Your Sword is Rather Plain (Chapter 1: The Quest for Starbucks)

You open your eyes and find yourself on the dusty floor of a dirty, gray room with a single [[slit of light|Slit]] located directly behind you as you stand up. It is mostly empty. The walls and floor seem to be made of concrete. In front of you there is a [[door|DoorDescription]]<<if $BuckyTheRat eq 0>>, a [[dead rat|Dead Rat]] to the left of the door<<else>><</if>><<if $sword eq 0>>, and a [[sword|Sword]] on your right flank.<<else>>.<</if>> Every inch of your body is aching. You are starving, thirsty, and in need of a [[pumpkin spice latte|whitey]] like the whiny white girl stereotype you are. <<if $BuckyTheRat eq 1>>BUCKY sits at your side, alert and ready to assist you like the faithful rat he is.<</if>> You have no idea where or who you are. What will you do? [[Yell for help|Death1]] <<if $NoSleep eq 0>>[[Go back to sleep|AfterSleep]]<</if>> <<if $NoWhine eq 0>>[[Whine|Whine]]<</if>>

The light on the other side is blinding. It is impossible to see what is on the other side through this slit, and only seems to serve the purpose of providing clarity inside the room you're currently in. So much for that. [[Return|Start]] [[Call out from slit|MysteryVoice1]]

<<set $sword to 1>> Your sword is rather plain. You decide to take it. [[Return|Start]]

Surprisingly, the poor thing doesn't even smell yet. Seems the kill is fresh. [[Poke rat|1st companion]] [[Eat rat|Death3]] [[Return|Start]]

You scream for help. The door opens and the next thing you know, someone puts an arrow through your eye. You cannot make out whoever just shot you because there is an arrow sticking out of your eye. Because you are not Slade Wilson and injected with Mirakuru to magically save your life, you die instantly. Better luck next time. <<set $WhineCry += 1>> [[Play again?|Start]]

<<if $SleepyIdiots lt 2>> You go to sleep. You wake up. Nothing has changed. It seems that light coming from the slit behind you is not natural. [[Go to sleep again|Death2]] [[Return|Start]] <<else>> Ohh... I see. You're one of those people who want to spend the entire game going to sleep. Well, let me tell you, I am very disappointed in you. Don't you know there's so much more to this game, so much more to see and interact with? And yet here you are, sleeping your way through it. How pitiful. ...An invisible hand strangles you to death, forcing you back to the start of the game. <<set $NoSleep to 1>> Your option for sleeping has been removed. [[Try something different|Start]], smartass. <</if>>

<<if $WhineCry lt 2>> You whine incessantly. "Why God, why me? What did I do to deserve such a terrible thing? What is even going on! I'm gonna die here, aren't I?" A voice from the slit whispers to you. "Yeah, if you won't shut the hell up and do something already." "What?" you question the mysterious voice. But you hear no response. Well, did you get that out of your system? [[Come to terms with reality and do something|Start]] [[Whine some more|Death1]] <<else>> Why do you insist on whining and crying for help for the rest of the game? There's so much more for you to do, and yet here you are, looping through the game to poke some fun. An invisible hand strangles you to death. You are now no longer able to whine because I have removed your vocal cords. You are mute until you realize how this game goes. This will have a bearing on what happens in the story. And I'm not just saying that. <<set $NoWhine to 1>> [[Nice try, though, smartass|Start]] <</if>>

You literally can't even and decide to sleep forever, dying from starvation. Or was it dysentery? Yes, that sounds about right. You are travelling on the Oregon Trail and died from dysentery, much to the dismay of the captors who have to clean your cell. But did you really have captors? Not that you would really care at this point. You are dead, after all. <<set $SleepyIdiots += 1>> [[Try again?|Start]]

You nervously fumble around in your pocket. It's still there. Your Starbucks gift card is safe and sound, but for how long? You wonder what time it is. [[Focus, you idiot|Start]]

