Oreo Ultimate Dunk Experience

You awake in your room. A cool breeze is drifting through your window. It's a beautiful day. What's your name? [[Glen]] [[Glenn]] [[Leslie]] [[Steph]] [[Juan]] [[Marcus]] [[Stella]] [[Jane]] [[D'eonte]] [[Trish]] [[Brian Dunkleman]]

Glen, huh? Fine. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Glen") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Glenn is definitely the better way to spell it. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Glenn") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Salsa? That's unique. Oh, Leslie. That's ok too. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Leslie") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Cool, non-binary names rule. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Steph") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

I once had a cat named Juan. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Juan") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Yo! Marcus! You still owe me a replacement Brita filter bro. That’s cool, I’ll let it slide. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Marcus") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Not gonna go there. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Stella") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

This is great! Good name Jane! Good Jame! All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Jane") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Trish, Trish, Trish. I knew I’d find you here. Can’t resist a good Oreo®. (set: $name to "Trish") All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "Brian Dunkleman") (set: $aka1 to " ") (set: $aka2 to " ") [[Let's find out!->That is your dunk name]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

Waiting with bated breath... Your Dunk Name® Is: [[Master Chief]] [[Big Swizzle]] [[Essence]] [[Lady Right Hook]] [[Pastiche]] [[Double Stuf Oreo®, Jr.]] [[Aunt Kathy]] [[The Great Wall of China]] [[Mannheim Steamroller]] [[Big Tex AKA Lil Tex]] [[Yung Lettuce]] [[Grandma]] [[Mr. Oreo®]] [[Egg]]

I like your style, D'eonte! You seem like a real milk-glass-half-full kinda guy. All right, now what's your Dunk Name®? (set: $name to "D'eonte") [[Let's find out!]] [[But that's not my real name...]]

My good bud Master Chief dual wielding those cool guns like a champ! Shoot em up! (set: $aka1 to "AKA Master Chief") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

Whatever tips your top, I guess. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Big Swizzle") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

I can vibe with that. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Essence") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

That right there. That’s a Dunk Name®. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Lady Right Hook") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

Mad sexy bruh. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Pastiche") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

How on-brand of you. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Lady Right Hook") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

THE Aunt Kathy? (set: $aka1 to "AKA Aunt Kathy") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

Because you can dunk for miles. Word. (set: $aka1 to "AKA The Great Wall of China") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

OK bud, not gonna mess with you. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Mannheim Steamroller") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

God, I love nicknames. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Big Tex AKA Lil Tex") So you're $name $aka1? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

About to drop the hottest album of 2012! (set: $aka1 to "AKA Yung Lettuce") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

Love ya Gam-Gam! (set: $aka1 to "AKA Grandma") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND In accordance with Title 17 of the United States Code and International Copyright Standards 26th January, 2012 Re: Oreo® Cookie To the owner of undefined: This communication details a cease and desist notice by Nabisco. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney notify us of such representation. We are writing to notify you that your unlawful copying of our Brand Name: 'Oreo® Cookie' infringes upon our company's exclusive copyrights. Accordingly, you are hereby directed to CEASE AND DESIST ALL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. Nabisco is the owner of a copyright in various aspects of Oreo® Cookie. Under United States copyright law, our copyrights have been in effect since the date that Oreo® Cookie was created. All copyrightable aspects of Oreo® Cookie are copyrighted under United States copyright law. It has come to our attention that you have been copying Oreo® Cookie. We have copies of your unlawful copies to preserve as evidence. Your actions constitute copyright infringement in violation of United States's copyright laws. Under 17 U.S.C. 504###, the consequences of copyright infringement include statutory damages of up to $30,000 per work, and damages of up to $150,000 per work for willful infringement. If you continue to engage in copyright infringement after receiving this letter, your actions will be evidence of "willful infringement." Based upon the foregoing, we demand that you immediately (i) cease and desist your unlawful duplication of Oreo® Cookie and (ii) promptly communicate your assurance within ten (10) days that you will cease and desist from further infringement of Nabisco's copyrighted works. If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, we are entitled to use your failure to comply as evidence of "willful infringement" and seek monetary damages and equitable relief for your copyright infringement. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that we will contemplate pursuing all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and an order that you pay court costs and attorney's fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable. Before taking these steps, however, we wish to give you one opportunity to discontinue your illegal conduct by complying with this demand within ten (10) days. Accordingly, please sign and return the attached Agreement within ten (10) days to: MR. Oreo® COOKIE 125 NABISCO WAY DES MOINES, IOWA The foregoing is without waiver of any and all rights of this company, all of which are expressly reserved herein. If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact me directly. Sincerely, Nabisco ################# Attachment: ################# Copyright Infringement Settlement Agreement I, ___________________, agree to immediately cease and desist copying Oreo® Cookie in exchange for Nabisco releasing any and all claims against me for copyright infringement. In the event this agreement is breached by me, Nabisco will be entitled to costs and attorney's fees in any action brought to enforce this agreement and shall be free to pursue all rights that Nabisco had as of the date of this letter as if this letter had never been signed. Signed:________________________________ Dated:________________________________

You zagged on it with this one. (set: $aka1 to "AKA Egg") So you're $name $aka1? [[I think we need one more.]] [[Wait no, this is not my Dunk Name®->Let's find out!]]

Just kidding, your Dunk Name® is Brian Dunkleman. [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

All right, $name $aka1 $aka2, you just woke up. What the heck did you dream about? [[I was about to kiss my highschool sweetheart but my teeth kept falling out which kind of made it a better experience on the whole kiss front.]] [[Oh, I had a terrible nightmare! Someone kept trying to feed me Lorna Doones but thank gracious I woke up before they shoved them down my gullet!]] [[A giant ant was trying to melt me with an also giant magnifying glass.]] [[I was taking a bath but I was a baby and my Mama had left the bathroom so I decided I’d try to take a swig of bathwater and it did NOT go well.]] [[The same thing I dream about every night: Mainlining NOS with my good man Vincent Diesel! ]] [[I dreamt I was sleeping, nestled between two glorious and delicious chocolate cookies in anticipation of this Holy Day.]]

What are ya thinking here? [[Hot Sauce Bob]] [[One Piece of Lettuce]] [[Yurt Mcgroundling]] [[The Pie Chart]] [[Trout Whiteside]] [[Turkey Tetrazinni II]] [[Paintball Woman]] [[An Old Pair of Pants]] [[Definitely Not Spiderman But Very Close In Resemblance To Him Without Inciting Legal Action]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA Hot Sauce Bob") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA One Piece of Lettuce") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA Yurt McGroundling") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA The Pie Chart") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA Trout Whiteside") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA Turkey Tetrazinni II") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA Paintball Woman") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA An Old Pair of Pants") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

(set: $aka2 to "AKA Definitely Not Spiderman But Very Close In Resemblance To Him Without Inciting Legal Action") Sick, so you're $name $aka1 $aka2? [[Yep, this is my Dunk Name®.]]

