The Giant Robot Blues

Your browser lacks required capabilities. Please upgrade it or switch to another to continue.

Loading…

''The Giant Robot Blues'' by Alex Higgins <<set $didFly to 0>><<include "AchievementReset">> v1.1 [[START]] [[CREDITS]] [[MORE GAMES->https://sassyechidna.blogspot.com/p/my-games.html]]

An engine growls. Display screens flicker and illuminate the steel cage in which you find yourself seated. Through the windshield, you see a seemingly endless expanse of dust and rock. You are nestled in the cockpit of a prototype mobile robot. Testing exercises for this model continue today. A dark, heavy helmet grips your head, with wires connecting it to the cockpit's ceiling. Through the helmet, you are able to control the mecha with your thoughts. Dials, switches, and control sticks for manual operation of the machine remain in front of you in pristine condition. You don't know how the mind link technology works, or for what purpose these war machines will serve. You aren't even sure what planet you're on. The men in suits insist that you don't //need// to know, and your paycheck confirms this. The roar of the engine has subsided to a constant hum. You are recieving an incoming transmission from a lonely gray control tower on the horizon. [[Open communcations channel]]

"Control tower A2 to test unit 5472C, come in test unit." You grin. "Dennis. Good morning." "Hey, Diane. Is my voice coming through okay?" [["I think so, yeah."]] [["Oh god, we aren't going to have to do three hours of voice calibration again, are we?"]]

"Good. Looks like we won't get stuck troubleshooting the comlink today, so we can go ahead and test the robot's basic mechanical functions, as scheduled." <<include "DoWhat">>

"Of course not, everything sounds clear. Looks like R&D took care of it. We can go ahead and test the robot's basic mechanical functions, as scheduled." <<include "DoWhat">>

[["Basic mechanical what?"]] [["What should I do?"]] [["Cool, okay."]]

You hear a deep sigh through your headset. "Just make the mecha walk around, okay?" You can do that, right? <<include "TestOption">>

"Start by testing the leg motor functionality." You can do that. You think. <<include "TestOption">>

No problem. <<include "TestOption">>

[[Initiate terrestrial motion]] [[Engage flight sequence]] [[Activate secondary weapon systems]]

Your mecha lifts its right leg at the command of your thought. Its foot lingers in the air for a moment before it crashes into the earth with a heavy thud, raising a thick cloud of dust. You raise the left leg and follow suit, maintaining a slow, but steady momentum. The initial lurching of the chassis catches you off guard. You've never gotten used to the repeated rise and fall of the machines' bodies as they lumber across the earth. You've only had to wipe your vomit off the windshield of a mecha once, and you hope it remains that way. Left. Thud. Right. Thud. Left. Thud. You re-open the comlink to Dennis. [['"Am I doing this right?"'->MechFall]] [['"Everything seems to check out. Can we do something else now?"'->MechFall]]

The body of the mecha lowers itself into the ground as its legs tuck underneath it. Then, you hear the sound of the robot's afterburners blazing from the rear. The chassis tilts to the side as it begins to levitate, but soon regains balance. You're picking up speed, and before you know it, you're hurtling into the sky. <<set $didFly to 1>> You hear indistinct yelling through your headset. "I'm sorry, Dennis, what was that?" "DIANE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" [['"I'm just testing the machine's basic functions."'->SkyFall]] [['"Sorry, I couldn't resist. I'll return to the surface."'->SkyFall]] [['"Chill the fuck out, nerd. I know how to fly a mecha."'->SkyFall]]

One of the mecha's side cannons churns into firing position. A micro homing missile clunks into the barrel and is propelled across the alien wasteland. You can almost hear Dennis' jaw drop in disbelief. "DIANE. YOU DIDN'T JUST DO WHAT I THINK YOU DID." [['"Er, what did I just do?"'->MissileHit]] [['"Sorry, was that not a basic mechanical function?"'->MissileHit]] [['"Relax nerd, it's all good."'->MissileHit]]

As your lips move, the mecha steps onto a protruding rock and fails to gain a steady foothold. Its right leg buckles underneath the chassis, and it falls toward the ground. <<include "MechFell">> <<include "DamnIt">>

The volume of Dennis' voice manages to exceed that of the afterburners. "YOU IMBECILE, THAT UNIT ISN'T SCHEDULED FOR FLIGHT TESTING!" "Yes, so...?" "THE FUEL TANKS HAVEN'T BEEN FILLED. THEY'RE NEARLY EMPTY." The afterburners immediately cut out. Your vessel seems to briefly linger in midair before it drops back toward the surface. The machine slams into the earth. <<include "MechFell">> <<include "DamnIt">>

Your body swings forward, and you hear something snap behind you. Thankfully, this model's safety features have already been thoroughly tested, and you remembered to strap yourself in. Your body's forward motion is slowed by your seatbelt, and you rebound back into your chair. You reach behind and grab the back of your neck - it's a little sore, but otherwise, you feel fine. Something in the cockpit sparks and fizzles. The machine groans as it sinks in the ground. Then, silence.

"YOU JUST LAUNCHED A MICRO HOMING MISSILE WITHOUT OBEYING SAFETY PROTOCOL." "Yes...?" "THOSE MISSILES AUTOMATICALLY LOCK ONTO THEIR NEAREST VIABLE TARGET." "Okay, and...?" "THAT'S YOU. YOUR MECHA IS THE ONLY VIABLE TARGET IN THE-" The explosion topples the mecha. The light blinds you. Your ears are ringing. The machine crashes into the ground. <<include "MechFell">> You see a dark smoking crater a few yards from where you were standing. You shudder to think what would have happened had the missile made a direct hit. <<include "DamnIt">>

[[Ugh. Goddamnit, Diane.]]

"Hey, dumbass, are you still alive?" You nod. "Yeah, I think so." "Okay. I just recieved diagnostic data from the mecha. You've got a few problems." "Okay...?" "First off, the rear-central mechanical transfer line got busted. That machine isn't going anywhere anytime soon." "Okay." "Secondly, the adjacent fuel line got punctured and is leaking." [["In English, please?"]] [["Whatever. No big deal, right?"]]

