Welcome to the Delightful Sausage's Internet eLearning course.
I know you're probably thinking "//eLearning?// isn't that just learning but for people from Yorkshire?" but you'd be as wrong as you are racist.
eLearning is just a kind of learning that's done on that information superhighway we call the Internet. What's the Internet? Well that's exactly what you'll find out on this eLearning course.
On this course we'll explain:
''- What is email and how do I send it?''
''- Is this on? The light's flashing but there's nothing on screen''
''- 30 day abs challenge''
''- Why is printer ink so expensive?''
''- Advanced MVC Frameworks''
[[First up, we'll need some personal data* ->Enter name]]
<sub>*90% GDPR compliant</sub>(put: (prompt: "Please give us your first name","") into $firstname)(put: (prompt: "Aaaaaaaannnnnddd your surname","") into $surname)(put: (prompt: "And the year of your birth","") into $birthyear)(put: (prompt: "And your number of sexual partners","") into $useless)(put: (prompt: "Come on, be honest now","") into $partners)Welcome $firstname $surname, born in $birthyear
It looks like you've... well, God loves a trier.(set: $historynet to 0)(set: $futurenet to 0)(set: $darksidenet to 0)(set: $grade to 0)
What would you like to learn about first?
[[The History of the Internet]]
[[The Future of the Internet]]
//HINT: This course rewards curious clickers. Get that mouse pointer in all the nooks and crannies!//Okay $firstname, let's get stuck into the History of the Internet.
The Internet was invented in 1860 by factory owner David INTER, and Tim Berners Lee of the NET Savings and Loan Company, High Wycombe.
<img src="http://images2.imagebam.com/ce/eb/6f/70d39e876132524.png" class ="fullwidth">
The original Internet was very different from the one we all enjoy and masturbate over today. There were no wires, no megabytes and no (link: "Bing.")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red) [Bing is a letterbox where you find what you need online. In that letterbox you type 'Ask Jeeves'. When he shows up, beg him to find 'Google'. He'll then send his trusty retriever 'Lycos' and hey presto - you're drowning in knowledge! Simple!]]
Internet Classic, as it has come to be known, was contained within the vaults of the Royal Society - and was the ideal place for men to hide from their (link: "wives")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red) [Women were finally granted access to the Internet in 1940, so they could DM their sweethearts fighting Jerry on the front line]].
To learn more, [[let's play out a little scenario]]
(set: $historynet to 1)
(if: $historynet is 0)[Yeah, that doesn't really work conceptually. You should really look at [[The History of the Internet]] first.(set: $grade to $grade + 1) ]
(if: $historynet is 1)[Great stuff! Now you're up-to-date on the history, let's take a little look at the future.
Virtual reality, uncapped data allowances, 4k nudes - these are just some of the things we'll be able to enjoy in the brave new world of online.
Let's take a look at some of the things we can look forward to [[in the future.->in the future]]
(set: $futurenet to 1)
]There's some real dark shit on the Internet, $firstname. You just keep your eyes away from it.
[[Complete module -> Dark side 2]]''Module complete''
What do you want to look at now?
(if: $historynet is 0)[ [[The History of the Internet]] ]
(if: $futurenet is 0)[ [[The Future of the Internet]] ]
(if: $historynet is 1 and $futurenet is 1)[ (text-colour: green)[ [[The Dark Side of the Internet]] ]]//It's 1902//
You are a decorated officer returning home from victory in the Boer War. You've come back a hero, but somehow you still feel empty.
Like so many others, you seek to fill the hole inside yourself by spending time on the Internet: You've checked your coat in to the Royal Society's generous mahogany-panelled cloakroom, signed into (link: "the Facebook")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)[Back then, the Facebook was a large, leather-bound signing-in book where your Mum would post pictures of the (link: "dog dressed up")[(text-color: red)+(background:black)[//she treats that dog like a child, you should visit more often. 15 hours in labour when she had you, you ungrateful bastard//]]] ], and now you stride confidently towards fat shelves - brimming with information, discourse, (link: "racist memes")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red) [Christ, imagine how bad they were back //then// ]] and magic lantern slides depicting the falling over of cats.
Which stack do you visit first?
[[A]]||[[B]]||[[C]]||[[D]]
(set: $visitedA to 0)
(set: $visitedB to 0)
(set: $visitedC to 0)
(set: $visitedD to 0)The tips of your fingers drift across the age-old jackets of all the volumes, feeling out the cracks and grooves of the tanned animal flesh.
