if what I do isn't the most expressive creating, I'm still problem-solving and helping people."
"I think I need more of an expressive outlet," I mused, flashing back to my love of $milestone."
"Well whatever you decide, I say do what makes you happy!"
"Thanks, Janice. That means a lot."
[[Head back to the office|back to office]]"It's simple. It won't happen overnight, but if I change my mindset and make improvements to my current lifestyle I could start going back into singing lessons and find venues to perform."
"That's so...random! But I like where you're going with it. It sounds like you know the first steps, too."
"I'm still playing around with the idea, definitely not committed yet."
"What's the biggest issue with your current gig?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest. I'm still figuring that out. Have I lost my touch for this career? Or is it just this location, this team..."
"...Or Natalie?" Janice eyed me knowingly. She sits on the other end of the hall, so is pretty familiar with Natalie's heel clicking by my desk multiple times a day.
I gave her a smile. We're at a local cafe with many employees within earshot. "In any case, I've been feeling the need to be more creative in my life."
"You know what, me too. But that's why I've been able to thrive here for so long. Even if what I do isn't the most expressive creating, I'm still problem-solving and helping people."
"I think I need more of an expressive outlet," I mused, flashing back to my love of $milestone."
"Well whatever you decide, I say do what makes you happy!"
"Thanks, Janice. That means a lot."
[[Head back to the office|back to office]]The presentation went well, and I'm glad Janice was able to chat with me. It feels great being able to talk to someone and say what I've been contemplating out loud, even if sounds a little out there.
I know it's only been a day, but I'm starting to get excited again about things to come. I just need to keep making this a priority.
[[Pack up and head home|home]]For the first time in a while, I have an inkling of a vision of the life I want for myself. It's amazing that I haven't thought of this before.
Maybe life is all about following what feels right.
So now what?
[[Next chapter: Discover]]To be continued...