An objective evaluation of the Megaman X4 bosses as Ruby Tuesday menu items:
[[Intro]]I have taken this rare opportunity to put my journalistic skills to the test so that I may finally lay to rest a topic that has haunted me for decades.
Personally, I'm tired of "real" games journalists shying away from an issue that has pressed on the minds of consumers since the late 90s. That being the delectability and overall desirability of the Megaman X4 bosses as menu items of the popular multinational foodservice retailer Ruby Tuesday. To that end, I've taken it upon myself to fill this void and shine a light on a long forgotten chapter in gaming/foodservice history.
I refer, of course, to an event in September of 1997 which was the result of a collaboration that Capcom denies knowledge of to this day.
In an unprecedented and poorly thought out marketing push, the popular franchise restaurant chain Ruby Tuesday began offering a new set of menu items based loosely on the eight primary bosses of Megaman X4, coinciding with the North American release of the game. The program was justifiably short lived, due to low interest and a series of FDA complaints due to questionable ingredient sourcing.
Despite the program being swiftly snuffed out, there is one Ruby Tuesday location in Barrington, Illinois that still offers these menu items.
I have taken it upon myself and put my own personal health at risk to consume and review every one of these items and report back my findings, complete with an extremely scientific and objective scoring system.
Here are the results:
[[Menu Selection]][[Frost Walrus]]
[[Jet Stingray]]
[[Slash Beast]]
[[Web Spider]]
[[Split Mushroom]]
[[Cyber Peacock]]
[[Storm Owl]]
[[Magma Dragoon]]
//[[Conclusion]]//---Frost Walrus:
It's back and still bigger than ever! One full pound of 100% Choice USDA walrus meat stacked on a triple-decker toasted brioche bun with cheddar and Swiss cheeses and a light dusting of ice shavings! It protects the secret weapon which lies inside this pile of crisp onion rings!
The burger arrived soggy and impossible to eat without a fork and spoon. As I found out, walrus meat also has a very unpleasant stench which soaked into my clothing and persisted until they had been washed several times.
Meatiness: 9.8
Taste: 6.2
Moisture: 4.5
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Jet Stingray:
If you love cheese sticks, try this blend of melted cheeses baked inside a motorbike with tomato basil sauce topped with Parmesan crumbs. He destroys your hunger and escaped to a sea of lobster-flavored ranch dressing.
Served with unlimited tortilla chips.
When it arrived I had to be convinced that this was the actual appetizer and not a chemical spill scooped into a bucket. Bland and suffocating. The chips were good though.
Goodness: 3.9
Density: 7.4
Horsepower: 9.1
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Slash Beast:
A tender pork chop finished on the grill, then glazed with a hickory bourbon barbecue sauce. Served with yam dumplings and green beans.
Make it a Grand Slam!
Add 2 Chicken Tenders and 4 Fried Shrimp and 8 full, Uncooked Potatoes and 16 sticks of Garlic Butter for only $5
Somehow all of the meat elements fused together in the time it took to reach my table. The meat golem attempted to escape my plate until I was forced to slay it brutally with a fork. After leaving the Ruby Tuesday, I had to go for a long walk and consider the never-ending abyss of mortality.
Vitamins: 2.7
Body Horror: 8.8
Sentience: 1.3
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Web Spider:
Grilled spider with celery, red onions, black olives, banana peppers, salami, jungle foliage, and roasted tomatoes. Shipuuga'd with Italian Herb Vinaigrette and topped with an excessive drizzle of basil pesto sauce and our famous Lighting Web croutons.
Excessive ingredients, difficult to eat, arrived moist and was endlessly chewy; would not recommend unless you enjoy raking your face through a swamp.
Eatability: 2.5
Leafiness: 7.1
Legs: 8.0
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Split Mushroom:
Fresh, grilled mushrooms tossed with gluten free pasta in a light lemon Soul Body dressing finished with a sprinkle of aged Vermont white-cheddar bacon sauce, and a Parmesan crumb crust. He occupies your tummy and will attack anyone who visits there.
Served in much too large portions, greasy with a harsh palate, made me sick for two weeks.
Mouthfeel: 4.9
Volume: 9.2
Cheese Scent: 2.7
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Cyber Peacock:
Destroy the network system of your hunger!
Avocado, Swiss cheese, and applewood smoked bacon all topped with your choice of lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle chips. Only available in the CYBER ZONE.
It was just a normal sandwich, but I had to put on a VR headset to eat it. Unresponsive controls. Unbearably messy.
Cybernetics: 3.9
Face Sweat: 4.8
Realism: 2.3
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Storm Owl:
All white-meat owl smothered with smoky barbecue sauce and topped with Swiss, cheddar, and a river of our signature Rakuhouha sauce. Served with your choice of two sides. How dare you destroy his unit!
When served, I was not provided any standard utensils but with a rather clumsy aiming laser, turning this rather bland meal into a difficult task. The side of soup I ordered was impossible to consume.
Difficulty: 6.4
Cajun Influence: 3.9
Feathers: 7.7
[[Back->Menu Selection]]---Magma Dragoon:
Petite sirloin paired with a sweet and tender broiled lobster tail.
Served inside a volcano.
Arrived at my table on fire. Never stopped being on fire. It burns to this day.
Flavor: 9.7
Temperature: 874 °C
Roof of Mouth: Third Degree Burns
[[Back->Menu Selection]]And there you have it. In conclusion, I believe we can all learn something from this curious moment in marketing history. For instance, what are any of us fighting for?
I, for one, learned that I was deathly allergic to one of the ingredients in Web Spider.
This is crabmeats signing off. AVENGE ME!