"That fuel line leak is right next to the mecha's fusion battery -" "I still don't follow." Dennis sighs. "That robot's going to explode in about ten minutes." Oh shit. [[Get out of the robot]] <<if $didFly is 1>>[["I thought this robot was out of fuel?"]]<<endif>>

"Normally, no. But that fuel line is located right next to the mecha's fusion battery." "Holy shit." "Yeah. In about ten minutes, that robot's going to explode." [[Get out of the robot]] <<if $didFly is 1>>[["I thought this robot was out of fuel?"]]<<endif>>

You focus your thoughts on opening the mecha's canopy, but nothing happens. You try furrowing your brow, but now you're just embarassing yourself. "Dennis? I can't open the cockpit." "Yep! That brings us to problem number three. The mind link helmet is disconnected." You turn your head, wincing a little bit with the pain. The wires attaching the helmet to the rest of the mecha are very obviously disconnected. Dennis continues. "You're going to have to open the cockpit manually." "How do I do that?" An uncomfortably long pause. "You, uh, you should know how to do it." <<include "Variable Reset">> [[In a rational world, you suppose you would.->Plot Hole Filled]]

<<if $timer > 0>><<include "TimeRemaining">> You are sitting in a giant mobile robot cockpit. Various manual controls are arranged around you. [[Talk to Dennis]] [[Wait]] [[Yell]] [[Push the control stick]] <<if $pedalScold is 0>>[[Press the foot pedal]]<<else>>[[Press the foot pedal->Turn off the headset and keep holding that pedal down]]<<endif>> <<if $boysAreBack is 0>>[[Push the button]] <<else>>[[Push the button again->Oh hell no.]]<<endif>> [[Touch the screen]] [[Flip the switch]] <<if $broken is 0>>[[Push the slider]] <<endif>>[[Tap the keypad]] [[Open the compartment]] [[Remove the screws]] <<if $seatbelt is 1>>[[Undo seatbelt]] <<endif>><<if $haveSolution is 1>>[[ESCAPE]]<<endif>> <<include "Thin Lizzy">><<else>>You have run out of time. Before you can do anything else, the mecha explodes. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]<<endif>>

<<if $timer < 5>> <<set $timer to 5>> <<endif>> The mecha will explode in <<print $timer>> seconds.

There's no use in just sitting around. But there seems to be no use in doing anything else, either. <<set $timer -= 15>> [[True.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

This seems like a good time to yell. You disable your headset's microphone. <<set $timer -= 10>> What will you yell? [['"Shit!"'->Yelling]] [['"God damn it!"'->Yelling]] [["God damn it Diane!"]] [['"Cocksucking cocksucks! You fuckers!"']] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You feel better, but not by much. [[Whatever.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Oh my god, Diane. You klutz. You fool. You foolish klutz. Why do you always do this shit to yourself. <<set $achFruit to 1>> Remember when you were at prom with Jason, and he asked you to hold his red plastic cup of fruit punch, and you thought he wanted you to punch Holden? So you did, and his nose started bleeding, and you didn't notice that Jason //did// pass you his red plastic cup of fruit punch, and you spilled it all over your dress? That dress is still hanging in the closet in your parents' condo. You try not to think about it. You've been in worse situations, Diane. [[True.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Fuck those cocksucks. [[Fuck 'em.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

<<if $volume is 1 and $boysAreBack is 1>>"Hey, Dennis?" "What?" "What should I do?" "What? I can't hear you." "WHAT SHOULD I-" "Yeah, the boys //are// back in town. I know. You've told me. Many times." [[Communications are effectively jammed.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<else>>"Hey, Dennis?" <<set $timer -= 5>> "Yeah, what is it?" [['"What should I do?"'->WhatDo]] [["I don't think I'm going to make it."]] <<if $wireHint is 1>>[["Which colored wire, if cut, explodes the mecha again?"]] <<endif>>[['"Nothing, nevermind."'->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]<<endif>> <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

<<if $timer > 400>> "Whatever. Just poke around, you'll get the machine open." <<elseif $timer > 200 >> "You'll make it if you just shut up and hit the ejection button." <<else>> "...yeah..." <<endif>> <<set $timer -= 5>> <<if $timer > 400>> [['"Okay, I'll keep at it."'->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [['"And how do I do that, exactly?"'->WhatDo]] <<elseif $timer > 200>> [['"Alright, then!"'->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [["I'm trying, Dennis!"]] [["Can't you just ask someone how I get out of here?"]] <<else>> [["Please, please help me, Dennis."]] [["Can you send a message to my parents?"]] [["You're a prick, Dennis. Before I die, I want you to know that."]] [[Return your attention to the mecha's controls->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<endif>> <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Dennis pauses for a moment, presumably, to think. <<set $timer -= 5>> "Have you tried <<print either("pushing the control stick?","tapping the keypad?","pushing the button?","flipping the switch?","pushing the slider?","removing the screws?","touching the screen?","yelling really loudly?","waiting to die?","removing your seatbelt?")>> You should try doing it!" [["I think so, actually."]] [["Not yet, I don't think."]] [["Great advice, Dennis."]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"Yeah, try doing that, it should do the trick." <<set $timer -= 5>> [[Couldn't hurt, you suppose.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"What would you do without me?" <<set $timer -= 5>> [[Good question, Dennis.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"Huh. That should have done it. Well, keep at it, I guess." <<set $timer -= 5>> [[Thanks...->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"For crying out loud, how hard can it be?" <<set $timer -= 5>> [[Well.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"I sent an email to R&D! What else can I do?" <<set $timer -= 5>> [["Can't you call them?"]] [['"Okay, thanks, I guess."'->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"I'm doing all I can, Diane! Jesus!" <<set $timer -= 5>> [["Can't you call someone?"->"Can't you call them?"]] [[Return your attention to your escape->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"...what? No! I'm not doing that!" <<set $timer -= 5 >> [[Return your attention to your escape->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"Hey, at least I'm not about to die from sabotaging my own giant robot, Diane!" <<set $timer -= 5 >> [['"I fucking guess so, Dennis."'->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"The headset in here only connects to mechas - this isn't a cell phone, Diane!" <<set $timer -= 5>> [[Unbelievable.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You hear the rotation of gears but achieve little else. <<set $timer -= 5 >> [[It didn't look like an escape button, anyway.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[Pull the control stick toward you]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You hear a similar sound of rotating gears, although it is now lower in pitch. <<set $timer -= 5 >> [[Yeah, this definitely isn't it.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[Push the control stick to the side]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

<<if $timer > 0>>Okay, sure, you try pushing the stick to the side. Something clicks, and you hear the same sound. This time, it is higher in pitch. <<set $timer -= 5 >> <<if $timer < 5>> <<set $timer to 5>> <<endif>> The mecha's canopy is still shut. You have <<print $timer>> seconds before the mecha explodes, and you die. You will die when the mecha explodes. You will be dead. That might happen in around <<print $timer>> seconds, Diane. [[True. Let's try something else.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[Let's push the stick again, though.->Push the control stick]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">><<else>>You have run out of time. Before you can do anything else, the mecha explodes. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]<<endif>>

The ground around you is illuminated by a blue light as you hear the sound of the afterburners flaring. The mecha tilts forward a little bit. <<set $timer -= 10 >> [[Release the pedal]] [[Keep your foot on the pedal]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

The afterburners shut off, and the mecha tilts back to its original resting position. <<include "In a rational world, you suppose you would.">>

