All Hail The King!

//"All hail the King, all hail the King!" The voice of the crowd cries again and again. Proud banners and merry pendants wave, soldiers parade in bright squads, and the creepy Chancellor smiles mysteriously to himself in the shadows. [[All hail the king!->Watch]]// (set: $chancellorMad to 0) (set: $minister to 0) (set: $dungeonPrisoner to 0) (set: $dungeonMichael to 0) (set: $artist to 0) (set: $deathMeans to 0) (set: $sandwich to 0) (set: $phase to 0) (set: $rugby to 0) (set: $fourthWall to 0) (set: $loop1 to 0) (set: $latrineKeeper to 0)

//It's another happy day in the kingdom, another grand tournament where state pride and heady mead trump international tensions and bygone assassination attempts. Everyone's smiling, everyone's decked out in their finest, and everyone from the garrison to the foreign princesses are at least a little tipsy. Especially the garrison. [[Here comes the King.->The Old King]]//

//Your father the King bounces out onto his balcony overlooking the courtyard, smiling as only a mildly tipsy King can. The crowd erupts in cheers, and the garrison fires a shaky salute of sixty-two cannon. [[One cannon wasn't pointed the right way...->Dead King]]//

The King died when you were a mere youth, killed by a stray salutary cannon shot aimed by an intoxicated soldier. You, as his sole heir, have now succeeded him to the throne despite your tender years. The Chancellor isn't too happy about it, but he says he's just sad to see your father cut down in the prime of midlife. [[All hail the King!->I'm King Now]]

"Sire, as King you will need to elect your Cabinet and other staff," says the Chancellor, smiling in a cold, fishy sort of way. [[Trot out the politicians, Chancey.->Select Staff]] [[It looks like a fine day for some magic rugby.->Magic Rugby]] [[Where the !@$# is my lunch, you slithery old slob?->Lunch]]

"Let's begin with your Minister of Defense, or Chief of Garrison, as he's also known. I'm sure you'll want to be extra, hem, careful about his selection, given past incidents," says the Chancellor, with an insensitive smile. [[How dare you be so freaking insensitive?->How dare you]] [[Why are you smiling, you turdburglar?->Why smile]] [[Bring out the candidates already.->Defense Candidates]]

"Your majesty can attend to his sports later. There are important decisions to be made, and lunch after that," says the Chancellor. [[Heck with responsibility, I'm going to go play rugby.->More Magic Rugby]] [[My father just freaking died, why am I not in mourning or something?->Mourning]] [[Why can't we just have lunch now?->Lunch now]] (set: $rugby to 1)

"Sire, the Cabinet is a rather pressing matter. Your lunch can afford to wait," says the Chancellor, with a superior look. Though contractually as Chancellor he is required to develop a sizable girth, so as to provide a better body shield in case of an attempt on your life, he personally thoroughly disapproves of lunch. [[Waiting is for peasants.->Lunch now]] [[It's not like you to delay a meal, Mr. Girthy McGirth.->Dinner delay?]] [[Okay, fine, you stinky old bureaucrat. Let's appoint my stupid Cabinet.->Select Staff]]

"I AM contractually obligated to, hem, maintain a certain threshold of weight, so to speak," says the Chancellor, glaring, "For YOUR safety, of course." [[Getting a little passive aggressive there, aren't you, Chancey?->Passive aggressive]] [[Mhm, yeah, sure, contractually obligated. Of course that's it.->Passive aggressive]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1)

"Sire, I meant no offense, of course. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you," smirks the Chancellor, "Why don't we just get on with business?" [[You suck, man.->Defense Candidates]] [[Business, shmusiness, you need to keep a freaking civil tongue in your head.->Civil Tongue]] [[I can totally see you smiing, you offensive old fart.->Why smile]]

"Smiling? You must be imagining things," says the Chancellor, looking especially creepy. [[Imagining things, huh? Oookaayyy, whatever...->Defense Candidates]] [[No, you were smiling.->Totally Smiling]]

"I have taken the liberty of summoning the two men I believe best suited for managing the defense of our lustrous kingdom. Your majesty, meet Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet and Admiral Wulfenbrock Von Couq, two very accomplished knights," says the Chancellor. [[They sound like real dorks.->Lord and Admiral 2]] [[Show them in.->Lord and Admiral]]

"But sire, what of your Cabinet? Your government? You wouldn't want your father's kingdom to go to wrack and ruin—" begins the Chancellor(if: $rugby is 1)[ again], as guiltingly as only he can. (if: $phase is 0)[[[Alright, alright, fine, we can do the Cabinet thing. Sheesh.->Select Staff]]](if: $phase is "ministerDown")[[[Alright, alright, fine, we can do more stupid Cabinet stuff. Sheesh.->Next Up on the Cabinet]]] [[Oh can it already, Chancey. I'm playing rugby and I don't care.->More more magic rugby]]

"You yourself said, sire, that there was no need to languish in the agony of heartbreak while there is still a future for the kingdom," says the Chancellor. [[I never said that.->Never Said That]]

"Sire, you can hardly be starving. You had so much goose at breakfast, after all," says the Chancellor. [[Are you calling me fat?->Calling me fat]] [[Why on earth were they serving goose at breakfast, anyway? That's just weird.->Why goose?]]

