DIGITAL DEAD MONSTER MUSEUM

Flourescent light. Ammonia stench. Subtly, on your tongue and in the back of your throat, the itch of dust. You know the [[Digital Dead Monster Museum->DDMDescriptor]]; you’re certain you’ve been there before. The [[museum attendants->attendantClothes]] wait behind counters, lurk in dark corners, stand behind you when you're not looking at them--normal things like that. Every glass case contains a unique artifact, and around each artifact hangs a unique silence. [[>>Get ticket.->getTicket]]

very very //very// [[prestigious!->DDMIntro]]

wearing their customary black shrouds, black boots, and black nametags...making things a smidge complicated for [[complaining customers.->DDMIntro]]

The ticket booth is in the central concourse of the museum. Beyond the concourse, you see a [[giant skull->giantSkull]] nearly as tall as the ceiling in the central chamber, which branches off into several corridors. An eerie light engulfs the shroud of the figure behind the counter. [[>>->getTicket2]]

probably a giant's skull? you can't tell from [[here.->getTicket]]

She puts down her cell phone and pulls up her shroud. Her eyes are bright amber. “Oh. Hi.” “Hello. I’d like a ticket.” “Name?” [[>>Tell her.->getTicket3]]

“Ah. We’ve been expecting you. No, no — there’s no charge. You’ve already paid.” You [[shiver.->coldRoom]] “Good move, buying these online,” the woman behind the counter adds. “We’re usually swamped. As it stands, looks like you’re the only one here.” [[>>Make conversation?->makeConversation]]

what’s the air conditioner set for, penguins? it's roaring and cold and you can hear the thrum of it in [[your teeth.->getTicket3]]

"How interesting," you say. Substantive. "I guess? Anyway. Enjoy.” She pulls down her shroud and gets back to her [[cell phone game.->cellGame]] [[>>Enter the central chamber.->enterTheCentralChamber]]

which is almost disappointing when you think about it to be honest. you feel like it would be thematically appropriate for the game to be about slaying dragons or killing orcs or something, but it’s actually a rhythm game about Japanese pop stars with (presumably) funky-fresh beats and ultra-kawaii jams. why is she playing it with the sound off? //how// is she playing it with the sound off? So early in your journey, and you are already drowning in a [[torrent of mystery.->makeConversation]]

You [[do.->centralChamber]]

It’s not a [[giant skull in the central chamber->howPedantic]], but the skull of a dragon. Kneeling before it is the stuffed corpse of a dog-faced monster, a thing you’ve heard people call a kobold. Beyond the central display are two corridors. [[>>Examine the central display.->centralDisplay]] [[>>Examine the corridors.->twoCorridors]] [[>>Return to the central concourse.->concourseReturn]]

well, fine, it is giant in the sense that it is very large but if you’re so pedantic all the time we aren’t going to get anywhere, you [[know?->centralChamber]]

The dragon skull in the central display is [[bleached white bone,->notBone]] huge and horned. The jaw hangs open for a little extra menace. It somehow has the opposite effect: you imagine the dragon yawning, its forked [[pink->pinkTongue]] tongue hanging out between grimy fangs. The air in the dragon's lair would smell like sulfur, not ammonia. You can’t decide which would be worse. A short, skinny humanoid with a dog’s head—a kobold—kneels before the dragon; it looks about as [[alive->taxidermySnob]] as a toaster strudel. The thing is wrinkled, pruney, old-looking. There are metal joints [[installed inside->metalJoints]] to make it posable. The kobold has been fitted with what is, without a doubt, the most [[ridiculous headdress->thatHatThoughOMG]] you’ve ever seen in your life. That’s it. It’s over. All other dumb hats are now irrelevant to you. A pang of sadness tugs at you when you realize this. [[>>Read the plaque.->dragonPlaque]] [[>>Step back.->centralChamber]]

At the far end of the chamber is a flickering sign. The sign reads: "<- ABOMINATION WING                            DEMIHUMAN WING ->" On either side, two corridors. Which do you enter? [[>>The left.->abomination]] [[>>The right.->demiHuman]] [[>>Neither.->centralChamber]]

or a hardened plaster cast, probably, but it’s all images [[anyway.->centralDisplay]]

are dragon tongues pink? you decide that they’re pink because why not it’s weirdly [[cute.->centralDisplay]]

hiring a good taxidermist clearly wasn't as important as paying for a dragon skull/cast/thing-that-we-can-put-on-postcards-in-the-gift-[[shop->centralDisplay]][[.->somethingHidden]]

you can see them through the crook of the knee, [[rusting.->centralDisplay]]

pink and purple feathers, pyramidal, [[glittery->centralDisplay]]

