this is a twine about the end of the world.
(link: "this is a work of fiction")[(link: "this is a work of fiction")[(link: "this is a work of fiction")[(link: "this is a work of fiction")[(link: "//this is a work of fiction//")[(link: "//this is a work of fiction//")[this work is autobiographical]]]]]]. names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are all either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely a product of your [imagination]<imagination|. no animals were harmed in the making of this twine.
[blanket trigger warnings]<tw|
[[continue->email intro]]
<a href = "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYgZ7Sl09jc">recommended listening (press play in the background and allow to autoplay)</a>
(click-append: ?imagination)[ or guilty conscience](click-append: ?tw)[ for (link:"sexual assault")[(link:"sexual assault")[sexual assault, disordered eating,] (link:"and institutional betrayal")[institutional betrayal, and suicide]].](set: $despair to 0)(set: $depressiveepisodes to 0)(set: $outcomeknown to false)(set: $progress to 0)
[REDACTED] said that she would email you today with the (link: "results.")[results of the investigation.
(if: time > 10s)[You're worried she forgot.(set:$despair to it + 1)]
(link: "ding.")[The alert pops up on the side of the screen of your laptop.
[[Ignore it.->ignore]]
[[Read your email.->inbox]]]]
You scroll through your other tabs for a few minutes, but the [[1->inbox]] in your email box haunts you.
You have to read it (link: "eventually")[[[now->inbox]]].
(link: "You can still postpone.")[[[Confidential University Communication: Time-Sensitive->confidential]]
(link: "hw 3 - late?")[You send your professor an empty apology.(set:$despair to it + 1)]
(link: "W@IT NO MORE! Get Your Gear 22day With Seismic Audio's New Financing")[You move spam to the trash.]
(link: "are you coming in today?")[This email was received three days ago. You make something up about a family emergency.(set:$despair to it + 1)]
(link: "`[music-[REDACTED]]` New Opportunity at [REDACTED]")[You want to sign up for this program, but the idea of writing an application makes you feel sick every time your fingers get close to the keyboard.(set:$despair to it + 1)]]
Dear [REDACTED],
Attached please find the link to the Final Investigation Report in a Title IX matter involving you and related Exhibits: (link-goto:"[LINK REDACTED]", "report landing"). For your convenience, I also have attached a pdf of the Final Investigation Report.
Should you have any difficulty accessing Box, please contact [REDACTED], Executive Assistant to the Title IX Office, at [REDACTED].
(link: "We strongly encourage you to have support when reviewing the report.")[You have no [[support]].]
You have five calendar days from the date of this notification, or by 6 PM ET, on XXXX XX, 201X, to either accept or contest the recommended findings. If you do not contest the findings or do not respond by XXXX XX, 201X, we will notify both parties that this matter is considered closed. If you contest the recommended findings, we will schedule this matter for a Review Meeting in accord with the Procedures, Appendix B.
Best regards,
[REDACTED]
(link: "Deep breath.")[[[Read the report.->report landing]]]
[[There's a list of "exhibits" preceding the document.->exhibits]]
You (link:"don't want to read it")[have to read it].
(link:"Tuck your knees into your chest.")[[[incident report_final.pdf->report1]]]
(link: "You didn't tell your family.")[They'd find a way to make it your fault.(set:$despair to it + 1)]
(link: "You don't have any friends.")[(set:$despair to it + 1)You dream of making friends with the girls in your class, but it feels like there's an impenetrable wall between you. (link:"You're not like them.")[You're not like them. You're not a girl.]]
