Restart Story

A little while ago I attempted to strip all the color out of my hair and put a new color on. This was complicated and it mostly worked out, but as a result my hair is a delicate, delicate entity now, and I actually have to think about it and how to take care of it.\n\nNormally my solution is to cut it all off, but I am trying to be patient instead and fix it.\n\n[[I will now use every product in my shower caddy on various parts of my head, face, and body!|I feel better now]]
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I used to have a hard time leaving the house without taking a shower first. One time in college I had a yeast infection that was incredibly painful (my first, I didn't know what it was, it went on for several days before I figured out what was going on and what to do and by then I was near tears just existing) and I still wouldn't go down the street to the drugstore without taking a shower, and my roommate, fed up, went and got it for me in her pajamas and brought it back while I was still shampooing my hair.\n\nIf I think about it for more than a minute, I have no idea why anyone who loves me feels that way.\n\nAnyway, this morning I went out for breakfast and didn't even brush my teeth first, just put on some...I would list it out but really just Bostonian Winter Layers, the nondescript padding we pile onto ourselves and then strip off again, over and over each day, depending on the climate of the interior or exterior we find ourselves in. Clothes.\n\nThere's a line between "so depressed I don't bathe enough" and "so anxious I bathe too much" and I'm never quite sure whether where I am on the line is a good place or a sign that something is wrong.\n\n[[I should take a shower at some point before going to this party because I'm not clean enough as-is.|Bathe]]\n[[Nah, I can get away with just putting on some deodorant and perfume.|I feel better now]]
It turns out after about 2 hours of making a game, my anxiety subsides enough to actually make a decision. P-progress?\n\nAt least I can't use, "I don't know whether I'm clean or well-dressed enough to leave the house," as an excuse in six hours when I inevitably start arguing that I really, genuinely cannot leave the house to go to this party tonight.
I have to go to a party tonight.\n\nI don't *have* to go. I could stay home, I could drink tequila and watch The Vampire Diaries and push my feet under my spouse's thigh while he taps contentedly on his tablet next to me on the couch and snow drifts by outside.\n\nBut.\n\n[[I recognize that the version of myself that I wish existed would want to go and so I am going regardless of whatever I actually feel.|Whatever shall I wear?]]
Is it weird to have me talk directly to you? Do you want me to use second-person present?\n\n"You have to go to a party tonight. You don't know what to wear."\n\nUgh. Anyway.\n\n[[Let's go down the rabbit hole of my thought process re: cleanliness for a moment.|I am spending too long debating whether to take a shower and this situation is ridiculous]]
12:29pm is obviously the wrong time to begin this. Why did I decide to do this? Why did I think I'd have the energy to even start, let alone complete, a month of games?\n\nThat's right. I'm going to make a month of games. I would say "attempt to make", I would encourage another person to say that, to build room for abandonment of the project, to walk away and forgive oneself.\n\nInstead I'm telling you that I'm going to make a game for you every day in December, and at the end I'll go back and chain them all together so you can play the month straight through in one go.\n\n(I am going to make it through this year if it kills me, and sometimes the only way I can do that is to promise myself the eventual killing, because when I think about it being inevitable it is such a relief and I get just enough energy back to keep going)\n\n[[My entire life is encased in the framework of my present self loathing the choices of my past self, which means the timer has started on me hating this game.|I am always optimistic about the future but never the present]]
I went to the Gap Factory Outlet last night and managed to find two skirts and a pair of jeans that all fit me. I will definitely make a game so you understand what that means (it means life was almost impossibly good last night).\n\nToday I'm wearing one of the skirts, and it's been so long since I wore a skirt that was close to my body, didn't have an elastic waistband, and yet was still comfortable, it has been weirding me out a little bit.\n\n[[I should stick with this outfit. New skirt!|I feel better now]]\n[[I should wear the new jeans around the house to make sure they're comfortable and then wear them to the party.|I feel better now]]\n[[I should back up and figure out if I need to shower first.|Do I need to take a shower? It's winter, that seems unfair]]\n
December 1, 2012
I/you woke up and threw on some clothes and left the house to go eat breakfast in a restaurant.\n\n(We spent $40 including tip, we spend too much on food, we have very little money in our savings account and we think about it every day--)\n\nI AM SORRY YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME TALKING AT YOU TODAY, I AM LOSING MY MIND AND ME FRETTING ABOUT THE I/YOU SITUATION IS MAKING IT HARDER TO WRITE THIS GAME NOBODY ASKED FOR.\n\nIt's not even a game yet it's just a hypercard stack without any choices.\n\n[[Where was I, I was talking about cleanliness, right.|Do I need to take a shower? It's winter, that seems unfair]]\n[[Oh, whatever, everyone cares more about clothes than showers.|Omg Clothes]]
Courtney Stanton