"Welcome to your Waymo-Uber self-driving vehicle! Your lease has an estimated two hundred weeks remaining. Would you like to view a short advertisement before departing?"
[[Christ, I guess.]]
[[Not today.|reject]]
"Beginning advetisement! Please wait while we load the experience. Succesful completion will result in a twenty-five-cent credit being applied to your remaining lease balance."
[[Start the ad?]]
"Please wait while your experience buffers."
[[Load. Goddamit.]]
"Please wait while your experience buffers. If you are experiencing service interruptions, please press [[here|reject]] to cancel the loading."
[[Fucking - just - load!|ad]]
"Life. It's all we have. Raise your hand if you agree!"
[[Fine.|fine-ad]]
[[Actually, no.|reject]]
"That's what I thought. Since we agree, let me just ask - why don't you have a life insurance policy? Our records show that should you pass away unexpectedly, your partner, Angelica, will be left alone and in a precarious financial state!"
[[How did you get that picture? Turn this off.|I can't afford it.]]
"We're sorry to hear you've decided to NOT view today's carefully-selected advertorial experience. Please feel free to send us a ping at Support to let us know how we can improve!"
[[no.|whatever]]
"Money troubles? Don't worry! We're happy to offer loans to help finance your peace of mind. Remember: a happy customer is a Homesafe customer!
Would you like to set the Homesafe Insurance offices as your first destination?"
[[Absolutely fucking not.|no]]
"Thank you for participating in this advertising experience. Your account has been credited.
Do you have time for a brief survey to help us better tailor advertising to your needs and interests?"
[[No.|destination]]
"Loading destinations.
Note: your vehicle's charge is below 50 percent. Certain destinations will be unavailable. Would you like to add the closest ChargeStation to your itinerary?"
[[Yeah, I guess.|charge]]
[[No.|no-charge]]
The car sits in the driveway, a friendly focus-tested white plastic tumor.
It has no [[sharp edges]].
You steel yourself and start down towards the car. The driver-side door swings open as
"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that!"
[[NO.]]
"Error syncing reminder with Google Schedule. Please ensure your account credentials are accurate!"
[[Please.]]
"Retrying connection."
[[Just.]]
"Reminder added: Send ping to Support with regards to advertising!"
[[Just let me choose where to go.]]
"Reminder not set. Reminder to check account status added!"
[[just let me do the thing please|destination]]
"ChargeStation added as first destination. There are three restaurants nearby. Would you like to select one to visit?"
[[I'm not hungry.]]
"Error: your itnerary includes a destination that is outside of your vehicle's current range. Would you like to visit the nearest ChargeStation?"
[[Yes. Sure. Whatever.|leaving]]
"Are you sure? Two of your friends have recently visited McGillin's Irish Eatery and written reviews - would you like to learn more?"
[[I really, really need to get going.|leaving]]
"Beginning trip. First destination: Palmora Boulevard ChargeStation. Estimated travel time: sixteen minutes."
[[Just go.]]
"Would you like to enable UberPool? Each passenger picked up will result in a credit being applied to your lease."
[[Definitely not.]]
"UberPool disabled.
Reminder: you are nearing your solo ride limit for the month. If you plan on making more trips alone, please consider purchasing SoloCredits in the in-vehicle store."
[[Fine.|driving-to-charge]]
(set: $distanceArray to (a:
"sixteen",
"fifteen",
"fourteen",
"thirteen",
"twelve",
"eleven",
"ten",
"nine",
",
))
(set: $last to $distanceArray's last)
{
[Minutes remaining on trip: (link-repeat: "[(print: $distanceArray's 1st)]<dist|")[
(if: $last is $distanceArray's 1st)[(replace: ?fullText)[asdf]]
(else:)[
(replace: ?dist)[
(set: $distanceArray to (rotated: -1, ...$distanceArray))
(print: $distanceArray's 1st)
]
]
]]<fullText|
}
"You're on your way! Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the trip."
[[Thank God.]]
"Note: construction detected on Wiltshire Road. Revised travel time estimate: twenty minutes."
[[OK.]]
"Travel time remaining: [[eighteen]] minutes."
"Travel time remaining: [[fifteen]] minutes."
"Travel time remaining: [[eleven]] minutes."