[[Your boyfriend laughed at you.->confidential]](set:$despair to it + 1)
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
**EXHIBIT LIST TO FINAL INVESTIGATION REPORT**
**EXHIBIT 1**: (link:"Policy on Sexual and Gender-Based Harassment and other Forms of Interpersonal Violence")[They gave you three hard paper copies of this during your various (link:"interviews")[(link:"interrogations")[inquisitions(set:$despair to it + 1)]].(set: $despair to it + 1)]
**EXHIBIT 2**: (link:"Notice of Investigation to Complainant")[A two-line email. (link:"Originally, they weren't going to investigate at all.")[You don't know what made them choose to investigate.(set: $despair to it + 1)]]
**EXHIBIT 3**: (link:"Notice of Investigation to Respondant")[You hope he shit his pants when he received that email. Pig.]
**EXHIBIT 4**: (link:"Report of Incident filed through //Just Report It//")[You don't remember writing this. You don't remember most of [[that month->october]].(set: $despair to it + 1)]
**EXHIBIT 5**: (link:"XXXX XX, 201X, outreach to Complainant")[You don't [remember]<badmemory| this email either.](click:?badmemory)[(replace:"You don't remember this email either")[Your memory has been getting worse and worse(set:$despair to it +1)]]
**EXHIBIT 6**: (link:"XXXX XX, 201X, email from Complainant to [REDACTED]")[You begged the investigator to be kept (link:"anonymous")[anonymous, as was your right]. You were [not]<anonymitywish|. You sent several emails like this.](click:?anonymitywish)[(replace:"You were not.")[Your wishes were not respected.(set:$despair to it + 1)]]
**EXHIBIT 7**: (link:"Respondent's medical records")[You hope he (link:"dies")[dies (link:"slowly")[slowly and (link:"painfully")[and alone. It's what he deserves]]].]
**EXHIBIT 8**: (link:"Interview with [REDACTED]")[You don't know this person.]
**EXHIBIT 9**: (link:"Interview with [REDACTED]")[You told him, back when you weren't sure if you had been-Say it.(click:"Say it.")[(replace:"-Say it.")[ sexually assaulted or not.(set:$despair to it + 1) You asked him if it was normal for(link:"-")[-No.(set:$despair to it + 2) You can't [think about it]<badthoughts|]]]](click:?badthoughts)[(replace:"think about it")[**do this**(set:$despair to it + 10)]]
**EXHIBIT 10**: (link:"Interview with [REDACTED]")[You told your only "local" friend about it when he was visiting. They misspelled his name in the report.]
**EXHIBIT 11**: (link:"Interview with Complainant")[They interviewed you three months after-the fact, so you couldn't remember (link:"anything")[the details you needed.(set:$despair to it + 1) Maybe that was for the (link:"best")[best. Or not(set:$despair to it + 1)].]]
There are a few others, but it's all just more of the same.
{(live: 10s)[(if:$despair > 30)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 10)[You feel pretty bad.]]}
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
{(live: 10s)[(if:$despair > 30)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 10)[You feel bad.
](set:$despair to it + 1)]}(set:$progress to 1)
Oh god, it's ninety pages long.
**CONFIDENTIAL FINAL INVESTIGATION REPORT**
I, [REDACTED], have concluded my investigation of the report of Prohibited Conduct that [REDACTED] ("Complainant") made involving [REDACTED] ("Respondent").
**I. UNIVERSITY'S COMMENCEMENT OF FORMAL RESOLUTION**
On XXXX X, 201X, the University received the following report from Complainant through //Just Report It//, the University’s public online reporting system:
[[Keep reading->report2]].
Skip to the [[bottom->reportend]].
(link: "^^Everything felt like it was far away^^")[You felt like you were (link:"drifting")[drowning.
You drove your car into a ditch and got a (link:"concussion")[(link:"severe concussion")[severe concussion.
It still hurts sometimes.(set:$despair to it + 5)(replace:"You felt like you were drowning")[You feel like you are drowning]
(link:"Swallow the bile in your throat")[Keep reading the [[evidence->exhibits]]]]].]]
(if:$depressiveepisodes > 1 and $outcomeknown is false)[Oh god, but it's too much for you, no matter how much you try to skip past the bad parts.
](set:$depressiveepisodes to it +1)You slam the laptop shut, your hands shaking.
