Bzzzz. Bzzz. BZZZ.
You feel your phone vibrating somewhere underneath the mass of blankets and comforter.
You groggily turn to glance at the clock.
11:00 AM.
Shit. You missed your 9:00 AM class and the majority of your 10:30 AM. You can already feel your heart starting to pick up speed as you think about having to explain to your Psych professor why you were late for what feels like the billionth time.
Part of you is freaking out because you really need to get a good grade in your Psych 270 class. Part of you just want to turn off your phone and take a personal day.
"I deserve it," you say to yourself. But you know you won't be able to stop thinking about your grades if you don't go.
[[Go to class]]
[[Stay in bed]]
You rush into your Psych class with less than 45 minutes left. Your friend James is at his usual second row spot looking at his phone with a frustrated look on his face. You see an open spot on the end of the third row of the lecture hall and take a seat.
Your heart is beating so fast and the room won't stay straight in your vision.
You reach for your notebook in your backpack to try to jot down the last part of the lecture. You start to write but your hand is sweaty and you can barely see the slides.
You decide to just sit and listen. It's better than nothing. At least you are present.
James looks up from his phone and sees that you made it to class. He shakes his head and snaps his gaze back to the professor's presentation. You would definitely be getting a lecture from him later.
You try to focus on keeping calm until your professor reads the last slide and everyone starts packing up.
You are the first to leave the lecture hall, but [[James is right behind you]].
You wake up to a harsh light and a loud slam.
It's your roommate James. He is standing above your bed, clearly mad.
You pull the covers over your face and turn away from him. You don't have the energy to deal with his lecture right now.
"Kendall. What are you doing?" James says.
You mumble underneath the covers. "I needed a personal day."
"Did our mother's ever have personal days when they were raising us?" James spits back, "Lazy piece of shit. I am sick of this moping around; laying in bed all day. You need to get your act together."
You feel your blood begin to boil. If only he knew about how hollow and empty your insides felt. Or how your throat clogs up whenever you try to eat. He doesn't know anything about how you are realling feeling, but it's not like you are telling him.
[[Flick him off]]
[[Tell him you're sorry]]
[[Tell him the truth]]
"Kendall. Kendall!" James calls out.
You groan as you turn around to meet your best friend's disappointed glare.
"Where were you, man?" James asks, "I was calling you all morning."
You feel your chest tighten as you try to think of an exscuse. Your mind is blank.
"I slept through my alarm," you reply sheepishly.
You can tell James is not satisfied with that answer and you slouch even more into your oversized winter coat.
"When are you going to start getting your shit together? I am tired of this moping around."
You feel your blood begin to boil. If only he knew how hollow and empty your insides feel. Or how your throat clogs up whenever you try to eat. He doesn't know anything about how you are really feeling, but it's not like you are telling him.
[[Flick him off-> Flick off 2]]
[[Say you are sorry]]
[[Tell him how you are really feeling]]
You pull your head out of the covers and flick off your best friend. "Go away, James," you say icily.
His eyes widen and he storms out of the room; slamming your bedroom door behind him.
You turn and pull the covers over your head. Remorse begins to fill your stomach and chest. Why did you have to be so //mean//. James was just trying to help you out. He really does care about you. You feel tears start to roll down your brown cheek.
You feel dirty and [[empty]].
You take a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. You're right, I do need to get my shit together."
You rub your eyes and sit up in your bed.
"What's going on, man?" James replies, this time with a softness in his eyes.
You try to come up with the words to describe everything you are feeling, but come up blank. You barely know how you are feeling yourself.
"I'm fine. Just staying up too late, that's all."
"I miss you, man," James replies.
His raw sincerity makes your heart sting. You haven't been yourself lately and you don't know why.
"I miss you too, man."
He walks away and you slouch back into your bed. Tears roll down your brown skin and you feel ashamed. What is wrong with [[you->empty]]?
You take a deep breath.
"You're right. I haven't been myself lately."
Your palms are clammy and your chest tightens. You don't really know how to describe how you are feeling. You barely know how you are feeling yourself.
James' eyes soften and you feel a small wave of courage to tell him the truth.
"I guess I just have been pretty sad lately. It's kinda hard to explain. I have no motivation to do anything and I always feel really stressed out."
James has a puzzled look on his face. "Sad? About what?"
"I...I dont' know.." you stutter.
"Man, you don't have time for this pansy shit. What is there to be sad about? You are getting a college education. You have a roof over your head. And you have a job. I'm not sure what more you could ask for.
You stare at James blankly. You don't know what to say. He's right; you should feel lucky for where you are at. Both of your mothers worked so hard to get you both here from Detroit. But you just can't feel much of anything right now, and it hurts.
James throws you an exasperted look and walks out of the room. You sink into your bed as tears roll down your brown [[face->empty]].
"You don't know anything, James," you say icily.
