"dean, i think [[i'm in love with you]]"\n\nbefore you could even\n<<cyclinglink "open your mouth" "turn to meet him" "think">>\n
girls just ate up the whole helpless little brother act\n\nwith his big, watery eyes\nand small frame\nand shaggy hair\n\nyou just wanted to snatch him up and say pet him(?)\nand just say 'awwwww it's okay'\n'who's my good [[baby boy]]?'\n\nhow could you ever compete?
you wouldn't call him a writer\nbut\n\ngod\n\nif there ever was a reader\n\n[[word-o-philia]] you could say\ncoining dumb things together just to be paired with the appropriate response:\n"those words don't even have the same origin"\nand the squinty-eyed code for\n'brotherly love'\n\nmaybe you'll stick to [[dirty talking]]
always been pretty klutz-y\n\nespecially\nafter\n\n[[out-growing]]\n\nhis\n\nown\n\n\nbody\n\n\nhe probably fell asleep\nbut you're too tired\nyourself\nto give anything close to\na good response\n\n"you did that on purpose, bitch."\nyou slur through squinting eyes\n[[regretting]] it\nin an instant
breathe\n<<timedgoto "h3" 2s >>
breathe\n\n<b>breathe</b>\n\n<<timedgoto "h4" 2s >>
[[go to sleep]]
<<timedgoto "h2" 1s >>
you're confused\n\nbut\nthe confusion\nis short-lived\n\nreplaced with a different confusion\n\npapers\nmove across your eyes\nbefore you even realize \n\n[[he's tipped the table over]]
the truth is\nthere's more than just '[[sammy|keeps coming up]]'\n\nbut you just never use 'em\nso they just never get known\n\nbut that's the way it should be, right?\n\ni, mean "<<cyclinglink "baby boy" "cutie" "boyfriend">>"?\n\nthat's just a pet name\n\nwhich doesn't suit\nyou\nat all
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[[just forget it]]
it feels like you're \nin [[high school]] again\n\nwriting your immature notes\nignoring the fact that there are \nperfectly good lines\nto follow on the [[college]] ruled paper\n\nscribbling\nwhile he busies himself [[across the table]]\n\nmost likely\nmore productive than you\n\nare you even going to give them?
admittedly\nyou've done a lot of <<cyclinglink "dumb things" "getting drunk" "getting caught" "bad comebacks" "just plain dumb things" end >>\n\nyou still do\n\nand it definitely\ndoesn't\nexclude him\n\nway more\nthan\nyou'd be willing\nto say\n\nbut [[he just smiles]]\nthrough <i>everything</i> \nyou do and sometimes \nyou feel sorry\nthat he's got to deal\n\nwith a sorry sap\nof a brother\n\na sorry\n(madly\nin love)\nsap\nof a brother
no\nit was <i>not</i> because he was off at stanford\n\n<b>wide ruled paper</b>\njust\n\n[[fit]]\n\nyour big hand writing better
you look back down\n\n<IMG SRC="http://i.imgur.com/0tOp38N.png">\n\nit's pretty dumb\n\nyou should just \n<<cyclinglink "scrap it" "tear it" "shred it" "burn it \nso he can never see how dumb you are" end >>\n\n(it's not like [[he doesn't know]] already)\n\n[[but are you going to give it to him?|are you even going to give them?]]
