"Are games art?" you begin, your manifesto flying out of your fingers at mach Q speeds. Your fingers drumming hard along your keyboard, each click like a thunder.\n\nYou compare Dark Souls to the Mona Lisa, drawing direct comparisons between Descent & Freespace to Citizen Kane. Thousands upon thousands of words pour from your soul as you muse upon Chrono Trigger until you finally come to the conclusion that games are not simply art. Games are transcendent of art.\n\nYou stare back at your masterpiece. 30,000 words. Truly a breathtaking sight to behold. Now all you can do is sit back and wait to see what the community has to [[say on the matter|success]].
You throw an apple jelly bean to Blobert, turning him into a jack. He changes into a jack, dumping vitamins on the evil king.\n\n"...And the evil king is deafeated with his own hidden supply of vitamins and all of Blobolonia salutes their savior"\n\nGAME OVER\n\nClick [[here|interlude2]] to continue.
You call up your boss and apologize for going missing for 2 weeks but you were held hostage in Bolivia. What do you mean you haven't heard anything about that? It's been in all the papers! Damn lamestream media! Anyway, he falls for your awful story, partly because he trusts you implicitly and partly because his wife just left him and he's too depressed to give a shit. \n\nYour boss forgives you and tells you to show up on Monday.\n\n[[The end|Start]]
You show up at your girlfriend or boyfriend's house with flowers and candy. Although upset at you at first, your girlfriend or boyfriend is understanding enough to forgive you. After all, you have been together a long time and everybody makes mistakes.\n\nAnd just to make it up to him/her you make a romantic candlelight dinner for 2 that evening!\n\n[[The end.|Start]]
Somehow through a magickal triumverate of Google search tags you land at The Escapist Dot Com where you quickly find yourself at home. Jim Sterling! Zero Punctuation! It's all too beautiful! But if only there were some place to interact with other like-minded individuals such as yourself!\n\nBut wait! What's this???\n\n[[Continue|forums2]]
With cracking knees you walk over to your computer and sit down. You open up your web browser and surf around the internet aimlessly for a while looking for something you can't identify.\n\nYou go to Google and type in a few random search tags. "Video games", "humor", "criticism", "forum". Maybe all of them matter. Maybe none of them do. You just know you want to engage your mind on a higher level after playing Bubsy 3D.\n\nOr maybe you don't want to engage. Maybe you want to...\n\n[[escape?|escape]]
You are now playing Dungeon Keeper for Windows PC.\n\nClick here to [[beat|win8]] Dungeon Keeper for Windows PC.
Congratulations! You have beat Dungeon Keeper for Windows PC!\n\nJust then, you hear a knocking at your door upstairs. You can faintly hear someone calling your name. It is your boyfriend or girlfriend.\n\nDo you:\n\nA: [[Answer the door?|answer]]\n\nB: [[Neglect your significant other and KEEP GAMING!!!|neglect]]
Yeah! Games! Why not? You got time!\n\nWhat's this? A Sega CD? Well, most of these games are shit, so you'd better finish a bunch of them all at once.\n\nClick [[HERE|win7]] to finish Corpse Killer, Sewer Shark, Time Gal, Sonic CD, Popful Mail, Heart of The Alien, Night Trap, Silpheed & Snatcher.
Congratultions! You beat the game!\n\nThis is the ending screen.\n\nNow go do something productive with your life.
After what seems like an eternity, you have defeated Dark Link preventing the return of Ganon. More importantly, you have saved the princess!\n\nCongratulations! You have beat Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nPlease click [[HERE|GB]] to continue.
Conglaturation !!!\n\nYou have completed a grate game.\nAnd prooved the justice of our culture.\nNow go and rest our heroes !\n\nPlease click [[HERE|interlude1]] to continue.
First thing in the morning, you call your boss and tell him you've been sick in the hospital for a week. Of course this is a lie and lying is bad but what with this economy you can't risk losing your job! Your boss tells you that it's okay and to bring in a doctor's note on Monday.\n\n*Phewf!* Close call!\n\nSpeaking of, there's one more person you need to [[call|gf]].
Congratulations! You have beat Super Mario Brothers for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nYou jump over Bowser and land on the axe, dropping the slimy beast into the lake of fire. After many tiring hours, you have finally saved the princess.\n\nThank you for playing Super Mario Brothers for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Please click [[here|Zelda2]] to continue.
You are now playing Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nPlease click [[HERE|win2]] to beat Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Congratulations! You have beaten Corpse Killer, Sewer Shark, Time Gal, Sonic CD, Popful Mail, Heart of The Alien, Night Trap, Silpheed & Snatcher.\n\nUnfortunately, in doing so, you have missed your date. But that's ok! Your significant other will forgive you!\n\nClick [[here|dungeon]] to continue.