"Hello? Anyone there?" you say. "Shhh. Keep it down. If the guards know you're awake, they'll kill you for sure," a mysterious voice whispers. "Wait, what? Who-" "ShhhHHHhhhHHHhhh! Shut up! I can't help you much until you find a way out of there. I will not say more, or we're both dead for sure." Well damn. What now? [[Return|Start]]

<<set $BuckyTheRat to 1>> The rat magically springs to life. Your discombobulated memory instantly remembers who this is. Congratulations, you have a new companion BUCKY. [[Return|Start]]

Now why the hell would you do that? Are you just trying to see how many ways there are to kill yourself in this game? You pick up the rat and sink your teeth into its flesh. It loved you. You monster. Shortly afterwards you vomit on the floor because Bucky tastes so bad. The door flies open and an arrow is put through your eye by an unidentified figure. Better luck next time. [[Try again?|Welcome]]

The door is a shade of gray darker than the wall and floor that surround it. You glance tentatively at the doorknob, unsure of what might be on the other side. [[Chicken out|Start]] [[Open door|Open door1]]

You muster up the courage to walk over to the door and open it up slowly. You emerge into a dimly lit corridor. It seems just as gray and bleak as your cell, with torches- wait, torches what?- lighting every 10 feet or so. <<if $ArcherDead eq 0>> On the opposite wall there is a [[man|ArcherDescription]].<</if>> The passage seems to stretch forever to the [[left|LeftCorridor1]] and [[right|RightCorridor1]]. <<if $BuckyTheRat eq 1>>BUCKY sits at your side, alert and ready to assist you like the faithful rat he is.<</if>> <<if $ArcherDead eq 1>>A dead man in what appears to be an archer costume is bleeding out from his neck. A pool of blood surrounds him.<</if>> [[Return to cell|Start]]

He looks like he came straight out of a Renaissance Fair. There is a quiver of arrows slung over his back and a bow is leaning up against the wall next to his right leg. He is unaware of you and seems to be engrossed in a book of some sort. At least he's classy? <<if $BuckyTheRat eq 1>>BUCKY looks at you quizzically.<</if>> [[Talk to Unidentified Man|Death4]] [[Stab Unidentified Man|SwordKillMan]] [[Attempt to Kill Unidentified Man|ArcherKillAttempt]] [[Return|Open door1]]

"Um, excuse me, where am I?" you call out. Immediately, the funny man whips around and shoots you in the chest with an arrow with lightning fast reflexes and frightening accuracy. You slump over and die a quick death. [[Try again?|Welcome]]

<<if $BuckyTheRat eq 0>> You took some self defense classes, right? No? Well, that's a shame. I mean, even if you did, they never would have taught you how to really put someone to sleep, would they? Self defense classes today are a joke anyway. You weakly punch the back of the man's head. He whips around and sticks an arrow through your side, without a bow and absolutely unphased. He goes back to reading his book as you die a slow death. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <<else>> As you get ready to futilely punch the back of the man's head, BUCKY scurries past you and crawls up the man. With absolutely unrealistic ferocity, BUCKY rips the man's throat out. <<set $ArcherDead to 1>> [[Return|Open door1]] <</if>>

<<if $sword eq 1 and $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> <<set $ArcherDead to 1>> You question your motives for wanting to kill this man out of nowhere. Luckily, Bucky does not have these kinds of moral concerns. He scurries past you and runs up the man, promptly ripping his throat out with unrealistic ferocity. [[Return|Open door1]] <<elseif $sword eq 0 and $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> <<set $ArcherDead to 1>> You question your motives for wanting to kill this man out of nowhere. Also, you didn't take the sword with you. Luckily, Bucky does not have these kinds of moral concerns. He scurries past you and runs up the man, promptly ripping his throat out with unrealistic ferocity. [[Return|Open door1]] <<elseif $sword eq 1>> You question your motives for wanting to kill this man out of nowhere. [[Return|Open door1]] <<else>> What are you going to stab him with? Your Starbucks Gift Card? You didn't even take the sword with you. Don't embarrass yourself. Just [[go back|Open door1]]. <</if>>