You need to [[go outside->outside]].
The air is (either: "cold", "dry").
(link:"Smoke a cigarette.")[It's bad for you, you know. (set:$despair to it - 10)(link:"Smoke another cigarette.")[(replace:"It's bad for you, you know")[This will kill you one day](set:$despair to it - 5)]]
(link:"Set a leaf on fire.")[It burns to a crisp.
(set:$despair to it - 15)
(unless:$outcomeknown is true)[[[Light another.->calmed down]]](else:)[[[Put the lighter down->inside]]]]
Step inside.
You have to know what the [outcome]<outcome| is.
(click:?outcome)[(You could always just go [[home]] early instead...)]
Open your laptop to [[the table of contents->report landing]](if:$progress is 1)[ or [[the current page->report1]]](else-if:$progress is 2)[ or [[the current page->report2]]](else-if:$progress is 3)[ or [[the current page->report3]]](else-if:$progress is 4)[ or [[the current page->report4]]](else-if:$progress is 5)[ or [[the current page->report5]]](else-if:$progress is 6)[ or [[the current page->report6]]].
You rush back into [REDACTED] Hall and climb the flight of stairs to the only [unisex]<unisex| bathroom in the building and lock yourself inside.
(click:?unisex)[It's hard being pre-everything. It's hard being called (link:"ma'am")[a girl(set:$despair to it +1)] by every stranger you meet.
You chopped off all your hair recently. Someone called it a "powerful expression of femininity" and you wanted to (link:"puke down their throat")[(link:"scream until your voice gave out")[huddle in a corner and cry]].
](if:$depressiveepisodes > 4)[(link:"Stick your fingers down your throat")[You feel empty.(set:$despair to it + 10)]
Go [[home]].](else:)[(link:"Stare into the water")[You don't recognize your reflection.(set:$despair to it + 2)
Go [[home]].]]
(unless:$outcomeknown is true)[(go-to:"freakout")]You miss the bus and walk home.
The light in your bedroom is burnt out again.
(link:"Have a drink.")[All that you have in your fridge these days is cheap beer you get to take home from work.
(if:$despair > 5)[(link:"Have another drink.")[You spill frothy liquid on your t-shirt.(replace:"bedroom")[heart](replace:" again")[]
(if:$despair > 10)[(link:"Finish all the booze in your fridge")[There's only a few cans left, anyway.
(replace:"You miss the bus and walk home")[It's your fault that he got off](if:$despair > 20)[(link:"Swallow pills like candy")[(link:"Just take the //fucking// pills")[[[//They'll always get off no matter what you do because you deserved it you always deserve it//->overdose]]]]]]]]]]
[[Go to sleep->ending]]
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
{(live: 5s)[(if:$despair > 30 and $depressiveepisodes < 2)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 10)[You feel sick to your stomach.
]]}(set:$progress to 2)(live:3s)[(set:$despair to it + 1)]
You wrote this.
i am a student figure model. on monday morning, between 9 and 11 a.m., october 3 during fall break [Respondent], the professor whose class i work for, called me in to do private modeling for him. i was asked to undress, and i did. he said he would have to physically manipulate my arms and legs in order for me to get into the poses for gesture drawing. while doing this, his other hand would remain on my torso, or the back of his hand would brush unnecessarily against more intimate parts of my anatomy. on one occasion it felt like he was caressing my arm but at this point i was trying my hardest to pretend that i wasn’t tdidn’t see him doing it. i felt too afraid to speak up since on most occasions he was physically between me and the closed door and i was afraid of losing my job and not being able to work for the department again. at certain points during the drawing session i noticed he had a visible erection, although he was wearing pants. often i was physically placed such that i could not see him. he kept asking me about my personal life such as where i lived, and made comments about my body. This happened to me for two hours straight without reprieve. I do not know whether this is appropriate conduct between an artist and a model or a professor and a student. i’m afraid that I’m just overreacting. i have to keep modeling until the end of october because the students are not done with their painting. i am afraid of retaliation for reporting this. if you have to contact me please do so by text message or email.
