Recursion

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[It]<it| keeps happening.](stop:)] (click: ?it)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t remember what the first time was.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t think it matters [ [much]]<frst|.](stop:)]] (click: ?frst)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve") [It is 1922. I meet her the first day of school.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Her name is Mary. She is blonde.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She is the only blonde.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She has a [black eye]<blkeye|.](stop:)] ] (click: ?blkeye) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ I don’t ask about the black eye.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I fall in love and do not know it’s love until sixth grade.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I [[ask her]] to marry me.](stop:)]]

(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[A glass window stands before us. We raise our eyes and see the glass; we note its quality, and observe its defects; we speculate on its composition. Or we look straight through it on the great prospect of land and sea and sky beyond. ](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Rev. B. B. Warfield](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[SOME THOUGHTS ON PREDESTINATION, [[1916->happening]]](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She laughs at me.] (stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I ask again and again,](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[for sixteen years,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[until she tells me [[yes]].](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We exchange crude wire rings behind the schoolhouse. We invite the whole class.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Everybody laughs at us.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t hear them.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I can’t stop staring at the crown of white clover, nestled in her golden curls, like a halo.](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We are happy for sixteen years.](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We marry again,](stop:)] (live: 13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[for [[real this time]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/gm566byz74bgnbb/Young%20Girls%20Giggling%20and%20Laughing-%20Sound%20Effect%20Improved%20With%20Audacity%20%281%29.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She puts white clover in her bouquet.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She dies on the way to our honeymoon, when our teal Cadillac wraps around a [[tree->happening3]].](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t understand at first. I try [denying]<den| it.](stop:)] (click: ?den)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Her mother kills her in 1933.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Her mother kills her in 1933 three times.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I stop denying it,](stop:)](live: 7s) [(t8n:"dissolve")[and begin my [[experimentation]].](stop:)]]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[It]<it| keeps [happening]<hap|.](stop:)] (click: ?it)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t remember what the first time was.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t think it matters [ [much]]<frst|.](stop:)]] (click: ?frst)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve") [It is 1922. I meet her the first day of school.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Her name is Mary. She is blonde.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She is the only blonde.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She has a [black eye]<blkeye|.](stop:)] ] (click: ?blkeye) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ I don’t ask about the black eye.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I fall in love and do not know it’s love until sixth grade.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I [[ask her]] to [[marry me]].](stop:)]] (click: ?hap)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It just keeps [[happening->understand]].](stop:)]]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My father beats me senseless in my youth.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He is a drunk. I count on this to be a constant in my [methods]<four|.](stop:)] (click: ?four)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[When I am four, I stop [eating]<born1|.] (stop:)]] (click: ?born1) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am born again.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My mother dies.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My father drinks too much](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and slams my face into the [bannister]<born2|.](stop:)]] (click: ?born2) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am born again.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My mother dies.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My father drinks too much](stop:)](live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[. I dodge his punches for eight years](stop:)](live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[. I [[run away]] when I am twelve.](stop:)]]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[For two years, I ride the rails back and forth between Nebraska and [Detroit]<maryimpressed|.](stop:)] (click: ?maryimpressed)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Mary is terribly impressed by this.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I do this every life,](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[if only to impress her,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[again and [[again->two years]].](stop:)]] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/xg2jk1vm5rvacn7/ASMR_nigth_train_sound_3_hours_BLACK_SCREEN%5BBigConverter.com%5D.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I do not come home. I never see Mary again.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I go to Vietnam in 1953.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I do not come [[home->experiment2]].](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I stop in Chicago in 1931. I have not yet figured out that two years on the rails is the golden number.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I want to see Mary.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I know she will die in [1933]<mary|.](stop:)] (click: ?mary) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I see Mary, but I see my father too.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He cries.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He says he’s sorry.] (stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He doesn’t want to lose me again.](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My father takes us to Indiana,](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[to get [clean]<marydies|.](stop:)]] (click: ?marydies) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He gets clean.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He stops beating me.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Mary dies in [[1933->eighttwo]].](stop:)]]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[For two years, I ride the rails back and forth between Nebraska and [Detroit]<maryimpressed|.](stop:)] (click: ?maryimpressed)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Mary is terribly impressed by this.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I do this every life,](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[if only to impress her,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[again->ride the rails]] and [[again->two years]].](stop:)]] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/xg2jk1vm5rvacn7/ASMR_nigth_train_sound_3_hours_BLACK_SCREEN%5BBigConverter.com%5D.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I avoid Chicago for two years. I come home.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My father beats me senseless, but he takes me back.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I consider this a [[victory->home]].](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am guessing at the path drawn by the spinning wheel,](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[a course that narrows from an endless map down to a single point with [[every iteration]].](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[When I come home in 1932, I go to the schoolhouse.] (stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I [wait]<wait| for the bell to ring, sitting on a bench outside the brick building.](stop:)] (click: ?wait)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It rings. Mary walks out in a flock of girls, chittering, like birds.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It has been two years.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She is beautiful.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She is still wearing the [[crude wire ring]].](stop:)]]