<i>god</i>\n\n[[where do you even start?|once again]]\n\nactually\nthat about summed it up\n\nall the way from [[his fruity shampoo]]\nto the way he kept himself up all night\nthinking of what \nthe most efficient and cheapest\nway to kill a "[[whatever]]" was\n\nhe was just that\na god
<span style="cursor:not-allowed">this <<cyclinglink "isn't right" "is so right" end>>\n\nand you have <<cyclinglink "no words" "all the right ways" end>>\nto show\n\n<<hoverlink "how you feel" "what you think" "how you feel" end>></span>\n\n
you were actually considering it\n\nbut after he shot a glance your way\nyour <i>paper's</i> way\n\nyou instead \n<font color="000000">.................</font>up\n<font color="000000">..........</font>them\ncurled\ntowards you\n\nmaybe that was [[the wrong move]]\n\nbecause\nnow\nhe's just looks\nmore frustrated\n\nand\nknowing him\nmight try\nharder to find out \n[[what's written]]\nthere
he reprimands you from using\n<i>touching</i>\nhis stuff\n\nand feel like you're [[the puppy|the 'puppy']]\n\nhe keeps all neat-like in his dumb duffel bag\n(completely seperate, of course, from his backpack)\n(and did i mention his <i>satchel?</i>)\n\nand you guess you can understand why\n"[[sifting through naughty sites]]"\nisn't necessarily what he wants to be known for\n\n[[but|keeps coming up]]
jesus christ\n\nyou're standing there\n\nyou just chuckle and kind of\nsmirk-laugh\nit off too\n\nand he's starting to walk off\naround the curb\nand it's\nalmost\n\nlike\n\nif he\nget's past\nthe point you\ncan't\n<<cyclinglink "see him" "touch him" "yell out his name and tell him">>\n\nhe'll be\ngone\n\nand\n\nyou'll\n\nhave\n\nlost\n\nhim\n\nand that was a [[mistake|mistakes]]\nyou want to [[pretend that never happened|once again]]
sometimes\nwhen no one is watching\n[[you'll do dumb things|high school]]\n\nlike rock out to your music on full blast (you're never allowed to when he's "trying to sleep" or "do research")\n\nor put garbage in his pillowcase or tp [[his things]]\n\nmaybe on occassion you also try to \nget him \n<sub>out \n<sub>of your head</sub></sub> \n\nfor once
breathe\n\n<b>breathe</b>\n\n[[breathe|why]]
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"hand-me down"\n\n"oh, [[older brother's]]?"\n\nmaybe you should \nstop calling them that
now's not the time\nfor\nremembering\n\nnow's not when you <i>want</i>\nto\n[[remember]]\n\nbut you do\nyou can't <i>not</i>
what was the point of that list?\nyou think\n\nlooking back\n\nchanged every new town\ncouldn't even put a face to 'em\n(so could they really be considered hot?)\n(if you couldn't even remember them?)\n\ntrying so hard to recall but the only thing that [[keeps coming up]]...
you're just done\n\nwith <<cyclinglink "the case" "screwing up" "feeling like shit" end >>\nand you think maybe\nif you just\n\nlay down\n\nand\ndon't\nlook\nat\nhim\n\nyou'll get something done\nand <<hoverlink "forget it" "forget it" "shove it far back enough in your head" end>>
/*\n \nTwineTubular\nA twine macro for making YouTube powered background images\nHacked mercilessly into twine by Jonathan Prior\nhttp://jonathanprior.com\n \nHOW TO USE\n \n<<playvideo mYKA-VokOtA>>\n \nargument 1 is the ID of the YT video\nargument 2 is the time you want to start the video at in seconds\nargument 3 should be "loop" if you want the video to loop\nargument 4 should be "sound" if you want sound from the video\n \nso for a video that skips ahead to 20 seconds and loops:\n \n<<playvideo RWgg5-kUSho 20 loop>>\n \nfor the same video as above, but with sound:\n \n<<playvideo RWgg5-kUSho 20 loop sound>>\n \nfor the same video as above, with sound but not looping:\n \n<<playvideo RWgg5-kUSho 20 noloop sound>>\n \nThe video plays automatically throughout the passage you include it in.