Aardvarks, Abacuses, Adrogyny (cool), Amethyst crystals (also cool), Agriculture...
You've always fancied yourself (link: "green fingered")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)['green fingered' in the sense that you're good with plants, not 'green fingered' in the way that many of your more gonorrhoea-afflicted officer's club colleagues found themselves]], and now seems like the perfect time to learn more about plant-life.
There are two books about flowers in front of you. One is about [[good British flowers]] and the other is about [[foreign muck.]]
(set: $visitedA to 1)You stumble down the B aisle, thumbing greedily through the volumes to find something that will truly wiki your pedia.
Amongst the weighty tomes, you find a hand-written note. It's a short story about Poseidon - the most popular literary figure of the day - and so you must assume that your have stumbled across some kind of fan fiction.
[[Read on]]
(set: $visitedB to 1)As you enter the aisle marked C, you notice that you are not alone. There is another gentleman sheepishly looking at books.
You recognise him immediately by his broad shoulders. He is Sir Edward Badvilbly-Smyth, officer of the Royal Grenadiers, twice voted most handsome in the whole of the Queen's Army.
You sidle up to him as he gazes at a box of photographic plates depicting the savage tribes of the (link: "Amazon.")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)[It's said that these tribes are forced to subsist on grubs from the soil and bark from the trees that grow by the riverbank, whilst their chieftain is allegedly worth `$`130bn.]]
Edward shoots you a small smile. Is it a smile of recognition? Of comradeship? Of something //more?//
[[Make idle conversation]]
(set: $visitedC to 1)It's the olden days, they haven't got further than C.
[[Return to the Stacks]]
(set: $visitedD to 1)(if: $visitedA is 1 and $visitedB is 1 and $visitedC is 1 and $visitedD is 1)[ That's pretty much all the old Internet had to offer. Aren't you much better off now - with your Netflix and your Instagram and your text adventures?
Nothing left but to [[move on to another module. ->Module complete]] ](else:)[ Which stack do you visit next?]
(if: $visitedA is 0)[ [[A]] ||](if: $visitedB is 0)[ [[B]]||](if: $visitedC is 0) [ [[C]]||](if: $visitedD is 0)[ [[D]] ] Welcome to the Internet of tomorrow.
A graphic representation of data abstracted from banks of every computer in the human system. Unthinkable complexity. Lines of light ranged in the nonspace of the mind, clusters and constellations of data. It's a lot like Ready Player One, and you get to wear special gloves that allow you to give Super Mario a scalp massage.
With the vastness of online spread out in front of you. Which direction you want to go?
[[X->Pixel travel]]
[[Y->Pixel travel]]
[[Z->Pixel travel]](if: $pixeltravel <= 1000 and $pixeltravel > 0.9)[That's really too low, don't you know how small pixels are? We'll bump it up a bit. (set: $pixeltravel to $pixeltravel * 1000)](if: $pixeltravel <=0.9)[Well you've fucked up a simple number input $firstname, so I suppose we're going to have to pick a number for you. (set: $pixeltravel to 20000)](set: $chips to 10)(set: $buffetvisited to 0)(set: $playsafe to 0)You travel $pixeltravel pixels along a straight axis, and find yourself in a cyber casino. All around you are the sounds of gambling: Dice-rolling, card-shuffling, chip-cashing, waitress-groping - it's a buffet of sound.
There is also an actual buffet.
What do you do first?
[[Go to the buffet]]
[[Play some slots ->Play some slots 1]]
[[Go over to the Blackjack table]]
You approach the buffet bar. It's late in the day, so the spread isn't quite what you'd hoped for. (set: $grade to $grade + 1)
What do you fancy?
[[Chicken Chow Mein]]
[[Crab Rangune]]
[[Cheese Pizza]]
(set: $buffetvisited to 1)
[[ I'm not that hungry-> Online casino 2]] It's a slot machine! It costs 1 bitcoin to spin and pays out 2 bitcoin when you win. (set: $grade to $grade + 1)
You can leave at any time, but what are you, a pansy?
Current funds: $chips bitcoin
[[ Click to Spin -> Slots 2]]
[[Leave the slots -> Online casino 2]] (set: $kidneys to 2)At the heart of the online casino is the Blackjack table - a high stakes game where, in the words of lords and saviours, ABBA - the winner takes it all.
The aim is to get your hand as close to 21 as possible, but not go over. Aces are high, because we've not worked out how to do aces low-or-high programmatically.