She puts white clover in her [bouquet]<dies|. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She [dies]<please| on the way to our honeymoon, when our teal Cadillac wraps around a tree.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The cruel entropy of the universe collapses in on itself,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[over and over,](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[like a Ferris Wheel that’s popped a gasket.](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Or water,](stop:)] (live: 13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[lapping at the golden mean of [[repetition]].](stop:)]

Her father leaves when she is twelve. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am in Detroit,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[or [[Omaha->leaves]].](stop:)]

Her father is like my mother. A constant. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The times he stays, she moves to Indiana. I [never meet her]<useless| in 1922.](stop:)] (click: ?useless) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I end these lives quickly.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[They are [[useless->repetition2]] to me.](stop:)]]

Her father leaves when she is twelve. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am in Detroit,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[or [[Omaha->leaves]].](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[I never see it [happen]<happen|.](stop:)]] (click: ?happen) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She tells me when I come home](stop:)](live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[, when we go to the shore of [[Lake Michigan]].](stop:)]]

It gets a little better every time. I inch a little closer to that perfect singularity. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I die sixteen lives this way,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[caught in the inertia,](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[seeing how far it will [[take me->perfect singularity]].](stop:)]

We marry in 1938. Our [[daughter]] is born in 1940. Things are going well.

Our son is born in 1950. Happy, bouncing boy. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Our daughter kills him when they find my liquor, play too rough inside the house.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He slams his face into the bannister.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It is 1969.](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Vietnam lasts six more years.](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I [[don’t.->singularity2]]](stop:)]

We marry in 1938. Our [[daughter]] is [[born]] in 1940. Things are going well.

In 1969, our son expires on the table, (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[gasping for breath as he is born.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Mary walks into Lake Michigan, [[barefoot->singularity3]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/x1hm2r0oigv6ax6/Sound%20Effect%20-%20Hospital.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

We [[marry]] in 1938. Our [[daughter]] is [[born]] in 1940. Things are going well.

They find a tumor on Mary’s heart in 1953. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Of course they do.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I put the Cadillac into a [tree]<boy|.](stop:)] (click: ?boy)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[At least our boy’s not there for [[this one->singularity4]].](stop:)]]

We [[marry]] in 1938. Our [[daughter]] is [[born]] in 1940. Things are [going well]<notlast|. (click: ?notlast) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[This will not last.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I'm right, [[of course->after all]].](stop:)]]

I remember everything, (live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[every finest detail.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I remember how it feels to die.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[This](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[is the cost of happiness.](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am anxious,](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[anticipating the [[next catastrophe]].](stop:)]

I [[try]] to tell her.