\n \nTo stop the video, in the next passage, use the <<stopvideo>> macro\n \n*/\n \nwindow._tubular = undefined;\nwindow.jquery_url = 'https://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/2.0.0/';\n \nvar s = document.createElement('script');\ns.src = jquery_url + 'jquery.min.js';\ns.onload = function f(){\n if (jQuery) {\n jQuery.noConflict();\n }\n}\ndocument.getElementsByTagName("head")[0].appendChild(s);\n \nif (!document.getElementById("ytjs")) {\n var tag = document.createElement('script');\n tag.src = "https://www.youtube.com/iframe_api";\n tag.id = "ytjs";\n var firstScriptTag = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];\n firstScriptTag.parentNode.insertBefore(tag, firstScriptTag);\n} else {\n try {\n window.onYouTubeIframeAPIReady();\n } catch(e) {\n void(0);\n }\n}\n \nmacros["playvideo"]={\n handler: function(place, macroName, params, parser) {\n /* jQuery tubular plugin\n |* by Sean McCambridge\n |* http://www.seanmccambridge.com/tubular\n |* version: 1.0\n |* updated: October 1, 2012\n |* since 2010\n |* licensed under the MIT License\n |* Enjoy.\n |*\n |* Thanks,\n |* Sean */\n \n ;(function ($, window) {\n \n // test for feature support and return if failure\n \n // defaults\n var defaults = {\n ratio: 16/9, // usually either 4/3 or 16/9 -- tweak as needed\n videoId: 'ZCAnLxRvNNc', // toy robot in space is a good default, no?\n mute: true,\n repeat: true,\n width: $(window).width(),\n wrapperZIndex: 99,\n playButtonClass: 'tubular-play',\n pauseButtonClass: 'tubular-pause',\n muteButtonClass: 'tubular-mute',\n volumeUpClass: 'tubular-volume-up',\n volumeDownClass: 'tubular-volume-down',\n increaseVolumeBy: 10,\n start: 0\n };\n \n // methods\n \n var tubular = function(node, options) { // should be called on the wrapper div\n var options = $.extend({}, defaults, options),\n $body = $('body') // cache body node\n $node = $(node); 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// restart\n }\n }\n \n // resize handler updates width, height and offset of player after resize/init\n var resize = function() {\n var width = $(window).width(),\n pWidth, // player width, to be defined\n height = $(window).height(),\n pHeight, // player height, tbd\n $tubularPlayer = $('#tubular-player');\n \n // when screen aspect ratio differs from video, video must center and underlay one dimension\n \n if (width / options.ratio < height) { // if new video height < window height (gap underneath)\n pWidth = Math.ceil(height * options.ratio); // get new player width\n $tubularPlayer.width(pWidth).height(height).css({left: (width - pWidth) / 2, top: 0}); // player width is greater, offset left; reset top\n } else { // new video width < window width (gap to right)\n pHeight = Math.ceil(width / options.ratio); // get new player height\n $tubularPlayer.width(width).height(pHeight).css({left: 0, top: (height - pHeight) / 2}); // player height is greater, offset top; reset left\n }\n \n }\n \n // events\n $(window).on('resize.tubular', function() {\n resize();\n })\n \n $('body').on('click','.' + options.playButtonClass, function(e) { // play button\n e.preventDefault();\n player.playVideo();\n }).on('click', '.' + options.pauseButtonClass, function(e) { // pause button\n e.preventDefault();\n player.pauseVideo();\n }).on('click', '.' + options.muteButtonClass, function(e) { // mute button\n e.preventDefault();\n (player.isMuted()) ? player.unMute() : player.mute();\n }).on('click', '.' + options.volumeDownClass, function(e) { // volume down button\n e.preventDefault();\n var currentVolume = player.getVolume();\n if (currentVolume < options.increaseVolumeBy) currentVolume = options.increaseVolumeBy;\n player.setVolume(currentVolume - options.increaseVolumeBy);\n }).on('click', '.' + options.volumeUpClass, function(e) { // volume up button\n e.preventDefault();\n if (player.isMuted()) player.unMute(); // if mute is on, unmute\n var currentVolume = player.getVolume();\n if (currentVolume > 100 - options.increaseVolumeBy) currentVolume = 100 - options.increaseVolumeBy;\n player.setVolume(currentVolume + options.increaseVolumeBy);\n });\n \n if (!document.getElementById("ytjs") == false) {\n window.onYouTubeIframeAPIReady();\n }\n }\n \n // load yt iframe js api\n \n \n // create plugin\n window._tubular = window._tubular || tubular;\n \n })(jQuery, window);\n window._tubular(jQuery("body"), {videoId: params[0], start: params[1], repeat: (params[2] == "loop"), mute: (params[3] !== "sound")});\n }\n}\n \nmacros["stopvideo"] = {\n handler: function(place, macroName, params, parser) {\n jQuery("#tubular-container").remove();\n jQuery("#tubular-shield").remove();\n }\n}
