owen and steel's fun fishing adventure

you are suddenly overcome by an unavoidable urge to push owen off the boat anyway.\n\npush him off...push him off...\n\nyou feel like somebody is calling you from on high. your animalistic desire no longer controllable, you give owen the biggest push of your life, sending him flying into the deep, cold water.\n\nnow for yourself...now for yourself...\n\nthe strange, muffled voice you hear isn't going away. before you unquestioningly follow owen into the gunge dungeon, you glance back at the shoreline. roy jenkins is there, holding a megaphone.\n\n"not again, roy!" you shout.\n\n"dwat. oh well, thewe's always next time," he says, and skateboards away.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 8/10 forced smile points\n• a craving for skateboard lessons\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

it's every man for himself. you dutifully toss owen overboard and paddle away. unfortunately you only get a few feet before you and the good ship alliance succumb to the depths below, although you are later fished out by alan beith.\n\n"are you alright?" he asks.\n\n"no," you reply, "put me back."\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 7/10 forced smile points\n• a fish in your (probably stripy) underpants\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

incensed by owen's callous treatment of your deeply swag sweater (putting aside the fact that the slang term 'swag' does not exist in your vocabulary, or indeed anybody's vocabulary, this being the mid-1980s and the general public being far more likely to spout the word 'gnarly' at a worrisome rate), you push him off the boat.\n\ni mean, come on, he was right there! you can't judge a man for jumping at an opportunity.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 2/10 forced smile points\n• an urge to restock your wardrobe with more stripy shirts\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

you do not exactly appreciate david owen's lack of willingness to share, worm-related or otherwise. you push him off the boat.\n\nguess you could say he's...sleeping with the fishes.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 1/10 forced smile points\n• increased appreciation for dad jokes\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

you carefully remove your sdp-liberal alliance jumper to reveal the spectacularly ugly/endearing/ugdearing striped-shirt-with-white-collar get-up within. owen looks up curiously, perhaps wondering why you're performing an impromptu strip routine for him. his answer comes soon afterwards as you begin throttling him with the jumper, then push him off the boat for good measure.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 4/10 forced smile points\n• +10 garroting skill\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

you cannot stand owen's sassy mouth any longer and pencil roll right into his manly jawbone, thus pushing him off the boat.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 3/10 forced smile points\n• your dignity\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

"YARGH," you yargh, and start to hit owen over the head with your fishing pole, then your bait, and finally your moist, clammy little hands.\n\n"david, what are you doing?" he says, unimpressed.\n\n"wounding you!" you cry. they don't call you david 'the yellow dart' steel for nothing!\n\nyou push him off the boat, where he bobs along in a nonchalant manner, shrugging to the heavens.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 6/10 forced smile points\n• confirmation for smash\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

you push owen off the boat. then you push yourself off the boat. you are so embarrassed by this turn of events that you decide to live out the rest of your days as a mermaid.\n\nwait - you mean a merman. merman! yes, that's what you meant.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 5/10 forced smile points\n• talking crab companion\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

your name is david steel, leader of the liberal party, and you are currently on a fishing trip. you are not sure you know how to fish. you are not entirely sure how you got here. you are not entirely sure you want to be here. however, one thing is for sure...\n\nyou are not in this boat alone.\n\n"david," your co-captain drawls, "hand me that bait, would you?"\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE]]

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

you simply cannot resist any longer and uppercut owen into the air. he lands with an almighty splash and sinks like a stone. (much like his political career, ho ho!)\n\nthe waiting journalists are all actually rather relieved.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 9/10 forced smile points\n• 10/10 kung fu moves\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

owen and steel's fun fishing adventure

you make your way back to the shore. the assembled press drones are camped out by the water's edge, waiting for your return. with any luck, the story of your fun fishing adventure ought to be on page 12 of tomorrow's papers!\n\ndavid owen yawns.\n\n"god, i'm never doing that again," he says, "although i suppose it was somewhat...amusing."\n\nhe smiles at you like a shark sizing up its prey.\n\nyou look back at owen. then you look back at the lake.\n\nthis is your last chance.\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 10]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 10]]