You flick off your best friend and storm out of the building. Your heart starts racing and all you can think about is the look on James' face when you left: brows furrowed, mouth gape. There was something more than anger in his eyes. Hurt? Disappointment? It didn't matter now. What's done is done.
You race home and fall into your bed.
You want to feel upset for what you did, but you can't. You can't feel anything. Tears roll down your brown face as you fall into a deep [[sleep->empty]]
You take a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. You're right, I do need to get my shit together."
"What's going on, man? James replies, this time with a softness in his eyes.
You try to think of the words to describe everything you are feeling, but come up blank. You don't even know yourself.
"I'm fine. Just staying up too late, that's all."
"I just miss you, Kendall," James replies.
His raw sincerity makes your heart sting. You haven't been yourself lately and you don't know why.
"I miss you too."
You both stand there in awkward silence. You have been friends since grade school, but it is rare that you both share any type of feelings.
James clears his throat, "Well, I better get going to my next class. Don't you have work in an hour?"
//Work.// //Right.//
"Yeah I better get going too."
You give each other a nod and you walk [[home->empty]].
You take a deep breath.
"You're right. I haven't been myself lately."
Your palms are clammy and your chest tightens. You don't really know how to describe how you are feeling. You barely know how you are feeling yourself.
James' eyes soften and you feel a small wave of courage to tell him the truth.
"I guess i just have been pretty sad lately. It's kinds hard to explain. I have no motivation to do anything and I always feel really stressed out.
James has a puzzled look on his face. "Sad? About what?"
"I...I don't know.." you stutter.
"Man, you don't have time for this pansy shit. What is there to be sad about. You are getting a college education. You have a roof over your head. And you have a job. I'm not sure what more you could ask for."
You stare at James blankly. You don't know what to say. He's right; you should feel lucky for where you are at in life. Both of your mohther's worked so hard to get you both here from Detroit.
James throws you an exasperated look and walks out of the building. You start to follow him while your eyes fill with hot, wet [[tears->empty]].
The air is toasty and warm when you walk into your shift at Panera Bread. You say hello to your manager, mustering as much joy in your voice as is possible. You were late the last three shifts, you need to make sure you are on your a-game today.
But how could you be after a day like today? James is clearly mad at you and you feel like no one will ever understand how you truly feel on the inside.
You reach for a clean green apron in the back office and fix your tan hat and nametag. //You got this.// You take a deep breath and punch in.
You check the deployment sheet and notice that you are on dishes tonight. //Whew.// You grab your headphones and turn it to the new Panic! At the Disco album. //If James ever knew you listened to some white boy screaming into a mic, he would laugh his ass off.//
You begin to walk to the dishroom before your boss yells out your name, "Kendall! Can you come hear for a sec?"
You walk over to the manager's room as you pause the beginning of "Golden Days."
"Do you want to work the line today? We are short a person and could use your help. We can train you."
Your heart jumps. It usually takes people months before they are allowed to train for the line. You never thought you would be given this chance so soon, especailly with your track record of tardiness. Plus, once you are promoted to the line you get a pay raise...
But you are //so// tired. You were looking forward to being able to get lost in your music and not talk to anyone. You feel as though if you trained on the line you would fail so miserably and make a huge mistake.
''//Agree to train on the line//''
[[Agree, but make sure to ask for a longer break]]
[[Say no]]
"Uhm...yeah sure. That works," you reply hesitantly, shifting your weight from one foot to the other.
"Sweet. Lucy is upstairs. She'll be your trainer today."
"Okay thanks." You turn and start to walk to the kitchen.
"Oh, and no headphones Kendall!!" your manager calls out.
So much for your quiet shift. You throw your headphones into your locker and walk over to the [[kitchen]].
"Uhm..I am not feeling too well today, Laura. Would it be okay if I just stick with dishes?"
Laura's face looks puzzled. "Uh. Yeah, Kendall. Sure," she retorts. "I just better not see a single dirty dish out on the floor or your hours are getting cut. I am sick and tired of your lazy attitude, Kendall."
"Yeah, okay," it's all you can spit out. Your throat is closing and you feel dizzy. You turn and practically run to the dishroom where you splash your face with water running from the tap. //Why can't you be normal?//
You press play on "Golden Days" and dip your hands in the hot pool of dirty dish [[water]].
It's 11 PM. Your shift ended a half hour ago, but you are staying later to learn more about closing the food line.
The shift went surprisingly well, and you didn't end up asking for that second break like you thought you would. You feel energized and purposeful. Working the line required you to be fast, think on your feet. You liked that about it.
"Great job today, Kendall," Laura says with an approving nod.
"Thanks! I really liked working the line."
Laura turns to tend to some counters that hadn't been wiped down. You follow her, feeling though this may be your only chance to ask for a raise.
"So uhm, hey Laura? Yeah, I was wondering if I could get some shifts working the line again in the future?"