“The Elder Red Dragon is the fiercest creature in the dragon genus, and it has a size to match that ferocity! It is forty meters standing on its hind legs, with a tail almost as long as its body at thirty meters! Not only are Elder Red Dragons super strong, but they’re also super smart! Dragons have been known to rule kingdoms. Wow, and you thought kidnapping princesses was bad!” “Kobolds organize themselves into dangerous little tribes of dragon-worshippers. Scientists once theorized that kobolds believe dragons to be gods. Recent evidence suggests that they actually want to //become// dragons, and pray for that power! Then again, who wouldn’t want to be a dragon?” You stare at the hollow eyes of the massive dragon skull. They do not stare back. You’re fine. Yeah, you’re...you’re [[fine.->centralDisplay]]

You take the left path, the path to the Abomination Wing. The ammonia smell of the central concourse fades somewhat, giving way to the heavy musk of animal. You turn a corner, and the white walls of the central concourse are now pale red. [[Tacky bongo music plays from a nearby loudspeaker, overlaid with the noise of crickets.->dumbAmbience]] There is another plaque before the hallway opens to the abomination wing. [[>>Read plaque.->abominationPlaque]] [[>>Explore the exhibits.->abominationMonsters]] [[>>Turn back.->twoCorridors]]

You take the left path, the path to the Demihuman Wing. The ammonia smell of the central concourse fades somewhat, but the dust remains. You turn a corner, and the white walls of the central concourse are now pale blue. A tiny speaker in the wall plays soft, [[otherworldly->strangeMusic]] harp music. There is another plaque before the hallway opens to the Demihuman Wing. [[>>Read plaque.->demiHumanPlaque]] [[>>Explore the exhibits.->demiHumanMonsters]] [[>>Turn back.->twoCorridors]]

A floor-to-wall glass case marks the basilisk exhibit on the far end of the Abomination wing. The air there reeks with plaster and a hint of rot. The basilisk lies in coils on the plain stone floor of its chamber, head pulled back and hood open, ready to [[strike.->basiliskPuppy]] The basilisk in front of you is grey stone; the one on the plaque is dark, oily green. The eyes of the basilisk are pure, reflective black [[mirrors.->basiliskLenses]] A stone statue faces the basilisk, [[one hand->lostHand]] on his chin as he smiles. He is buck [[naked.->dickPuns]] [[>>Read the plaque.->basiliskPlaque]] [[>>Return to the Abomination Wing.->abomination]]

an effect ruined somewhat by the cartoonish way the basilisk’s neck is craned to the side, tilting its head like a hungry [[puppy.->theBasilisk]]

it dawns on you that they’re not eyes at all, but mirrored lenses jammed into the basilisk's face. this lizard has been perpetually [[theBasilisk<-medusa'd.]]

the other hand is — you lean to the side slightly — gone. it must’ve cracked off a long time ago. they angled the statue to hide [[that.->theBasilisk]]

yes, the petrified man does have a stone wang. you suppose his clothes didn’t turn to stone, and probably fell to pieces over the years. anyway, you take this rare opportunity to think of several genitalia-themed puns. you are unstoppable dick-joke making MACHINE. they are all great puns! you should pat yourself on the back, a privilege that you have due to not being forcibly transformed into stone. heheh. rock hard stone. [[theBasilisk<-dicks.]]

“The basilisk, commonly called the Serpent King, is not technically a snake at all! Evolutionarily, the basilisk has more in common with a dragon than the common snake. Unlike dragons (and fortunately for us!) basilisks have a limited, animal intelligence. "Basilisks feed on a steady diet of rock, preferably igneous (which means volcano-made). While basilisks do not seek out humans or other animals for food, a single glance at any living animal turns that creature forever into igneous stone. That ‘rocks’ for the basilisk, but not for anyone unlucky enough to be caught by its gaze! Fortunately, clever use of a mirror can make a basilisk harmless. Just make sure not to move it away from the basilisk’s eyes, or you could end up 'stone cold' dead! “Special thanks to [[the family of Dr. Ted Gorman->poorTed]], who over a century ago graciously allowed us to display Mr. Gorman in our establishment. In death as in life, he exposes us all to new knowledge.” Okay, that //had// to be [[theBasilisk<-intentional.]]

oh god, Ted, what did you do to piss them [[off?->basiliskPlaque]]

You can hear the burbling of the slimes through the protective glass of the slime tank. The little [[snots->littleSnots]] are much more energetic than you’d expect sentient slime to be. They bounce back and forth off the glass, off the rocks and seashells in the tank, sometimes off of each other like goopy pinballs. They suck up each other’s gootrails, occasional devour each other, sprout off into tiny sub-slimes, and generally appear to be having oodles of goop-tastic fun. [[>>Read the plaque.->slimePlaque]] [[>>Return to the Abomination Wing.->abomination]]

well, they’re the color of snot at any [[theSlimes<-rate.]]