<<if $ArcherDead eq 0>>As quietly as you can, you evade the man, hurrying to the left of the corridor.<<else>>You kick the dead man's body out of the way and head left. Blood now stains your TOMS.<</if>> There is another hall that spans to your left almost immediately after following the corridor for a bit. Perhaps you could figure out what that mysterious light was illuminating your cell? You ponder whether to go [[left|MysteryLightCorridor]] or [[continue|LeftCorridor2]] down the corridor. [[Return|Open door1]]

Walking along the dimly lit corridor to the right of the room you originally woke up in for a few minutes, you come across a pair of doors. You ponder whether to take the one on the [[left|TowerEntrance]] or the door on your [[right|DiningHallEntrance]].

You turn left. A short passage stretches in front of you. At the end of the passage in front of you there is a door with light Coming out from under it. The [[light|MysteryLightRoom]] has a strange beckoning force that you can't help but be attracted towards. Of course, you could always just [[go back|LeftCorridor1]].

It is about five minutes before you come up on a [[light|CorridorEndLeft]] at the end of the corridor. To the right of you is a [[metal door|DeathRoomLeft]].

You emerge into the sunlight. An arrow stabs you through the back. Guess the archer had friends. <<if $BuckyTheRat eq 1>>As you crawl on the ground gasping your last breaths, Bucky scurries in front of you and suddenly gazes at you with wise eyes. A blinding flash of light. You wake up on a boat. TO BE CONTINUED... [[Play again?|Welcome]] <<else>> GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <</if>>

It beckons to you. What could be on the other side? Starbucks? Probably Starbucks. Starbucks is definitely on the other side. Wanna [[check it out|Death7]]? [[Uh... no thanks|LeftCorridor2]]

You barge through the door and proceed to fall into a pit of spikes. How cliché. Maybe you'll find Starbucks on your next playthrough. [[Try again?|Welcome]]

You take the door on the left. It leads a winding stone staircase. You [[ascend|TowerRoom1]], with torches lighting the way. [[Return|RightCorridor1]]

You take the door on the right and emerge into a grand dining hall. Medieval chandeliers light the room. Bare wooden tables that would normally house huge plates of food fit for nobility span all the way to the other side of the room. <<if $PumpkinSpice eq 0>> The table directly in front of you has one of those [[bell thingies|BellRing]] you tap to bring someone's attention. <</if>> Sadly, there is no Starbucks here. <<if $BuckyDead eq 1 and $ArcherDiningHall eq 1>> Bucky lies skewered at your feet. You mourn at your loss. The archer lies in a pool of blood, decapitated by your hand. <</if>> There is another [[door|CastleEntrance]] on the other side of the room. [[Return|RightCorridor1]]

You come upon a room that seems to be a private study of some sort. Shelves of books line the walls. A fur carpet stretches across the ground. There is a [[desk|DeskExamine]] in the center, with trinkets scattered across the place. Behind the desk there is a [[fireplace|FireplaceExamine]]. To your right is another [[spiraling staircase|TowerTop]] lit with torches. [[Return|TowerEntrance]]

You walk into what seems to be a foyer of some sort. You discover that you are in a castle. A [[huge entrance|Ending1]] with a drawbridge stretching across a moat lies in front of you. There are two locked doors on either side of you. And no, you can't interact with them. Those are just there to make you feel like there's actual depth to this room description and setting.