Gummy! Are dreams really so important? (set: $dream to "teeth") [[Enough talk of dreams.->Uh, ok.]] [[Analyze my dream.]] [[Go back to sleep.]]

A truly horrifying vision. At least we're keeping it in the family. #nabiscobrands #tastycookies Are dreams really so important? (set: $dream to "lorna") [[Enough talk of dreams.->Uh, ok.]] [[Analyze my dream.]] [[Go back to sleep.]]

Coulda seen that one coming, you dumb baby. Are dreams really so important? (set: $dream to "bath") [[Enough talk of dreams.->Uh, ok.]] [[Analyze my dream.]] [[Go back to sleep.]]

Family is everything! Are dreams really so important? (set: $dream to "diesel") [[Enough talk of dreams.->Uh, ok.]] [[Analyze my dream.]] [[Go back to sleep.]]

The prophecy has come true. Are dreams really so important? (set: $dream to "cookies") [[Enough talk of dreams.->Uh, ok.]] [[Analyze my dream.]] [[Go back to sleep.]]

What a giant bummer! Are dreams really so important? (set: $dream to "ant") [[Enough talk of dreams.->Uh, ok.]] [[Analyze my dream.]] [[Go back to sleep.]]

(if: $dream is "cookies")[There is a story, passed down generation to generation... about one that will do the Perfect Dunk... no, it can't be.](if: $dream is "ant")[Eh that probably means nothing.] (if: $dream is "teeth")[Losing teeth in your mouth in your dreams usually indicates stress over money. If you don't have enough money, you may not be able to buy Oreo®s®.] (if: $dream is "bath")[You're thirsty-- but only milk can satiate your thirst.] (if: $dream is "lorna")[You clearly desire Oreo® cookies in the waking world. Your subconcious is trying to throw you off, but you know better.] (if: $dream is "diesel")[You good bro! You seem totally chill and cool.] [[Uh, ok.]]

Oh no! You overslept! You missed Dunk Day! [[Try again tomorrow. It's always Dunk Day somewhere.->But that's not my real name...]]

Ok, $name $aka1 $aka2, ready to get dunking? [[Yes!]]

Woah there! A master dunker knows his tools. Get you some Dunk Gear! [[Shock Absorbers]] [[Cool Socks]] [[Fingerless Grippers]] [[Extra Joints]] [[Fidget Spinner]] [[Calf Extenders]] [[Splash-Proof Eyewear]] [[Milk-Resistant Terrycloth Tee]]

No bumpy rides here! (set: $gear to "Shock Absorbers") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

If anyone takes off your shoes, they'll see how cool you are! (set: $gear to "Cool Socks") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Right! For gripping! (set: $gear to "Fingerless Grippers") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Such finesse, such control. (set: $gear to "Fingerless Grippers") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Dunks require the utomost focus. Can you teach me some sick tricks? I'm gonna call you Spin Lord from now on. Just kidding, you'll always be $name $aka1 $aka2 to me. (set: $gear to "Fidget Spinner") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Height really is everything. (set: $gear to "Calf Extenders") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Saftey first! (set: $gear to "Splash-Proof Eyewear") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Now that's a high-tech tee. (set: $gear to "Milk-Resistant Terrycloth Tee") All kitted out? [[Carpe Dunk'em!]]

Wait! Hygiene is everything! You gotta scrub the latent food particles off those pearly chompers to make a clean slate for that Chocolatey Delight! [[Brush teeth]]

Do it up right. [[Brush up]]

//Brush, brush// [[Brush down]]

Don't forget the backside of those molars! [[Brush those molars]]

Done brushing? [[I'm done brushing!]]

Okay, time to go downstairs! The Dunk is Nigh! [[Go downstairs]]

You take the steps one at a time like a sensible person. [[Enter the kitchen]]

Siiiick. [[Enter the kitchen]]

You approach the stairs. Do you take the 20 steps or do you do a Rude Slide down the bannister? [[Take the steps]] [[Rude Slide]]

You round the corner and walk into the kitchen. Gasp--there's a figure standing ominously inside. [[Who's this in here?]]

[[Angela Lansbury?]] [[A cute boy?]] [[Moby?]] [[Paul of Tarsus?]] [[Bart Simpson™?]] [[A life-size cardboard cutout of Condaleeza Rice?]] [[A bunch of cats stacked on top of each other?]] [[Me?]]

No, silly! It's your mommy! [[Mommy!]]

"Good morning! Have fun with have time with your God have taste get ready to taste all the sweet Oreo®s cause your Oreo® mommy says 'taste em!'" [[You got it, Mom!]] [[Aww, I love you, Mom!]] [[Mom, you got it AND I love you.]]

You give your sweet big mother a sweet big hug. "Okay my little pack of 100 calorie Oreo® Thin Crisps, it's time for me to go to work at the Oreo® Place. Happy Dunk Day!" [[Bye Mom!]]

No, silly! It's your mommy! [[Mommy!]]

Okay, now that the old bag is out of the way, it's time to get dunking. [[Heck yes! I'm ready to dunk!]]

WAIT!! You don't start the day with dessert! You need a healthy balanced breakfast first, consisting of vitamins, healthy fats, clean carbs, fiber, protein, and omega-3's. Not to mention some fruit or something too! [[I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. IT'S D-DAY.]]

Okay jeez, guy! It's okay, we're all friends here! Let's get to dunking then. [[Yes, I apologize for my outburst. It was rude and uncouth.]]

That's quite all right. Now, let's get ready to dunk. To begin the Sacred Dunking Ritual, you must make three (3) choices. Are you ready? [[I was ready the moment I opened this blasted game.]]

How meta! Okay, First Choice. Glasses are in the cabinet. Choose your preferred dunking vessel: [[Tempered Snifter]] [[Stalwart Decanter]] [[Brushed goblet]] [[Shot Glass]] [[Hollowed-out Coconut]] [[An upside-down bicycle helmet]] [[An above-ground pool]] [[Sticky soda can]] [[The urn your father's ashes used to be in]] [[Classic glass]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "Tempered Snifter") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "Stalwart Decanter") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "Brushed Goblet") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "Shot glass") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

Well somebody has a margaritaville state of mind. (set: $vessel to "Hollowed-out Coconut") [[Love ya James Buffman!]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "upside-down bicylce helmet") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "above-ground pool") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

That's a fine choice. (set: $vessel to "Sticky soda can) [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

I said USED to. They USED to be in there. So you could theoretically fill it with milk no problems. (set: $vessel to "urn your father's ashes used to be in") [[Yeah yeah I know! I dumped him out myself!->Love ya James Buffman!]]

You are a true dunk purist. This is the choice of the iconoclast. (set: $vessel to "Classic glass") [[I know.->Love ya James Buffman!]]