(if: $chips <= 0)[Unfortunately, you gambled away all your cash money, so in order to play, you'll be betting a kidney. (set: $kidneys to $kidneys - 1)](if: $chips > 0)[You have $chips bitcoin remaining, so this is what you'll be betting]
[[Let's Play! -> Blackjack 1]] What now?
(if: $buffetvisited is 0)[ [[Go to the buffet]] ]
(if: $chips > 0)[ [[Play some slots->Play some slots 1]] ]
[[Go over to the Blackjack table]] (if: $chips <= 0)[You lost all your money, and now some some Chinese lads are demanding you dance for them.
You can't spin any more. (set: $grade to $grade + 1)]
(else:)[(put: (random: 1, 6) into $spin)
(if: $spin < 6)[You lost! Try your luck again? (set: $chips to it - 1)]
(else:)[You won! Let's keep this heater going! (set: $chips to it + 2)]
Current funds: $chips bitcoin
[[ Click to Spin again -> Slots 3]] ]
[[Leave the slots -> Online casino 2]] (if: $chips <= 0)[You lost all your money, and now some some Chinese lads are demanding you dance for them.
You can't spin any more. (set: $grade to $grade + 1)]
(else:)[(put: (random: 1, 6) into $spin)
(if: $spin < 6)[You lost! Try your luck again? (set: $chips to it - 1)]
(else:)[You won! Let's keep this heater going! (set: $chips to it + 2)]
Current funds: $chips bitcoin
[[ Click to Spin again -> Slots 2]] ]
[[Leave the slots -> Online casino 2]] You heap yourself a pile of slippery noodles and greying meat and hungrily tuck in to the slithering MSG-packed treat.
Unfortunately, this food has given you lethal food poisoning.
And when you die in the virtual world... You dont die in the real world, that'd be stupid. You're fine.
[[Continue? -> Online casino 2]] You grab a fistful of delicate pastries stuffed with crab meat and pop them into your mouth. They're so soft and buttery, they go down easily, but they leave an unpleasant taste as they slip down your throat.
Unfortunately, this food has given you lethal food poisoning.
And when you die in the virtual world... You dont die in the real world, that'd be stupid. You're fine.
[[Continue? -> Online casino 2]] (set: $playsafe to 1)The cheese pizza is a solid, dependable choice. Perhaps that's how you see yourself - safe, risk-averse, plain.
Is your personality really that boring? Does your desire for comforting, unadventurous food speak volumes about who you are?
Well, by taking our //personality quiz//. You can find out just how boring you are!
[[Take The Quiz]]''First Question''
When people talk to you, do their eyes sort of //glaze over//?(set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Yes -> Quiz Question 2]]
[[No -> Quiz Question 2]]
[[Only when I'm talking about myself or my family -> Quiz Question 2]]''2nd Question''
In the past week, has anyone pretended to go through a tunnel when you've been speaking on the phone?
[[Yes -> Quiz Question 3]]
[[No -> Quiz Question 3]]
[[Everyone I know is always constantly travelling through a dense network of tunnels -> Quiz Question 3]]''Question 3''
When someone offers to pick you up from the airport, do they...
[[Turn up a little late -> Quiz Question 4]]
[[Never turn up -> Quiz Question 4]]
[[Burn down the airport and salt the earth on which it stood -> Quiz Question 4]]''Question the Fourth (FINAL QUESTION)''
Ever done it anywhere interesting?
[[Yes, in the garden -> Quiz Answer]]
[[Yes, in the kitchen -> Quiz Answer]]
[[Yes, I had one foot out of the bed once -> Quiz Answer]] Your final score: ...
Okay, to be honest, we drifted off a bit there. You did fine, though. It's fine.
[[Just go back to the casino -> Online casino 2]] You sit down at the Blackjack table, nod to the dealer and place your bet.
There are three other players sat around the table:
- A pink-haired cyberpunk, his face curled up in a snarl and neon light bouncing off his digital (link:"Ray Bans.")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)[Ray Bans are a popular type of sunglass invented by a man called //Raymond// after he was //banned// from the Oakley store for repeatedly asking the cashier if she wanted to hang out on his yacht.]]
- Your Uncle, on your mum's side. You haven't spoken in years - he didn't come to your gran's funeral - so it's a bit awkward seeing him here now.
- This guy who is just maintaining the most intense eye contact you have ever seen in your life.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/7dFp40M.png" class="halfwidth">
//So intense//
[[Deal! -> Blackjack 2]]
Available funds: $chips bitcoin
Available kidneys: $kidneysThe dealer whips the cards across the table felt.