<<set $sword to 1>> You pick up the sword. It is still rather plain. [[Return|Start]]

<<set $sword = 0, $BuckyTheRat = 0, $ArcherDead = 0, $PumpkinSpice = 0, $BuckyDead = 0, $ArcherDiningHall = 0, $SleepyIdiots = 0, $NoSleep = 0, $WhineCry = 0, $NoWhine = 0, $RaggedyMan = 0, $CupSleeve = 0 >> Welcome to Your Sword is Rather Plain. <i>"What could be in this game?"</i> you wonder. A fantastic and adventurous tale, meticulously thought out and endearing? A story filled with turmoil? Catastrophe? Amazement? Not even close. Have fun! :) <i>NOTE: "GAME OVER" means you lost the game. Deaths mean you lost the game. There are many endings. Try different things. Experiment.</i> [[Begin|Start]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You tap on the bell thingie. <<set $PumpkinSpice to 1>> A pumpkin spice latte falls from the sky and into your hands. Finally! <<if $ArcherDead eq 0 and $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> <<set $BuckyDead to 1>> The door behind you opens. An arrow flies towards Bucky, skewering him instantly. It's the archer! <<set $BuckyTheRat to 0>> Was it worth it? [[Attempt to Kill Unidentified Man|StabArcher]] <<else>> [[Return|DiningHallEntrance]] <</if>>

<<if $sword eq 1>> <<set $ArcherDead to 1>> <<set $ArcherDiningHall to 1>> You whip around and slice the man's head off. That'll sure show him. [[Return|DiningHallEntrance]] <<else>> In a fit of rage, you chuck your Starbucks Gift Card at him. He replies by putting an arrow through your eye. Better luck next time. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <</if>>

You walk out of the castle like it's a casual stroll in the park. [[Enjoy yourself|Death9]] <<if $PumpkinSpice eq 1>> [[Drink pumpkin spice latte|Thisisanending]] <</if>>

You open the door to the mysterious room. An [[orb|YayStarbucks]] in the center of the room lights up the entire room with a blinding light. You shield your eyes. <<if $RaggedyMan eq 0>> A [[man|StarbucksMan]] with a carton tray of Starbucks Frappuccinos stands to your left right next to the crack in the wall that presumably is the same one in the cell you woke up in. <<else>> The raggedy man stares at you, dumbfounded. He ponders on what you'll do next. <</if>>

He is a raggedy man wearing a blue suit with a red tie. He wears Converse shoes and a strange device sits in his breast pocket. It resembles a screwdriver of sorts. A single tear falls from his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he says with a British-Scottish accent. [["Wait, what?"|Confusion]]

He bursts out laughing. "I'm just kidding. John Smith. Pleased to make your acquaintance." He extends his hand in greeting. [[Shake his hand|MeetTheDoctor]] [[Continue to look in confusion|ConfusedMeet]] <<if $sword eq 1>>[[Attempt to kill funny man|KillDoctor]]<</if>>

You shake his hand. "I'm sorry you don't remember who you are. If you did, your head would explode!" he chortles. [[Remember who you are|DonnaNo]] [[Stare blankly|DoctorTalksStarbucks]]

"Well." The funny man awkwardly retracts his hand. <<set $RaggedyMan to 1>> [[Return|MysteryLightRoom]]

You slice his head off. It rolls onto the floor as he drops the tray of frappuccinos onto the floor.

You remember who you are. You are Donna Noble. Your head explodes. The raggedy man drops the tray of Frappuccinos. Tears stream down his face as he cries himself to sleep. Good job. [[Play again?|Welcome]]

You stare at him blankly. "Ohhhh... come on now, don't look so glum!" He hands you a Strawberry Frappuccino. [[Take Frappuccino|MmmYummy]] [[Slap Frappuccino Away|AwwWhy]]

You take a sip. It is absolutely delicious. You wake up on a boat. TO BE CONTINUED [[Play again?|Welcome]]

You slap it from his hands. "Why would you do that?" <<set $RaggedyMan to 1>> Return [[MysteryLightRoom]]