The afterburners continue to blaze. The mecha tilts forward a little further, but isn't going anywhere fast. <<set $timer -= 15 >> Dennis is coming through on the headset. "Are you completely stupid? Did you not listen to anything I've told you?" <<set $pedalScold to 1>> [['"What's this about?"'->Foot still on pedal]] [['"Er, no, honestly."'->Foot still on pedal]] [['"Relax, nerd, I know what I'm doing."'->Foot still on pedal]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"Your fuel line is leaking! Powering the afterburner only increases the diffusion rate of the - " He pauses and sighs again. <<set $timer -= 10 >> "You're going to trigger the explosion if you keep doing that." [['"Oh, shit, got it!"'->Release the pedal]] [['"Thank you, I'll try something else."'->Release the pedal]] [[Turn off the headset and keep holding that pedal down]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You are holding the pedal down. <<set $timer -= 10 >> [[Okay, enough of that.->Release the pedal]] [[Better keep holding that pedal down.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You are holding the pedal down. You start to smell gas. <<set $timer -= 10 >> [[Okay, it's been great, but you really should try something else.->Release the pedal]] [[On second thought, that pedal really needs to be held down.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You insist on holding down the pedal. The smell of gas fills you. You start to feel nauseous. <<set $timer -= 10 >> [[Nauseous enough to want to move your leg, incidentally, off the pedal.->Release the pedal]] [[You really like stomping things.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You don't know what's in the robot's fuel, but as you continue to inhale the gas, you start to suspect it is pretty special stuff. <<set $achWhoa to 1>> The dusty landscape starts to slowly shift in hue - transitioning from the alien orange-brown to a nice yellow. The support beams of the cockpit are gently warping and vibrating. The large button on the side of the control panel blinks and stares at you, loses interest, and turns its gaze to the control screen. A metal panel pops of the floor. A gloved hand extends out of it, then another, and then, the head of a large feline. The bipedal cat-creature jumps out of the hole in the floor, flips backward, and lands opposite of you. "Oh, hey, Diane!" he says, gleefully. [["Oh shit Bubarf whaddup?"]]

"Oh, I'm doing great, thanks for asking! I was just at the Temple of Forms the other day and picked the nicest eggnog seeds!" Bubarf the cat is very excited. He looks meekly at the ground. "I, uh, I brought some for you. I hope you like eggnog seeds." [["What? Bubarf, I love eggnog seeds! How did you know?"]] [["That's, uh, very sweet of you Bubarf."]]

Bubarf the cat frowns and looks at his shoes. "If you don't want them, that's okay, you can tell me..." [["Aw, Bubarf, my man, don't be ridiculous. I would love to have your eggnog seeds."]] [["I just don't have time to farm eggnog anymore, man. Wish I did."]]

Bubarf looks up at you and smiles. "I heard from Plipples that you were the Canadian Eggnog Farmer Champion back in the summer of 19X6, so I suspected that you still had an appreciation for the craft." [["You were with Plipples? How is she?"]] [["Haha, those were the days, man."]]

Bubarf looks into your eyes. "I should have thought of that, Diane. I'm sorry. I'll try to get you a better gift next time I swing around." Sweet Bubarf's earnest whiskered face is the last thing you see before the mecha explodes. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]

The mecha explodes. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]

<<set $timer to 600>><<set $pedalScold to 0>><<set $keysTapped to 0>><<set $RPGName to "Diane">><<set $boysAreBack to 0>><<set $lizCounter to 0>><<set $volume to 0>><<set $broken to 0>><<set $wireHint to 0>><<set $playedGame to 0>><<set $cutRed to 0>><<set $cutYellow to 0>><<set $seatbelt to 1>><<set $channel to 14>><<set $channelProg14 to 0>><<set $channelProg15 to 0>><<set $channelProg155 to 0>><<set $knowWire to 0>><<set $haveSolution to 0>>

Bubarf looks up and smiles. "Oh, thank goodness! I hoped you'd like them, Diane! These are some unusually wrinkly ones, I wonder what that means?" Sweet Bubarf's earnest whiskered face is the last thing you see before the mecha explodes. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]

"I am doing pretty gosh darned swell, thanks for asking!" Plipples says as she sloshes across the kitchen floor. Your eyes widen with delight, "Plipples! Oh, I missed you so much!" Bubarf grins from ear to ear. "It looks like the old gang is back together again, huh?" <<include "Death">>

"Haha, I know, right-" <<include "Death">>

It's a numberpad, 8 inched wide, 8 inches tall, encased in dark plastic. <<if $keysTapped > 2 >> You already entered the correct password. <<endif>> <<include "TheKeypad">>

Which key will you tap? <<set $timer -= 1>> [[7->ButtonTapped]] [[8->ButtonTapped]] [[9->ButtonTapped]] [[4->ButtonTapped]] [[5->ButtonTapped]] [[6->ButtonTapped]] [[1->ButtonTapped]] [[2->ButtonTapped]] [[3->ButtonTapped]] [[0->ButtonTapped]] [[You're finished here.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You press the key. <<set $keysTapped +=1>><<set $timer -= 1>> <<if $keysTapped is 4 >><<include "Unlocked">><<else>><<include "TheKeypad">><<endif>>

A cool, synthetic but feminine voice is speaking through your headset. <<set $timer -= 5>> "Password accepted." [[Okay.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Embedded in the left side of the cockpit is a wide LCD touch screen. You touch it, and it activates, its white light filling the compartment. <<set $timer -= 5 >> <<if $keysTapped < 3 >> On the screen, there is black text in 12 point font. The text reads, "please input password" [[That's that, you guess.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[Keep touching the screen]] <<else>> On the screen, there is black text in 12 point font. The text reads, "password accepted" [[Continue]] [[Shift your attention elsewhere->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<endif>> <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Nothing happens. <<set $timer -= 5 >> [[You hate computers.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

<<if $boysAreBack is 1>>You find a set of headphones attached to the game system. They drown out the noise of Thin Lizzy's hit single, "The Boys are Back in Town." <<endif>>The screen turns dark. A small gray rectangle rendered in the center of the screen fills with white. It fades out, and a title fades in. <<set $timer -= 10 >> "Mid-Atlantic City Adventure II" [[Press Enter to Start]] [[I need to escape this giant robot.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]

The screen fades back to black. A query scrolls across it. A classic 8-bit sound effect plays as the text scrolls. You appreciate the retro influence. <<set $RPGHasMoney to 0>><<set $RPGHasMTA to 0>><<set $RPGHasSpite to 0>> "What is your character's name?" <<set $playedGame to 1>> [[Diane]] [[Treyva]] [[xxDarkDragonPart-ay16]] [[FartingButtKnuckles]]

<<set $RPGName to "Diane">><<include "RPGStart">>

<<set $RPGName to "xxDarkDragonPart-ay16">><<include "RPGStart">>

<<set $RPGName to "FartingButtKnuckles">><<include "RPGStart">>

"Welcome, <<print $RPGName>>." Your character is a young girl wearing a hoodie, some jean shorts, and an old pair of sneakers. <<include "MadisonPark">>