You surreptitiously check your cards... ''9 of Spades, 4 of Clubs''
Do you stick or twist?
[[Stick -> Blackjack 3a]]
[[Twist -> Blackjack 3b]]You play it safe (if: $playsafe is 1)[(just like with the pizza)] and stick with what you've got.
(link:"Let's see what the other players got")[- The cyberpunk drew ''The King and Queen of Spades'', a great hand, so he stuck. (have these even been shuffled?)
- Your Uncle drew a ''10 and 3 of diamonds'' and being more reckless than you he twisted. ''An Ace of Spades'' - he does a little fistpump, partially because it's a great card and partially because he loves Motörhead (RIP Lemmy). He then remembers that we're playing aces high, and the colour drains from his face. He is out.
- Intense eyes man drew ''The Queen of Clubs and 3 of Hearts'' - weighing things up he decides to twist. ''A 5 of Clubs'', and then he sticks.
The cyberpunk wins this round.
[[Let's Play Again! -> Blackjack 4]]
(if: $chips > 0)[(set: $chips to 0)]
(if: $chips <= 0)[(set: $kidneys to $kidneys - 1)]
]You twisted.
The dealer pulls an ''8 of Hearts''
It's a perfect 21!
(link:"Let's see how all the other players do")[- The cyberpunk drew ''The King and Queen of Spades'', a great hand, he stuck. (have these even been shuffled?)
- Your Uncle drew a ''10 and 3 of diamonds'' and as reckless as you he twisted. ''An Ace of Spades'' - he does a little fistpump, partially because it's a great card and partially because he loves Motörhead (RIP Lemmy). He then remembers that we're playing aces high, and the colour drains from his face. He is out.
- Intense eyes man drew ''The Queen of Clubs and 3 of Hearts'' - weighing things up he decides to twist. ''A 5 of Clubs'', and then he sticks.
You win this round.
[[Let's Play Again! -> Blackjack 4]]
(if: $chips > 0)[(set: $chips to $chips*4)]
(if: $chips <= 0)[(set: $kidneys to $kidneys*4)] ]The cards are cleared away and a fresh round begins. (if: $kidneys is > 0)[Let's keep this winning streak going!](if: $kidneys is <= 0)[You slide your remaining kidney across the felt. Let's see if you can win it all back before your body goes into septic shock.]
The dealer deals you in: ''The 8 of Spades and The King of Clubs''
What do you do?
[[Stick -> Blackjack 5a]]
[[Twist -> Blackjack 5b]]
Available funds: $chips bitcoin
Available kidneys: $kidneysHey! Those are great cards, no one can blame you for sticking.
(link:"Let's see what the other players got")[- The cyberpunk drew ''The Jack of Hearts and a 6 of Diamonds''. He takes a gamble and twists. ''Ten of Clubs'' - absolutely devvo'd, he's out.
- Your Uncle drew a ''Four and Ace of Diamonds'', which he's remembered is high this time. Feeling the blood course through his veins, he twists. ''9 of Hearts''. He's fucked it.
- Intense eyes man is really staring at you now. You didn't think it was possible he could be more starey, and yet here we are. He drew ''The Queen of Diamonds and 7 of Clubs'' - and so he decides to stick.
You win this round!
[[Let's Play Again! -> Blackjack 6]]
]You Twist. It's a ''Two of Clubs'' - it's an amazing pick and the dealer gives you a look like he absolutely fucking knows it.
(link:"Let's see what the other players got")[- The cyberpunk drew ''The Jack of Hearts and a 6 of Diamonds''. He takes a gamble and twists. ''Ten of Clubs'' - absolutely devvo'd, he's out.
- Your Uncle drew a ''Four and Ace of Diamonds'', which he's remembered is high this time. Feeling the blood course through his veins, he twists. ''9 of Hearts''. He's fucked it.
- Intense eyes man is really staring at you now. You didn't think it was possible he could be more starey, and yet here we are. He drew ''The Queen of Diamonds and 7 of Clubs'' - and so he decides to stick.
You win this round!
[[Let's Play Again! -> Blackjack 6]]
]A bouncer taps you on the shoulder and tells you to (link-reveal:"follow him.")[ He leads you across the casino floor, through a security door and into a back room.
(text-colour: orange)["Well, well, well... What have we got here?
Looks like someone has been raking in the bitcoins and/or kidneys. I think you've been counting cards, sunshine."]
You try to to protest, but he smashes you across the kneecap with his nightstick. Even though it's happening in the virtual world, the pain is //incredibly// real.