“Hundreds of years ago, when adventurers roamed the earth in search of fortune and glory, slimes were considered a ‘starter’ monster. Being generally easy to kill, slimes were hunted nearly to extinction. Hundreds of slime species have been eradicated, destabilizing countless habitats worldwide. While larger slimes can certainly be dangerous, they also fight disease by devouring small insects and recently-deceased animals. Some experts have argued that the falling slime population was responsible for the worldwide flu epidemic at the beginning of the century! Pretty amazing that living mucous matters so much, isn’t it? “NOTE: DO NOT ANGER THE SLIME.” [[>>Anger the slime.->slimeAnger]] [[>>Step back.->theSlimes]]

you do not know how one would even go about angering slime. you stick your tongue out. the slimes do not care. you insult their goop-mothers. the slimes remain unperturbed. you sing a pop song that you dislike. all this manages to do is get the song stuck in your head. angering the slime seems like a waste of time. was that what the sign was warning you about? maybe you are just not very good at angering slime. on the other hand, maybe you are very talented at //not// angering slime. there are dimensions to these things. [[>>“Partyin’, partyin’, yeah."->theSlimes]]

It takes almost five minutes of looking to find the [[pegasus.->findPegasus]] You nearly [[stumble back->pegasusStumble]] when you find it, rearing, each wing spread out to the height of your own body or more, hooves gleaming like starlight. You catch your breath. Slow. Slow. //There// you go. There. The pegasus is dead. The [[sparkling->pegasusGlitter]] front hooves will not come down on you. The wings will not move. The pegasus is dead and everything is great. [[>>Read the plaque.->pegasusPlaque]] [[>>Back to the Abomination Wing.->abomination]]

clearly the museum curators thought people would be more interested in fangs than [[wings.->thePegasus]]

okay actually you //do// stumble [[back.->thePegasus]]

now, calmer, you see glitter on the marble floor of the exhibit. suddenly you’re more in the mind of Lisa Frank than [[magic->thePegasus]][[.->secondToLastHidden]]

“The pegasus is the little sister of the infamous unicorn...though perhaps calling a pegasus ‘little’ is a stretch! At over two meters tall and three meters total wingspan, there’s a reason classic mythology depicts them as gifts from the Gods! "The pegasus was almost hunted to extinction like its older sister: hunters would grind their hooves and feathers as a snake-oil cure for [[all manner of diseases.->pegasusCocktail]] Flocks of pegasi are protected by national coalitions, but their population has begun to sink rapidly in recent years. The internet black market makes it easier than ever to catch and poach these precious animals.” [[>>Step back.->thePegasus]]

you vaguely knew a little rich creep in high school who bragged about the Pegasus Tonic he drank and insisted that it gave him ‘virility.’ he just got out of jail. you wish he’d stayed there. god, the longer you stay here with the pegasus, the harder you [[wish it.->thePegasus]]

The minotaur looks like a rough draft of a monster. You expected something tall as a one story [[house->houseOfLeaves]] and ended up with this funky, unbalanced afterthought of a beast. Its horned head is bigger than its torso; the limbs are twiggy, the fingernails long a dirty, textured yellow. This particular minotaur looks like it’s more interested in rifling through trashcans than human guts. Also, it has a yellowish-brown [[loincloth.->minotaurLoincloth]] [[>>Examine the plaque.->minotaurPlaque]] [[>>Back to the Abomination Wing.->abomination]]

a Zampano-style colonial [[house,->theMinotaur]] to be precise, which is an obscure thing about houses that you know for reasons you don’t remember; memory is at times a labyrinth.

either loincloths are real things that were not invented by cartoonists dreading censors, or the museum put a loincloth on the minotaur. third possibility: [[loincloths are gross and it's time to stop thinking about them.->theMinotaur]]

“Not much is known about the rare creature we call the minotaur. The DDMM is lucky enough to have one of the only three intact examples of the monster. Minotaurs are known to turn from placid to vicious at a moment’s notice, and are suspected to be carnivores. Interestingly, the teeth of a minotaur correspond with those of a herbivore, but this seems to be an evolutionary curiosity. This specimen was found half-starved in Italy, wandering an abandoned house.” You reread the plaque. There are holes between sentences. [[>>Step back.->theMinotaur]]

you have heard this before, you //know// you've heard this before--these crickets, these bongos, this mish-mash of stock sound effects. who put them together, anyway? why does every single museum, zoo, aquarium, and public radio show have access to it? and why has no one called them out on the fact that these are the exact same bongos, the exact same crickets, the exact same everything, and it completely fails to immerse you in anything at all except the memory of the other things you've heard the sound effects used with? i mean, really? again? [[//again?//->abomination]]

"There are more monsters in the world than our best minds can count, and more are discovered every year. How can we possibly deal with them? How can we keep track with them? Dividing them into categories makes things easier. "This is the Abomination Wing, where the truly strange and monstrous lurk. All monsters are dangerous, but at least you can talk your way out of trouble with some of them! Try that with an abomination, and you're in for a real whallop!" [[>>Step back.->abomination]]

the music seems to rise [[higher and higher->stillHigher]] without ceasing. it hypnotizes. you shudder. the air here is warmer than in the central concourse. the music makes you think of water and burned buildings and freshly fallen [[trees->demiHuman]][[somethingElseHidden<-.]]