Okay, Second Choice. From the fridge, choose your preferred dunking milk: [[2% cow's milk]] [[Mother's milk]] [[Goat Milk]] [[Plant Milk]] [[Soy Milk]] [[Almond Milk]] [[Forehead Sweat]] [[Ranch]] [[Purified Water]] [[AC unit condensation]] [[Grapefruit juice]] [[Oreo® juice]] [[Pulp-free grapefruit juice]] [[Crude, job-creating oil]] [[Classic milk]]

Your Oreo® mom, Brenda, made THIS milk //just for you.// (set: $milk to "Mother's milk") [[Yum!]]

An alternative milk for an alternative, nonspecific, genderless entity! (set: $milk to "Goat Milk") [[Yum!]]

Plant milk! Brought to you by photosynthesis! (set: $milk to "Plant Milk") [[Yum!]]

Yo soy milk. (set: $milk to "Soy Milk") [[Yum!]]

Hope you're not allergic! (set: $milk to "Almond Milk") [[Yum!]]

Gross! (set: $milk to "Forehead Sweat") [[Yum!]]

Almost milk! (set: $milk to "Ranch") [[Yum!]]

Soggy! (set: $milk to "Purified Water") [[Yum!]]

Cool! (set: $milk to "AC unit condensation") [[Yum!]]

Are you sure? You //just// brushed your teeth. (set: $milk to "Grapefuit juice") [[Yum!]]

What an on-brand milk! (set: $milk to "Oreo® Juice") [[Yum!]]

Mother hates pulp. (set: $milk to "Pulp-free grapefruit juice") [[Yum!]]

That's a terrible milk! But I loooove trickle-down economics! (set: $milk to "Crude, job-creating oil") [[Yum!]]

You clearly know how to dunk a dang cookie. (set: $milk to "Classic milk") [[Yum!]]

2% milk, 98% hormones. (set: $milk to "2% cow's milk") [[Yum!]]

Time for the final choice. In the pantry, there's Oreo®s. Choose your preferred dunking brand of Oreo® Dunking Cookie: [[Double-Stuf Oreo®]] [[Football Oreo®]] [[Mini Oreo®]] [[Triple Double Oreo®]] [[Oreo® Thins]] [[Green Tea Oreo®]] [[Oreo® Heads or Tails]] [[Vanilla Oreo®]] [[Banana Split Creme Oreo®]] [[Sugar-free Oreo®]] [[Candy Corn Oreo®]] [[The American Creme Oreo®]] [[Cotton Candy Oreo®]] [[Swedish Fish Oreo®]] [[Dulce de Leche Oreo®]] [[Birthday Cake Oreo®]] [[Brownie Batter Oreo®]] [[Ice Cream Rainbow Shure, Bert! Oreo®]] [[Neopolitan Oreo®]] [[Limeade Oreo®]] [[Berry Burst Oreo®]] [[Watermelon Oreo®]] [[Pumpkin Spice Oreo®]] [[Red Velvet Oreo®]] [[Cinnamon Bun Oreo®]] [[Fruity Pebbles Oreo®]] [[Peeps® Oreo®]] [[Hydrox®]] [[Candy Cane Oreo®]] [[Orange Ice Cream Oreo®]] [[Root Beer Float Oreo®]] [[Back To School Oreo®]] [[NASCAR® Daytona Oreo®]] [[Caramel Apple Oreo®]] [[Cookie Dough Oreo®]] [[Cool Mint Oreo®]] [[Creamsicle Oreo®]] [[Fruit Punch Oreo®]] [[Gingerbread Oreo®]] [[Lemon Twist Oreo®]] [[Marshmallow Crispy Oreo®]] [[Peanut Butter Oreo®]] [[Classic Oreo®]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Double-Stuf Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Football Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Mini Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Triple Double Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Oreo® Thins") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Green Tea Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Oreo® Heads or Tails") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Vanilla Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Banana Split Creme Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Sugar-Free Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Candy Corn Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "The American Creme Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Cotton Candy Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Swedish Fish Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Ducle de Leche Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Birthday Cake Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Brownie Batter Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Ice Cream Rainbow Shure, Bert! Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Neopolitan Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Limeade Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Berry Burt Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Watermelon Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Pumpkin Spice Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Red Velvet Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Cinnamon Bun Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Fruity Pebbels Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Peeps® Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Why is this even in your pantry? You shouldn't have this. I'm on your side, but you'd better hope the Dunk Police don't find out about this... (set: $dream to "lorna") [[Let me pick something less dangerous.->Yum!]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Candy Cane Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Orange Ice Cream Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Root Beer Float Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Back To School Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "NASCAR® Daytona Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Caramel Apple Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Cookie Dough Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Cool Mint Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Creamsicle Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Fruit Punch Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Gingerbread Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Lemon Twist Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Marshallow Crispy Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Peanut Butter Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

Any Oreo® is a good Oreo®. (set: $cookie to "Classic Oreo®") [[Let's do this.]]

It Is Time. [[Yes.]]

You gently, yet firmly place the $vessel on the countertop... [[Yes...]]

You pour the $milk. It fills the $vessel nicely. //[[Yes.->pouring]]//

You grasp your $cookie. [[Yes!->grasp]]

You hold the $cookie high. [[Yes!!]]

You begin the $cookie's final descent. [[OH YES!!!]]

The $vessel, the $milk, $cookie – all about to combine for the most beaultiful and holy of moments on this most beautiful and holy of days. It feels so right. It has all been leading to this. You close your eyes in anticipation. The ecstasy overtakes you. [[OHHHHHHHHHOUGHHHFFFFFFF]]

[[GGUUUHHHHHH]]

(if: $dream is "cookies")[ [[BRRRING BRRRING! The phone's ringing!]] ] (if: $dream is "ant")[ [[BRRRING BRRRING! The phone's ringing!]] ] (if: $dream is "teeth")[ [[Suddenly, an awful realization dawns upon you. You have miscalulacted your approach vector. It's too late. The cookie collides with the vessel, and it shatters-- glass, milk, everywhere.]] ] (if: $dream is "bath")[ [[Suddenly, an awful realization dawns upon you. You have miscalulacted your approach vector. It's too late. The cookie collides with the vessel, and it shatters-- glass, milk, everywhere.]] ] (if: $dream is "lorna")[ [[Before the blessed cookie can make its sweet contact with the milk, a hand grabs your arm, stopping you mid-dunk.]] ] (if: $dream is "diesel")[ [[Before the blessed cookie can make its sweet contact with the milk, a hand grabs your arm, stopping you mid-dunk.]] ]

With a frustrated sigh, you answer the call. "Ricky? What do you want? I'm in the middle of a dunk!" Ricky's voice crackles back across the line: //"GOOD BUDDY, MY DANG VCR'S BROKE!! I WAS ABOUT TO PUT IN A TAPE OF TORONTO ALTERNATIVE ROCK DUO LEN, BEST KNOWN FOR THEIR 1999 HIT "STEAL MY SUNSHINE," BUT NOW I CAN'T BECAUSE THE DANG THING WON'T WORK! I'M JUST TRYING TO CELEBRATE DUNK DAY THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW! $name, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD WITH STUFF LIKE THIS, COME HELP A BROTHER OUT! I'M IN A REAL JAM HERE!// It sounds like Ricky is in a real jam here. You should probably go help him out. Besides, the music video for "Steal my Sunshine" is totally cool and good. [[Help Ricky out of his jam->Head to Ricky's]] [[I really should get back to this dunk...]]