[[Close the game and return to your urgent escape (all unsaved progress will be lost!)->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] CHARACTER INFO: NAME: <<print $RPGName>> LEVEL: 1 CLASS: Kiddo HP: 16/16 INVENTORY: <<if $RPGHasMoney is 1>>Three Dollars <<endif>><<if $RPGHasMTA is 1>>MTA card <<endif>><<if $RPGHasSpite is 1>>Spite, 16 oz <<endif>>

Your avatar walks toward the old woman. She turns to you. She lowers her cigarette toward her side, and a dialogue box rises from the bottom the screen. <<set $timer -=5>> <<if $RPGHasSpite is 0>><<if $RPGHasMoney is 0>>"Hey, baby, I ain't seen you all month. How are you? Now, listen - I need some Spite Soda. Could you go to the gas station on Pennslyvania Avenue and get a bottle for me? Here's three dollars, sweetie."<<set $RPGHasMoney to 1>><<else>>"Hey baby, have you gotten me that bottle of Spite yet? They sell it at the gas station on Pennsylvania Avenue."<<endif>> The dialogue box retreats offscreen. The cigarette returns to the old woman's mouth. <<include "MadisonPark">><<else>>"Aw, thanks baby, I knew you'd come through for me! I've been craving a Spite all day!" You open the inventory interface. [[Give the soda to the woman]] [[Drink the soda]] <<include "RPGStats">><<endif>>

The door is unlocked. You step inside. <<set $timer -=5>> You find yourself in a dark, burnt-out shell. The remains of rotting floorbeams are attached to the walls above you, but not much else. Among the dust and debris is what appears to be a relatively intact kitchen counter. A large tree is growing out of the floor of the apartment and is protruding through what used to be the roof. [[Open counter drawer]] [[Return outside->MadisonPark]] <<include "RPGStats">>

The cemetery is fenced in with black iron bars, twelve feet tall and topped with barbed wire. A lanky suited gentleman leans against the fence. <<set $timer -=5>> [[Talk to the gentleman]] [[Walk back uphill->MadisonPark]] <<include "RPGStats">>

The bus sign leans to the right on a rusting post. A young man wearing a black jacket and gray beanie is leaning against the wall, tapping on his phone. An older woman is sitting on the bench next to him. <<set $timer -=5>> [[Talk to the young man]] [[Talk to the woman]] [[Wait for the bus]] [[Walk downhill->MadisonPark]] <<include "RPGStats">>

<<set $RPGName to "Treyva">><<include "RPGStart">>

You are in West Baltimore. <<set $timer -=5>> You are in front of the door of an otherwise boarded-up rowhouse. An old woman sits on the stoop of the rowhouse next door, smoking a cigarette and paying you no mind. The street behind you leads downhill, toward what appears to be a cemetery. Uphill, there is are a couple of people lingering next to a sign for a bus stop [[Talk to the old woman]] [[Walk downhill]] [[Walk uphill]] [[Enter the rowhouse]] <<include "RPGStats">>

The floorboards groan as you step across them. You approach the remains of the kitchen counter and slide open the top drawer. <<set $timer -=10>> <<if $RPGHasMTA is 0>> In the backmost corner of the drawer is an MTA card. Interesting. If it still has value on it, you should be able to ride the bus with it. <<set $RPGHasMTA to 1>><<else>> The drawer is empty.<<endif>> You politely close the drawer. [[Return outside->MadisonPark]] <<include "RPGStats">>

"Every morning, I wake up, I leave my apartment, and the cemetery greets me. Every night, I get off the bus, I walk to my apartment, and the cemetery bids me good night. It is the only constant." [[Walk back uphill->MadisonPark]] <<include "RPGStats">>

The man starts speaking without looking up from his phone, prompting a dialogue box. "Baltimore's public transit is a drag, man. I wish we had more subway lines. Instead, they redesigned the bus system, which isn't much of an improvement. A bus is a bus is a bus, you know? <<set $knowWire to 1>> "I mean, look at this map. It reminds me of... of a wire box from an action movie." He winks. He tilts his phone, displaying the bus map on the screen. Colored routes radiate from the center of the city, two of which grab your attention. Sections of the yellow line appear to be erased; it is dissected into multiple segments. Overtop the blue line, hazard symbols are repeatedly drawn. <<include "Walk uphill">>

The female non-player character turns to you. "I've lived in this neighborhood my whole life, sweetie. Let me give you some advice! The BaltimoreLink bus system is a somewhat convenient way to quickly travel to any location in the game, regardless of whether you visited it before. It costs money to ride, but you can pay easily with an MTA card." <<set $timer -=5>> She casually returns to her previous forward facing position. <<include "Walk uphill">>

The bus isn't here yet. <<set $timer -=10>> [[Wait->Wait2]] [[Forget it->Walk uphill]] <<include "RPGStats">>

You hear the howling of wind, but not the sound of engines. <<set $timer -=10>><<set $RPGClock to "10:17">><<if $timer >540>><<set $RPGClock to "10:17">><<elseif $timer > 480>><<set $RPGClock to "10:18">><<elseif $timer > 420>><<set $RPGClock to "10:19">><<elseif $timer > 360>><<set $RPGClock to "10:20">><<elseif $timer > 300>><<set $RPGClock to "10:21">><<elseif $timer > 240>><<set $RPGClock to "10:22">><<elseif $timer > 180>><<set $RPGClock to "10:23">><<elseif $timer > 120>><<set $RPGClock to "10:24">><<elseif $timer > 60>><<set $RPGClock to "10:25">><<else>><<set $RPGClock to "10:26">><<endif>> You tap a button to open the game's menu. The in-game clock blinks blue in the top-left corner. <<print $RPGClock>>. The bus should have been here fifteen minutes ago. [[Wait->Wait3]] [[Forget it->Walk uphill]] <<include "RPGStats">>

The bus abruptly spawns on the edge of the level, barrels up the street, and grinds to a stop precisely in front of the sign. The doors swing open. The man and woman you were waiting with remain in their respective positions. The bus driver man turns toward you and holds his pose, expectantly. After a few awkward seconds, you walk toward the bus, prompting two choices on the screen. "Pay $1.70 to ride the bus?" <<if $RPGHasMTA is 1>>[[YES (Use the MTA card)]] [[NO->Walk uphill]] <<elseif $RPGHasMoney is 1>>[[NO (You need to save the cash for the soda)->Walk uphill]] <<else>>[[NO (You don't have any money)->Walk uphill]] <<endif>> <<include "RPGStats">>

You step into the bus. The door squeals shut, and the vehicle takes off. The screen fades to black. <<set $timer -=10>> You are taken to another loading screen. The bar fills, even more slowly than when you first booted up the game. [[Loading level mesh]]