"There are more monsters in the world than our best minds can count, and more are discovered every year. How can we possibly deal with them? How can we keep track with them? Dividing them into categories makes things easier. "This is the Demihuman Wing, where wondrous and horrible beings alike [[lurk.->lurkingStretch]] The scarier Abomination-type monsters might tear you to pieces, but they're not nearly as smart as a Demihuman. "Some Demihumans can be your friends, but watch out! You never know what they'll do!" [[>>Step back.->demiHuman]]

it just keeps [[going.->andHigher]] and [[going->strangeMusic]]

and [[going->strangeMusic]]

//"We did not mean to do it. We did //not.// There was so much anger after the war, you know. The Silver Arrow didn't exist yet, and neither did their museums. It was just us, just Artemis, and there was Apollo in the Sometimes Lands. Apollo, pretending that all was well just because they had joined us in our fight against the Winter Court. Apollo, locked away in their little fortresses, puffing away on opium pipes and dreaming, dreaming, dreaming. "Our allies, yes, but they were elves. Do you know what the elves did to us during the Long Reign? There are documents, you know. You can find them if you look, or if you read between the lines. "Mind you, most of the documents aren't even here. Most of them are gone, or inaccessible (at present). "Listen, though: we did not mean to do it. We were angry. We did things. We didn't mean to do them. We were angry, and we were curious, and God [[help us."->taxidermySnob]]//

//"We still don't know where they came from. The word 'aliens' has implications that I don't want to touch, frankly. They were not little green men. They were about as tall as us, a little thinner, a little pointier on the ears. "They //knew// things. They started to //tell// us things. They began to reshape our environments, to skin the world alive and graft new tissue on, to turn our world into something out of mythology. Our mythology. Their mythology. "That's another thing--we shared old gods. Were they real after all, or--well, they looked like us, so perhaps they--? "No, I don't want to know. God, I don't want to know. "Stop asking these questions. Go back to your Museum. "This is not for [[you."->strangeMusic]]//

okay no that's not what lurking means at all. lurking requires some sort of purpose. you can't just stick a thing that isn't alive in a place and say that it's lurking. hey look over there at that piece of furniture. yeah, that one. see that piece of furniture next to you? watch it lurk. oh god so [[spooky.->demiHumanPlaque]]

//"Betrayal is such a strong word. I don't think we deserve it. We tried to make things better. We tried to--what do they say so often these days--we tried to rebrand after what we did to the elves. Those of us who led our...mistake, we got rid of them. We salted the earth and locked away the Sometimes Lands where it all happened. "I just want to help people. All of us here, we just want to help [[people."->pegasusGlitter]]//

the halls of the museum go black in the basement and cross over one another in strange ways labyrinthine dizzying makes your eyes water head go sloshy back and forth just far far too many rooms you know far down there in the basement which is just teeming teeming such a good word teeming full of old things forgotten things and one of them is full of books piles and piles of books and on the bottom of one pile is a certain book, a journal, and written inside is [[this:->theLastSecret2]]

//The last liquid shipment went out today from Research Block Eleven and I watched the steam rise from over the horizon few hours later and thought of what we’re doing really thought about it because I have been there to the main site and I cannot close my eyes anymore without the picture in my eyes so I went to the sentinel here in Security and changed things around a bit because it’s all too much and we deserve much worse anyway so they’re probably dead now and me too soon because it’s not like it needs to or cares about screaming. I mean yes we won the war but I can’t do this no more even though we one the war I still Can’t I can’t do this no more but we did win the war but I cannot do this no more tho we won the War can’t do this no more but we did Win the War I just can’t Do This No More Yet We Did Win the war but I simply cannot I cannot I can’t I can’t God I can’t// [[that's what it says.->giftShop]]

The Drydash exhibit is sappy. //Double// sappy. Smells like sap — woosh, the sweetness hits when you get there — and the [[neon-bright plastic flowers->neonFlowers]] all around the display are about as sappy as you can get. The Drydash themselves sit cross-legged and heads bowed in the sacred presence of an [[impressivly obvious fake stump.->fakeStump]] Long fingers like roots, legs and arms knotted, all the color of dead wood. [[Their faces, though...->drydashFaces]] [[>>Read the plaque.->drydashPlaque]] [[>>Back to the Demihuman Wing.->demiHuman]]

not just plastic but shining in the fluorescent light, holding stiff and still in all the ways that flowers absolutely [[do not.->drydash]]

styrofoam? plastic? or perhaps forged from physical irony itself. [[science is amazing you guys who knows?->drydash]]

...their faces what? you can’t put your finger on it. lines of bark run up and down the body of the drydash. the lines soften at the face, almost disappear. the dead wood is smooth there, except for the long line across in the middle, turned down slightly. the shape is [[the crest of a sunset.->drydash]]