"It is an honour, your majesty, to make your accquaintence," says Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet, "A real honour. All hail the King!" He tries to turn this into a chant, but no one picks it up. [[Okay, and Wulfenbrock...?->Wulfenbrock Too]]

"Yes! Thank you, your majesty, a thousand thanks and many blessings!" says Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet, needily. At a nod from the Chancellor, he scurries away, only stopping at another nod to turn and bow. [[I think I'm going to regret this.->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[One down, a few more to go.->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[Sorry Wulfy, cool names don't take you everywhere.->Wulfenbrock is Sad]] (set: $minister to "Borkhelm") (set: $chancellorMad to it - 2)

Lord Borkhelm's jaw begins to work, and Admiral Wulfenbrock sputters madly. The Chancellor goggles like a broken toy, or like a kid whose toy has been broken, or a broken toy whose toy is being broken. One of those. "Sire, Ole Rusty is just some... Guy. You can't make him your Minister of Defense!" [[Actually, I can. I'm King. K-I-N-G. Bring this Ole Rusty guy up here.->Ole Rusty for Real]] [[Haha, got you so good! Let's make Borkhelm Minister, I like his attitude.->Borkhelm for Minister]] [[Just kidding! We want someone with experience, like Wulfenbrock. Go Wulfy!->Wulfenbrock for Minister]] (set: $minister to "Ole Rusty")

"An honour and more, my dear king," says Admiral Wulfenbrock Von Couq, "I have fought many battles for the glory of the realm, and I assure you I am more than fit to minister its defense and your personal safety. Unlike some I might mention, //coughBorkhelmcough// who are hardly more capable than Ole Rusty, that man who guards the key to the peasants' latrine." [[All hail the King, yeah! Put a cape on this Borkhelm guy!->Borkhelm for Minister]] [[Many battles? Epic! Admiral Wulfenbrock for the win!->Wulfenbrock for Minister]] [[Let's get this Ole Rusty guy to be Minister.->Ole Rusty for Minister]]

"Aye, howzit go'n, milord? You have'n a wot bit of a meetup here? They tells me you're want'n me as minister. 'sall very flattering," says Ole Rusty, wiping his feet on an elaborate rug at the door, "I ken kneel or sumth'n, if you need, jus' gimme minute to find me tuna sammich." [[Don't just stand there! Help this man find his tuna sandwich!->Sandwich Hunt]] [[Nah, don't bother kneeling, just get to work or something.->Bye Rusty]] [[Get this man three tuna sandwiches, on the double, and make Wulfenbrock the latrine key guy.->Wulfenbrock's New Job]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 2)

"I can see you inherited your mother's wisdom, my King. I vow I will not let you down," says Admiral Wulfenbrock Von Couq, "//coughcoughnotgentlyanywaycoughcough.//" He walks out with his head held high. "Interesting choice, sire. Shall we be moving on now?" asks the Chancellor, looking slightly put out. [[Yeah, whatever, what's next on the agenda?->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[Y'know, I'm all funned out. I'm gonna go play some magic rugby.->More Magic Rugby]] (set: $minister to "Wulfenbrock") (set: $chancellorMad to it - 1) (set: $phase to "ministerDown")

"The next unfilled position on your Cabinet, sire, is that of Court Artist," says the Chancellor, with a slight grimace, "Slightly extracurricular, of course, but vital in that he will paint the portrait of you that will hang for all time in the Hall of Kings." [[We have a Hall of Kings?->The Hall of Kings]] [[We have a Court Artist? Sheesh, we just love spending money, don't we?->Wasting Money]] [[Alright, who did you have in mind this time?->Potential Artists]]

"I am... Sure you know what you're doing, sire. But when your castle is up in flames—and it will be, that's not a threat, just a fact—then don't look at me for help," and Wulfenbrock storms out. "I think you made the right choice," smiles the Chancellor, fishily. [[Let's just get this over with already.->Next Up on the Cabinet]]

With injured dignity and palpable awkwardness, Lord Borkhelm and Admiral Wulfenbrock set to helping Ole Rusty find his tuna sandwich, which he peculiarly seems to expect to be in the throne room somewhere. The Chancellor looks on with a pointedly disappointed expression. [[Cummon, Chancey, help them out here!->Chancellor Sandwich Hunt]] [[Maybe you left it somewhere else, Rusty.->Rusty Departure]] [[I can't believe the realm's two greatest knights can't find a simple tuna sandwich.->Incompetent Lords]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1)