(click: "You wrote this.")[It was incoherent because you were incoherent.
](click:"where i lived")[You lied about your location because you were afraid of him.
](click:"intimate parts")[You can remember feeling his fingers against your nipples. A phantom pain that doesn't go away.
(set:$despair to it + 5)]
[[Keep reading->report3]].
Scroll [[all the way down->reportend]].
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
{(live: 5s)[(if:$despair > 30 and $depressiveepisodes < 3)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 10)[You feel sick to your stomach.
]]}(set:$progress to 3)(live:2s)[(set:$despair to it + 1)]
This is your [interview]<interview|.(click:?interview)[(replace:"This is your interview")[Scroll quickly]]
**Complainant**: I was working as a figure model. Part of it was just because I sort of did want to get a little bit more involved in visual arts work, and also because I thought, I don't know, I feel like I always have trouble drawing when I ... I like to doodle a lot during class, and so I'll try to draw the people around me, maybe all my classmates falling asleep in class, or maybe the teacher or lecturer gesticulating, but it's very ... It's kind of hard for me, so I thought, "What if I took a figure ... If I did figure modeling?" Then maybe I'd learn more about how people work, because then I could see the other students work, but I actually didn't get to see the other students work very much.
**[REDACTED]**: Tell me a little bit about what being a figure model is like. What does that mean you do?
**Complainant**: I figure model for our two professors, and so one of them was actually very fun. I got to do clothed and nude modeling, and so I had the ... I got to do a lot of gesture poses, and do all sorts of whatever funny thing
I wanted to do. I think I ...
The way you talk is (link:"embarrassing")[embarrassing. You couldn't string your words together. You were trembling in your chair(set:$despair to it + 1)].
**[REDACTED]**: Tell me about what he did in terms of touching you that made you uncomfortable.
**Complainant**: He would touch my arms and legs, which made sense, but sometimes he would cross his arm over my body, or the back of his hand. I would think to myself, "That's really unnecessary. He could just reach around the other way." You don't have to reach like this, you could reach from another position or angle.
**[REDACTED]**: Let me see if I understand. It sounds like you're saying he would, say, be positioned on one side of your
body, and he would reach across your body to manipulate, say, your arm on the other side of your body, is that correct?
**Complainant**: Yeah, something ... It would be things like that. I'd think, "That's not very necessary." There's a table, it's very easy to walk around the whole table. Sometimes he would have his hand on my waist, even though he wasn't really ... I don't know what exact poses would require a hand on my waist to position my waist, because it's just sort of there. It's not like you can pick it up and move it somewhere.
Oh no, you're about to get to the part where you tell her about how he touched your breasts.
[[Scroll faster->report4]].
Scroll [[as fast as you can->reportend]].
You walk home in the dark, having missed your bus.
You need to (link:"know")[know the outcome.
So you scroll quickly through your phone to the [[bottom]] of the report.]
you shouldnt kill yourself
(live:1s)[(if:time > 2s)[no one should kill themselves]
(if:time > 3s)[i shouldnt kill myself]
(if:time > 5s)[[[x.->credits]]]]
You close your eyes and sleep.
Tomorrow is always another day.
(live: 1s)[(if:time > 2)[[[x.->credits]]]]
Of course he got off.
They always do.
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[No.]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[No]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[no .]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[ n]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[.]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[..]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[...]
(link:"Lie down in traffic.")[...........(link:".")[
(link:"Do it.")[oh god oh god oh god oh god
(live:2s)[(go-to:"traffic")]]]]
You stumble
numb
[[an impact->suicide]]
Your mother finds your (link:"body")[corpse] three days later,
[[face-down in a pool of your own vomit->suicide]].
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
{(live: 2s)[(if:$despair > 30 and $depressiveepisodes < 4)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 15)[You want to die.