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: There's ONLY one thing more important than dunking on Dunk Day. [[Friendship?]]

Yeah, I guess. [[Head to Ricky's]]

In a real big huff you set down the $cookie and hustle out of the kitchen. Friendship may be important, but the Dunk waits for no one. Heading out your front door, you try and remember how to get to Ricky's house. [[Use your head and neck to look up and down the street]] [[Do I really have to go to Ricky's house?]]

You turn your head to the right and look that way. Nope, nothing about that way seems right. [[Look the other way]]

Yes, we went over this. I don't really want to go to Ricky's either, but you've made a series of decisions that have led you here. It's too late to go back now, that's how these things work. [[Fine ok, I'll suspend disbelief->Use your head and neck to look up and down the street]]

You crane your neck to look the other way down the street. It hurts a little bit but it's not that bad. You see Ricky's house right where it always is, right next door to yours. [[Go up and knock on Ricky's door]]

You take approximately 35 steps on the sidewalk, making sure to move forward with each one, and you're at Ricky's front door. [[Knock on the door once]] [[Knock on the door twice]] [[Knock on the door to the beat of Len's 1999 hit "Steal my Sunshine"]]

You hit your knuckles on the door one time. It hurts a little bit but it's not too bad. [[Wait for a second]]

You hit your knuckles on the door two times. It hurts a little bit but it's not too bad. [[Wait for a second]]

//I - was - lying - on - the - grass - on - Sunday - morning - of - last - week// [[Wait for a second]]

After waiting for a moment, you hear a lot of banging and thudding around inside Ricky's house, and then the door swings open. "Ah my good buddy! $name $aka1 $aka2! So glad you're here! I know you paid attention in VCR class." [[Sure I did, Ricky]] [[You know I didn't retain a thing Mrs. Carrioli told me]]

"All right! Knew I could count on you! Come on in, the VCR's this way." [[Go inside]]

"Well, I was never one for the theory anyway. Come on inside, the VCR's this way." [[Go inside]]

You step inside Ricky's house. It seems like a normal house. Ricky calls you into the living room. "VCR's in here!" (set: $button to "Dull") [[Go into the living room]] [[Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]]

You enter Ricky’s living room. He’s got a big ol TV and all the latest CDs and a Sony Playstation 2. It’s pretty fricking sweet and also chill. Above the TV is a big trippy wall tapestry with a dragon or something on it. Is that cool? [[It’s pretty cool.]] [[It’s bad to my eyes.]]

While Ricky is waiting in the other room, you look around the foyer. What grabs your interest? [[The lamp]] [[The complete collection of Undercover Boys books]] [[The screwdriver]] [[Go into the living room]]

Ricky has a really cool western-themed lamp in the foyer. It throws some light into the room. Instead of a shade, there’s a cowboy hat. It’s very fun and flirty and western. [[Put the cowboy hat on your head]] [[I don’t want to piss off my good buddy Ricky...]]

You could tell from his T-shirt that Ricky must be a huge //Undercover Boys// fan. [[Open the original 1927 copy of The Toad's Treasure, the beloved boys' first adventure]] [[Actually, this is supremely boring. I hate books and reading]]

Sitting next to the lamp and the books is a sensible phillips-head screwdriver. [[This seems like it might solve a particular problem perhaps.]] [[Nah no way is a screwdriver will be what I need.]]

You crack open the ancient cover of //The Toad's Treasure// and a huge cloud of old brown dust goes everywhere. "What are you doing in there?" Calls Ricky from the other room. [["Nothing!"]]

Oh ok. [[Go back to the foyer->Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]]

Ricky seems like he's getting mad sus. Better pick up the pace. You look at the old ancient dusty book with your eyes and realize something you didn’t see before: One of those cool secret hollowed-out book compartments. What are those called? [[You mean a Book Hole?]] [[I don’t want to piss off my good buddy Ricky...]]

You pop the cowboy hat off the lamp and are temporarily blinded by the naked bulb. You place the hat on your head. It’s very cute! [[Me me I’m a cute cow boy!]]

Yeah, probably a good idea to leave Ricky’s stuff alone and go help him with the VCR. You don’t want to waste too much time anyway. There’s a dunk you need to be getting back too. [[Go into the living room]]

I’d trust you with a few hundred wild steers on the range. It gets cold. It gets lonely. Seeing you in this hat... makes me think you have what it takes. [[Go into the living room]] [[My soul yearns for the wide-open plains. I think I’ll drop all of this nonsense and go west and try and make a living as a modern cowboy. It’ll be hard at first, but maybe over time I’ll find what I’m really looking for.]]

This is unorthodox, but who am I to deny the heart’s true desire? Go west, $name! Go west, $name $aka1 $aka2! You beautiful animal. The amber fields call your name and you only must answer! [[Get the heck out there]]

All thoughts of Ricky and Oreo® and Oreo® products and dunking them in milk immediately dump right out your brain. Your only desire is to explore the western half of the continent upon which you are on. You pull out your phone and look up ticket prices. Go? [[Go]]

A few hours later, you get off the train. You’re West. It’s open, and kind of dusty, and a little hotter than you were expecting. You plonk your bags down on the dusty ground. [[I'm gonna make a new life for myself]]

After some paperwork, you get married to a beautiful western woman named Margot Jane. She has a ponytail. She’s a master cow rancher type, and she teaches you all about herds and fields and how to ride a horse really good and cool. You name your horse Sun Stallion. After a few blissful weeks riding around the plains you decide you need a homestead, so the two of you build one on the frontier. The view is incredible. You have Margot Jane give you a tramp stamp that reads “Margot Jane.” [[Have babies with Margot Jane]]

You and Margot Jane have three beautiful children. Their names are Scudd, Trimpo, and Funny Sally. Margot Jane is a talented and caring mother, and the two of you love your children very much. You didn’t think you could love Margot Jane any more than you already did, but seeing her raise the kids makes you realize how three-dimensional she truly is. The two of you spend the next few decades growing old together and your love only continues to bloom. [[If only my mommy could meet her grandchildren.]]

Oh dang! That’s right! You have a Mommy! She’s gonna miss you!! [[I need to get back to my mommy! I need to finish the dunk! How did I get so sidetracked??]]

It’s way too late to go back now. It’s been years... if only you had a time machine, you could go back and make it right by your Mommy and right by Dunk Day. [[I do have a time machine]]

Oh! That’s really convenient. Let’s go! [[I’m coming mommy!!]]