She doesn’t [believe]<believe| me. (click: ?believe) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Mary, please. I’m trying to save us.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She says I’m scaring her.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She calls me crazy. She says I need [help]<crazy|.](stop:)] (click: ?crazy) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I think not.] (stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[Nothing->No one]] can help this. ](stop:)]] ]

Well, (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Lake Michigan [[can->believe2]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/071cmgxzhu5bc4k/1%20hour%20sounds%20of%20water%20lapping%20the%20lake%20shore.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

She [[takes]] the children.

I let her go. I never see them [[again]].

Twenty years. Twenty long years. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Phone calls,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[lawyers.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I want my kids back, Mary.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It is 1969.] (stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am crying on the phone.](stop:)] (live: 12s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The universe is [[laughing->takes2]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/t2j51678f4dvr0k/Old%20Phone%20Ringing.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

I let her go. I [[never]] see them [[again]].

I don’t know why I waited that long. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The next time, I don’t.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I wait four days and walk into [[Lake Michigan->crazy2]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/071cmgxzhu5bc4k/1%20hour%20sounds%20of%20water%20lapping%20the%20lake%20shore.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

She [[takes]] the [[children]].

She tries to take them, anyway. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I drink too much and slam my face into the bannister.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I never find out if the ambulance [[arrives->crazy3]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/mz517wct7qnaw2v/SVRS%20Ambulance%20615-2%20Responding%20in%20the%20distance.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

[[She]] [[takes]] the [[children]].

Sometimes there are no children to take. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She takes what she can.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I take the Cadillac and wrap it around a tree.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[God,] (stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[please,](stop:)] (live: 12s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[make it [[stop->try2]].](stop:)]

I [[try]] to [[tell]] her.

She [believes]<shecries| me. (click: ?shecries) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She cries at first.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She cries every time I tell her.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We are such fragile things.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She unsticks her face from my tear-slicked shirt,](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and presses her forehead to mine,](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[nodding](stop:)] (live: 13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[with her eyes wrenched shut. ](stop:)] (live: 15s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We [plan]<plan|.](stop:)] (click: ?plan)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We plan,](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and we [[wait]].](stop:)]]]

The awareness is the worst of it. Now that we know, we are afraid. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We are [[waiting]] in anticipation for a gasket to pop.](stop:)]

The awareness is the worst of it. Now that we know, we are afraid. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We are [[waiting]] in anticipation for a gasket to [[pop]].](stop:)]

It’s 1956 when I start to get sick. They find a tumor on my heart. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It’s okay.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We’ll try again.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She holds my hand.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We walk into Lake Michigan and don’t come out again.](stop:)] (live: 12s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She doesn’t believe me in the [[next one]].](stop:)]

I stop telling her. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve") [I think it’s for the [[best]].](stop:)]

I try to [[run]].

In 1953, I go to Vietnam. I never write. (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Goddamnit.](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I walk into the Mekong Delta.] (stop:)] (live: 12s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It's not Lake Michigan, but it'll have to do.](stop:)] (live: 16s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am thinking about [[my son->best2]].](stop:)]

I [try]<run| to [[run]]. (click: ?run) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[There are [[many ways ->more than]] to run.](stop:)]]

I leave when they find a lump on my heart in 1969. I don’t want her to watch me go. (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I ride the rails to Indiana, where my father went.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He’s drinking,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[still.](stop:)] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I'm drinking too.](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t [[come home->best3]].](stop:)]

I [try]<run| to [[run]]. (click: ?run) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[There are [[many ways ->more than]] to [run]<too|.](stop:)] (click: ?too)[(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I try those [[too]].](stop:)]]]

When she rejects me that first time in 1922, I don’t try again. (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Sometimes, she dies in 1933.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Sometimes,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[dying takes her [[sixteen years->16 years]].](stop:)]

We stay friends. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She invites me to her wedding.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I recognize the man.](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I remember 1922, when I proposed.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He was [[laughing->laughed]]. ](stop:)]

Later, when I slam his face into the bannister, it’s me who’s laughing. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I only do that once.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[But the twenty-one year wait is [[worth it->16 years 2]].](stop:)]