click\n click click\n\nclick click click\n\n click click click\n click\n\n click click\nclick click\n \n click\n\n\nsometimes you wonder how interesting a screen can be\njust filled with\n\n[[words]]\n\nall you know is that it keeps you up at night\neven [[when he's not there]]\n\nnote to self: get rid of that clock
[[tell him now]]
but you can \nfeel \nhis \n\n<span style="cursor:crosshair">eyes on you</span>\n\n<span style="cursor:crosshair">[[targeting you]]</span>\n\n
you think\nyou\ncalled him\n\nbaby boy <<hoverlink "blur" "(?)" "(you definitely did)" end>>\n\nand it just <<hoverlink "kind of happened" "kind of happened" "kind of happened (but obviously on purpose)" end>>
<<playvideo AI1N7oelEW0 23 loop>>\nand you <<cyclinglink "kiss him" "hold him" "need him">>\n\nbecause you thought you were falling\n\nbut\nnow\nyou\nare\n\n<b>soaring</b>\n\nand he <<cyclinglink "is strawberries" "is everything" "is yours">>\nand maybe it's okay that you [[don't know what to say]]
notes
because all you need is now\n\n-end-\n\n[[sam's side|http://sharkbaitsheartthrob.tumblr.com/post/74033141304/notes-sam-and-dean]]
it's kind of a <<hoverlink "blur" "blur" "blur (not really)" end>>
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but you're resolved\n\n[[tell him]]
oh god\n\nyou didn't have much\ntime\n\nand you\njust\n\n"yeah, i got a big ol' crush on your dumb self\nso what?"\n\nand you \nthink \nyou see what you \ncould call\n\nconfusion (?)\n\nfor a split second\n\nbut he laughs\ntoo\nand walks off\n\nand you are left\nto yourself\nand your <<cyclinglink "thoughts" "worries" "'why in the hell did i do that's" >>\n\nstop overthinking\nthat was a [[mistake|mistakes]]\nyou should have [[never done that|once again]]
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you were only joking\nbut when he squirmed like a little [[high school]] girl\n\nit wasn't really \n\n<i>anything</i> \n\nto you\njust a little <<cyclinglink "funny" "cute" "or how about" "'gimme some more of that'" end>>\n\nso you kept doing it
who can hate a pair of hot tits?\n\napparently him.\n\nbut\nit's better than finding the search history:\n"<<cyclinglink "how to get the girl" "the kind of nerdy type" "that sort of acts like a little brother?">>"\n\nbecause you thought if you typed anything\nless subtle\nthan that\n\nthe entire <i>planet</i> [[would know|baby boy]]\n\nhow do you erase the search history anyways?
"the uh..."\nyou'd scratch at your head\nand give the usual "hold up"\nand get the usual exasperated sigh\n\nas you yell at [[sammy]] from the other room\nto remind you\n\n[[once again]]\n\nwhat the name of the\nmonster was\n\nwhere did that [[g.e.d. and give em' hell attitude]] even get you?\n\na sad case of alzheimer's and two annoyed partners\ngod you wish you were boy genius sometimes
you remember how \nlanky\nhe <<hoverlink "out-growing" "used to be" "used to be (he was still cute)" end>>\n\nbut now\nhow\n<<cyclinglink "tall" "fit" "goddamn attractive" end>>\nhe is\n\nand it happened\nso\nfast\nin with the new\nand out with the old\n\nmakes you wonder \na little \nif [[he'd out-grown you too|he's tipped the table over]]
<i>you</i> were supposed to be the older brother\n\nyou were <i>supposed</i> to be the older brother\n\nbut soon army men were too trivial\nclothes were too small\nand <<cyclinglink "talk of stanford" "fights with dad" "broken bottles" "being a mess">> became a regular\n\none thing stayed the same at least: keep him safe\n\nbut sometimes [[you weren't there|high school]]\nand [[neither was he|when he's not there]]\n\nand sometimes\nthings\njust\ndidn't go\naccording\nto plan
'don't geek out on me'\n\nyou say more for your own sake\nthan his\n\n[[linguistics???]]\n\nmakes you\nthink\nwhy wasn't <i>i</i> able to make him smile like that?