"david, for god's sake, help!" you scream, throwing water back into the lake by the bucketload.\n\nowen doesn't seem fazed by the imminent drownathon.\n\n"what do you say?"\n\nyou blink aggressively.\n\n"w...what?" you stammer, "i don't understand..."\n\n"you'd better apologise for the way you spoke to me earlier," he replies.\n\n"i will do no such thing!"\n\n"alright, then," he says, and goes back to reading the paper.\n\nthe boat is sinking fast and your leg is getting chilly. leg so cold. cold, cold leg. leg so cold it could freeze an egg.\n\n"fine!" you say, finally, "i'm sorry. sorry, david. i went too far. we need to work together, after all, so that we can defeat the conservatives."\n\n"and more importantly the labour party."\n\n"and more importantly the labour party," you sigh, "now can you please do something about the prospect of our looming deaths?"\n\nowen reaches inside his bag and produces an sdp-liberal manifesto. it is a large, unwieldy item that nobody would ever want to actually read, and plugs the hole in the boat quite snugly.\n\n"there," he smirks, "now nothing can possibly go wrong."\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 9]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 9]]

you've barely set off on your fun fishing adventure and already cannot stand to be anywhere near david owen for more than one second longer. you push him off the boat.\n\n...well, that was fast.\n\n<center>you gained:\n\n• 0/10 forced smile points\n• a taste for murder\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>

the alliance, of course, was formed when your two parties found it convenient to work together to smite the forces of thatcherism from this land forever. it...didn't quite work out like that, but at least you're not in as bad a state as the labour party!\n\ndavid owen, however, installed as the social democratic party's new leader only recently after you worked together to utterly annihilate roy jenkins, has proved to be somewhat more difficult than you'd hoped for. (not to mention the fact he keeps mentioning off-handedly how attractive the iron lady herself is. he does it every day. it's like a regular thing.)\n\n"watch me catch this carp," he chuckles, thrusting his mighty rod into the inviting stream.\n\nyou watch. you do wish he'd watch you catch a carp sometime. or a salmon. or any other sort of fish. fish fingers, maybe.\n\n"oh, missed it," you pout. pouting suits you, as you have the soft round features of a baby, apart from your nose, which could put someone's eye out.\n\n"this is why i don't need distractions," owen grumbles, and slumps back into the main berth of your mighty ship.\n\nhe's letting more water in.\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 4]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 4]]

you squint into the sky. it's a disappointingly overcast day, with a hint of bright yellow sunlight poking hopefully out from behind a great grey cloud.\n\nthe year is 1984. frankie says relax. miners are going to war across the country. but you...\n\nyou are here...\n\n...to fish.\n\n"watch out," owen snaps, tuggling on his pole - his fishing pole, that is, "you'll crash us into that tree at this rate."\n\nyou mumble something and turn the rickety old boat in the other direction. you bob merrily across the lake: a shallow, mustardy splodge on the map, much like your electoral prospects.\n\n"this is nice," you sigh, "it's not often we're allowed a few moments of peace -"\n\nowen balances precariously on the tip of the rotting raft, letting gross goowater splash your sdp-liberal alliance knitwear.\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 3]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 3]]

you huff huffily and deal with your butthurtitude. the boat spins languidly in circles. as crickets chirp from the shoreline, you watch as owen frustratedly angles and reangles his line. he is obviously very dedicated to yanking a helpless animal out of the water and beating it to death with his shoe.\n\njust then, you feel something nearly wrench your fishing pole from your grasp. you almost fall over but cling on, straining against the pressure. the lake pulses and ripples beneath your hardy vessel.\n\n"david!" you shout, "i've got something! i think - i think it's a big one!"\n\n"oh, really?" owen says, cocking an eyebrow, "move over."\n\n"ahh!" you cry, pulling with all your might, but, much like liberal party conference-goers, the aquatic arsehole just doesn't seem to want to co-operate with you. owen sidles over casually, putting his arms around your increasingly wet jumper and grasping your quivering pole.\n\n"pull," he demands.\n\n"d-david!" you pant, "i can't hold on much longer!"\n\n"once more," he says, breath at your ear, "slowly, now..."\n\ndo you stop this nonsense before it turns into an xxx-rated yaoi manga?\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 6]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 6]]