"Aye, milord, that 'swot I'll do, you ken count on it, cross m'heart and all. Lovely day to you and the Chan'sler," says Ole Rusty, before bowing himself out to continue pursuing his elusive sandwich. "Hem, hem," coughs the Chancellor, as Lord Borkhelm and Admiral Wulfenbrock show themselves angrily out, "Very interesting, hem... Choice. Let's, hem, move on, shall we?" [[Yeah yeah, what's next on the roster?->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[I sure hope he finds his sandwich.->Next Up on the Cabinet]]

Admiral Wulfenbrock looks appalled. The Chancellor is giving you all kinds of looks, most of which would probably be censored if they were to be put into words, and Lord Borkhelm looks near fainting. [[What, are you guys freaking deaf? Hurry it up, Latrine Keeper Wulfenbrock! And wash your hands before you touch the sandwiches!->Latrine Keeper Wulfenbrock]] [[I'm KIDDING guys, sheesh, don't be so serious! You can all go now.->Moving On]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1)

"My dear king, I am your Lord High Chancellor, I am not the man to be—" [[Yeah, yeah, cut the baby act and help the man find his sandwich, you old bum.->Lord High Sandwich Finder]]

"Aye, maybe you're right, milord. I'll jus' be a-go'n wot to attend me new duties, now. Lovely day to you all," and with that Ole Rusty departs, leaving a rather strong odor behind him. Lord Brockhelm and Admiral Wulfenbrock look at each other with murderous if confused indignation, and then stalk out of the room. [[Alright, who's next?->Next Up on the Cabinet]]

"B-b-but my dear king, I mean, your majesty, I've never—" stammers Lord Borkhelm, looking more nervous than offended now. "My dear king!" blusters Admiral Wulfenbrock, "I am an Admiral and a war hero, it is not my business to find the misplaced lunches of latrine-keepers!" "Let 'sall take a wot bit of a breath here, aye? No need to get inna tizzy," says Ole Rusty, raising his hands pacifyingly. [[Ole Rusty's right, let's just move on.->Moving On]] [[It's your freaking business if I tell you it is, Wulfenbrock, you upstart!->Wulfrenbrock is an upstart]] [[Ole Rusty, throw Lord Borkhelm in the very depths of my dungeon for his incompetence.->The Very Depths]] (set: $dungeonPrisoner to "Borkhelm")

With great dignity and the slightest hint of wrath, the Chancellor gets ponderously down on all fours and begins poking about for the alleged tuna sandwich. "You needn't trouble yer majesty, 'salright, really. Just me lunch, 'sall," says Ole Rusty, raising great clouds of dust from behind your throne. [[Maybe you should just get yourself some new lunch. Go fix him up, Lord Borkhelm and Admiral Wulfenwhatever.->Go Get This Man a Sandwich]] [[Keep looking, come on! It's the Minister of Defense's sandwich!->Finding the Sandwich]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 3)

Glaring at you with eyes of death, Lord Borkhelm and Admiral Wulfenbrock escort Ole Rusty away to the kitchens, Rusty babbling politely away all the while. The Chancellor looks rather like he ate a thistle. [[One down, however many more to go! What's up next?->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[Well, that's over. What nutcase do I need to hire next?->Next Up on the Cabinet]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1)

"Hem, sire, I appear to have found it," interrupts Lord Borkhelm stiffly, after another half an hour of poking around. "Me tuna sammich!" exclaims Ole Rusty, "Very kind of ye. Real gent you are." You feel a profound sense of completion, like you've accomplished something truly great today, something that will be remembered down through the generations. [[All in a day's work. Off you all go now. What's next on the list, Chancey?->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now scram, you lot. Chancey, let's hurry this up, huh?->Next Up on the Cabinet]] (set: $sandwich to 1)

Lord Borkhelm and Admiral Wulfenbrock leave in a muted huff, Borkhelm not making eye contact and Wulfenbrock holding his nose a wot bit high in the air. Ole Rusty follows at a distance, bowing politely before going off to continue his quest for his sandwich. [[Alright, Chancey, what's the next Cabinet position we gotta fill?->Next Up on the Cabinet]]

"UPSTART!?" cries Admiral Wulfenbrock, with barely contained fury, "Your majesty, if you were not king I would strike you for such an insult!" "Woah, woah, howzabout we jus' take a wot bit of a chill here, aye? No need t'get violent, now. I am Minister of Defense now 'n' all," warns Ole Rusty, cheerfully. [[Well go ahead, Wulfy, I'm game if you are. Bring it on.->A Duel to the Death]] [[That you are, Rusty. Throw this moron in the very depths of my dungeon.->The Very Depths]] [[Rusty's right. Let's just move on, shall we? Scram, you lot.->Moving On]] (set: $deathMeans to "Duel") (set: $dungeonPrisoner to 0)