“The Drydash (once known as the Dryads) are symbiotic demihumans fanatically devoted to their forest habitats. While they were initially created by the Fair Folk to guard important forest strongholds, the Drydash are more interested in protecting the forest itself from perceived threats than anything else. Their forms range from humanoid (in appearance and intelligence) to arachnid. “This particular group—or '//sprouting//'—of Drydash was found in a South American forest shortly after a major chemical spill nearby. The Drydash surrounded their forest and, heads bowed, chose to nobly pass on to the next world and become [[one with the forest.”->oneWithTheForest]] [[>>Step back.->drydash]]

or, in this case, become one the plastic flowers and fake stumps. not that these drydash are alive to really care or anything but. well. [[anyway.->drydashPlaque]]

[[>>The Drydash.->drydash]] [[>>The Merfolk.->merfolk]] [[>>The Werewolf.->werewolf]] [[>>A dusty corner.->dustyCorner]]

[[>>The basilisk.->theBasilisk]] [[>>The minotaur.->theMinotaur]] [[>>The pegasus.->thePegasus]] [[>>The slimes.->theSlimes]]

//"Many of the great religions understand the value of self-loathing, the importance of guilt. What's done is done, yes, but what's been done? Will you do it again? [["Who do you think Carnegie was being good for?"->theSecretsOfPunctuation]]//

There are two merfolk in this exhibit with the exact same pose. They’re both shoving themselves out over a big fake rock with webbed hands, blue styrofoam tide splashing out on both sides [[around them.->partOfYourWorld]] The tails of the two merfolk —fishtails — jut out, a huge “J” on each side. The mouth of the one on the right hangs [[open.->merfolkTeeth]] The one on the left just [[smiles.->merfolkSmile]] There’s a big red button right next to the plaque. “PRESS ME,” says a sticker. [[>>Read the plaque.->merfolkPlaque]] [[>>Press the button.->merfolkSong]] [[>>Back to the Demi-Human Wing.->demiHuman]]

this is probably not what they were thinking of when they asked to be [[“part of our world”->merfolk]]

“From Homer’s //Odyssey// to your favorite cartoon movies, merfolk (or, popularly, ‘mermaids’) have swum through our imaginations for centuries. By now, it’s hard to separate the fact from the fiction. Are merfolk lucky or deadly? Are their songs beautiful or fatal? Are they beautiful or horrific? As you can see, the answer lies somewhere in-between. “There are two varieties of merfolk: the Naiad and the Sirens. The Naiad sings vast cities to life beneath the ocean, pulling salt from the water with sound, commanding it into buildings and castles to live their peaceful lives away from human civilization. The Sirens are outwardly similar in appearance and even behavior, but they do not share the Naiad’s vegetarian diet. The Sirens also do not use salt to build their cities, though songs are certainly used to gather materials. “Special thanks to Captain B. Wolf, who provided us with specimens of [[both.”->merfolkLabels]] [[>>Step back.->merfolk]]

the labels beneath them are faded [[beyond legibility.->merfolkPlaque]]

Nine out of ten times, these sound buttons don’t work. The speaker’s busted, a spring has snapped, or something like that. The song starts out so low, so quiet that you’re certain this is one of those nine times. You’re tapping your foot before you realize it. Salt. You can smell salt. A voice floats like violin strings. Your eyelashes are heavy. How did you not notice how heavy they were till today? [[>>Close your eyes.->merfolkSong2]]

ahhh much better. and perhaps lie down. strings so soft steady tide lovely foam dashing against your feet over the deck of the ship, what an absurdity a ship, a delay, an excuse to the ocean for not being free listen to me [[>>listen to me->merfolkSong3]]

this is not a place for you there is a place for you down here that skin that flesh you have is a cage for you and we can open it up we can let you free we can let your soul out into the water to dance with us to dance to [[>>->merfolkSong4]]

(kzzt) [[>>->merfolk]]

dozens of tiny white teeth, rows of them, no room for anything in those mouths but teeth. they are so white that you wonder if mermaids brush. it’d take a while for them to brush probably, so maybe brushing's a social thing? like maybe they all get together and have brushing parties for three hours? because geez if you didn’t can you imagine how many cavities you’d all get at once? the bills would be ridiculous. dental hygiene is extremely important. make sure to brush and floss every day for personal and economic [[reasons.->merfolk]]

Leonardo da Vinci takes acid and paints the Mona Lisa as a [[green fish woman.->merfolk]]

The werewolf crouches, humped and silent, its black nose high in the air. The monster’s legs are splayed on each side, its gnarled fingers pressed together against the ground, long-clawed. The pose is animal, doggish. The [[eyes->dogEyes]] echo that. The spookiness is ruined a bit by the huge, bushy [[tail jutting up to the side.->werewolfTail]] The walls behind the exhibit are deep, dark violet. Painted clouds hang around a dim white [[moon.->werewolfMoon]] [[>>Examine the plaque.->werewolfPlaque]] [[>>Back to the Demihuman Wing.->demiHuman]]

brown eyes, big eyes, [[friendly-dog-eyes->werewolf]]

it looks like those things kids are supposed to make crappy sculptures with — those colored pipe cleaner things. big and brown and bushy and [[ragged.->werewolf]]

the moon flickers and has a [[smudge across it.->werewolf]]