and you've been put in this situation\nloads of times\n[[before|sammy]]\n\nso many actually\nthat's it second nature\nto respond with:\n"nah, not really"\n\nbut you're choking under\nyour twitchingly awkward smile\n\nf\n or\nc e\nd\n\nhe's just joking\nwhen he laughingly asks\n"what have you got a big crush on me or something?"\n\nand this could be the beginning\n\n[[stand there|stood there]]\n[[do something|you did something]]
you're so afraid\n\nto\nturn\n\nto meet those\n<<hoverlink "eyes" "eyes" "wide and innocent blue eyes">>\n\njust <span style="cursor:help"><b>ask</b>\n"what is it, sammy?"</span>\nlike before this mess
[[don't look over]]
why is your heart\n\n<<timedreplace 1s>>beating<<becomes>> racing<<becomes>> speeding<<becomes>> hurting<<endtimedreplace>>\n\n[[so hard]]\n\n
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[[stop messing up already|regretting]]
you <i>knew</i> it was a bad idea\nletting him <<cyclinglink "drink" "go to that party" "listen to your stupid plans" end >>\n\nbut you <strike>knew</strike> didn't know\n[[this]] would happen\n\nwhich is exactly \nwhy you <strike>did it</strike> messed up\nwhy you <strike>let him</strike> are here
honestly\n\nhe [[mistakes]] it for you using up his good money\n(but it's not like \nhe doesn't \nhave more fake credit cards \nwhere <i>that</i> came from)\n\nyou ran out of yours\nbesides\nyou thought that maybe if\n[[you did something]] to get to his level\n\neven just <i>smelled</i>\n[[like him|sammy]]\n\nwonderfilled\nstrawberry\nlime and\ncoconut\n<b>him</b>\n\nyou could get something right\nbe smarter or\nat least\n\nthat was the idea\n\n
sometimes you wonder\nhow\nhe even had the guts to go for something so big\n\nbut there's no college\nthat accepts resumes\nwhose credentials are:\n"[[stood there]] and looked pretty"
he's <<cyclinglink "desperate" "needy" "kind of horny">>\nand he wants you\n\nand [[you want him]]
"[[sammy]]"
you just have to sit\nand hope\nand <b>pray</b>\n\nthat he doesn't [[remember]] either\n\nyour "big ol' crush"\n\n<<hoverlink "confused" "you hate him" "you love him" end>>
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more like notes on which ones i want to remember\n\n<span style="cursor:not-allowed">not-allowed</span>\n\n
"lemme help you with that"\nhe offers\n\ngod\n[[you're such a jerk]]\n\nbut there <<hoverlink "regretting" "wasn't" "was never" end>> any time to think about <<hoverlink "regretting" "that" "this or that or what to say or do" end >>\nas he\n<font color="000000">..</font>r\n<font color="000000">...</font>e\n<font color="000000">....</font>a\n<font color="000000">.....</font>c\n<font color="000000">......</font>h\n<font color="000000">.......</font>e\n<font color="000000">........</font>d\nfor the paper\n\nwhich you almost didn't\n[[snag]]\nbefore him
sarah mills\nrebecca wicker\nhannah abbey\nhell, even amy bentley \nor was it bately?\n\ntop on the [[hot girls list]]\nand you had them wrapped around your finger\n\nsweet talking your way into the history books as\n'the jock who could('nt even get their goddamn names right)'\n\n"one night stands and getting slapped the next day" was the name of the game\nbut hey\nyou got laid\n\nmaybe [[the 'puppy']] following you around helped too
and\n\nyour\n\n[[hands]]\n\nwere\n\nshaking\n\n<<hoverlink "kind of happened" "-" "(because you've been waiting for this)" end>>
jay
as you both clamour\n\ndig\n<<cyclinglink "your hands" "his nails" "your tongue down" "his face" "your bodies" end >>\ninto\n<<cyclinglink "his hair" "your skin" "his throat" "your chest" "one another" end >>\n\n<<hoverlink "what's written" "(this isn't right)" "(this is so right)" end>>
<span style="cursor:not-allowed"><i>what are you trying to tell me, sammy?</i>\nthis shouldn't be allowed\n\nyou look straight at him\ninto his eyes\nsearching for <<hoverlink "anything" "something" "anything">>\n\nto say</span>\n
and he's not necessarily <i>smiling</i>\nwhen you finally take a chance\nto steal some looks his way\n\nand peel your self away from\nyour <<cyclinglink "immature notes" "tic-tac-toe" "doodles of monsters" "and you as a superhero" "you as a cowboy" "and him as your sidekick" "or damsel in distress">>\nignoring the fact that there are \nperfectly good lines\n\nscribbling\nwhile he looks fixated across the table\n\nmost likely\nmore productive than you\n\n[[are you even going to give them?]]
favorite movie: easy. anything with clintwood in it.\n\nfavorite food: pie\n\nfavorite word:\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[what?|keeps coming up]]