Congratulations! You have beat Castlevania II: Simon's Quest for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nYou have played through the game multiple times and have received all three endings!\n\nClick [[here|silver]] to continue.
Congratulations! The device piece has been surrendered!\n\nGalactus: "Your quest is at an end, Surfer. The forces of Magik have been defeated. Now, the device is MINE!!"\n\nSilver Surfer: "NO! the device is too dangerous. I will take it to a safe place. NEVER, shall it fall into the wrong hands."\n\nThe End\n\nCoding\nKevin Edwards\n\nLevel Data\nKevin Edwards\nPaul Murray\n\nArtwork\nNeal Sutton\nCraig Houston\nAnthony Anderson\n\nMusic\nTim Follin\nGeoff Follin\n\nPassword KCHDR4\n\nGAME OVER\nPLAYER 1\n\nClick [[HERE|blob]] to continue.
You are now playing A Boy & His Blob: Trouble On Blobolonia for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nClick [[here|win6]] to beat A Boy & His Blob: Trouble On Blobolonia for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
You go upstairs and answer the door. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is standing there, holding a bunch of flowers and crying.\n\n"Is everything okay?" he or she asks, meekly.\n\n"Yeah everything's fine." you respond.\n\n"Oh. Well, I just wondered since you didn't show up for our date."\n\n"What do you mean? It's only 4."\n\nYou check your phone. 11:37.\n\nShit.\n\n"I am so sorry." you say, attempting to put your arms around your boyfriend or girlfriend but they back away.\n\n"I gotta go." he or she says, leaving the flowers on your doorstep.\n\n"Wait!" you call after him or her.\n\nHe or she turns around.\n\n"What do you want?"\n\n"I'm sorry! I am so sorry! Please! I didn't mean to ignore you! I just have been really busy at work and..."\n\n"Your boss said you haven't shown up for 2 weeks."\n\n"I..." you pause. 2 weeks? That can't be right.\n\n"Listen, I want to make it up to you. Please, come in. I'll make you dinner."\n\nYou put your hands on his or her shoulders.\n\n"Please. I need you."\n\nHe or she looks you in the eye and feels your sincerity. But you can tell just how close you came to ruining your relationship this time. You swear off video games from here on out.\n\n"I love you."\n\n"I love you too." you say.\n\n[[End.|Start]]
You are now playing Castlevania II: Simon's Quest for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nPlease click [[here|win4]] to beat Castlevania II: Simon's Quest for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
You turn off your console and lie down, getting some much needed rest. When you wake up, you call your girlfriend or boyfriend to make sure your date is still on for tonight. You react with horror when he or she tells you she or he hasn't heard from you in over 2 weeks.\n\n"I thought you were dead! We were planning your funeral!"\n\nYou apologize profusely and thankfully your significant other is understanding enough to forgive you. Can the same be said for your boss???\n\n[[Continue|fix2]]
You get up. Your legs, sore from being immobile for such a long time seem to fail you. You hobble into the kitchen and walk over to the refrigerator. You put your hand on the door and are about to pull it open when you spot an unopened bag of Cheetos on the table.\n\nDo you:\n\nA: [[Ignore the Cheetos and eat something healthy instead?|ignore]]]\n\nB: [[Eat the Cheetos because fuck it you're already a disgusting mess?|cheeto]]
You notice it is getting late. You have been playing video games for the entire weekend. Maybe you should give it a rest.\n\nTo turn off your console click [[HERE|off]].\n\nTo keep playing games click [[HERE|play]]
You look outside. The sun shines in your eyes, blinding you. You check your watch. Noon. Your joints ache as you stand in front of the window. But it IS only noon and you have a few hours to kill until your date tonight. So what do ya say, sport?\n\n[[Turn off my console? Hell no!|segacd]]\n\n[[Well I have been playing games all night...|off2]]\n
You sit forward and turn your console off. You get up and go to the bathroom. You look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes now jaundiced and sallow sink into your skull, a depressing shell of your former self. You put your hands on your stomach and give it a shake. You've put on at least 30 pounds as you sat in front of your TV doing nothing.\n\nYou look at yourself and wonder who is this person staring at you. You don't even recognize yourself. You touch a hand to your face but your skin is numb and you feel nothing.\n\n"Who am I?" you wonder. You don't even know anymore.\n\nYou splash some water on your face. You want to wake up but you don't know how. You look outside of the bathroom window and can see only darkness. Is it morning or evening? You don't even know.\n\nBut it's okay. You'll figure things out after you wake up.\n\nYou go into your room and pass out.\n\n[[End|Start]]\t
You turn on your Sony Playstation and insert Bubsy 3D.\n\nPlease click [[here|win10]] to beat Bubsy 3D.
Congratulations! You beat Titus Software's Superman: The New Adventures for the Nintendo 64.\n\nYou sit back in your chair and crack your knuckles. Your joints are sore and stiff. Your phone is dead and you are no longer able to tell what time it is. You feel a gnawing in your stomach. Time to get a snack.\n\nClick [[here|food]] to continue.