There are the lifetimes where he beats her, like her mother did. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We stay close in those,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[walk out to Lake Michigan,](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[remember when we,](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[barefoot,](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[used to name the waves.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am so tired.](stop:)] (live: 18s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am so fucking [[tired->slip]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/071cmgxzhu5bc4k/1%20hour%20sounds%20of%20water%20lapping%20the%20lake%20shore.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

There is not a single perfect life. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Not one. ](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Not [[ever]].](stop:)]

We are in sixteen years old in 1933. The World’s Fair is in Chicago. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Her mother will not let her go,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[but I throw pebbles at her window](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and sneak her out the back door.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t ask about her black eye.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She doesn’t ask about mine. ](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We hop the barrier.](stop:)] (live: 12s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Nobody catches us.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I feed her popcorn from my palm](stop:)] (live: 16s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and when we kiss,](stop:)] (live: 18s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I taste the butter on her teeth.](stop:)] (live: 20s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We ride the Ferris Wheel,](stop:)] (live: 22s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[soaring high over Lake Michigan.](stop:)] (live: 24s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[A gasket breaks.](stop:)] (live: 26s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The whole thing comes tumbling down](stop:)] (live: 28s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and for a moment,](stop:)] (live: 30s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[we are together,](stop:)] (live: 33s)[(transition:"dissolve")[weightless.](stop:)] (live: 37s)[(transition:"dissolve")[It was the most pointless life,] (stop:)] (live: 39s)[(transition:"dissolve")[and the [[most beautiful]] of all.](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(transition:"dissolve")[It gets harder the further I get.](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I am waiting for [[my time]] to come.](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t want to do this anymore.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Please.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Don’t make me do this [[again->outro]].](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The tumor,](stop:)] (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[the bannister,](stop:)] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[the teal Cadillac.](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I hold her hand a little longer [[every time]].](stop:)]

(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(css: "font-size:300%")[Recursion.](stop:)]] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[: the determination of a succession of elements by operation on one or more preceding elements according to a rule or formula involving a finite number of steps](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(css: "font-size:75%")[A hypertext by Adrian Belmes.](stop:)]] (live: 9s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Please ensure that sound is enabled.](stop:)] (live: 12s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Optimized for widescreen viewing.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[Proceed?->introduction]]](stop:)]

(live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[A glass window stands before us. We raise our eyes and see the glass; we note its quality, and observe its defects; we speculate on its composition. Or we look straight through it on the great prospect of land and sea and sky beyond. ](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Rev. B. B. Warfield](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[SOME THOUGHTS ON PREDESTINATION, [[1916->happening]]](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(css: "font-size:75%")[ [[Credits]].] ](stop:)]

(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Text and programming by Adrian Belmes.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Music is "Dream 3 (in the midst of my life)", from SLEEP by Max Richter.](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Produced for the San Diego State University 2018 Electronic Literature Competition.](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[Thank you->Titles]].](stop:)]

It is 1969. Our boy has come so far. We count the days. We pray the letter doesn’t come. (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It does.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We both know he won't last the year in [Vietnam]<itdoes|.](stop:)] (click: ?itdoes) [(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[She does not cry. She looks me in the eyes and says she’ll see me in the next one.](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It’s her in the Cadillac this [[time->wait2]].](stop:)]]

We lay in the cool sand until dawn, (live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[hands clasped firmly together,](stop:)] (live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[naming each wave a bruise,](stop:)] (live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[washed away,](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[again](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[and again.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My father drinks too much that night and dies,](stop:)] (live: 15s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ slamming his face into the [[bannister]].](stop:)] <audio src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/071cmgxzhu5bc4k/1%20hour%20sounds%20of%20water%20lapping%20the%20lake%20shore.mp3?dl=1" autoplay>

(live: 1s)[(transition:"dissolve")[I never try to live that one [[again->harder]].](stop:)]