You kiss your three sweet children, Scudd, Trimpo, and Funny Sally on their beautiful little foreheads in birth order. They look exactly like their mother. You turn to Margot Jane. Before you can say anything, she gives you a big ol kiss right on the cheek and says, “I know you’ll come back for me.” You love that woman. [[Get into the time machine and make things right]]

You hop into the Time Machine and a lot of scary and weird noises happen. You place your hand on the glass porthole and Margot Jane blows you a kiss. Then she blinks out of existence and you find yourself in Ricky’s foyer once more. [[Get out of the time machine->Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]]

Yeah totally, Book Hole. Anyway in this Book Hole is a gold play button, the kind that looks like it came from a VCR. [[Pick up the play button]] [[Ignore this very obvious development]]

You penetrate the Book Hole with your fingers, grasp the gleaming, shiny plastic play button, and put it in your pocket. It’ll probably come in handy. (set: $button to "Gold") [[Go into the living room]]

Yeah, that’s probably not gonna come in handy later. [[Snoop elsewhere->Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]]

Good thinking. You pocket the screwdriver. [[Go back into the foyer->Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]]

Oh ok cool. You're probably right, a screwdriver wouldn't fix a VCR. [[Go back into the foyer->Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]]

Heck yeah it is. Glad we agree. “So here’s the problem,” says Ricky, pointing to the VCR in his media cabinet. “Every time I put in the Len video, I can’t seem to make it go! I already rewound it like six times, but it’s just all goofed!” Ricky seems like he’s at the end of his rope. You don’t like seeing your blood brother Ricky in such a fouled up mood. You lean in close to check out the VCR situation. It seems like a totally normal VCR. [[Press “Power”]] [[Press “Eject”]] [[Press “Play”]]

Yikes, it is pretty tasteless. Glad we agree. “So here’s the problem,” says Ricky, pointing to the VCR in his media cabinet. “Every time I put in the Len video, I can’t seem to make it go! I already rewound it like six times, but it’s just all goofed!” Ricky seems like he’s at the end of his rope. You don’t like seeing your blood brother Ricky in such a fouled up mood. You lean in close to check out the VCR situation. It seems like a totally normal VCR. Thinking back to your days in Mrs. Carrioli’s VCR class... what did she always say about making tapes go? If only you had listened when she was talking and not been drawing pictures of your original character KRIM the CONQUEROR!! [[Press “Power”]] [[Press “Eject”]] [[Press “Play”]]

She was always going on and on about the power button, right? You press the power button. The VCR turns on. “I tried that,” says Ricky. “Still won’t go.” [[Press “Eject”]] [[Press “Play”]]

You massage your temples... Mrs. Carrioli... she always said you would amount to nothing if you didn’t remember to ... eject! You press the eject button. The VCR makes that classic whirring and clicking that VCRs do, and it spits out one of those tapes that you love. On the side of the tape in Ricky Scrawl it reads: //Len - Steal my Sunshine - 1999// “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken that tape out and put it back in,” says Ricky. “Nothing doing.” [[Press “Play”]] [[Press “Power”]]

Ugh... Mrs. Carrioli... not your favorite teacher, but she was right about one major thing. You can’t play a video without pressing play! You go to press the play button. Your finger thuds against the front of the VCR, but nothing happens. The tape doesn’t start playing. “See, that’s the problem I keep having,” says Ricky. “I go to press play and nothing happens!” [[What is going on here?]]

You inspect the front of the VCR. Everything looks right. You try and press the play button again. Your finger bumps up against the front panel and again nothing happens. Wait! When you use your eyes to look, you realize something! There’s no play button! [[“Ricky! Where’s the play button??”]]

Ricky blinks a bunch of times really fast, realizing the button’s not there. “Woah, my special golden play button is missing!!” He exclaims. “It’s just not there at all!” You stand up and dust off your hands. [[“We gotta find this play button. It’s the only way to make the tape play.”]]

Ricky nods his head in agreement. “I agree. I think the play button will make this tape play. Only problem is, if it’s not there, I have no idea where on this green good earth it could be.” (if: $button is "Gold")[Hold up just a scrim-diddly moment. Didn’t you see a golden play button earlier? Didn’t you pick it up and put it into your shorts pocket? [[I did do that!!]] ] (if: $button is "Dull")[Looks like we have to track down Ricky’s button. To be honest, I’m getting really sick of Ricky. [[Maybe it's in the foyer?->Snoop around while Ricky isn't looking]] ]

You pull the golden play button out of your pocket. Ricky lights up. “Hey, where’d you find that??” He asks. But there is no time. You jam the play button back into the empty play button-shaped space on the VCR. [[Punch that sucker]]

You hit the play button with your thumb. The VCR whirrs and clicks and the TV comes to life. Ricky is hollering but you don’t really hear him. The music video for Len’s 1999 hit “Steal my Sunshine” blares onto the TV. [[Watch it! Hopefully there's no copyright issues that break the fiction of this whole thing!]]

Ricky rewinds the tape to watch it again. You say goodbye and run as fast as you can back to your house, throw open your door, and bolt into the kitchen -- Your mommy is waiting for you. [[Run to Mommy]]

//What to heck?// you wonder to yourself, //I thought I left that upstairs! What an inoppurtune time for this to occur!// Totally distracted from the task at hand, you fish around in the back pocket of your shorts for your blaring phone. Glancing at the screen, you see it's your friend Ricky calling you. [[Answer it]]

[[Oh blarp!]]

Before you can finish speaking, another officer standing by the pantry calls out. “We’ve got something here, Captain.” Your heart sinks into your Oreo®-less stomach. Could it be? Do you think they found the contraband? The officers start reading you your rights. Quick, we’ve got to act fast! [[Explain calmly and firmly to the officer that the Hydrox® cookies were bought for you as a joke. You’ve never even had one!]] [[Deny, deny, deny.]] [[Tell them of your Mother’s high position of power in the Oreo® Place]] [[RUN]]

Your brain goes a mile a minute but nothing comes out! You’re not saying anything! You’re no good at this! We need to go NOW. [[RUN]]

“No, those bad cookies are not mine. How did they get in there?!” you say. But to no avail. The Dunk Police don’t play, homie. “Save it for the Judge,” the Captain snaps back at you. I think you know what we need to do. [[RUN]]

You explain that your mommy works in the Oreo® Place in close proximity with the local law enforcement. You even point to the wall where many photographs of your lovely mommy and her fellow Oreo® Cookie friends joined in embrace. These men don’t seem to know your mommy. [[RUN]]

Let’s go friend!! Get those legs a-pumping! You dash for the door, slipping through the arms of the first officer in your path. The police shout, “We’ve got a runner!” and you hear the electronic buzz of their batons turning on simultaneously. Faster my guy! [[RUN FASTER]]

You blaze through the back door out in the open world, but those darn Dunk Police are swarming the perimeter! There’s an officer to your left, but he seems older and a little out of shape. To your right you spot your neighbor’s backyard, but there’s a tall fence blocking the way. Which way do you go? [[Old man Cop! I can juke him!]] [[Fence scaling is my favorite sport. Let’s get our jump on!]]

