SquirrelSimulator3000

Apologies! Your web browser lacks required capabilities. Please consider upgrading it or switching to a more modern web browser.

Initializing. Please wait…

Welcome to SquirrelSimulator3000. Are you fucking ready to fight a squirrel because i sure as fuck am [[hell yeah][$counter to $counter + 1]] [[fight that squirrel]]

Uh-uh. You're actually not going to be the one fighting this squirrel, sorry. Like, did you actually think you were going to fight a squirrel? You have listened to this show, right? [[find your squirrel fighter]]

there he is. standing in the middle of a creepy fucking forest like a moron. what's his name [[nic silver]] [[NICODEMUS SILVER][$counter to $counter + 1]]

HELL YEAH [[FIGHT THAT SQUIRREL|fight that squirrel]]

that's the guy. looks kinda nerdy. [[you sure that's him?|that's him]]

HELL YEAH THAT'S THE GUY [[HELL YEAH|that's him]]

nic is completely unaware that he is about to fight a squirrel. [[aw, that kinda sucks]] [[TOO FUCK KI Ng BAD][$counter to $counter + 1]]

you're feeling bad for the dude at this point? [[yeah]] [[nah]]

THAT'S THE SPIRIT FORCE THOSE UNASSUMING CANADIAN JOURNALISTS INTO UNARMED WILDLIFE COMBAT WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT [[cool]] [[H E LL YEAH][$counter to $counter + 1]] [[wait that's a bit unethical][$counter to $counter - 1]]

yeah, it is kinda cool. anyway should we unleash the squirrel yet, do you think? [[yeah!!!]] [[nahh]]

YEAHHHHHHH [[just let the squirrel out|squirrelGo]] [[YEAHHHHH!!!][$counter to $counter + 1]]

you want to talk about ethics at this point we're too far gone. it's squirrel or bust at this point. [[yeah but]] [[ok good point]]

i see what you mean, actually. he is sort of pathetic. [[welp]]

yeah, thought so. well, squirrel time, i guess!! [[go ahead|squirrelGo]] [[can't we give him a weapon first though?]]

cool!! [[unleash the squirrel|squirrelGo]]

why not? [[let's build up the suspense]] [[i feel kind of bad for him. can't we just let him go home?]] [[give him something to fight with|can't we give him a weapon first though?]] [[let's unleash something wORSE on him][$counter to $counter + 1]]

cool, sounds good. [[unleash that squirrel!]]

[[YEAHHHHHHHH][$counter to $counter + 1]] [[can we maybe just unleash the squirrel now|squirrelGo]]

but WHAT [[nothing. you're right. fight the squirrel.|squirrelGo]] [[can't we give him a weapon first though?]]

i know. well, let's unleash the squirrel then! [[ok|squirrelGo]] [[HELL YEAH|squirrelGo][$counter to $counter + 1]]

[[YEAH!!!!!][$counter to $counter + 1]] [[just set the squirrel on him jesus christ|squirrelGo]]

[[YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH][$counter to $counter + 1]] [[oh my god]]

[[okay i think we're good.|squirrelGo]]

let's just fight the fucking squirrel already. okay? [[okay.|squirrelGo]]

he's gotta fight that squirrel anyway, i guess. [[so unleash the squirrel|squirrelGo]]

what suspense? we're throwing a squirrel at him for no reason, for god's sake. it's not gonna get any more suspenseful than what we've got now. [[fight that squirrel|squirrelGo]]

..... .... i mean, i guess??? are you sure? [[yeah, let the dude go home. he deserves it]] [[lol nope. unleash the squirrel|squirrelGo][$counter to $counter + 1]]

are you CRAZY the title of this game is SQUIRRELSIMULATOR3000. what could we possibly unleash on him except a squirrel [[okay fine. a squirrel then|squirrelGo]]

it's against the spirit of the game, but.... like. i guess. [[Nic walks off into the sunset]]

....sure, I guess? what do you want to arm him with? there's some stuff lying around on the ground [[a stick]] [[a cup of tea]] [[a FLAMETHROWER][$counter to $counter + 1]]

Nic is now equipped with a handy stick. he is all ready to fight the furry forces of evil. [[it's not a very good stick, but sure. fight that squirrel|squirrelGo]] <<set $weapon to "stick">>

thankfully, Nic brought a thermos full of hot tea with him! he has now equipped it, and can throw it on enemies. [[fight the squirrel now|squirrelGo]] <<set $weapon to "tea">>

what sort of game do you think this is??? there's no flamethrowers!! and besides, Nic is far too innocent and nice to consider fighting a squirrel with a flamethrower. just for that, you're getting nothing. [[let's fight that squirrel barehanded|squirrelGo]]

when he arrives at home, he finds Geoff Van Sant, healthy and waiting for him. they kiss. everybody's happy, including his dog. the squirrel recieved no injuries. Meerkatnip gets a cute girlfriend, and they all forget about Tanis and live happily ever after. this is the optimal ending. [[Play again?|Menu]]