“The werewolf is the fiercest of the ‘afflicted monsters.’ While vampires retain some measure of self-control over their inner monsters and can thus be fully integrated into society, werewolves are either man or monster...and they only have control of one side. When the light of the full moon hits, the wolf sheds the skin of the human and breaks for the nearest forest. “While werewolves are perfectly willing to hunt humans, the creatures are not naturally drawn to them. Given the option, most werewolves will feed on deer or snake meat rather than humans. However, werewolves will eat anything in their path to the forest. The myth of werewolves feeding on their [[human side->werewolfMan]]’s loved ones springs from this fact. “Ironically, werewolves may end up saving countless lives in the next decade. The werewolf’s rapid growth of fur and muscle has been surprisingly useful to cancer research. Who knows? [[Maybe we’re about to find the ‘silver bullet’ that slays cancer once and for all!”->werewolfApocalypse]] [[>>Step back.->werewolf]]

this is pretty exciting for about a split second until you realize that this is basically the beginning of a campy horror movie. you decide that as far as the end of the world goes, a werewolf apocalypse at least sounds pretty badass. it's much better than [[global warming.->werewolf]]

[[who were you?->werewolfPlaque]]

Pardon me? [[>>Over there.->theElves]]

Alright. This is the exhibit for the elves. There are no elves here. There //is// a distinct [[stench.->elfStench]] Behind a glass pane rest a few paltry artifacts. There is a spear, a couple of clay pots, and a [[dress.->elvenDress]] There is a plaque. The font is different. The letters are fading. That is all. [[>>Examine the plaque.->elfPlaque]] [[>>Turn back.->demiHuman]]

"Once, when I was a kid, my parents dragged me out of the museum crying. I can see it right now — little me sobbing into Mom's sleeve, face crinkled up and red, the few other people in the lobby staring at both my parents as if it was their fault somehow. It's so clear and so sharp that it feels unreal, to be honest. A vivid dream. "There I was, on the far end of the museum minutes before closing time, everybody trickling out. The few people left gazed at werewolves, dragons, pegasi — the good stuff. Maybe my parents were there with them. I didn't care, really. In fact, I didn't care so much that I kept repeating it to myself. I didn't care at all. They could keep on screaming at each other, and I'd be right here, far away and focusing on just how much I could not god damn care about them. [[>>->agnesRemembers2]]

"For beings that forever altered our world, [[no one knows what happened to the elves->elvenHistory]][[.->agnesRemembers]] They came bearing technology, magic, strange gods, and monsters. In time, they began to conquer. "After a painful hundred years of elven domination, their empire broke into pieces. The Winter War had begun, led by the rebellious Summer Court and their human allies. "The war tore the time from vast swaths of land. It sucked the space from cities. Ecosystems collapsed. The Winter Court fell, and the world shook. "The elves then hid in their shifting cities and disappeared forever." That is all it says. [[>>Go away.->theElves]]

this entire plaque is pretty standard stuff honestly. you learned a way more detailed version of it in elementary history class. they don't even //mention// the battle of blackstone keep. how do you not mention [[the battle of blackstone keep?->elfPlaque]]

clay metal rotting fabric dust dust [[dust->theElves]]

"The smell of ammonia cleaner was thick, but not thick enough to mask the stench of clay and rotting fabric. Fabric from a dress, behind the glass of a case. It was gaudy, once — striped with bright orange, green, pink, flecks of silver — but all that was faded. The person who wore it, gone." "The glass smudged when I touched it, cold and smooth. The person who owned this dress had a name, I thought, and my blood turned into cold water. "My face stared at me, layered over the elven dress, reflected in the glass case by the dimming museum lights. My parents found me when the reflection began to cry. "I don’t think it was a dream. It couldn't have been a dream." --Agnes Diane Grunewald, 578 A.[[E.->elfPlaque]]

The central concourse is just as cold as it was before. The woman behind the counter has set aside her cell phone for a book called--you squint--[[//The Secrets of Puncuation.//->theSecretsOfPunctuation]] Beyond the clerk and her desk is the exit. Well, okay, no--there's the gift shop first. You don't have a choice in this matter. You see, the only way out...is through the gift shop. [[>>Not done looking through the museum yet.->turnAroundTocentralChamber]] [[>>Time to go.->preparingToExit]]

"Is it any good?" you ask. She shrugs. "It's pretty good, I guess." "What's it about?" "Secrets hiding in punctuation." "Metaphorically, you mean." She shrugs. "What kind of secrets?" you ask. "You'll have to read and find out," [[she says, gesturing vaguely at the museum around you->concourseReturn]][[.->guilt]]