[[Loading instance models]]<<set $timer -=5>>

[[Decompiling rush hour traffic]]<<set $timer -=5>>

The screen fades back in. You walk out of the bus. The game's camera zooms out as the bus drives off. You assess your new surroundings. <<set $timer -=5>> <<include "PennsylvaniaAvenue">>

You are on Pennsylvania Avenue. The buildings are deteriorating, and the sidewalks are crowded - substantial groups of other characters block off key parts of the level, limiting your navigation to this particular block. <<set $timer -=5>> A couple of cops are laughing about something on the other side of the street. They are clad in full body armor. You wonder, are there enemy monsters in this area? What level are they? The gas station B-Mart is at the other end of the block. It is painted a dirty white, adorned with a pair of blue stripes peeling off the side of the wall. [[Enter the B-Mart]] [[Wait for the bus so you can return home]] <<include "RPGStats">>

The bus is late. The subsequent loading sceen does not make you feel much better about local public transit. <<set $timer -=30>> Eventually, the screen fades back in, and you find yourself back where you started. <<include "MadisonPark">>

You open the door to the B-Mart. The screen fades out and back in quickly, and you find yourself inside. <<set $timer -=5>> <<include "B-Mart">>

The child excitedly hops off the ground before dumping dialogue upon you. "My momma says to be careful to avoid combat encounters! A gunshot special attack deals 40 damage if it's a critical hit - no amount of soda's gonna make you feel better after that!" <<set $timer -=5>> <<include "B-Mart">>

The rat looks up from an open pulp novel on her side of the counter - titled //Sexy Space Varmints and Where to Find Them// - and politely greets you. "Hi friend! How may I help ya today?" <<set $timer -=5>> A shopping user interface covers most of the screen. You scroll through the list of items. Cheesy Mana Bites. Magazine of +2 Musical Knowledge. //Sexy Space Varmints and Where to Find Them//. Only one item is of interest to you.<<if $RPGHasMoney is 1>> [[Buy Spite Soda]]<<else>> You don't have the money for it. <<endif>> [[Quit Shopping Interface->B-Mart]] <<include "RPGStats">>

A child is perusing the wares - a single aisle of goods in the middle of the tiny rectangular room. The cash register is behind a window in the back corner of the store. Behind the register, there is a rat. <<set $timer -=5>> [[Talk to the child]] [[Talk to the rat]] [[Exit the store->PennsylvaniaAvenue]] <<include "RPGStats">>

A 16 oz bottle of Spite has been added to your inventory. <<set $RPGHasMoney to 0>><<set $RPGHasSpite to 1>> "Thank you so much for stopping by!" says the rat. "I hope you have a blessed day!" <<include "B-Mart">>

The old woman drops her cigarette and brings the 16 oz bottle of refreshment to her lips. The camera zooms into her face as it tilts back, the logo of Spite rising prominently into view. Congratulations, <<print $RPGName>>. <<set $achBlessed to 1>> Time slows. You feel thirsty. <<include "Death">>

As you bring the bottle to your lips, the game's camera focuses on the woman's face as she transitions through the full breadth of human emotion. Her eyes expand. They close and point downward. They return to meet the gaze of the camera, with stern determination. Shock. Sadness. Anger. <<set $achBlessed to 1>> The camera cuts to a shot of your face as it tilts back, the logo of Spite rising prominently into view. And how spiteful you are, <<print $RPGName>>. Time slows. You feel thirsty. <<include "Death">>

Dennis sighs again. "Ground-to-air combat mechas have two separate fuel reserves - one for flight, and one for all other functions." [[Get out of the robot]]

Under the frontmost control panel is a small plastic door, 14 inches wide, and 5 inches tall. You tug at its handle and drop it open. <<set $timer -= 3 >> Inside, there is a piece of scrap paper, sloppily adorned with pen strokes. [[Examine the paper]] [[Examine something else]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Sloppily scrawled in Sharpie near the top, underlined, in all caps, are the words "TO-DO!" <<set $timer -= 5 >> The following items are listed: -Fix password protection system! Inputting ANY FOUR DIGIT NUMBER unlocks computer! -Increase robot leg stability -Make it possible to turn off music player -Add music to playlist that isn't Thin Lizzy [[Any four digit number, huh?->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You close the compartment and re-examine the cockpit. <<include "In a rational world, you suppose you would.">>

The square red button on the front control panel pushes inward and clicks into a new resting position. You are overcome with sound of song. <<set $boysAreBack to 1>><<set $timer -= 5>> The interior walls of the cockpit tremble and shake with the song's opening guitar chords. Your ears ring with the righteous clashing of cymbals. Your head and heart are filled with Phil Lynott dropping lyrical genius. //Guess who just got back today Them wild-eyed boys that had been away Haven't changed that much to say But man, I still think them cats are crazy// Could it be? It is! The song is Thin Lizzy's hit single, "The Boys are Back in Town." [[Oh hell yeah I love Thin Lizzy.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[Oh hell no.]]

You desperately jab at the red square button. Nothing happens. <<set $timer -= 5>> Panicking, you make three more attempts. The button recedes into the control panel but immediately returns to it's previously locked position. [[You need to get out of this place.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

<<if $boysAreBack is 1>> ---- <<if $lizCounter is 0>>//They were askin' if you were around How you was, where you could be found Told 'em you were livin' downtown Drivin' all the old men crazy//<<elseif $lizCounter is 1>>//The boys are back in town The boys are back in town I said, the boys are back in town The boys are back in town//<<elseif $lizCounter is 2>>//The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town//<<elseif $lizCounter is 3>>//*awesome guitar riff*//<<elseif $lizCounter is 4>>//You know that chick that used to dance a lot Every night she'd be on the floor, shakin' what she got When I say she was cool she was red hot I mean, she was steamin'//<<elseif $lizCounter is 5>>//And that time over at Johnny's place, Well, this chick got up and slapped Johnny's face Man, we just fell about the place If that chick don't want to know, forget her//<<elseif $lizCounter is 6>>//The boys are back in town The boys are back in town I said, the boys are back in town The boys are back in town//<<elseif $lizCounter is 7>>//The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town//<<elseif $lizCounter is 8>>//*awesome guitar riff, followed by a thundering series of eight notes*//<<elseif $lizCounter is 9>>//Spread the word around Guess who's back in town<<elseif $lizCounter is 10>>//Just spread the word around//<<elseif $lizCounter is 11>>//Friday night they'll be dressed to kill Down at Dino's Bar n' Grill The drink will flow and the blood will spill And if the boys want to fight, you better let 'em//<<elseif $lizCounter is 12>>//That jukebox in the corner blastin' out my favorite song The nights are getting warmer, it won't be long Won't be long till the summer comes Now that the boys are here again//<<elseif $lizCounter is 13>>//The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back in town//<<elseif $lizCounter is 14>>//The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Spread the word around The boys are back in town The boys are back in town The boys are back The boys are back//<<elseif $lizCounter is 15>>//*mind-blowing guitar solo*//<<elseif $lizCounter is 16>>//*more of that classic, unforgettable guitar riff*//<<elseif $lizCounter is 17>>//The boys are back in town again Been hangin' down at Dino's The boys are back in town again<<elseif $lizCounter is 18>>//*Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" fades out*//<<elseif $lizCounter is 19>>//*the explosive power of the opening chords of Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" can barely contain itself*//<<elseif $lizCounter is 20>>//Guess who just got back today Them wild-eyed boys that had been away Haven't changed that much to say But man, I still think them cats are crazy//<<endif>><<set $lizCounter to $lizCounter + 1>><<if $lizCounter is 21>><<set $lizCounter to 0>><<endif>> <<endif>>