<h1>SQUIRRELSIMULATOR3000</h1> [[PLAY|Start]] (created by [[meer-katnip|http://www.meer-katnip.tumblr.com]]) <<set $counter to 0>>

it's loose!! the squirrel stalks Nic silently for a few minutes, before it decides to SHOW ITSELF <<if $counter lte 0>>[[the squirrel STRIKES|strikedeath]] <<elseif $counter eq 2>>[[the squirrel STRIKES|strikepain]] <<elseif $counter eq 3>>[[the squirrel STRIKES|strikegood]] <<elseif $counter gte 4>>[[the squirrel STRIKES|strikeforce]] <<else>>[[the squirrel STRIKES|strikepain]] <</if>>

<<if $weapon is "tea">>Nic attempts to splash the tea on the squirrel, but only succeeds in scalding himself. While's he's flailing on the ground and screaming, the squirrel finishes him off <<elseif $weapon is "stick">>Nic attempts to beat the squirrel off with the stick. the stick breaks, snapping in half. "shit," says Nic, staring down at his broken weapon. while he's considering this, the squirrel kills him instantly. <<else>>the squirrel rips Nic's head off, killing him instantly. <</if>> Bad end. [[Play again?|Menu]]

<<if $weapon is "tea">>Nic attempts to splash the tea on the squirrel, but only succeeds in scalding himself. While's he's flailing on the ground and screaming, the squirrel attempts to finish him off. nic holds his ground for several minutes before losing consciousness. the cult of tanis stops by a few minutes later, and sighs before beginning to scrape him off the ground. <<elseif $weapon is "stick">>Nic attempts to beat the squirrel off with the stick. the stick breaks, snapping in half. "shit," says Nic, staring down at his broken weapon. while he's considering this, the squirrel attaches itself to his leg and starts to gnaw. nic swears and tries to prise it off. he ends up losing the leg permanently in the hospital a few hours later, which looks badass but also really hurts. <<else>>the squirrel attacks nic. nic goes down like a sack of bricks, which is hilarious but also really tragic. it takes a few minutes before meerkatnip shows up to help. she laughs at him for a solid hour before even bothering to help. the squirrel itself is completely harmless, and couldn't have hurt him at all. <</if>> This could definitely have gone better. [[Play again?|Menu]]

<<if $weapon is "tea">>Nic becomes the Tea Bender, taking down that fucking squirrel like nobody's business. the furry menace only lasts a few seconds before it fucking dies. terry miles wanders past to see what his blatant self-insert is doing, and also fucking dies. nic silver is now a god. a god of tea. <<elseif $weapon is "stick">>Nic succeeds in beating the squirrel off with his stick. he also twists his ankle in the process, but manages to make it out of the forest and get home safely, holding aloft his trophy of dead squirrel. his dog absolutely loves it, and immediately goes off to bury it in the backyard. nic looks at his computer. skype is flashing. it's just another ordinary day. <<else>>Nic flings the squirrel off him with superhuman strength. it hits a nearby tree and also fucking dies. he then proceeds to go and get lost in the woods, which is tragic but also we all saw this coming <</if>> Not bad. [[Play again?|Menu]]

<<if $weapon is "tea">>Nic becomes the Tea Bender, taking down that fucking squirrel like nobody's business. the furry menace only lasts a few seconds before it fucking dies. terry miles wanders past to see what his blatant self-insert is doing, and also fucking dies. nic silver is now a god. a god of tea. <<elseif $weapon is "stick">> with a single jab, Nic skewers that squirrel like a furry kebab. he isn't even fazed. he pulls on his sunglasses and ollies the fuck out of that forest with a skateboard he pulled out of literally nowhere. he passes Veronika Pilman on the way out, and makes finger guns at her. "i'm only sparing you because i know it'll make you furious," he whispers softly <<else>>nic turns and FUCKING DROPKICKS THAT SQUIRREL ALL THE WAY INTO SPACE. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT HE TOTALLY JUST DID THAT, BAREHANDED. HOW DID HE DO THAT. THIS WILL GO DOWN IN THE HISTORY OF THE PACIFIC NORTH WEST. EVERYONE'S IN SHOCK. DOCTOR STRAND IS THERE. HE GIVES NIC A RELUCTANT THUMBS UP; EVEN HE IS IMPRESSED. ALEX REAGAN IS CHEERING WILDLY. NIC SPOTS GEOFF IN THE FOREST, AND RUNS FORWARD TO SWEEP HIM INTO A PASSIONATE EMBRACE. MEERKATNIP WOLF WHISTLES AS THEY KISS <</if>> [[Play again?|Menu]]