as owen smooths back his hair and spears another worm on the end of his fish hook, you wonder whatever made you think you could form a workable alliance with this man. certainly not a fully-merged party, at any rate. no - you'll just have to deal with standing next to chiselface mchairgel for the next few years and learn to love it.\n\nperhaps you could. perhaps, in time, you could learn to love his little 'eccentricities'...\n\nthen owen unzips his jacket. you gasp.\n\n"david," you cry, "you're...you're not wearing the jumper you promised!"\n\nhe stares.\n\n"what."\n\n"we, well, er, we," you stumble, picking helplessly at your drippy knitwear, "we promised we'd wear the same jumper today. the alliance jumper. we'd match and it'd look good for the cameras. we've done it before, remember? it went down a storm, i know it did -"\n\n"david," owen sighs, "nobody can see us out here on the lake. for all they know, under my coat i'm wearing exactly the same thing as you. after all, it's only natural to wear what's most comfortable when you're out on the water for hours, right?"\n\n"erm, right."\n\n"you see? that wasn't so hard, was it?"\n\nyou grasp your pole fiercely with both hands and throb with rage. should you ignore this grave offence against jumpers and continue being 'edgy but civil' (to quote yourself), or, to take a somewhat different approach, fucking end the fucker?\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 5]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 5]]

"david!" you state, with as much authority as you can muster, "i think i ought to let you know. i've had enough."\n\n"of what? fishing?"\n\n"no, not of fishing. who could ever have enough of fishing? i mean - of you, david, and your constant, needling, need to be obstinate and -"\n\nyou're really on a roll now, putting your foot down quite spectacularly. sadly you also do this in a literal sense and now there's a big hole in the bottom of the boat.\n\ndavid languidly glances at the hole, plugged by your leg but still letting water glug merrily into your craft.\n\n"the boat's sinking," he says.\n\n"this is what i'm talking about, always changing the subject to benefit yourself - wait..."\n\nhe's right, for once. you're sinking faster than the liberal party's hopes of going back to their constituencies and preparing for government.\n\nact fast, or face a watery grave alongside david owen.\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 8]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 8]]

you resist the urge to scream 'NO HOMO' and let owen help you reel the fish in. sure enough, with one last heave (election slogan '74! not that you like to talk about that...) the tim'rous beastie comes hurtling out of the algae, splattering you both with foam and fish bits. it lands in the boat, where owen duly whacks it with his shoe.\n\n"we did it!" you cheer, "this is the best result the liberals have ever had!"\n\n"oh?" owen says, "i must have misheard you, david. you mean that i did it, of course."\n\n"no, no, i'm fairly sure i said the word 'we' and you might possibly need to get your hearing checked, david!"\n\n"not at all. if it wasn't for me helping you, you'd have let dinner get away."\n\nhe shrugs and puts the fish in a marks and spencer's carrier bag.\n\n"although if you're going to be like that about it, i'll let you share the credit for publicity purposes."\n\nyou are going to spear him through with your pole if he keeps talking like that, and not in a nice way.\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 7]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 7]]

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"one moment, david," you say, fumbling with a jar of dried worms.\n\ndavid owen puts down his soggy newspaper and and slinks into view, which is to say a few inches across the fishing boat.\n\n"i'm sure you want this to be a rewarding experience as much as i," he says, "don't you, david?"\n\n"well, i hope i can catch something large enough to eat -"\n\n"no, no, david," he smirks, "electorally speaking."\n\nhe takes all your bait.\n\n▶ [[PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT|PUSH HIM OFF THE BOAT 2]]\n▶ [[CONTINUE|CONTINUE 2]]

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after posing for pictures, you and owen stomp off in your wellyboots to return your well-used rods. the sun is just coming out, and you sigh as you bid farewell to the disgustingly dangerous/dangerously disgusting lake.\n\nowen trudges forward, arranging his forelock.\n\n"well, let's get going," he says, "and maybe we can discuss your little merger idea on the way."\n\n"really?" you gasp, astonished that owen would even consider such an option.\n\n"no."\n\nbut it's a start. david owen is beginning to acknowledge you. and all you had to do was not push him off the boat all afternoon. you'll win him round one day!\n\nor die trying.\n\n<center>THE END\n\nyou gained:\n\n• 10/10 forced smile points\n• a sense of existential dread\n\n[[REPLAY?|Start]]</center>