You try and run past the old man. He seems frightened that you’re heading towards him. His baton is out, but it isn’t turned on. You juke left. He stops short. You juke right, and he takes the bait! You've totally broken his ankles. You make it past the officer in question. You push forward, through the side gate, out in the driveway, down the street. But what’s this? Your legs – they begin to buckle! You fall to the ground! Your muscles! They’ve seized up! You should’ve ate that healthy balanced breakfast $name! Oh no! [[Blizz! Why was I so hasty to get my dunk on? I should’ve ate that healthy balanced breakfast consisting of vitamins and fruit and all that good stuff for my body!->Aw Billy CRUDup! Why didn’t I nourish my meat with that tasty good and healthy treat?!]]

The way to freedom becomes clear! Run toward that fence! Check your spacing! Bend those knees! JUMP THAT FENCE! [[Jump that fence]]

You make the most glorious leap of your life! And you come up short. Like WAY short. Shucks! Your jumping muscles are all gooped up because you didn’t have that delicious and healthy breakfast before your Oreo® Dunk Time! Bad choice friend! [[Aw Billy CRUDup! Why didn’t I nourish my meat with that tasty good and healthy treat?!]]

The officers surround you. Your muscles ache. Your tum is empty. They cuff you up good. “Son and/or daughter, you are in a lot of trouble.” That’s the last thing you hear before they take you away. [[COMPLY]]

You were arrested for possession of an illegal substance. More specifically, Hydrox® brand cookies. It’s been a long road since then. You’ve just awoken in your cell, which has been your home for the last two months. The trial date is set. Do you want me to catch you up? [[Let me know all the terrible details]] [[Forget this noise, let me plead my case]]

Things have been weird. I know you didn’t put those Hydrox® cookies there, but they were in your pantry and you were the only one home. Sometimes that’s the way the cookie crumbles. After the arrest, they plopped you in their vehicle which seemed to be some type of interdimensional spacecraft and it took you to the Oreo® Place. They locked you up in a cell (not this one) and let you have your phone call. For some reason, you decided to call the front office of the NBA Basketball team the New Orleans Pelicans. It didn’t help at all. You made a friend in the holding cell. Jeremy. He was tall and thin and he looked out for you those first few nights. After your pretrial, they moved you to general population. There you did not find such kindness. It only took a couple weeks to gain respect. Working in the library helped and you never charged the fellow inmates for overdue books. You’ve been doing ok since then. Your mommy hasn’t contacted you. You don’t know why. Try not to think of it too much. In the meantime, you’ve been studying the various aspects of cookie law, preparing your case, and getting real buff. You’ve never skipped breakfast since the arrest. [[At least I am buff->Forget this noise, let me plead my case]]

The trial starts tomorrow. What do you want to do to prepare tonight? [[Brush up on cookie law]] [[Think about Mommy]] [[Eat breakfast]]

Crack open that book and read until you fall asleep. [[Read until my eyes stop working->Now, let me rest up.]]

You think about the time Mommy gave you a big bright pink pen and you drew her a picture of your old house. [[I am sad. Stop thinking about Mommy and go to sleep.->Now, let me rest up.]]

Never to late or too early to get in a good and healthy breakfast. [[Now, let me rest up.]]

“It’s time,” the guard says, waking you up from your slumber. He guides you out of your cell and into the courtroom before the judge. You’ve chosen to represent yourself, so you stand alone, in front of the judge, awaiting his big brown gavel to go. The bailiff is standing at attention as well. She is very cute. [[Be patient.->Plead your case]] [[Flirt with the Bailiff.]]

You wait to catch the Bailiff’s eyes. When the moment comes, you gladly toss a wink out at her. She seems to enjoy your advances. She imagines you as the wild child the court has made you out to be and is scared by that a little bit. But then she notices how striking your eyes are for the first time. She stares off into the distance. BANG BANG BANG goes the gavel. The judge asks you to sit and the trial commences. [[Begin with your opening statement.->Plead your case]] [[I like the bailiff.]]

Yeah me too. She’s pretty cute. Do you ever feel lonely? Or like, long for more human connection? Something real, man? Do you ever wish you could maybe come through the computer screen and really be with people? Feel their warmth? A soft touch on the shoulder? Anything like that? [[Yes]] [[No]] [[Reach through the computer screen and let the narrator feel your warmth]]

Thanks for understanding. Life is weird. [[Yup]] [[Maybe you should get a cat or something.]]

Oh, ok then. [[Plead your case]]

Hey, thank you. Truly. [[You’re welcome. Let’s win this case now!->Plead your case]]

Ok then, shall we win this case now? [[Win this case!->Plead your case]]

Nah, I’m allergic. It’s cool though. I have a fish. Let’s win this case now! [[Let’s Win This Case!->Plead your case]]

You sit patiently and listen to the prosecution’s opening statement. They’ve painted a picture of a delinquent who has a mischievous streak. A real troublemaker. The jury looks at you and an overwhelming majority of them have scowls on their faces. But now it is your turn. The judge asks for the defense’s opening statement. You begin. “Birth. Life. Love. Death. Cookies. Are they not all simply a reflection of the current state of what it means to be a human? No matter what color you are, what race, what gender, what food group – you all are born. Whether by the womb of a woman or the seed of a fruit tree, we all live. And so is it the same with our delicious lovely treats. Whether cake or pie. Pudding or gelatinous sugary goods. Chocolate or vanilla. And so it is with our cookies. Italian wedding or Greek wedding. Chocolate chip or shortbread. Oreo® or Hydrox®.” The entire courtroom gasps at the assertion. The judge’s gavel bangs loudly. “Order in my courtroom! Order!!” The room calms down. [[Continue your opening statement.]]

You continue: “While all men are created equal, all cookies are not. That is clear. You will never hear me argue from a scientific standpoint that Hydrox® are objectively better than Oreo® cookies. Yet still, do we not all possess free will?” The jury nods in approval. Your sound reasoning is winning them over. How do you conclude? [[Appeal to the jury.]] [[Break out The Choice Metaphor.]]

You stare deeply into the very souls of each member of the Jury. [[Close the Deal->Take your seat]]

You take one single deep breath. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. If we do not have choice, do we even exist?” The courtroom is stunned. [[Take your seat]]

As you take your sit in the chair, you notice sitting in the back row of the courtroom, on your side, the entire 2018 New Orleans Pelicans roster, including the coaching staff. You catch the eye of power forward, 6’11, 253 pound superstar Anthony Davis. He shoots you a wink. [[Wink back]] [[Definitely wink back->Wink back]]

You reciprocate the gesture. I guess that phone call paid off! [[I knew it would]]

You sure did. OK. You have two options. You could listen intently to the prosecution’s case, take notes, form your counter arguments, cross examine witnesses and generally do a good job at being a self appointed lawyer. OR, you sit back and look really cool while you tune out and think about the radical guitar solo in Stairway To Heaven. [[Do good]] [[Silently rock out->Do good]]

Before you make up your mind, something happens. [[What happens???]]