You are now playing Activision's Ghostbusters for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nPlease click [[HERE|win3]] to beat Activision's Ghostbusters for the Nintendo Entertainment System..
A minute goes by and you hit refresh. You notice your post is missing from the forums. What the????\n\nYou notice that you have a message in your inbox. You open it up.\n\n"Nobody gives a shit you fucking piece of trash. You are hereby permanently banned from the Escapist's forums. Do not attempt to re-register. Your IP address has been added to our blacklist."\n\nNobody gives a shit? What the???\n\nYou fire off email after email to the site management demanding justice but as the days roll by it becomes clear that nobody cares.\n\nYou slump back in your chair. Defeated, you begin to cry.\n\nNo job.\n\nNo one to hold you at night.\n\nNot even the forums will have you.\n\nYou bite your lip and look over at sleeping pills next to your keyboard.\n\nTrembling you grip it and down the entire bottle, chasing it with a mouthful of Mountain Dew.\n\nGood night, sweet Prince. Dream of a better tomorrow.\n\nYou close your eyes and drift off.\n\n[[End|Start]]
You are now playing Silver Surfer for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nPlease click here to [[beat|win5]] Silver Surfer for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
It's 3 a.m. Sunday mornining. You stand up and stretch. You certainly HAVE been playing video games for a while. You check your phone. It reads February 9th. You have actually been playing games an entire week longer than you thought you originally had been. You missed an entire week of work without calling in and your girlfriend or boyfriend is very upset at you! Well at least you have time to [[fix|fix]] things now!
When you get up the next day, you open up your thread to find that the entire gaming community (not just the Escapist) has found your essay to be a flawless masterpiece of intellectual mastery. It is passed around from forums to the halls of academia. It is considered to be the final word in gaming. Even the ghost of Roger Ebert is forced to accept your conclusion as his corpse rolls over in its grave.\n\nYou sit back and enjoy the spoils of victory as your peers regard you as not just a gamer but the greatest gamer of all time. Not even the eviction notice your landlord has slid under your door can bring you down today!\n\n[[Next|end]]
Welcome to YOU BEAT THE GAME! YOU BEAT THE GAME! is a simulation of gamers and gamer culture through the medium of gaming.\n\nClick [[HERE|SMB1]] to continue
You click the new post button and begin hammering away at your keyboard.\n\n"Anita Sarkeesian is not actually a gamer and, contrary to her claims, had no interest in video games until she decided to make videos about them. "\n\nYou hit submit and wait for a [[reply.|reply]]
You are now playing Super Mario Brothers for the Nintendo Entertainment System.\n\nClick [[HERE|win1]] to beat Super Mario Brothers for the Nintendo Entertainment System.
You open the refrigerator and pull out the ingredients for a salad. You quickly prepare it and then take a bite. You are filled with disgust as the most foul taste fills your mouth. You rush over to the tap and run water over your tongue which only makes things worse. You open the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of Moutain Dew: Code Red and swish it around in your mouth. You spit out the foul liquid and begin vomiting in the kitchen sink.\n\nOnce you finish throwing up, you notice that you are still hungry so you open the bag of Cheetos and shove a handful in your mouth. They melt on your tongue and warm in your stomach.\n\nFeeling much better, you go back in the living room to [[continue gaming.|game]]
Congratulations! You have beat Bubsy 3D for the Sony Playstation!\n\nYou heave a heavy sigh at the game's end. Your sense of fulfillment vanishes, replaced instead with a gnawing void and the realization that all the time you have spent beating these shitty games was probably a waste.\n\nHowever, you can choose to use your knowledge and experience for good.\n\nYou can:\n\nA: [[Get your shit together and stop playing fucking video games.|stop]]\n\nB: [[Post on the Escapist forums.|forums]]
Aaron J. Marko
With a fury you tear open the bag of Cheetos and shove a handful in your mouth. They melt on your tongue and fill your stomach with warmth. You wipe your hand, now stained orange, on the shirt your significant other gave you for your birthday, leaving a long smear of Cheeto dust across the stomach.\n\nYou eat another handful and then go back to the living room to [[continue gaming|game]]
Without a moment's hesitation, you register for the Escapist Forums. Very soon you are having the time of your life reading all the top quality content. But soon enough you want to make some of your own!\n\nBut what should you talk about first?\n\nA: [[Strike at the heart of the social justice warriors!|sjw]]\n\nB: [[Are games art?|art]]
TIME FOR MORE VIDEO GAMES!\n\nYou are now playing Titus Software's Superman: The New Adventures for the Nintendo 64.\n\nClick [[here|win9]] to beat Titus Software's Superman: The New Adventures for the Nintendo 64.