You're not done yet. Maybe you haven't seen every exhibit yet, or maybe there's something you want to take a closer look at. [[>>->centralChamber]]

Deep breath. Hold your wallet tight. The clerk sets down her book, lifts her shroud slightly and smiles at you. "Hey--did you have a good time?" [[>>"Yeah!"->goodTime]] [[>>"No."->badTime]] [[>>Shrug.->indifference]]

"Radical badical. I'm glad you had a good time. Stop by again when you feel like it, you know? Maybe when it's not totally dead here." She pauses. "I mean, metaphorically. It's always //mostly// dead in here. Ugh, what am I saying? Puns. That's what. It's a bad habit, making bad jokes to impress people." She blinks. "I mean, not that I'm trying to impress you. You seem cool, though, I didn't mean that you don't seem //cool.// You seem really cool! Which is weird to say because I just met you and I'm going to stop talking now before I dig this hole too deep." [[>>WHOA HOLD ON HERE GET HER NUMBER->getNumber]] [[>>Not interested.->giftShopJustFriends]]

"You're a really honest person. Most people wouldn't say something like that. I sort of get where you're coming from, though. You should see this place at night. It's creepy. Used to be a janitor here, actually, and I always felt like the monsters were watching me. I still have dreams about that, every now and then." The clerk falls silent. The air conditioner roars. There are no other sounds here. "Um. Sorry, didn't mean to go on or anything. But yeah, I don't...well. Anyway. Hey, I hope your day gets better, okay? You're cool. I mean, maybe you're not cool. That's possible. You might suck. But hey, at least you're listening to me." [[>>WHOA HOLD ON HERE GET HER NUMBER->getNumber]] [[>>Not interested.->giftShopJustFriends]]

"Fair enough," she says. "As my grandma used to say: 'All the greatest evils have been perpetrated under the gaze of indifferent men.' She used to say that every time she made peanut butter cookies, actually. Very specific. Nice lady. "Anyway, hey. Hope you have a good one, you know? I really do." [[>>Exit through the gift shop.->giftShop]]

The gift shop looks like every gift shop, really. It has [[books,->giftBooks]] [[clothes,->giftClothes]] [[novelty candies,->giftCandies]] [[toys for the kids,->giftToys]] [[postcards,->giftCards]] [[those tacky miniature plastic elves,->plasticElves]] [[coloring utensils,->coloringU]] and [[scented candles.->scentedCandles]] [[>>Don't buy anything.->dontBuy]] [[>>Buy something.->buySomething]] [[>>Buy everything.->youArePoor]]

"Huh? Oh--sorry! No, that's not a good idea. You're cute. You're //really// cute. It's just that, you know, I'm a ghost. So, you know, that always makes things weird." She [[laughs awkwardly.->ghostLaugh]] [[>>"I don't mind!"->maybeSomeday]] [[>>"Ah well."->sorryKiddo]]

wow it's just the most awkward laugh like you wouldn't believe it just this giggle-type thing that gets louder and louder until it fills the whole room and the desk begins to shake the floors begin to quake and the lights start flickering. her eyes glow bright green with the eldritch fires of purgatory and she totally begins to levitate, her dark cloak fluttering in frigid howling wind that is not of this world. just. wow. [[AWKWARD.->getNumber]]

"You know what? Sure, why not?" She laughs that awkward laugh of hers again. You EXCHANGE NUMBERS! You MAKE PLANS! You BID GOODBYE BUT ONLY FOR NOW BECAUSE YOU WILL TOTALLY SEE HER AT THIS ONE RESTAURANT NEARBY, [[RICKY'S RIB SHACK.->RickysRibs]] [[>>NICE.->ghostDate]]

Aww. Hey, it's cool. You're cool. I mean, you really are cool. It'll be fine, you know? Let's go to the gift shop and drown our woes with capitalism. [[>>(sigh)->giftShop]]

it's a really ghost-positive environment there and you know what? they have vegetarian options if ribs are a problem. really good vegetarian options, promise! also, ricky is a really great guy. he goes around from table to table making sure everyone is having a good meal and he makes really terrible puns. he's probably a republican but he's not a dick about it or anything and really respects everybody. [[man i love that place you made a great choice.->maybeSomeday]]

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: GOING ON A DATE THIS SATURDAY WITH A GHOST (UGGGGH I AM SO JEALOUS NOT EVEN FAIR.) [[>>Now, victorious, we go to the gift shop!->giftShop]]

titles include: //The Monsters of Alshain// by Greta Blum //Myths of Ancient Greece// by Jordan L. Barret //The Digital Dead Monster Museum Coloring Book// //A Great Big Book of Dragons!// by Hans Crall //An Itty Bitty Book of Basilisks (with 3D glasses!)// by Victor Vaughan [[and many more!->giftShop]]

a collection of sweatshirts, patterned skirts, blouses, T-shirts, pants, and other clothes [[with DDMM logos on them.->giftShop]]

