The salesman heard you... "I am so happy to hear that! Did you know that, with inflation, thatin twenty years the average hotel stay will cost you one-thousand dollars? Doesn't that sound like a lot for a hotel, when for only thirty thousand dollars you can lock in a week at one of our beautiful condominiums for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?" You think about it, and decide it isn't for you.\n\n[[THIS ISN'T FOR ME]]\n[[YOU KNOW IT ISN'T FOR YOU, BUT YOU ARE INTERESTED SO WHY STOP HIM?]]
You open the door. You don't really look as you walk through it. <mark>You fall about five stories to the cold, hard ground. You may not be dead, yet; but no one is coming to help you, as you continue to bleed out. Your lower limbs are broken. With your arms, you clutch the scarce patches of grass, as you try to pull yourself away from this place. Eventually, your nails dig deep into the dirt, getting you nowhere.You lie here for hours before losing conciousness, before YOU FINALLY DIE.</mark>
Really, it isn't freedom with just one choice... Still, alll you can do is go back and [[USE THE RED DOOR]]\n
Don't be gross... but, you already were... I had higher expectations for you. You brush your teeth with a strangers toothbrush. Yay, you! You don't know what's been done with that, sicko...\n\n[[SAY TED BUNDY THREE TIMES IN THE MIRROR]]\n\n[[FINISHING BRUSHING AND PUT THE TOOTH BRUSH BACK]]
The stairs creek as you move up them. You slip a little on the dust that cakes the floor, nearly losing your footing. Why did you pick stairs after such a long night?\n\n[[I'M NOT THAT BRIGHT]]\n\n[[CAN I NOT ANSWER THAT AND STAY FASHIONABLE]]
You are wandering down an old street, still a little out of it from a long night out. You stop by a large, old house. You push through some rusting metal gates. You stand in a creepy garden, leading to a seemingly abandoned house. What do you do now?\n\nApproach the front [[DOOR]].\n\n[[DO NOTHING]], I'm too tired.\n\n<audio autoplay>\n\n <source src="introsong.mp3" type="audio/mpeg">\n Your browser does not support the audio tag.\n</audio>\n
Sure. I wouldn't want to answer that either. You continue up the stairs. Once ascended, in a very innovative design choice, the game allows you to go either left or right.\n\nGO LEFT TO THE [[BATHROOM]]\n\n[[GO RIGHT TO THE BEDROOM]]\n\n\n\n\n
The officer screams, "Hands on your fuckin' head!" You put your hands on your head. The officer screams, "stop resisting!" You keep your hands on your head. The officer screams, "Don't run!" You still haven't moved. He shoots you. YOU DIED. \n\nTWO ITEMS ARE TRANSFERRED TO THE OFFICER TO YOU\n\nENDING INVENTORY:\n\nAN UNREGISTERED FIREARM\n\nTWO UNITS OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE\n\n\n\n\n\n
Congratulations! You found the Belefonte. You can now search the sea for beauty. YOU WIN THE GAME.
You drop, from the cieling, into the lobby. The fact that this game offers no other option suggest that you should probably\n \n[[USE THE RED DOOR]]
The salesman continues... "What we want to do is create great memories for you and your family. Can you really put a price on family memories?"\n\n[[NO]]\n[[I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PRESSURED]]
The officer compliments your weapon, and then calmy asks you to lower it. You pull out your wallet and present the papers that you always carry. Now affirmed, the officer asks, "May I assist you, citizen?" You inform him that you are looking for the Belefonte. He drives you to "her". You WIN THE GAME.