[["You know what we do with people who try to defraud the house?" -> Blocked]]
]He blocks you.
And given there's nothing really good to do on the future internet apart from visit high-concept cyber casinos, I guess this is the end of the module.
[[What a letdown ->Module complete]] Th3re's some re@l dark shit on the Internt, $firstname. You just kiip your eyes away from it.
[[Complete module -> Dark side 3]]Th3re's some re@lll darq shet pn the Internt, $firstname. You just kiip your eyes away from itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
[[Complete module -> Dark side 4]](alert:"We are watching")There's some real dark shit on the Internet, NAME NOT FOUND. You just keep your eyes away from it.
[[Complete module -> Dark side 5]](alert:"We are watching")(alert:"And we are waiting")(alert:"And now we have you")(alert:"RIGHT")(alert:"WHERE")(alert:"WE")(alert:"WANT")(alert:"YOU")[[Enter the dark web -> Dark side 6]](set: $uncle to 0)(text-style: "rumble")+(text-colour: yellow)[Welcome to the Dark Web]
Pull up a chair, you're in Hell now boy!
What's your poison?
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/tj9dbkZ.png" class="halfwidth2">
(Link: "Drugs")[Ah, no. We're actually out of them]
(Link: "Firearms")[Yeah, all sold out]
(Link: "Filth")[ That we can do. [[Meet me round the bins. -> Filth]] ]
[[I want to pay someone to murder a relative so I can claim their inheritance]](text-colour: red)["Hoooarrghhh. huuaaaggggghhh. hggghhhhh... Pfoot.
Sorry, narsty bit o' phlegm, there. So you're interested in somethin' a bit risqué, are you sunshine? Somefink a likkle bik mucky?"]
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/r09nVOq.png" class="halfwidth">
[[Yes]]
[[No]]
(set: $porn to 0)(if: $uncle is 0)[(text-colour: navy)["Hello there, I am definitely not a cop
I understand you're interested in having me murder a member of your family - in a very //non-police-like manner// I might add - so you can make big bucks from the inheritance."]]
(if: $uncle is 1)[(text-colour: navy)["]](text-colour: navy)[Whose brains would you like me to blow out with my standard-issue Glock pistol today?"]
[[My Father]]
[[My Mother]]
(if: $uncle is 0)[ [[My Uncle]]](text-colour: navy)["Ah, I see. Kill your father, marry your mother. Classic oedipal stuff.
I understand. You don't become a copper because you're well-adjusted y'know?
//Not that I'm a copper, you understand//"] (set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[I don't want to marry my mother]](text-colour: navy)["Alright, looks like we're bumping off your fat mother"] (set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Whoa, that's my mum you're talking about, you can't say that]](set: $uncle to 1)(text-colour: navy)["Hmmm. Seems like your Uncle has lost all his money, and most of his organs, in an online casino.
I can still murder him if you like, but with his liver in hawk, it's only a matter of time before nature takes its course"](set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Return to menu ->I want to pay someone to murder a relative so I can claim their inheritance]] <img src="https://i.imgur.com/iCpXw3G.png" class="dslong"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/IZXXkZ2.png" class="dsstack">
How to Internet
An eLearning course
[[Let's get started ->Delightful Sausage eLearning]]
<a href="http://www.thedelightfulsausage.com/" target="_blank"><div class="footer">www.thedelightfulsausage.com</div></a>A tremendous calm washes over you as you peruse the delicate engravings of honest, English flowers.
The daisy, the (link: "carnation")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)['carnation' in the sense of the flower, not 'car nation' the short-lived Jeremy Clarkson show that many of your more gonorrhoea-afflicted officer's club colleagues watched on a Sunday evening]], the taunting daffodil, the bashful thistle, (link: "the white rose")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)[YORKSHIRE!]], (link: "the red rose")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)[CHEATING BASTARDS!]], the rose whose colour cannot be described through language alone and whose beauty drives men insane.
<img src="http://images2.imagebam.com/52/05/24/6ecde1876137114.png" class="center">
All of a sudden, your sense of serenity is broken by a small voice:
[["What are you reading?"]]Whilst fighting in the colonies, you learnt a thing or two about foreign flowers - how the stems and stamens of heathen, (link: "Moslem")[(text-color: yellow)+(background:red)[When did they stop spelling it like this, eh?]] plants would corrupt honest hearts and turn Christian men against their brothers.