I was about to tell you friend!! You hear a coach’s whistle blow and just like that the entire New Orleans Pelicans roster starts running plays. They jump over the benches, pass basketballs to one another, and take shots into the various trashcans in the courtroom. They simultaneously start chanting “We’re gonna make the playoffs! We’re gonna make the playoffs!” They practice their handles and start working on their jumpshots! It’s amazing how well coordinated this team is! Wow! [[Oh man! They’re really gonna make the playoffs this year!]]

In the midst of the chaos, you hear a voice in your ear say, “Here, put this jersey on.” [[Put the jersey on.]]

You put on the Jersey. It has a crisp number seven on it, the retired number of Pete Maravich. It feels right. You imagine yourself playing basketball. But then you hear the voice again. “Grab a ball and take some shots, I’ll guard you.” Anthony Davis hands you a basketball. You take some shots. He guards you. [[Take some more shots]]

Before you can line up another shot, the judge bangs his mega super gavel. It’s so loud the entire team stops running drills. “Get these Pelicans out of my courtroom! Despite their clear superior basketball skills and almost certain 2018-19 season deep playoffs run they NEED TO GO.” Bailiffs swarm the courtroom and start leading all the players out. Including YOU. [[Leave the courtroom with the team]]

You line up with your team, The New Orleans Pelicans. You are led out of the courtroom. You board the Team Bus one by one. As you get on the bus, the head bailiff calls out “Have a great season, boys.” The bus leaves the courthouse. It gets on the highway. It is silent. Four Time NBA All Star Anthony Davis stands up and shouts, “We got’em!!!” and the entire bus erupts in cheers and a spontaneous chant of “OR-E-O. OR-E-O” fills the air. The bus driver flips a switch and says “We’re going back to Earth, folks!” and you snap into an inter dimensional slipspace warp. [[Wait huh??]]

Didn’t I mention?! Those were the bad Dunk Police in the parallel dimension! The entire Oreo® Place over there is one big City State Bad Thing! But it’s cool! We’re back in the Good Dimension! [[Yay Hard Sci-Fi!]]

The bus pulls up to your house. Anthony Davis turns to you. “Well, looks like this is your stop, $name. It’s been a real pleasure. Your mom was right about you.” You’re shocked! [[Mommy!!]]

“You know my sweet Mommy?!” you ask. “Of course, she showed me the true secret to dunking grace and perfection. Your mom is a legend.” At that moment, the front door of your correct dimension house creaks open and your mother is standing there, holding three objects. [[Run to Mommy]]

You embrace. “I thought you’d want to finish dunking day RIGHT.” She hands you a classic glass, filled with classic milk, and gives you a classic Oreo®. [[Do it right.]]

Let's dunk this good tasty cookie right, my friend. [[Dunk it right]]

A powerful voice says directly into your ear, "Stop! Dunk Police!" "Is your name $name $aka1 $aka2?" [[I’ve been known to go by one or two of those, yes.]] [[Not my name, no sir!->I’ve been known to go by one or two of those, yes.]]

You better clean that up man! [[Clean it up]] [[Panic]]

You grab an old Ducktails T-shirt and wipe up the milk you so carelessly wasted. While you are cleaning you overhear the radio that has been playing in the other room. It is tuned to The Oreo® News Network. There’s breaking news! [[Listen up]] [[Change the station]]

You jump out of your skin and clutch your face (Home Alone style) and begin to sweat profusely. You start hyperventilating. Your vision blurs. What is happening! Everything is about to go black when you notice the radio that has been playing in the other room. It is tuned to the Oreo® News Network. There is breaking news! [[Listen up]] [[Change the station]]

You tune the dial to your favorite 90s alternative rock ‘n roll radio station, but blast! The sick tunes have been put on hold because of the breaking news! [[Pay attention to the breaking news of the day]]

“This is a special bulletin! The Mayor of the Oreo® Place has officially instituted a state of emergency. The milk drought has been raised to threat level three – No More Milk At All. It hasn’t Milk Rained in almost eleven months. Reserves have been depleted. There is no milk to be had. Shipments have been put on hold.” Your throat starts to feel dry. Wait. [[Run to the fridge]]

It couldn’t be. That milk you just spilled all over the ground with your terrible mistake was the last good batch of milk in your entire house. All other milks are VERY expired. This. Is. A. Terrible. Development. [[My precious Oreo® continues to be undunked! What do I do!]]

I don’t know! That’s for you to figure out! This is your call, $name! [[Use expired milk]] [[Dig for milk]] [[Call Mommy]]

You grab the least expired of the milks in your fridge. You open the bottle and immediately the smell wafts up to your nostrils, causing you to double over in disgust. The bad milk spills. It is a mess and one you can not solve. Only one person you know can. [[Call Mommy]]

You grab the nearest shovel and run to the backyard to start digging as quickly as you can. Dirt piles up around you as you sink deeper into the earth’s crust. But alas, there is no milk to be found. You did find a cool Civil War era bullet though! [[Call Mommy]]

You dial up Mommy’s work telephone number which you know by heart. No one answers. You call again. This time her secretary, Greg, picks up. “Your mother is extremely busy right now and cannot come to the phone, $name. I am sorry.” You feel concerned and stressed and you don’t know what to do because it is Dunk Day and you have no Dunking Milk®. This is a travesty. [[This is a travesty]]

You have no choice but to go to The Oreo® Place and visit your Mommy at work. [[Suit up and go to the Mom Work Zone!]]

It’s been quite some time since you visited the Oreo® Place. You barely remember the exact coordinates to get there. You hop in the Oreo® Transport Portal and power it up. Let’s head to that good magic Oreo® Dimension in the sky! [[Zoom zoom zoom!!]]

The trip was chill. You pop out of slipspace near the welcome center and turn your Oreo® Transport Portal into car mode. You notice sad children begging for milk on the street corners. Everything is hot and dry. There are Cookie people and Creme people gathering outside the City Hall as you pass by it. They are protesting. Everyone is on edge and tensions are rising. [[Feel sorry]] [[Keep driving]]

You use your emotional abilities and empathy that you’ve been practicing. [[Keep driving while feeling sorry->Keep driving]]

You come upon Mommy’s place of business. You’ve never quite known what she does here. [[A true mystery…]]

When you enter the building, the receptionist gives you trouble. He says you aren’t allowed in. After much arguing, a Creme person walks up and flashes their badge. “This one is with me, Pat,” he says and he kindly leads you to the elevator. [[Say thanks]]

You say “Thanks.” “Of course. I could tell you were here to see your Mommy. We don’t see that many humans in these parts. My name is Felipe. I am your mother’s assistant in the lab. Come with me.” [[Go with him]]