You creep around the room looking for weed, cause anyone watching this kinda shit MUST be using. You don't find any, but under the bed, you find a trap door. \n\n[[GO THROUGH THE TRAP DOOR]]\n\n[[LISTEN TO SOMETHING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR]]\n\n
Ted Bundy appears. His figure, in the mirror is standing behind you, but his eyes stare at you in a reflection. You feel his breath on your neck. Being a sociopath that is fascinated by serial killers, you know that you are not his type.\n\n[[TURN AROUND AND FACE HIM]]\n\n[[RUN]]\n\n[[SCREAM]]\n
The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. You hang your head a little lower, having finally admitted to what your mother often said about you. You continue up the stairs. Once ascended, in a very innovative design choice, the game allows you to go either left or right.\n\n\nGO LEFT TO THE [[BATHROOM]]\n\n[[GO RIGHT TO THE BEDROOM]]
You open the door. You are now in a kitchen. Wait! You know this kitchen! You used to work here! The owner is a metaphorical "slave-driver". Out of all of the doors, you picked this one. You are back at your old job.\n\n[[WASH THE DAMN DISHES]]\n\n[[FORGET THIS, I QUIT]]
YES!!! You have to do it. Just pick a door, man!\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE FIRST DOOR]]\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE THIRD DOOR]]
The salesman continues... "You really can't, can you? Nothing is more important than family. I've got the paperwork right here. All you have to do is sign."\n\n[[SIGN THE DAMN PAPER, THOUGH YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO...]]\n\n[[THIS ISN'T FOR ME!]]
Nobody loves you. This will never get better. You die inside, but you still continue to breathe. Will this never stop? It never does. You lament, as you mentally torture yourself. By the time, you try to leave, you realize you cannot. You stare at your legs, now apparitions of the support that they once were. Are you dead? You can't leave this room! You try, but you just can't! YOU AREN'T DEAD, BUT YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE. Thanks for playing!\n\n\n
Wow! The gear fit perfectly! What are the odds?! The door to the lift opens. You get in and the lift begins to descend. It takes about a little while for the lift to stop. When it does, ou emerge in a large basement cooridor. This looks like a shortcut! There are blue brick walls around you. There are three doors to pick from. This reminds of an 8-bit video game, but instead of green pipes, there are green doors. The nostalgia nearly kills you, but don't worry- you aren't dead yet...\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE FIRST DOOR]]\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE SECOND DOOR]]\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE THIRD DOOR]]\n\n[[START CROCHETING SOMETHING FOR YOUR NEPHEW]]
<mark>The transparent figure of an older man appears. He is wearing a red cap and a speedo. He says, "I want you all to get Hennessy's best gear onto the Belefonte in thirty minutes." Who is this man? What's happening. The man continues, "The cost guard will be here in 45 minutes." You don't have many options...</mark>\n\n[[TAKE ALL OF HENNESSY'S BEST GEAR AND LEAVE THE HOUSE]]\n\n[[LET'S SHOW THEM THE REAL THING THIS TIME]]
With the GEAR in hand you go back to the lobby. You notice something you didn't see before. It is a small elevator lift. Next to it is a set of GEARS, but one is missing! Should you [[INSERT THE GEAR]]?
He killed you with his eyes... they were darling. Still, they belong to the man that killed you. You're alright with it, although YOU ARE DEAD.
One Big Hell House
He continues... "Of course you can. I've already done everything neccessary. We even had a unit that someone stopped paying on! I can get you that unit for half the price, so there is no reason not to jump on this rare opportunity! There are two kinds of people that wouldn't take this offer- People that can't afford it and people too stupid to know a good deal..." He presents you with papers, and then hands you a pen.\n\n[[SIGN THE DAMN PAPER, THOUGH YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO...]]\n\n[[THIS ISN'T FOR ME!]]
"Well, I don't want you to feel that way. I'm sorry if I came off that way. I really do want is best for you and your family. Though, I understand feeling pressured. This is a big decision. Here, for only three thousand, we can start you with a sampler pack. It saves you the maintainence fees that come with deeded property, but you still get the amazing amenities that we offer at our resort. Think about that. One thousand a week for three years at this beautiful resort." He sets down some papers.\n\n[[SIGN THE DAMN PAPER, THOUGH YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO...]]\n\n[[THIS ISN'T FOR ME!]]
Your scream quickly turns to a gurgle, as Ted's ghost guts you from the outside-in. YOU ARE DEAD, and Ted Bundy is better than you.
You have entered a very quiet room. You see a bunch of artwork hanging on the walls. There is a small statue of a woman holding a bowl on her shoulder in the middle of the room. In the bowl you see something flickering.\n\n[[JUMP]] to grab the item.