With caution, you turn the pages and are immediately hit with a psychedelic wall of colour. It's like the end of (link: "2001: A Space Odyssey")[(link: "Open the pod bay doors, HAL")[//I'm sorry $firstname, I'm afraid I can't do that//]], although that's not a reference you would understand in this scenario.
<img src="http://images2.imagebam.com/52/05/24/6ecde1876137114.png" class="center">
At once, your psychedelic frenzy is interrupted by a small voice:
[["What are you reading?"]]
//POSEIDON DOES PUSH-UPS FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES
By 1st Viscount Edmund Allenby
Aka Nightstixx
Aged 41
"Elementary, my dear Poseidon", remarked Sherlock Holmes, as he observed the vengeful sea god doing push-ups on the floor of lodgings at 221B Baker Street. He watched the rippling, fish-scaled muscles flex and contract as he lit up his black clay pipe NOT A CALABASH PIPE I DON'T CARE WHAT ANY OF THE FAKE FANS ON THE FORUMS SAY, HE SMOKES A BLACK - CLAY - PIPE.
Poseidon finished up his twenty reps and towelled himself off. The famous detective smirked at him: "I thought you were the God of the sea, why are you drying off?"
Poseidon shot Holmes a stare that could sink an armada: "I feel sweaty. I don't like to feel sweaty."
Holmes laughed and stroked the top of his pregnant belly, when in walked Goku...//
It trails off there.
[[Return to the Stacks]](text-colour: red)["Well that.. huaagghhh... That... huuuaaaaannngghhh... That Shia La Boeuf. You know 'im? Even Stevens? Did Transformahs an' that?
Anyway, Shia were about here earlier. Dropped some very choice gear off. Un-usual boy, that one. Very peculiar tastes.
He left a big box of Pauline Quirke pictures - bath time, on a woodland hike, catching the N29 to Woodgreen. Very saucy. Ve-ry ana-tom-i-cal.
You want it, son?"](set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Yes -> Yes to porn]]
[[No -> No to porn]](text-colour: red)["Honnghhh... Well what you doin' here then?
Gerrout of my shop!"]
[[Leave]](text-colour: red)["Here you go, son.
You'd think she'd be hairier down there. Lady of her advancin' years. But no, smooth as buttered haddock."]
He hands you a cardboard box, soggy at the corners, filled to the brim with compromising pictures of the (link: "Birds of a Feather star.")[Surf laundry detergent spokeswoman.]
(text-colour: red)["You be one your way now. Not sure I want your type hangin' around."](set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Leave]]
(set: $porn to 1)(text-colour: red)["Well I don't know what you're doing in my greasy corner of the dark web, if it's not for buying pictures of (link:"national treasure")[Executive Director of the Pauline Quirke Academy for Perfoming Arts] Pauline Quirke.
Go on. Fack off then."](set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Leave]] "Tell me, tight Edward, how is your wife, fairest Emmilene?"
(click: "fairest Emmilene")[Edward smirks.
"Let’s not talk of her now, good sir. Not while we’re… //private browsing.//”
Your eyes meet. Before you can catch a breath, his lips are pressed against yours - your waxed moustaches become intertwined, making a merry dance across your top lips as you unbutton his Norfolk jacket, and he slips a hand into your breeches.
[[He pulls you close, and whispers in your ear... ->He pulls you close]]
]"Drain me like a //peat bog//."
(click: "peat bog")[
He exposes himself to you. You fingers wrap around his tallywag, trigger finger on the head, like brandishing a rifle made of meat.
He places his hand on yours - complimenting the softness of your skin - and moves it up and down the shaft.
(link:"Tug it")[(link:"tug it")[(link:"tuuuugg it")[(link:"tug itttt")[(link:"aaalllllmooostt theerree")[(link:"Urrrrggghhh")[
It's all over. He leaves you sweating, propped up against a bookshelf, with your arm aching from the sinewy punishment he just gave it.
[[Push down your feelings]]
]]]]]]
]In your mind's eye, you dig a big hole - a grave for your emotions. It's not the first time you've dug this hole. Not the first time you've buried your sin under six feet of topsoil.
Were you a Catholic, you could just confess to a priest. But a man in your position cannot be seen meddling in popery.
So you bury the feelings deep underground, where not even God himself can find them.
[[Return to the Stacks]] (if: $porn is 1)[You step out into the blackness of the dark web, clutching your box of 'nography.](if: $porn is 0)[You step out into the blackness, empty-handed, but confident of your life choices]
You see a shaft of light. Perhaps an exit from the dark web?