hard candy with insects in the center, chocolate dragons, chocolate that has labels with monsters on it (the money goes to CHARITY!), [[the old mainstay of chewy licorice elf ears.->giftShop]]

spyglasses, dragons that you can make CHOMP by pressing a button, plastic figurines of the monsters, monopoly ripoffs, merfolk jigsaw puzzles, plush pegasi, grow-your-own-slime (PARENTAL SUPERVISION REQUIRED), lucky werewolf claws, [[and that sort of thing.->giftShop]]

gorgeous high-resolution pictures of every dead monster you saw. [[rad!->giftShop]]

why are there plastic elves here? there were barely any elves in the actual museum! but for some reason that's always been a thing here at the DDMM. plastic elves with huge bulbous santa-style noses and ears almost sharp enough to cut your fingers. why did you buy them when you were a kid? god. [[you can't stand these things->giftShop]][[.->theLastSecret]]

colored pencils, crayons, and markers...except the colors are named stuff like "DRAGON RED" or "MERMAID BLUE" or "WEREWOLF BROWN." they are just better than normal coloring utensils. [[sorry, artists.->giftShop]]

every single gift shop has scented candles even if it doesn't make sense. it's creepy. what are they trying to mask with that overpowering vanilla delight? what are they hiding? what does big candle not want you to know? [[wake up, sheeple.->giftShop]]

you make a mighty effort not to buy anything but let's be real here. [[>>Shameful trip to checkout, followed by exit.->exitMuseum]]

you do! good choice on that thing you just bought! i hope it brings you oodles and oodles of joy and becomes your constant companion through the wonders and ordeals of life! nice thing, super good, go you! [[Exit.->exitMuseum]]

What? You can't do that. You can't buy //every// thing. You don't have that kind of money, okay? You can buy some things. You could even buy a lot of things, if you wanted. Look. Go back into the gift shop and try to be realistic. Got it? [[>>Ugh, fine.->giftShop]]

You exit the Digital Dead Monster Museum, gift shop thing in hand. You've got stuff to do, a life to lead. Besides, it's getting late. You take a breath of air and hold it for a moment. Air. Proper air. Air that doesn't taste like cleaning chemicals. [[>>Go home.->ending1]]

That night you dream. [[>>Oh?->ending2]]

No, I lied. You do not dream. You hover between sleep and waking, turning in bed, in a slipstream state of mind. The museum sprouts from the brown of your eyelids, huge grey crumbling stone. The sound of the air conditioner returns, just as it was in waking hours till it begins to chug, to distort. It morphs, flips, inverts into the chatter of conversation. You’re struggling to recognize any of the words when they begin to flow from the door. [[>>->ending3]]

The elven dress stretches her phantom legs down the steps of the museum, [[a sparkling arm->elfArm]] around the brittle arm of the [[stuffed kobold->youngKobold]]. Behind them, a phalanx of rusting swords, spears, arrowheads from a dozen dead civilizations — bronze and silver and plastic. Behind them, galloping werewolves alongside basilisks, a proud pegasus with [[shining wings->noGlitter]] and a sad, slow minotaur. Colored beads and jewels weave themselves into cots for idols of old gods. Stone pots carry water from the museum, rusted iron utensils flip and stab at the air. Artifacts. The dead. Endless, pouring, jubilant. The museum shrinks as you march alongside the parade... [[>>->ending4]]

skin dark and speckled with starlight real [[starlight->ending3]]

young when he died, why did you think [[otherwise?->ending3]]

[[light->ending3]]

...except, no, it //is// shrinking. The walls are crumbling into sand, the sand is scattering into smoke, and onward marches the parade. A whiff of ammonia hits before the smoke rolls over you. All is dry stone. [[>>->ending5]]

The smoke dissipates. [[>>->ending6]]

There is no trace. [[>>->ending7]]

All of these moments are broken with flashes of your alarm clock, your ceiling, pillow and bed. A heap of images that you assemble that next morning, bleary, as you wonder what to do with your day. You forget within an hour. [[///->credits]]

[[<strong><center>DIGITAL DEAD MONSTER MUSEUM</center></strong>->credits]] [[<strong><center>by MATTHEW B. HARE</center></strong>->MatthewBHareInfo]]

I mean, I guess you //could// ask for her number? But honestly, you don't want her to get the wrong idea or anything. It seems like she's flirting with you and...yeah, that's not going to work. Flattering, though! You politely say goodbye and head for the gift shop. [[>>->giftShop]]

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so faded so bright blue green pink silver changing with every direction you look at it from. the copper buttons have gone the dark green of old [[pennies.->theElves]]

Matthew B. Hare is the pseudonym of a person named Matthew Daniel Birkenhauer. He has hobbies. He has a degree of some sort (it is not very helpful). He has written a book of some kind, probably. He really does think you're pretty cool, by the way. You can find his social media junk in the following places: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Matthew-B-Hare-661143897259963/">Facebook</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/MatthewBHare">Twitter</a> <a href="http://matthewbhare.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>