You round the corner and oh god there it is. The most beautiful sight you've ever seen in your life: the weird doorless entrance to the bathroom that just makes the hallway smell gross and sometimes lets you see people washing their hands inside if you're standing at the right angle. Conveniently, you are standing at that angle and oh no you can see Jimmy Collins standing at the weird trough-ish sink thing. Your butt does another keep-the-poop-in clench thing, and you can practically see your hopes and dreams shattering in front of you.\n\nThere he is. Jimmy Collins, aka Motormouth aka that-one-kid-in-class-who-always-gets-you-in-trouble-for-talking-even-though-he-was-the-one-talking-to-you-you-just-told-him-to-shut-up. \n\nAbout three things you are absolutely positive: First, Jimmy Collins /will/ talk to you. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be–that thirsted for your pain. And third, this is the only bathroom in the school for literal miles (this is not an exaggeration).\n\nDo you [[try to run past him|May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor]] or [[resolve yourself to this grisly fate|Bad End]]
Man, fuck Jimmy Collins you don't have time for this bullshit. You brace yourself for the inevitable whining and walk briskly towards the bathroom. Jimmy looks up automatically, and for a split second you can see his eyes light up, but you stare at him (unknowingly with an awkward glare/grimmace of determination) and walk right past him. He grabs your shoulder and tries to ask you whats wrong but you shake it off and make a dash for the stall. \n\nEverything ends up perfect. You make it to the stall and relieve yourself with dignity: sitting hunched over on dirty, cold porcelain while moaning in pain as your bowels empty. You find out later on that stupid fucking Jimmy Collins recoiled in horror from the stench you generate,and after that he never wants to talk to you again. It turns out that he puked right outside the bathroom at the beginning of the passing period and everyone sees it. You almost feel sorry for the kid, but everyone hails you as the Motormouth Slayer; Jimmy is so traumatized from the experience that he never talks again. It seems like a douchey thing to find pleasure in someones extreme mental discomfort, but its totally ok because he ends up getting a job as a politician and makes thousands in a monumentous philibuster that lasts for 26 hours straight. You're glad you were able to make the right decisions in your own monumentous poop, and life is wonderful. [[The end.|I'm So Sorry]]
You choose to clench your butt as tight as it possibly can and walk into the bathroom with whatever dignity you can feign. Jimmy Collins notices you right away, and you wince as his eyes light up and his lips pucker. You know this conversation is going to last for four scores and seven years. \n\nSurely enough, Mr. Motormouth gets right to it. "Hey dude how's it going how have you been I haven't seen you in forever (read: since yesterday in 4th period) hows your mom (he always asks that. Does he have a MILF fetish or something because he should really talk to Stacy for that) oh. My. God. Did you hear about that thing with Charles Grantly and Jessica DeBlouski I can't believe he stuck it in her urethra (you shudder uncomfortably) lmfao (he actually said the abreviation out loud oh god) what a loser (at least people like Charles *you mentally high five yourself for that one. Nooice*) anyways can I borrow your notes for 4th period I was so busy killing noobs in Minecraft (you doubt thats even how the game is played) that I didn't have time blah blah blah blah blah"\n\nThe one-sided conversation lasts for 20 minutes (probably) and you feel yourself losing it. Literally. You punch Jimmy in the face and make a dash for the stall but it's too late. Jimmy screams in pain, terror, and then for a janitor. \n\nOn one hand, you get ISS for aggrevated assault and everyone knows about how you pooped yourself and you never live this moment down (Stupid fucking Jimmy brings it up at the 30 year reunion; you punch him again then too). BUT you do get to punch stupid fucking Jimmy Collins twice in your life and man does it feel good. You still wish you had [[ran past him|May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor]] though.
You're sitting in the middle of second period. It's 10:45 and there's still 20 minutes left to go. You're half asleep, drooling onto your textbook as Mrs. Dingle drones on and on and on in the background. Suddenly, you feel your butt clinch involuntarily. Uh oh. Looks like Chipotle for breakfast wasn't the best idea after all. Do you [[ask for permission|Ask Permission]] or [[run out the door|Run To The Bathroom]]?
You raise your hand with more speed and dexterity than you've ever had before. Damn, Wally West would be put to shame. Mrs. Dingle looks up from her textbook. "Yes Stinson?" You rapidly spit out your words like an 11 year old with his finger taped to the trigger button in COD. Mrs. Dingle raises an eyebrow. "The restroom? I don't know, can you?" You groan inwardly and correct your grammar. She smiles and nods. "Go along then but make sure to be back before cl-" You stand up, knocking all of your stuff over and accidentally elbowing Andy Smith in the head. He glares at you, but you're too busy dashing out the door to notice. [[Continue.|The Hallway]]
You stand up, knocking all of your stuff over and accidentally elbowing Andy Smith in the head. He glares at you, but you're too busy dashing out the door to notice. Mrs. Dingle looks up in surprise and reaches out to grab you but you're too quick. You duck under her arm and fling the door open, nearly ripping the door handle off in the process. Probably. You're pretty strong so it wouldn't be that much of a surprise. You're jolted out of your little ego-trip when you hear Mrs. Dingle shouting angrily at you. "STINSON WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHERE ARE YOU GOING YOU BETTER GET BACK IN THIS CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW OR I'LL SEND YOU TO THE OFFICE!!!!!" Wow she sure is angry. Whelp, it's too late now; there's no turning back.[[Continue.|The Hallway]]
The Great Poopy Butt Adventure
You're in the hallway now. After pretty much doing the Naruto-hands-back-running-thing, you find yourself stooped over and panting about 20 feet from Mrs. Dingles' classroom. Wow you really should work out more this is just pathetic you didn't even run for 30 seconds and you're panting harder than your friend Jack when he read an excerpt from 50 Shades of Gray.\n\nYou try having a flashback to that awkward moment but are iterrupted by another involuntary butt clench. Oh shit, literally. You stand up straight and start half-jogging to the bathroom. Oh thank god it's just around the corner. [[Continue.|The Bathroom]]
Yeah that's right kids you reached the end!! Good for you. You made it past the trials and tribulations of intestinal discomfort in school and triumphed. Congratulations!!\n\n[img[yaaay.png]]\n\n