You enjoy yourself. An arrow pierces your heart. Guess the archer had friends. <<if $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> As you crawl on the ground bleeding out, Bucky scuttles in front of you. He gazes at you with wise eyes. A flash of light. You wake up on a boat. TO BE CONTINUED... [[Play again?|Welcome]] <<else>> GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <</if>>

You take a sip of your deliciously warm pumpkin spice latte. You wake up on a boat. TO BE CONTINUED... [[Play again?|Welcome]]

You are compelled to come towards the orb. It still blinds you. [[Touch it|LolStarbucks]] [[Lick it|Lolstarbucksdeath]] [[Throw your gift card at it|lolno]]

You lick the orb. It tastes of lemon cake. You are electrified instantly. [[Try again?|Welcome]]

You hurl your gift card at it. It comes back around to you like a boomerang and stabs you in the brain. [[Try Again?|Welcome]]

You feel disembodied, as if you are being transferred to another plane of existence. When you open your eyes, you find yourself in a coffee shop. And sadly, no, it's not Starbucks. You collapse in emotional agony and think to pretend to subtweet somebody to cover up your insecurities. You wake up on a boat. TO BE CONTINUED... [[Play again?|Welcome]]

Wow. What a messy desk. Bits and bobbles of... stuff... lie scattered across the table with no particular relation to each other. You take no interest in the wide array of weaponry on the table. <<if $sword eq 1>>That IS what you brought the sword for, right?<</if>> <<if $CupSleeve eq 0>>You search the surface for anything useful and- OH WAIT THERE'S A [[STARBUCKS CUP SLEEVE|SleeveGet]] ON THE LEFT CORNER OF THE DESK OH MY GOD YES YES YES YES<</if>> [[Return|TowerRoom1]]

<<if $CupSleeve eq 1>> You throw the cup sleeve into the fire and smell the sweet, sweet aroma of burning 80% post-consumer recycled leather in the air. You wake up on a boat. TO BE CONTINUED... [[Play again?|Welcome]] <<else>> It's a pretty standard fire. It's bright. It makes crackling noises. It seeks to burn things. [[Throw self into fire|DeathWhatever]] [[Back|TowerRoom1]] <</if>>

You pick up the sleeve and squeal like a happy white girl, no matter what your gender may happen to be. <<set $CupSleeve to 1>> [[Return|TowerRoom1]]

You ascend the staircase, and lo and behold! Three guards are waiting at the top, bows pointing right at your face. [[Fight|ActionSequence]] [[Back away slowly|Deathlolol]]

You literally can't even and throw yourself into the fire with reckless abandon. GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]]

<<if $sword eq 1 and $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> You bum-rush the guard to your left. Bucky attacks the middle guard. The guard that was to your right is a terrible shot, and shoots himself in the foot, screaming in pain. [[Continue|YourestilldeadThough]] <<elseif $sword eq 1 and $BuckyTheRat eq 0>> You bum-rush the middle guard. The other two guards' arrows kill you instantly, though you did manage to kill that middle guard. Go you. GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <<elseif $sword eq 0 and $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> Bucky bravely runs towards the guards. All three of the guards' arrows pierce into Bucky, skewering him instantly. And then they obviously kill you. GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <<elseif $sword eq 0 and $BuckyTheRat eq 0>> You are killed instantly. GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]] <</if>>

<<if $BuckyTheRat eq 1>> Bucky does not share your fear for death. All three of the arrows pierce him as he scurries towards the closest guard. Got away safely! But at what cost? <<set $BuckyTheRat to 0>> [[Continue|TowerRoom1]] <<else>> Got away safely! [[Continue|TowerRoom1]] <</if>>

Bucky rips his enemy's throat out. Your moral concerns go out the window as you seek to preserve your life. You slice the man's head off. "Merely a flesh wound!" the man's head calls as it travels over the side of the tower. One guard remains. [[AAAAaaaand...|psyche]]

He kills you both with his master swordsman skills. Better luck next time. GAME OVER. [[Try again?|Welcome]]