You enter through the front door. The door creaks as is it opens. It is very dark inside. You can't see a thing. You should probably use one of your items here...\n\n[[USE LIGHTER]]\n\n[[USE FISHING POLE]]\n\n[[USE CARDBOARD BOX A]]\n\n
Dear "May I Speak With Your Manager" Woman,\n\nThere are many things more difficult than raising a child. Have you ever seen Survivor? Of course you have! You have all the time in the world, yet you claim you have none. Botox doesn't cover up bitch, and bitch isn't a prescription for Botox- so, STOP acting like it is. I've met disgraced, abused children with more candor than your priveledged, unnaturally skinny, white as ghost ass.\n\nSincerely,\n\nTHIS GUY\n\nP.S. Hillary Clinton is a reptile.\n\nYOU WROTE A FINE LETTER. YOU WIN THE GAME, JUST BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU.
A terrible smell overcomes you. You see it. It is the most disgusting thing that you have seen. It's just sitting there. It's floating, like a ghost- but it is brown... and in a toilet.\n\n[[BRUSH YOUR TEETH]]\n\n[[INVESTIGATE THE PHANTOM SIGNAL]]\n\n
Yeah... That did nothing... I'm not sure what you expected. Maybe try the obvious choice here?\n\n[[USE LIGHTER]]
Nothing happened. Go back downstairs?\n\n[[YES, LET'S DO THAT]]\n\n[[NAH. I'M GONNA WAIT THIS OUT]]
You walk into the bedroom. Jerry Springer is playing on the T.V. \n\n"Yeah, I had sex for cheeseburger!"\n\nAnother girl yells, "I had sex for a hamburger!"\n\nThe host asks, "Why didn't you hold out for the cheese."\n\nA crowd claps and you lose a bit of faith in humanity. It's a damn good thing we don't have a meter for that.\n\n[[BECAUSE I'M AWESOME. I JUST KNOW SHIT.]]\n\n[[I WISH I HADN'T SEEN THIS. IT HURTS INSIDE.]]\n\n\n\n
A police car sits in front of the house. They question you about Hennessy's best stuff. You say, "I Fuckin' stole it." \n\n[[PULL A GUN ON THE COP]]\n\n[[GO TO THE BELEFONTE]]\n
You zone out washing the dishes. You remember better times. You remember how simple it used to be. You cry a bit. You are at work. This all seems like a bad dream. You grab a knife and cut your wrists out of frustration. YOU ARE DEAD.
You died. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. You DID defecate yourself, and at one point tried to drink your own urine for sustinence. You used a KNIFE to turn your pants into shorts. Ultimately, you still couldn't survive. It really is as simple as that. <mark>Why would you wait around in an abandoned house? It's abandoned, friend! It isn't like anyone was going to go looking for your sorry ass. Yeah... you guessed it, YOU ARE DEAD.</mark>
The salesman responds... "Yes, I understand that. Vacation ownership isn't for everone." The salesman wears an expression like he looks down upon you. Who the hell does he think he is? With no other option you say:\n\n[[I COULD STAY AT A PLACE LIKE THIS!]]\n[[THIS ISN'T FOR ME!]]
You enter a room with a podium in the middle. Some guy is talking about "vacation opportunities". You may be in a timeshare presentation. Would you like to leave now?\n<mark>\n[[YES]]\n\n[[NO, I AM INTERESTED IN SAVING MONEY ON FUTURE VACATIONS]]\n</mark>
Wow! You just bought a timeshare. You may be better off dead. Those contracts are iron-clad. I hope, for your sake, that your circumstances never change. They won't show pity. These *&#*(s are vultures! Either way, you bought what they were selling, so you made it out of this nightmare. You don't remember how, but you awake in your bed with a contract beside you, reminding you of your terrible negotiation skills. You sigh, but at least you are still alive. Thanks for playing!\n\n<audio autoplay>\n\n <source src="endsong.mp3" type="audio/mpeg">\n Your browser does not support the audio tag.\n</audio>
Ted chases you into the hallway. He presses you all the way to the back. There are no other options. You can't get to any other door...\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE THIRD DOOR]]!\n\n
A SIGN READS YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE MORE TO THE RIGHT.\n\n[[GO MORE TO THE RIGHT?]]
You moved the box next to the statue and climbed to the top. It took a few tries. You grabbed the shimmering object. It is a GEAR. What the hell are you supposed to do with this? You decide to go back through the door you came. You go [[BACK WITH THE GEAR]].