<<if $volume is 1>>The stereo system is already on full blast. The slider cannot slide any further. <<set $timer -= 3 >> [[As it should be.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[We should turn it down.->Not what you were looking for. Let's reset that...]]<<elseif $boysAreBack is 0>> Your fingers find a small, white plastic slider next to a series of buttons. You push it up the track. Nothing happens. <<set $timer -= 3 >> [[Let's try something else->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]<<else>> Your fingers find a small, white plastic slider next to a series of buttons. You push it up the track. Thin Lizzy's hit single "The Boys are Back in Town" is now playing at full volume. <<set $timer -= 3 >><<set $volume to 1>> [[Now this is true rock and roll.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] [[Not what you were looking for. Let's reset that...]]<<endif>> <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

The plastic slider snaps and falls off the track. You are forced to enjoy "The Boys are Back in Town" as it was intended to be listened to. <<set $timer -= 3 >><<set $broken to 1>> [[Your mission becomes increasingly urgent.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

There is a panel on a large steel box to the left of your chair. Screws securing it are sloppily fastened to its top left and bottom right corners - the other holes are left empty. You move to turn the screws with your fingers, and they easily slide out with little effort. <<set $timer -= 10 >> You carefully put the screws in an adjacent cupholder, remove the panel, and lean it against the side of the box. <<include "The Box">>

Your hands trembling, your brow sweating, you grab the wire cutters, and bring them to the red wires. You breathe in, exhale slowly, and make the cut. <<set $timer -= 10 >><<set $cutRed to 1>> You pause. Nothing happens. <<include "The Box">>

Your hands trembling, your brow sweating, you grab the wire cutters, and bring them to the blue wires. You breathe in, exhale slowly, and make the cut. You pause. <<include "Death">>

Your hands trembling, your brow sweating, you grab the wire cutters, and bring them to the yellow wires. You breathe in, exhale slowly, and make the cut. <<set $timer -= 10 >><<set $cutYellow to 1>> You pause. A cool, electronic, feminine voice speaks through your headset. "Cable television blocker disabled." <<include "The Box">>

You neatly replace the panel and slide the screws back in. <<include "In a rational world, you suppose you would.">>

There are clusters of wires nestled inside the box, colored red, blue, and yellow. <<set $wireHint to 1>> A pair of wire cutters conveniently hang from a nail in the back of the box. <<if $knowWire is 0>>You remember from your 20 minute mecha safety course that cuting one of the wires //will// explode the mecha, but which one? You probably shouldn't proceed unless you know the correct choice.<<elseif $knowWire is 1>>Didn't that video game character say something about a wire box?<<endif>> <<if $cutRed is 0>>[[Cut the red wire]] <<endif>>[[Cut the blue wire]] <<if $cutYellow is 0>>[[Cut the yellow wire]] <<endif>>[[You really shouldn't cut other people's wires.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

"You really don't know? For Christ's sake... have you ever played Mid-Atlantic City Adventure II?" <<set $timer -= 15 >> <<if $playedGame is 1>>"Yeah, actually"<<else>>"Uh, no?"<<endif>> "Well, there's an NPC in the game that tells the player which wire it is. Isn't that weird?" "So you don't know, either?" "Of course not! I'm not a test pilot, Diane. That's you." [[True.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

A high-definition television screen slowly descends from a narrow slot in the ceiling. Once it reaches eye level, it abruptly stops.<<if $cutYellow is 0>>The screen turns on, displaying a simple message. <<set $timer -=15>> "CABLE TELEVISION SERVICES CURRENTLY BLOCKED" [[It's probably for the best.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">><<else>> The screen turns on<<if $boysAreBack is 1>>, and the speakers blasting Thin Lizzy's hit single, "The Boys are Back in Town," turn off. <<set $boysAreBack to 0>><<else>>.<<endif>> <<include "Cable Television">> <<endif>>

You press the release on the buckle around your waist. It clicks open. The straps of the belt recede into your seat. <<set $timer -= 5 >><<set $seatbelt to 0>> [[Great work.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

The high definition flatscreen television retreats back into the ceiling, as slowly as it had descended. <<include "In a rational world, you suppose you would.">>

The television is on, and you are watching it. Channel <<print $channel>>. <<if $channel is 14>><<include "Cooking Show">><<elseif $channel is 15>><<include "Herbert for Here">><<elseif $channel is 15.5>><<include "Robot Show">><<endif>> [[Keep watching->Cable Television]] [[Change the channel]] [[Turn off the television->It's probably for the best.]]

<<if $channel is 14>><<set $channel to 15>><<elseif $channel is 15>><<set $channel to 15.5>><<elseif $channel is 15.5>><<set $channel to 14>><<endif>><<include "Cable Television">>

An advertisement is playing. You've seen it before. "<<print either("Best Noods! They're... the best noods!","Mek Corp - keeping you safe from the unknown, the inexplicable, //and// everyone.","Spite Soda! We don't get why it's named that either!","Mid-Atlantic City Adventure III: we're making a new installment in the franchise every nine months, get used to it.","Carbonated Sugar Water! It got me laid!","JACK JOHNSON HERE AND WE HAVE MOON CONDOS! THAT'S RIGHT! //MOON CONDOS!// THAT'S CONDOS ON THE MOON! WHICH MOON? ALL OF THEM! THAT'S RIGHT! //CONDOS ON EVERY MOON!// GANYMEDE! TITAN! //EVEN THAT NERDY POTATO-SHAPED PIECE OF SHIT FLOATING AROUND MARS!// NAME A MOON! IT'S ALREADY CONDOS! THE MOONS ARE CONDOS!","Tonight at 10 - vlogs! Three centuries later, we're //still// making them!","Water - it's safe to drink again!","Oxygen is now only 300 credits per gallon all week long! Don't choke on this limited opportunity!")>>"<<set $timer -=10>>