]]}(set:$progress to 4)(live:1s)[(set:$despair to it + 1)]
(link:"It's this part.")[You remember the [phone call]<phone|, remember hyperventilating in a stairwell and crying over FaceTime.(set:$despair to it + 2)(click:?phone)[
You've always been anxious about phone calls.]]
In response to Respondent’s statement regarding prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction, Complaint said:
Okay. Well then I probably saw something that looked like one [an erection], that made me feel deeply unsettled and afraid.
Yeah. I mean, I didn't ever see ... It was behind a cloth. I wasn't going to be like, "Whoa, is that really an erection?" I'm not going to ask that sort of question. I just wanted everything to sort of end.
It was sort of tenting in the pants, combined with the fact that he'd been overly touchy feely with me the entire session, that I felt uncomfortable with it. He had been, his hands had been on my body, on my [breasts]<dysphoria|, on my waist, that kind of thing. I made the assumption that that's what it was because, I feel like that's a logical assumption to make.
(click:?dysphoria)[If you were a real boy this wouldn't have happened to you.(set:$despair to it + 5)
][[How many pages are left->report5]]?
Scroll all the way to the [[bottom->reportend]].
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
{(live: 2s)[(if:$despair > 30 and $depressiveepisodes < 5)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 15)[Oh god oh god oh god oh god
]]}(set:$progress to 5)(live:8s)[(set:$despair to it + 2)]
Respondent initially declined to participate in an interview, but he provided a written statement along with photographs, emails, medical records and a written statement by Professor [REDACTED].
(link:"HOW “TOUCH” IS A PART OF THE PROCESS OF WORKING FROM A MODEL")[Bullshit.]
In my practice of working with figure models, both in class and in my private studio practice, there is a small amount of touch involved. I have always considered this a part of a professional practice and not sexual. For me, this use of touch with a model originates from the norms of working with a model in art schools. As an undergraduate, I had my first figurative training in the [REDACTED]. The figure structure class at [REDACTED] University was where I learned anatomy, saw how models were employed for figure drawing and has always been a model for my teaching. My graduate study was at [REDACTED] where I continued to study the human figure. I took several classes each semester that involved working from a nude model. One of my graduate teachers, [REDACTED] – a renowned still life and figure painter – has two of his paintings in our own [REDACTED] Museum of Art. I was hired after graduate school to teach at [REDACTED] University and then hired at [REDACTED] to represent figurative drawing and painting.
In my art school experience, there were a number of reasons that a model was touched which were helpful for the model as well as the students who were drawing and painting the model. Reasons include adjusting the pose, encouraging a different pose, marking the model’s position with chalk or tape so they can take a break, and returning a model who has slouched or shifted position to the original pose. I also witnessed professors touching a model in order to point out landmarks of anatomy such as indications of bones or muscles while studying artistic anatomy. I have also seen and practiced myself the use of touch while describing aspects of a figure to a class learning to draw. Examples include: showing how weight is distributed, what happens to knees when the weight is placed on a single leg, where the back is flexible and where it is fixed, and how the shoulder girdle rises and falls in a particular pose.
...
[REDACTED]: Okay. Do you think there was any sort of manipulation you used to get (link:"her")[him(set:$despair to it - 1)] into that pose?
Respondent: I would guess so.
[REDACTED]: Okay, but do you recall it at all?
Respondent: (link:"No.")[No.
(link:"He admitted to touching you.")[It's totally unacceptable for anyone to touch anyone in that situation with that power dynamic.]]
[[Keep reading->report6]].
Scroll down to [[the end->reportend]].
**Recommended Finding: Sexual Assault (Nonconsensual Sexual Contact)**
I conclude, by a preponderance of the evidence, that there is insufficient evidence to find that Respondent is responsible for Sexual Assault as defined by the Policy.