"Travel time remaining: nine minutes.
You are within 100 metres of a sponsored business. Would you like to stop in at Burger King, home of the new Pineapple Whopper?"
[[I'm still not hungry.]]
"Please make your order selections on the touchscreen!"
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "Pineapple")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Pineapple", "Angry", "Jr.", "Happy"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> Whopper®
(link: "☐")[☑] Bacon (set: $myVar to "King")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["King", "Queen", "Ruler"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>®
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "Hamburger")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Hamburger", "Cheeseburger", "Homestyle Cheeseburger", "Extra-Long Cheeseburger", "Double Cheeseburger", "Bacon Double Cheeseburger", "Bacon Double Extra-Long Homestyle Cheeseburger®", "Bacon Double Extra-Long Homestyle Cheeseburger® Jr."]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "Chicken")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Chicken", "Spicy Chicken", "Chicken Jr.", "Spicy Chicken Jr."]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> Burger
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "TENDERGRILL®")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["TENDERGRILL®", "TENDERCRISP®", "DELICIOUSHAM®", "DELICIOUSHAM® Jr."]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> Chicken Sandwich
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "Small")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Small", "Medium", "Large", "King-Size"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> Fries
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "Small")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Small", "Medium", "Large", "King-Size"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> Onion Rings
(link: "☐")[☑] (set: $myVar to "Small")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Small", "Medium", "Large", "King-Size"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> Coca-Cola Beverage
(link: "☐")[☑] Side Salad
[[Submit order]]
"A coupon has been added to your account - recieve 50% off the all-new Pineapple Whopper. Would you like to stop and make use of these savings?"
[[I'M. NOT. HUNGRY.]]
"Thank you for submitting your order. Our kitchen is already working on your delicious meal. Your vehicle will pull up to the pickup window when it's ready!"
[[Great.]]
"Your meal is ready!
You have four friends nearby, including Arnold Jeffries. Would you like to invite them to join you, or would you prefer to eat alone?"
[[Eat... eat alone.]]
"The onboard camera has taken a picture of your meal. Share to Instagram?"
[[Uh...]]
[[God, no.|go-to-charge-station]]
"Image uploaded with "Coriolis" filter! Auto-selected hashtags: #foodfriday, #burgerking, #homeofthepineapplewhopper, #whopper, #eating."
[[Can we just go to the charging station?|go-to-charge-station]]
"Resetting destination to ChargeStation. Estimated travel time: nine minutes."
[[Finally.]]
"You are nearing the ChargeStation. Please remain inside your vehicle - the automated attendants will be happy to assist you!
While you wait, would you like to listen to some music?"
[[Yep.]]
[[Not right now.]]
"Your partner recently shared a new playlist on Spotify. Now playing: Angelica's Hospital Jams."
[[Oh, Jesus. Turn it off.|silence]]
"Please enjoy a word from the ChargeStation's sponsors while you wait."
[[MUTE.|silence]]
"Continuing to [[ChargeStation|Finally.]]. Estimated travel time is now eight minutes."
"Your charge is complete. A full reciept has been emailed to your account. Thank you for choosing ChargeStation!"
[[Can we go now?]]
"Returning to scheduled itenerary. Setting destination to Grossman & Sons Funeral Home.
There are five other funeral homes in the area. Would you like to compare prices?"
[[Shut the fuck up.]]
"Estimated travel time: [[twenty-three]] minutes."
"Travel time remaining: [[nineteen]] minutes."
"Facebook reminder: you have one event today.
Event: Angelica's Funeral.
The current travel time projections indicate that you will be late to this event. Would you like to purchase a FastPass?"
[[Yes. Do it. Just get me there.]]
"FastPass purchased. Revised arrival time: [[five]] minutes."
"You have arrived at your destination: Grossman & Sons [[Funeral Home]]. Thank you for travelling with us today!
While you are attending the event, this vehicle will join the Uber network. Please signal on your device when you are ready to leave, and the vehicle will return to you as soon as possible (within a fifteen-minute window)."
"Enjoy your event, and have a great day!"
[[END|end]]
YOUR SMARTCAR EXPERIENCE
by Eric Stewart (@binarydoubts)
[[YOUR SMARTCAR EXPERIENCE|start]]
a silicon valley story