Game by Alex Higgins, 2017 Story concept by Trevor, who won the Bloodjak highscore contest at Artscape 2017 in Baltimore, MD. Excellent shooting, and thank you for the fun prompt! Playtesting and proofreading by Lisa "Comma Splicer" Schroeder, Greg Koren, Stephen Thomas, and Tawny Oram Special thanks to Jesse Pyle and Clyde for cable television show and advertisement concepts, and to Greg Koren for noting similarities between bus lines and wires "The Boys are Back in Town" was written by Phil Lynott of Thin Lizzy (Vertigo Records, 1976). [[back->FakeTitle]]

<<if $channelProg14 is 0>> There is a man with a paunch and a chef's hat behind a kitchen counter. To his right, a pot is steaming on a stovetop. To his left, there is... nothing. It's empty. The man speaks. <<set $timer -=15>><<set $channelProg14 to 1>> "So, we're just gonna sit tight, and finish waiting for the water to come to a nice, strong boil." The camera focuses on the pot, lingering on it for a few seconds too long. It returns to the chef's damp face. "So, fun science fact for all you kids in the audience: water boils at two hundred and twelve degrees Fahrenheit. That's one hundred degrees Celsius, for any of my international fans. Isn't that neat?" The camera cuts to the studio audience. They are slouched in their seats, frowning. There are no children in the audience. "I always thought that was neat."<<elseif $channelProg14 is 1>>The chef glances at the pot of water, and his face visibly relaxes. "Oh, thank god. It's boiling this time." <<set $timer -=15>><<set $channelProg14 to 2>> He bends uncomfortably behind the counter, and rises, holding a small orange plastic package. The camera slowly zooms onto it. It was difficult to notice before, but the chef's hands are trembling. In those poor hands is a package of "Best Nood" brand instant ramen noodles. His voice is quivering. "So, I know that the oriental flavor is a favorite among many people. But today, I just want to show everyone how to prepare the flavor that I think is the best. The chicken ramen." He attempts to rip open the packaging. He tugs at the plastic seam three or four times before getting it opened, swearing under his breath, but forgetting that he is wearing a microphone. "Cocksucking shitsack." The camera cuts again to the audience. They remain slouched, slack-jawed, and glassy-eyed.<<elseif $channelProg14 is 2>>The chef holds the block of noodles the palm of his right hand, eyeing it with reverence. "So, now that the packaging is open, and the water is boiling, we now have to insert the noodles into the pot. Of boiling water. "Okay, okay. Here we go -" Before he releases his grip on the Best Noods, a woman's voice cuts across the studio. "HAAAAAROOOOOLD!" The chef, Harold, presumably, rolls his eyes and slams the noodles onto the kitchen counter. "Patricia, this isn't the time..." A short woman in a sharp pantsuit struts across the stage. "Harold! I am fed up to here with all of these goddamn motherfucking ramen preparation episodes! Up to //here//, Harold!" <<set $timer -=15>><<set $channelProg14 to 3>> Harold hunches over and boulders toward Patricia, gesturing vehemently. "For fuck's sake! What part of selling out don't you understand?" The feed cuts out.<<elseif $channelProg14 is 3>><<include "Advertising">><<set $achCondos to 1>><<endif>>

<<if $channelProg15 is 0>>The television screen cuts from an advertisement to a sitcom, but it isn't just any sitcom. A funky bassline plays as the words "Herbert for Here: Episode 3: The Daniel Sandwich" fade onto the screen over a still image of everyone's favorite suburban carry-out restaurant. You sit up attentively - "The Daniel Sandwich" is a beloved classic! <<set $timer -=15>><<set $channelProg15 to 1>> A man, tall and clean-shaven, is standing behind the restaurant counter. The shop bell rings; the shop door closes. A middle-aged woman with dark, curly hair, walks confidently to the counter. "Why, hello there," the man says, "are you getting carry-out today, miss? "Yes, I am," the woman responds chipperly, "I'll have a Daniel sandwich, please." The laugh track plays. "Excuse me, could you repeat that for me?" "A Daniel sandwich. Toasted." The laugh track plays again. "I'm afraid we don't make those, miss-" More laughter, this time belonging to the woman. She abruptly leans into the counter and looks the man dead in the eyes. "You're joking, right? What sandwich shop in North Carolina doesn't make a Dan sandwich?" She rolls her eyes and laughs to herself again. "Of course! You must not be from around here! There's somebody here who must know how to make a Dan sandwich. Can I speak to your manager?" The man sighs, as politely as he can. "First off, ma'am, this isn't North Carolina. We're in New Jersey-" Before he can finish, the door slams open. Walking reverently into the restaurant is a scruffy-looking man wearing a cook's apron over white, silk robes. "Greetings, Herbert! I have become a MAN of GOD!"<<elseif $channelProg15 is 1>>The bearded, robed, and aproned man steps elegantly to the counter. Herbert looks dismayed. "Mitchell. You're an agnostic." Laugh track. <<set $timer -=15>><<set $channelProg15 to 2>> Mitchell's grin widens, "I was until this very morning, Herbert! Let me tell you a story, my dear boy..." "I'm 25, Mitchell." Laugh track. "Let me tell you a story..." The customer opens her mouth to say something, but she is immediately cut off. "So there I was," says Mitchell, "at my kitchen table, a bit glum. I poured myself some cereal into a bowl. I opened the cupboard, grabbed a spoon, and dug it into my bowl. I opened the fridge, and grabbed a carton of milk. It was empty-" "Mitchell, I'm helping a customer-" "-and so I threw it to the ground. I grabbed a second carton, but it was empty too. So I threw it to the ground as well-" "I swear, Mitchell, this isn't the time-" "-and I so I sat down, in front of my bowl of dry cereal, and did what I do best. Herbert, I sat and thought. And I thought to myself, why is it so important that I eat cereal? I could eat something else. I could eat... a Daniel sandwich." "What."<<elseif $channelProg15 is 2>>"A Daniel sandwich, Herbert." <<set $timer -=15>><<set $channelProg15 to 3>> The customer perks up. "Ah, so you know how to make a Dan sandwich?" Mitchell turns to look around the restaurant, looks down, and points to his apron. "I am a cook, am I not?" "Okay, that's great," Herbert interjects, "but what the heck does any of this have to do with the robes?" "I was just getting to that, my dear disciple. So there I was, removing my Dan sandwich from the rice cooker, the condiments and meats dripping from its sides, and you won't believe what I saw." Herbert sighed. "It was your dog, Lulu." "It was my dog, Lulu! A rendition of her perfect face was grilled into the bread." Laugh track. "Of course... wait, what was this about a rice cooker-" "Herbert, I //must// show you this sandwich. Come with me." "Mitchell. I'm working. At least, I'm trying to." "That attitude won't do!" Mitchell grabs Herbert by the wrist. "Come along now, my disciple, and walk in the path of God!" The shop bell rings; the shop door closes. The customer is left in the restaurant, alone. She stomps her foot. "Oh, rats!" Laugh track.<<elseif $channelProg15 is 3>><<include "Advertising">><<set $achCondos to 1>><<endif>>