Laura continues to wipe down the counters with great force.
"I don't know about that Kendall. We are pretty set on our line people. Today was just a day when we were in a pinch and you were the one to fill the spot. Plus, people like you don't like to work with customers anyways."
''//People like you?//'' What the hell was that supposed to mean? Is she referring to your quiet tone of voice and your stand-offish personality? Or is she referring to the color of your skin?
You stand dumbfounded; lacking the courage to fight back.
"Oh alright then..." you barely say as you trudge down the hall to reteive your [[things]].
It's 10:30 PM. Your shift is over and you clock out right on the dot.
You grab your things and head home. Your music still blaring in your ears, you barely remember to wave bye to Laura on your way out.
You get home and immediately get into bed. You think you have a blog post due in one of your classes, but right now you don't care. All you want to do is [[sleep->things]].
Two weeks have passed and it has only gotten harder for you to get out of bed in the morning. You and James haven't been on good terms and he has stopped calling you to wake you up for your early psych class together. The past two weeks have been a blur.
Class.
Work.
Sleep.
You feel both nervous and apathetic about failing a couple of your classes. Your mind is in a constant battle with itself and the only relief you can find is from [[sleep]].
You decide to call your mom. You haven't talked in a while and she may make you feel better.
ring.
ring.
ring.
"Hello."
Her voice is soaked in exhaustion and you question whether it was a good idea to call her in the first place.
"Hi, Mom!" you reply with the utmost enthusiasm.
"Oh Kendall. How are you, honey?"
You pause, trying to think of the right way to reply. "Good" would be just a flat out lie. "Bad" might make her worry. You decide "Fine" will have to suffice.
"I'm fine. How are you? You sound tired."
"Oh, I've just got off a double at the hospital. I want to hear about you! How's the Unversity of Michigan?"
//Where do I begin?//
"Uhm, it's different than I thought it would be, Mom."
"Different? How so?"
''Lie and change the subject.''
[[Tell her how you have been feeling]]
"I think I am depressed, Mom."
The words spill out of your mouth like hot glue.
There is a long, dreadful silence.
"Kendall. Are you sure you're just not stressed? I have seen people with depression at the hospital all of the time and they are sad, really sad, and they don't have loving families like you do. They don't-"
"Mom, I know but-"
"-have a roof over their head and a good education. They don't have anything. You have everything you need."
"I understand, but if you would just list-"
"You are not depressed, Kendall. Depression is for crazy people. Do you understand me?"
"Yes Ma'm." you reply wearily.
"Good."
You hear muffled dog barks.
"Parker stop barking at Mr. Jenkins! Honey, I need to go now. Make sure to stay on top of those grades! I love you."
The line goes blank before you have any chance to [[protest]].
On your way to class, you notice a Diag board for the Counseling and Psychological Services on campus.
"Leaders at their best!" says the slogan printed in thick yellow ink.
You see a phone number at the bottom of the poster.
"Need a helping hand?" it says before the number.
//Yes. Yes, I do.//
You continue your walk to class and think about the idea of someone reaching out their hand to you.
It has been such a long time since someone has truly listened. Maybe it will be a good idea to at least call.
[[Forget about it]].
[[Call the number]].
[[Call the number]] or [[Game Over]]
Maybe having someone to talk to //will// help you feel a little better.
You turn around and go back to the poster with the number on it.
ring.
ring.
ring.
This time a friendly voice answers, "Counseling and Psycholoical Services, how may I help you?"
"Hi. I'd like to make an [[appointment]]."
Unfortunately, you do not seek help for your depression and anxeity. You feel as though you can grow out of it if you focus harder on getting good grades and pleasing your family and friends.
You do work harder, and from the outside it looks like you are a successful University of Michigan student.
But on the inside you are more hollow and empty than ever before. If only you had sought [[treatment->appointment]] for your mental health disorders. The pressures from the outside world would have dissolved and your confidence to stand up to your mom and best friend would have increased.
_______________________________________________
Depression and anxiety is a legitimate mental health disorder. People from all identities suffer from depression, and anxiety, and a whole spectrum of other mental health issues. For more information about the disparity of mental health care between races, please visit [[this]] website.
Thank you.
Congratulations! You took the first step towards conquering your mental illness! After your first visit at the campus Counseling and Psychological services, you are diagnosed with depressionn and generalized anxiety disorder. Labeling how you are feeling helps you seperate the disease from you as a person. You are on the road to recovery and gaining the confidence to talking about mental health with James and your mom.
_______________________________________________
Depression and anxiety is a legitimate mental health disorder. People from all identities suffer from depression, and anxiety, and a whole spectrum of other mental health issues. For more information about the disparity of mental health care between races, please visit [[this]] website.
Thank you.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-news/2012/ethnic-disparities-persist-in-depression-diagnosis-and-treatment-among-older-americans.shtml