Felipe begins to fill you in on the controversy surrounding the drought. Apparently, a rival cookie nation has been sabotaging the climate here in the Oreo® Place for some time. There are a few clear suspects, but no one knows for sure who it is. Your Mommy and Felipe are working with a team of the best scientists (Cookie person and Creme person alike) to finish a machine that will reverse the negative effects on the atmosphere. Not only is it urgent because all the reserves of milk have been used up, but also tensions between the Cookie People and the Creme People are being strained. They both are beginning to blame the other for the current situation. It’s a lot of finger pointing and there already has been some looting. It’s bad. [[Ask Felipe about Creme people]] [[Ask Felipe about Cookie people]] [[Ask Felipe how he met your Mommy]] [[Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

“The Creme people were pretty lost until they emigrated to the Oreo® Place in 1912. Back then, the Oreo® place just had the Cookie people. But due to our original home running out of resources, we searched and searched until we found our new home. It took some time to become acclimated and accepted, but eventually we became one big happy family. These days though, the differences between us have caused some fighting between the Creme and the Cookie folk. It’s easy to point the finger at someone who is different than you. And the Cookie people were here first.” [[Ask about the whole eating the creme thing]] [[Ask Felipe about Cookie people]] [[Ask Felipe how he met your Mommy]] [[Stop talking about stuff and go into the lab->Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

“The Cookie people founded this place many moons ago. They are the original Oreo® cookie. They lived off the land, and parts of themselves. The milk rained down and everything was good. It still rained when the Creme people came here, but due to recent developments, some extremist Cookie people have begun to blame us for the drought.” [[What recent developments?]] [[Ask Felipe about Creme people]] [[Stop talking about stuff and go into the lab->Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

“Your Mom?” Felipe blushes. “She was my professor at UOC. When I graduated she asked me to come here to the lab and work under her. You know, I’ve heard a lot about you $name.” [[Feel weird for a minute because Felipe might be your new dad]] [[Ask Felipe about Creme people]] [[Ask Felipe about Cookie people]] [[Stop talking about stuff and go into the lab->Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

You enter the lab and finally you see your sweet Mommy! She is working intently but stops immediately once she realizes you are there. “My child!” [[Give Mom a hug]]

Felipe laughs. “Ha! The Creme that is in your cookies at home is a part of our outer layer as a people. It’s one of our main exports, clearly. Don’t worry though, it doesn’t hurt us one bit. We’re happy to share it.” [[Ask Felipe about Cookie people]] [[Ask Felipe how he met your Mommy]] [[Stop talking about stuff and go into the lab->Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

Felipe looks down and sighs. “Some Creme people were convicted of the murder of a top Cookie person in the government. Personally I think it was a frame job. But even if it isn’t, a few extremists don’t represent the whole group of us.” [[Ask Felipe about Creme people]] [[Ask Felipe how he met your Mommy]] [[Stop talking about stuff and go into the lab->Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

Let’s feel weird together for a minute. [[Ask Felipe about Creme people]] [[Ask Felipe about Cookie people]] [[Stop talking about stuff and go into the lab->Don’t talk and go into the lab]]

You and Mommy show familial affection toward one another before she explains the predicament the Oreo® Place is in. You feel silly bringing up your little milk drought problem now. But Mommy insists. “Why are you here my child?” [[I am a selfish child who ran out of milk and I want some now please]] [[Lie and say that you just missed your mama]]

“You are not selfish, dear. We all need Milk.” She pats you on the head. [[Feel better and ask how you can help Mommy]]

“That’s sweet, dear.” She pats you on the head. [[Feel guilt and ask how you can help Mommy->Feel better and ask how you can help Mommy]]

Your Mom has been working on a device that will stimulate the atmosphere in the Oreo® Place and build Milk Clouds in the Milk Sky so that it will rain down the joyous liquid upon all the different types of people. But they’ve hit a snag. [[What is the snag!?]]

The one snag is that they are missing a crucial element to activate the Milk Sky Machine. [[Ask what the missing element is]]

“What we are missing is a $gear” You brain begins to explode as the serendipitous nature of the universe hits you smack in your Oreo®-less stomach. [[Pull out your gear from this morning!]]

The entire lab erupts in joy and astonishment. You have clearly saved the day. You Mom is proud. Dad would’ve been proud. Felipe, your almost new dad is also proud. [[Hand off the gear to the team of scientists]]

The Scientists take the $gear and affix it to the Milk Sky Machine’s anterior hub. They power it on. “Come run to the roof with us, $name!” [[Run with Mommy and Felipe to the roof]]

On the roof, it is still dry. The air begins to rush and the wind picks up. The sky darkens. You hear shock and laughter from the people on the street below. It is the calm before the storm, that time when all seems at peace and a person’s heart is full and content. You stare at the clouds forming above you. A single drop of Milk Rain hits your forehead. [[Cry from happiness]]

You boohoo so hard for your mommy and the Cookie people and the Creme people and your potential new dad Mr. Felipe and the delicious rain milk pouring down on the parched ground of the Oreo® Place. Last of all you boohoo for yourself. Who knew, waking up today, you would end up here. Helping save a magical world you heretofore never quite appreciated as much as you now do. [[Stand Proud]]

“$name! I think we should head back home now. What do you think?” [[Yes Mommy]]

Before you leave, you thank Felipe. He is pensive and pats you on the head. You instead opt for a hug. “Time to go.” [[Go back home with Mom]]

You arrive home with your Mom, in the kitchen where it all started. You look at each other one more time and start to laugh. She extends her arms out to you. [[Extend your arms out to Mommy->Run to Mommy]]

Before you dunk, there is a knock on the door. Mommy smiles. She has something up her sleeve. [[Who is at this front door of my house?!]]

Immediately, someone walks into the kitchen. "Your mom thought you could use a little help on such an important dunk." [[Who said that?]]

You realize who said that. It's 6'11, 253 pound, 4 time NBA All Star, 2012 First Round Draft pick, New Orleans Pelicans Starting Power Forward/Center, and MASTER DUNKER ANTHONY MARSHON DAVIS, JR. [[Fear the Brow™]] [[Raise the Brow™]]

"That's my trademarked saying $name! Way to play to the audience." [[Initiate the Dunk]]

"That is one of my two trademarked sayings! I like this one best. It is appropriate for the dunk that is about to take place as well!" [[Initiate the Dunk]]

"Go ahead. I'll join you on the way down." The sun shines brightly through the kitchen window. The blue backsplash seems apropo to the occasion. The milk glimmers in the sunlight. [[Raise that Good Cookie High]]

You raise the cookie high out of frame and take one last breath. You think about your Mommy. You think about the $gear. You think about your dream. You think about 4 time NBA All Star and self-professed Donkey Kong Expert Anthony Davis. [[Dunk This Oreo®.]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

Hey there! Welcome to the Oreo Ultimate Dunk Experience™! Throughout your adventure you'll be given prompts and responses. Choose the course of action that best suits your mood, fancy, or general vibe! Things may get weird but it all depends on YOU and the power of CHOICE. Get that Oreo® into that great milk! Are you ready?? [[I'm ready!->But that's not my real name...]] (link: '(If ur a CD and wanna see the work page click here!)')[(open-url: 'https://www.jaketannery.com/oreo-1')]