<<if $channelProg155 is 0>>An engine growls. Display screens flicker and illuminate the steel cage in which a woman finds herself seated. Through the windshield, there is a seemingly endless expanse of dust and rock. <<set $timer -=10>><<set $channelProg155 to 1>> She is nestled in the cockpit of a prototype mobile robot. A dark, heavy helmet grips her head, with wires dangling from its rear. The giant machine has been toppled to the ground, and is leaning backwards. The pilot is trapped. You have to admit - this is unsettling.<<elseif $channelProg155 is 1>>The pilot breathes in. One, two, three. Then, she exhales. She undoes her seatbelt, rises, and cracks her gloved knuckles. She climbs confidently to the front of the cockpit. She pulls her arm back, and it slings forward, her fist breaking through the windshield glass. <<set $timer -=10>><<set $channelProg155 to 2>><<set $haveSolution to 1>> Wait. Wait a second. You can, you can just //do// that?<<elseif $channelProg155 is 2>><<include "Advertising">><<endif>>

<<if $seatbelt is 1>>You stand from your seat and make your escape - or, rather, you try to. You failed to notice that you are still fastened by your seatbelt. <<set $timer -=10>> [[Get it together, Diane. ->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">><<else>>You rise, stretch your back, and crack your bare knuckles before you climb, confidently, to the front of the cockpit. <<set $timer -=10>> You stare through the glass at the barren landscape before you. [[Punch the glass]] [[Use the helmet]] [[Re-examine the cockpit->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">><<endif>>

Here goes nothing. You pull your arm back, and sling it forward. Your fist connects! The windshield glass cracks! Otherwise it remains intact. Either that glass is more resilient than you thought, or you're as weak as you suspected. You scream in pain. <<set $timer -=10>> [[Punch it again]] [[Use the helmet]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

You grab the sides of the mind link helmet with both hands and lift it from your scalp. It feels good to remove the weight. <<set $timer -=15>> You pull your arm back, and sling the helmet towards the glass. It follows through cleanly, creating a hole in the glass, roughly three feet wide. You continue to force the improvised bludgeon onto the remainder of the windowshield, widening the hole until you can fit through. [[Climb out of the mecha]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Your hand hurts like hell. Imminent explosion or not, you aren't going to punch the glass again. Some things, after all, are worth dying for. <<set $timer -=5>> [[Use the helmet]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Your arms emerge from the giant robot and grip the external frame of the cockpit. You pull the rest of your body out, one limb at a time. You toss the helmet behind you - it has served its final purpose. <<set $timer -=10>> Crouched on the top of the mecha, you examine the machine in an attempt to find a safe path to the ground. [[Try to climb straight down the side]] [[Slide down the main cannon]] [[Jump]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

Soon, you find yourself dangling off the side of the mecha. You kick your leg in an attempt to find a foothold - but all you find is a smooth sheet of steel. [[Pull yourself back up and slide down the main cannon->Slide down the main cannon]] [[Let go]] <<include "Thin Lizzy">>

<<if $timer > 0>>You sit your butt on the surface of the mecha's primary weapon, a 14 foot long railgun, and awkwardly shimmy down the barrel. You reach the ground with little incident. If your sense of time can be counted on - and who knows, really - the mecha will be exploding soon. You run. <<if $boysAreBack is 1>>You run until you can no longer hear the sound of Thin Lizzy's hit single, "The Boys are Back in Town."<<endif>> [[Watch the explosion]] [[Don't watch the explosion]]<<else>>You have run out of time. Before you can do anything else, the mecha explodes. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]<<endif>>

It's a far drop, but you decide the best course of action is to jump. <<include "FallToDeath">>

You know what they say, cool guys don't look at explosions, but if there is anything you've learned about yourself after this episode, it is that you are uncool. You almost lost your life for the development of a poorly-made murder machine. You deserve to watch some fireworks. The mecha explodes. The ground shakes, the sound is almost deafening, and you nearly fall on your face. But you'll be damned if it isn't the prettiest ball of fire you've ever seen. [[END->Achievements]]

You know what they say, cool guys don't look at explosions. Nothing you have done or attempted in the past ten minutes could be described as "cool," but you now have a chance to save face. You calmly walk away from the machine, facing forward. Of course, you squander your attempt at stoicism. The ground shakes, and the sound is almost deafening. You are visibly startled. You trip and fall on your face, in fact. You lift yourself onto your hands and knees, looking at the unrecognizable pile of scrap metal melting in a crater. You may not be cool, but, thankfully, nobody needs to be cool to survive. [[END->Achievements]]

Hopefully, the ground is soft enough to cushion your fall. It isn't. Both of your legs break instantly. <<set $achLeg to 1>> "Shit shit shit SHIT fuck ME god damn it!" Those are your last words, Diane. Once you've grown accustomed to the pain, you make an effort to drag your body across the red sand. Hopefully, you can get enough distance from the mecha before it explodes. You don't. Your crippled body is caught in the resulting ball of fire. <<include "Variable Reset">> [[RESTART->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]

It's a far drop, but you decide the best course of action is to let go. <<include "FallToDeath">>

Keeping with the times, this game has achievements. Please do not do these things. You've spent enough time inside today. [X] Uncool -The mecha explodes. You do not. <<if $achFruit is 1>>[X]<<else>>[ ]<<endif>> Fruit Punch -Remember high school. <<if $achWhoa is 1>>[X]<<else>>[ ]<<endif>> Whoa, Man -Meet an anthropomorphic creature. <<if $achBlessed is 1>>[X]<<else>>[ ]<<endif>> Have a Blessed Day -Drink a virtual soda, or watch someone drink a virtual soda. <<if $achCondos is 1>>[X]<<else>>[ ]<<endif>> Moon Condos -Watch commercials on a channel (not including channel 15.5). <<if $achLeg is 1>>[X]<<else>>[ ]<<endif>> Break a Leg -Experience a relatively brutal death. [[RESTART->FakeTitle]] [[CREDITS]] Closing the game or hitting the restart button on the side panel will reset achievements.

<<set $achFruit to 0>><<set $achWhoa to 0>><<set $achBlessed to 0>><<set $achCondos to 0>><<set $achLeg to 0>>

''The Giant Robot Blues'' by Alex Higgins <<set $didFly to 0>> v1.1, 2017 [[START]] [[CREDITS]] [[MORE GAMES->https://sassyechidna.blogspot.com/p/my-games.html]]

Think, Diane. There has to be some way out of this. Someone who can help you... Dennis' control tower is 700 yards away. Maurice won't be back with the shuttle until the end of your shift. Is the research and development team even //on// this planet? You were always afraid of dying alone. [[Actually, you're just afraid of dying.->In a rational world, you suppose you would.]]