[[Leave the Dark Web]](text-colour: navy)["Of course you don't, sunshine. None of us do.
It's just - //in a way// - that's what all of us wind up doing in the end."]
[[No, I'm really not into that]](text-colour: navy)["Alright, well can you prove it?"]
[[Yes! Okay, let's kill my mum instead ->My Mother]](text-colour: navy)["Sorry.
I just assumed that as you were having me kill her and everything, you wouldn't mind me calling her a fat, old bag who's emotionally-reliant on the family dog."]
[[You're out of order]](text-colour: navy)["I'M OUT OF ORDER?
You come here, asking me to assassinate your poor, innocent old mother. Me, a serving officer of twelve years experience - a //beacon// of the community.
I have been undercover as a dark web hitman for six months now, and I have never been treated with such disresp.. Ah shit
I've fucked it haven't I?"]
(click: "I've fucked it haven't I?")[//"Yeah, is that the chief?... Well can you put him on... Hi chief, it's Graham. Yeah, my cover's blown... Well, it's not my fault, is it? It's really difficult pretending all that time... Well, that's easy for you to say, you went to RADA. Anyway, I'm coming in, love to Emmeline and the kids"//
[[Can I go now?]]
]//"What? Yeah sure, whatever. While you're here you might as well check out [[the red light district, -> Filth]] so it won't be a completely wasted journey. Me? I'll be busy trying to Debrasco myself.
So long, gentle pervert."//(alert: "Did you really think, you could just leave?")(alert: "When I, the greatest hacker in all the world, have you right in my palm")(alert: "I suppose now you think you know soooooooooo much about the internet. WELL YOU DON'T KNOW AS MUCH AS ME.")(alert: "Okay, I see your game. Well I propose a challenge: A hacking challenge.") (alert: "If you win, I'll release you from my grasp")(alert: "If I win, I own your digital soul FOREVER!")(text-colour: green)[LET US BEGIN!
We will be engaging in the greatest challenge of all: Hacking into the CIA's mainframe.
I'm really gonna show the deep state who's boss by exposing their plan to undermine the President. It's called Project POSEIDON, named after the coolest character //who the SJWs are ruining, might I add//.
Ahem, okay [[let's jack in.]]
](text-colour:black)[''Welcome, to the CIA Mainframe Mr. Director''
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/G0csyHk.png" class="halfwidth">
The retinal scanner is offline because one of the agents was eating wings and got Korean BBQ sauce all over the infrared beam.
We're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.
[[Please enter your password]]
](text-colour: black)[(put: (prompt: "Enter password (lower case)","") into $password)
(if: $password is 'paddington')[Yep, that's the right password. I love the bit where he's cleaning windows, but I can't remember if it's in the first or the second movie.
[[ENTER PROJECT POSEIDON]] ](else:)[Sorry sir, that's not the right password.
[[Re-enter password ->Please enter your password]]
(link: "Password hint")[It's that cartoon bear from that movie your kids like. The marmalade one. English. Rhymes with //raddington//.] ]
][[ <img src="http://images2.imagebam.com/5a/b7/ef/0d41b5876137064.png" width="15%"> Things we've done -> Things we've done]]
[[ <img src="http://images2.imagebam.com/5a/b7/ef/0d41b5876137064.png" width="15%"> Project POSEIDON Workgroup -> Workgroup]]Things that we, the CIA, absolutely did and are 100% responsible for:
* (link: "JFK Assassination")[John F. Kennedy was a famous president and the inventor of Cuban missiles]
* (link: "9/11")[Whilst jet fuel technically //can// melt steel beams, it didn't on this particular occasion]
* (link: "Chemtrails")[To be honest, I'm really surprised the airlines went along with this one]
* (link: "Fluoride in the water")[THEY'RE TURNING THE FROGS GAY!]
* (link: "Casino buffet poisonings")[...]
* (link: "Masonic shit")[We are really into all the Mason stuff. Rituals, secret handshakes, child sacrifice, sovereign rings - the whole lot. Love it.] (set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Back to desktop ->ENTER PROJECT POSEIDON]] This is the full documentation of Project POSEIDON. The U.S. Government's most top-level, most top-secret, most top-gun military project.
The secrets contained within this workgroup are so sensitive that if they were ever to leak, the very foundations of Western civilization would be shaken to the core, and violent revolution would be an invevitability.
Proceed with caution.
(link: "Open Workgroup")[(text-colour:green)+(background: black)["Okay, I'm ready now... ''WHAT?''