It is undisputed that there was an unequal power dynamic between Complainant and Respondent in this incident. Respondent is several decades older than Complainant, he is a professor at the University where she is a student, and he employs (link:"her")[him(set:$despair to it - 1)] as a figure model in his classes. In addition to the disparity of their positions, Complainant was posing nude in Respondent’s University office. A nude figure model is in a vulnerable position with respect to the artist, as Mr. [REDACTED] and Mr. [REDACTED] both noted in their interviews. I believe that Complainant was uncomfortable in the modeling session and that she felt vulnerable due to all of these factors. I believe that Complainant made a report about (link:"her")[his(set:$despair to it - 1)] experience nude figure modeling in Respondent’s office in good faith. However, after reviewing the evidence gathered in this investigation, I do not find sufficient evidence to find, by a preponderance of the evidence, that Respondent violated the Policy during the private figure modeling session.
I find Complainant credible in her account of the incident. However, under the Policy, Respondent is presumed to be not responsible and Respondent offered sufficient evidence to counter Complainant’s statement that Respondent touched (link:"her")[his] breasts and to counter Complainant’s contention that the contact was intentional and sexual in nature. Therefore I find that there is insufficient evidence, by a preponderance of the evidence, to find Respondent’s responsible for Sexual Assault in the form of nonconsensual sexual contact in violation of the Policy.
[[Oh->slammed shut]].
(click-replace:" she ")[ he (set:$despair to it - 1)](set:$outcomeknown to true)
(link-goto:"<-","report landing")
{(live: 2s)[(if:$despair > 30 and $depressiveepisodes < 5)[(go-to:"slammed shut")](else-if:$despair > 15)[You feel dizzy.
]]}(set:$progress to 6)(live:8s)[(set:$despair to it + 2)]
More interviews with art faculty.
Someone you've never met:
The current academic environment is very different than that of thirty or forty years ago. For better or worse, today’s students seem to function in a more sexualized, hyper-sensitized environment. Older faculty may be not completely in touch with what students a third their age are thinking or experiencing, just as a an eighteen year old student might easily misunderstand an innocent action or remark by a sixty year old professor. I don’t mean to suggest that student’s concerns about sexual harassment aren’t valid, only that misunderstanding is possible where the [power relationship]<powerplay| between faculty member and student is a part of the situation. Unfortunately, this fear of misunderstanding can erode the quality of the educational experience for both teacher and pupil and lead to a thinner, more impersonal experience for both.
...
I'd think that one could say that just as a matter of common sense, one didn't make a point of touching a model.
(click:?powerplay)[(set:$despair to it + 1)
You were terrified of him the whole time. You hated how he would touch you in front of the whole class, how he would set his hand on your thigh to spread your legs apart as you sat on the stand. You could smell his breath on your face (link:"some days")[some days. After those sessions, you would spend your mid-mornings retching into a trash can, or chain-smoking until you couldn't taste anything but menthol and ash on your teeth(set:$despair to it + 1)].
]
Another professor [you modeled for]<nonharassment|:
Let's see, what was I going to say? Oh, never ever would I, as a professor, touch a model. Sometimes when we get into those longer poses I'll put tape down on the floor, or on the model stand, if they're on a stand, to kind of demarcate where things are, again so we can help models get back into as close a position as they were originally located. Even then, before I start I'll come to the model and I'll say, "Okay, I'm going to put some tape down on the chair, or on the stool and on the pedestal, is that okay?" Then as I'm doing it I'll say, "I'm going to put some tape down by your left foot right now."
(click:?nonharassment)[
Having a professor who was careful to not violate your boundaries was an alien experience. Being able to take breaks, forbidding the students from taking their phones out, having a //real space to change clothes//... You didn't know how to respond. You should have thanked him more. (set:$despair to it - 1)
]
[[Keep reading->reportend]].
THE END OF THE WORLD
made by <a href = "https://vimeo.com/ronge">ronathan g</a>.
**special thanks to**:
thomas jefferson
title ix
without you, this twine couldn't have been made.
**real thanks to**:
luke, for listening to me
peter, for preventing the endings of this story