Just Another Day at the Office

The [[alarm]] went off at 5:45am that Monday morning, fifteen minutes earlier than usual.

You got out of bed like you always did, showered and dressed like you always did, and ate the same breakfast that you always did, before you set off for the same job you've done day in and day out since leaving school. Now, this is the part where I say that //everything changed one day//. //''WRONG''//. [[It didn't->spoilers]]. [[This is the story of a day like any other->normal]]. It just so happens that [[your subordinates are out of their frigging minds->crazy]].

//''Normal''//. [[Riiiiiiiiiiggghhhhtt->crazy]].

Oops. Spoilers. But then, that's not the [[entire story->crazy]], of course. Nope, you were given a job at one of the largest multimedia conglomerates, [[ElectriUbiNinSoft Monsoon->eunsoft]] LLC.

You were a bit of a floater in the company, often going from one department to the next based on whatever the current project was. On this particular day you had three different projects you could oversee, each of which required you to answer to one of the weirdest pains-in-the-ass you've ever had to deal with: [[Marketing]] [[Quality Assurance->QA]] [[Public Relations->PR]]

The project was a marketing plan for an upcoming children's game involving non-litigious pastel-colored equine characters. Because children's TV these days is garbage.... Now, be that as it may, the thing's ridiculously easy to set up in terms of marketing plans. And yet somehow having [[Vark]] as a project lead made everything into rocket science.

Gaseous Aardvark, or Vark as you liked to call him, was probably the most obnoxious [[military man->military]] you have ever met. Standing at six-two, with a grizzled, hardened war-vet face and build that was always encased in some kind of neoprene suit. This was a member of one of the biggest corporations in the entire frigging world who spent the majority of his time running around in fancy spandex and sneaking around in cardboard boxes. How this man wasn't thrown out on his very first day, you had no clue, and it didn't matter now: you were stuck with him until this whole project was done. [[Next]].

He wouldn't tell you his real name (and you KNEW it //had// to be a codename, otherwise his parents were the worst for choosing to name their child Gaseous...), but he was more than happy to elaborate on his missions in Serbia, Ireland, South America, and the Balkans, in which he dined upon quite the cornucopia of exotic insects, frogs, snakes, and other lizard/insect-type things. And he did so in //EXTREMELY.// //GRAPHIC.// //DETAIL.// Often instead of working, on top of that. quite the effective worker, eh? [[Back->Vark]]

Formed in 2016, ElectriUbiNinSoftami Monsoon LLC. was the product of a merger between, as the name implies, Electronic Arts, Ubisoft, Nintendo, Microsoft, Konami, and Activision Blizzard. These were the titans of the video game industry, brought together under one roof. Sadly, after forming like Voltron, they lacked the attitudes and identities they once had, so they more or less drove away from games as their primary business model. But hey, at least you got a job in the gaming department, right? And besides, you were in the midst of putting together a big-time marketing [[project->Marketing]], a crew of [[quality assurance->QA]] tech support helpers, and an effective [[PR ethics policy->PR]].

You walked into the office and ran into Vark on the escalator, looking just as ridiculous as usual and clutching a large cardboard box under his arm. "Boss?" he says. [[Good morning]] [[Now, Vark, we talked about this]] [[Get your ass back to Marketing]]

The QA lead was a brute of a man whose name you weren't quite confident that you could pronounce. He carried around a greatsword and grunted a lot, and occasionally broke things and roared. You more or less let him be, though you really get tired of his incessant destruction (which you're usually to blame for; talk about fair). Of course, it's just as bad as [[Marketing]], though then again at least [[Vark]] speaks a language I can understand. Neither of them are as good as [[PR]]'s Carpenter, however.

Walking to the PR office, you are greeted by Carpenter, a project lead who, funnily enough, didn't even have a first name in his file. He's a Space Marine-type guy, except unlike Vark and Mr. Sword Brute, he actually has a personality. Unlike the [[rest->QA]] of [[them->Marketing]], Carpenter seems to actually be in possession of a properly screwed-on head. You approach each other to speak. [[Left Trigger: Shake hand->shake]] [[Right Trigger: Punch in face->face]]

You're at your wits' end. "What the *HELL* do you think you're doing, Vark?! You're in MARKETING. Y'know what that entails? MARKETING SHIT! Corporate espionage is someone ELSE's department, not ours. We're in the middle of an important project and everything! What in the flying fu--" [[WHAM]]!

"Vark, you remember we talked about this?" "Yeah, I know, I know, I can't go around sneaking in cardboard boxes in the office." "And why's that?" "Because an office isn't a terrorist cell's HQ." "That's right. Now, why don't you go and take that sneaky, analytical little brain of yours and MARKET A GODDAMN VIDEO GAME!" you say as you storm off. You received a message on your phone about an [[all-hands meeting->meeting]] that you're heading to now.

"How goes the corporate self-sabotage today, Vark?" "Just fine,

"Good morning Carpenter," you say, smiling brightly. "How's the policy update coming along?" "Going well, sir. We should have a new draft for your approval a little later on today." "[[Fantastic, Carpenter. Good work."->praise]] [["Thanks."->simple_thanks]]

WHAM! You clock Carpenter in the face for absolutely no good reason! He doesn't look happy. Which is to be expected when you punch someone in the face unexpectedly like that.

Thumbs up to Future Space Guy Carpenter. He's like Vark, except not as gung-ho or creepy. Still,

Vark got ya cold, right between the eyes. And you missed the all-hands meeting. Nice work... The End

Double-click this passage to edit it.

"Awesome," you say, "carry on." You can't help but feel the slightest bit of irritation at how much of a goody-two shoes Carpenter can seem at times.... You decide it's time to head toward the conference room for the big [[meeting]].

"Thank you," you say absent-mindedly. You've got an important [[meeting]] to be at, so you don't have the time to be cordial.

Sitting in the large conference room, you see a crowd forming that consists of several other [[characters]] similar to the three stooges you've been forced to endure.

Just then, the CEO makes a surprise appearance at the podium. "I'm here to personally thank each and every one of you for your contributions over the last few years." [[Uh-oh->layoff]]

"Nevertheless, we're shutting down the entire Gaming division, and especially the Job Security policy for you game characters. The following characters are officially laid off as their sequels and franchises have been cancelled: Gaseous Aardvark Commander Carpenter That Guy With The Sword From QA Put simply: pack up your crap and get your pixellated asses out of this place!" [[You can't believe it.]]

It's like a dream come true! They're gone, they're really gone! Yippee! You no longer have to put up with working alongside fictional-frigging-characters in a business environment! YES! [[However]]...

//Three Weeks Later// You arrive on-time for work, a far happier man than three weeks ago, with a definite spring in your step. You sit down in your office and begin the wrap-ups for your various projects. Suddenly, you hear a [[knock]] on the door.

A head peeks inside the office. //Oh no.// It's Vark! "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" you demand. "Uh, sir, who are you talking about? My friends and I were just hired today..." Looking at his friends, they look similar to Carpenter and Sword Guy. [[Cue one extremely long and nigh incoherent curse word. *The End*