I'd just nipped out for a wee. This isn't fair.
(click: "fair")[I //totally// would've beat you. You had an unfair head start. You CHEATED]
(click: "CHEATED")[''//THIS IS SO UNFAIR//'' ]
(click: "UNFAIR")[ [[You suck"]] ]
]](text-colour: green)["Harumph. I'm a man of my word though, I guess.
You can go free $firstname. Complete your stupid eLearning course.
//But remember//, whenever you're online - I'm always watching. Except Tuesdays. Tuesdays I play Fortnite."]
[[Complete module -> End of test]]''End of course''
The Delighful Sausage hope you've had a great time and learnt plenty on our eLearning course.
Your grade is:
(if: $grade is >= 10)[''A+''](else-if: $grade is >= 7)[''A''](else-if: $grade is >= 5)[''B''](else:)[''C'']
You can restart the course if you want to try for a different grade. (click:"restart")[(reload:)]
This course was written and designed by
<a href="https://twitter.com/whiteleyjon" target="_blank" class="biolink">Jon Whiteley</a> & <a href="https://twitter.com/MmmSausage" target="_blank" class="biolink">The Delightful Sausage</a>
<a href="http://www.thedelightfulsausage.com/" target="_blank"><div class="footer">www.thedelightfulsausage.com</div></a>You look down to see a small man at your heels. Though his dimensions are that of a child, whispy facial hair peers from beneath the brim of his straw boater. The cut of his suit tells you he is //new money//.
"Are you reading about flowers? What a womanish pursuit!
What next? Will you be wearing petticoats? Will you be displaying signs of the monthly shame?"
He smiles a broad smile. His teeth are brilliant white at the front, but get progressively more disgusting as you go back. This suggests he //does// brush his teeth, but not well.
[[Be gone, savage. The study of horticulture is for learned men ONLY]]"You tell yourself that, sir. You tell yourself that as you smear your lips ruby red with the whore's paint"
It is clear this tiny man is just here to goad you. How do you respond?
[[Verbal parry]]
[[Alert a moderator]]//How can a man who is so small in stature hold such big ideas about the world? A man for whom a garden shrub is as the mighty oak.//
The man is rattled, and rocks back on his heels.
"A height joke? Have you no shame?"
[[Double-down]]
[[Apologise]]You scream at the top of your lungs, alerting a member of His Majesty's constabulary.
"I can't believe you called the peelers, you gibface, you guttersnipe, you mumbling cove. A pox on you."
The policeman grabs the pygmy by his collar, and drags him through the Internet, to be tossed out on to The Mall.
"A pox on yooooouuuuu"
The altercation has left you rattled, and in no mood to enjoy flowers.
[[Return to the Stacks]] //I feel shame, sir. But not such shame as your mother felt when your slight frame slipped down her birth canal, and she pleaded with your father to bring her a shovel that she might snuff you out.//
Stunned and trying to hide his embarassment, the diminutive man tips his straw boater and saunters down the aisle, out of sight.
The exchange has left you out of breath, and in no mood for flowers.(set: $grade to $grade + 1)
[[Return to the Stacks]] //Look, I'm really sorry. We're just having a laugh and I took it too far, I know that now.//
"Ah hah! Backing down! Not just a poor dresser, but a coward to boot. Oh, pigeon-livered fool, you must feel a heavy shame"
[[Double-down]]
[[Alert a moderator]] (set: $pixeltravel to 1) And how far would you like to travel (in pixels)?
// I would like to travel $pixeltravel pixels//
Click below to increase or decrease
[[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/PvzLOx5.png" class="quarterwidth"> -> More pixels]][[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/RHM59ks.png" class="quarterwidth"> -> Less pixels]]
[[Travel! ->Online casino]] (set: $pixeltravel to $pixeltravel * (random: 7,12))And how far would you like to travel (in pixels)?
// I would like to travel $pixeltravel pixels//
Click below to increase or decrease
[[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/PvzLOx5.png" class="quarterwidth"> -> More pixels]][[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/RHM59ks.png" class="quarterwidth"> -> Less pixels]]
[[Travel! ->Online casino]] (set: $pixeltravel to $pixeltravel / (random: 7,12))And how far would you like to travel (in pixels)?
// I would like to travel $pixeltravel pixels//
Click below to increase or decrease
[[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/PvzLOx5.png" class="quarterwidth"> -> More pixels]][[<img src="https://i.imgur.com/RHM59ks.png" class="quarterwidth"> -> Less pixels]]
[[Travel! ->Online casino]]