A SIGN READS YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE MORE TO THE LEFT.\n\n[[GO MORE TO THE LEFT?]]
<mark>No one seemed to notice. You walk out the back door. You've gained some sobriety, so you finally do the smart thing and just leave this place. Thanks for playing! YOU KINDA WIN!</mark>
Seriously? A fishing pole? Reevaluate your choices in life. How did you think a fishing pole would help in this situation? I suppose you could use it to [[POKE AROUND IN THE DARK TO FEEL FOR STUFF]].
You cut yourself lengthwise! Congrats! You discovered a certain way to kill yourself, in turn, YOU DIED.
CHOOSE YOUR RACE:\n\n[[WHITE]]\n\n[[BLACK]]
You used the toothbush. It made you feel sick just thinking about its many possible uses. You throw up on your self and wander upstairs, you push hard to move on. Eventually, YOU DIE. YOU SUCK at simple choices- agian, YOU DIED.
You just kick back against a water fountain that probably hasn't seen water in decades. A green moss surrounds the fountain. You sit on it anyways. You get your pants dirty. You don't care- it's not like you were going to do anything today anyways. The End. Fun game, huh? Maybe you should be a bit more adventurous... Would you like to try opening the [[DOOR]] instead?
Nothing happened. Go back downstairs?\n\n[[YES, LET'S DO THAT]]\n\n[[NAH. I'M GONNA WAIT THIS OUT]]
You jumped. A zombie came from a backroom. If only your viewing angle hadn't been blocked, you could have seen that back room. You cower in fear. Fortunately, some guy named Chris burst through the door and fired three shots from a pistol. One hit the zombie in the head. Chris stays just long enough to save you and introduce himself, before quickly exiting the room. Now, you are here alone. You notice a box that you could probably move towards the statue.\n\n[[MOVE THE BOX]]?
You pull out your needles and start crocheting. This was a bad time. A walking mushroom sneaks up on you. You were so consumed by your hobby that you didn't even see it! You are, however, very dead now. Seriously? A mushroom? Well, thanks for playing- even I don't understand this one.\n\n<audio autoplay>\n\n <source src="goodstuffhappened.mp3" type="audio/mpeg">\n Your browser does not support the audio tag.\n</audio>
Yeah... Such depravity... Such disregard for human decency. But it is good television!\n\nGo back downstairs and [[USE THE RED DOOR]]?\n\nWrite a hate speech about [[MIDDLE-AGED WHITE WOMEN]]
Life isn't really like in the movies. You pull a gun, and get shot in the heart. Way to go "hero". YOU ARE DEAD.
Heath Goetsch
You are back in the hallway. Well, door two was obviously a bad choice. We have all heard timeshare horror stories. It couldn't get much worse, now. Which door will you go through?\n\n[[DO I REALLY HAVE TO]]\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE FIRST DOOR]]\n\n[[GO THROUGH THE THIRD DOOR]]
Your lighter has provided just enough ambient luminance to view a set of candles in the middle of the room. You light the candles. Through the flickering light, you see some stairs going up, and a red door to your right. The lighting in here is very coordinated!\n\n[[USE THE RED DOOR]]\n\n[[GO UP THE STAIRS]]
You sit in the corner. Your pants are a little wet. You aren't sure how to feel about this. It's all too much...\n\n[[CRY IN THE CORNER]]\n\n[[TAKE AN ITEM TO YOUR WRIST]]
Snake, is that you? Do you remember Shadow Moses? There's enough dirt in your file, from your days as an agent, to keep you in the stockade until you're a very old man. Wait... what is this game? How about we stop sitting in a small box in front of an abandoned house? You decide to ditch the box.\n\n[[USE LIGHTER]]\n\n[[USE FISHING POLE]]
"Okay, okay!" says the salesman. His tone is condescending. You don't care. You go to leave and some girl gives you $100 dollars. She thanks you for your time. It feels like you've been there for hours, but you needed the money. She shows you to the door. You are back in front of the house and have a hundred dollars. You leave the whole thing behind you. Forget this house, you think, as you head to the casino. Best of luck to you! Thanks for playing!