"Tha' very depths?" says Ole Rusty, shocked. [[The very depths.->To the Dungeon?]] (if: $deathMeans is "Duel")[(set: $dungeonPrisoner to "Wulfenbrock")]

"Aw, 'ese sammiches are 'eavenly, milord," says Ole Rusty appreciatively, "Reals 'plendid. I s'pose I ought to be goin' now. Lovely day to y' folks." Lord Borkhelm sneaks out with Ole Rusty, just glad to have left with his position intact. Admiral Wulfenbrock is boiling over with rage. "My DEAR king," he says, in not at all a dear way, "I am Admiral Wulfenbrock Von Couq! I've put my LIFE on the line for this kingdom, and you're going to have me keeping the keys to your toilets for a reward!?" [[Yeah, I am. Deal with it, Mr. Von Couq.->Wulfenbrock Stalks Away]] [[Here are the keys. Try not to lose them, Wulfy.->Wulfenbrock Stalks Away]] (set: $chancellorMad to it + 3)(set: $latrineKeeper to 1)

Silently, his eyes rolling with rage and the vein on his balding forehead standing out like a rope, Admiral Wulfenbrock stalks away. The Chancellor does not look happy. [[Alright, Chancey-man, what position we filling next? Butcher, baker, candlestick maker? Lay it on me, I'm on a roll!->Next Up on the Cabinet]] [[Okay, Mr. Pouty-pants, what's next?->Next Up on the Cabinet]]

"I will gladly seek satisfication! My honour must be defended, even against my king!" says Admiral Wulfenbrock, drawing his rapier with a flourish, "To the death!" "You want me t'hinterfere, milord?" asks Ole Rusty, hefting his spear apprehensively. [[Okay, yeah, you're nuts, Wulfy. Throw him in the very depths of the dungeon, Rusty.->The Very Depths]] [[To the death, you stupid, self-important...->The King is Dead]]

//(if: $deathMeans is "Duel")[You were buried the next day, beneath an elegant marble headstone. The Chancellor officiated the service, with the blessing of the new King Borkhelm, sometime Lord of Puhpet. Admiral Wulfenbrock was executed for treason later that afternoon, and King Borkhelm reigned unchallenged so long as he always agreed with the Chancellor.](if: $deathMeans is "Paper")[You formally abdicated the next day, much to your surprise, per the order of the Chancellor's document you blindly signed. The Chancellor went on to rule in your stead for the next sixty years as "Regent", while you flipped burgers at the local tavern until your untimely death in a tragic fry vat accident.](if: $deathMeans is "Goose")[You died really early on in the game, because you were stupid enough to let the creepy Chancellor meddle with your food after you succeeded your mysteriously murdered father to the throne. You got a really nice funeral, though. They didn't even serve goose. The Chancellor did waive the usual autopsy, though, and also became Royal Regent and ruled with an iron fist for the next sixty years.](if: $deathMeans is "BorkCouq")[You died a few moments later, after Michael DeHangio forced an expertly-mixed posion down your throat. You knew that guy wasn't a real artist. At your funeral the next day the Chancellor expressed his sincerest sorrow over the sudden heart attack that had taken your life, and then promptly crowned Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet as his puppet king.](if: $deathMeans is "Bork")[You were killed the next day at your first royal address, when a stray salutatory cannon shot fired under the supervision of Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet, Minister of Defense, struck your balcony. A day of solemn mourning was proclaimed by the Chancellor, during which he played golf(if: $artist is "Emilia")[ and Emilia wept many tears because she hadn't gotten to finish your portrait]. The next day, the Chancellor crowned Lord Borkhelm king, as the last man promoted by your majesty and de facto heir, and King Borkhelm reigned with a minimum of machismo and did everything the Chancellor told him to.](if: $deathMeans is "Wulf")[(if: $artist is "Emilia")[The next day, Admiral Wulfenbrock Von Couq led the entire palace guard in a bloody couq. The rugby field was torched, and the throne room was overrun while Emilia Erstwhile was painting your portrait. The battle was brief and bloody, and Emilia was killed horribly by Admiral Wulfenbrock, but not before putting up a valiant fight with a polearm from a nearby suit of armour, buying you enought time to flee screaming out the window like a ninny. You survived the fall and spent the rest of your life in hiding with nothing but a half-finished picture of your chin, and Lord Wulfenbrock started a new dynasty of brutality and martial law.](if: $artist is not "Emilia")[The next day, Admiral Wulfenbrock Von Couq led the entire palace guard in a bloody couq, during which you were brutally killed. The rugby field was torched, the throne room taken, the castle burned, and the entire country secured by the rebels. Wulfenbrock then started a new, martial dynasty, and he and his descendants reigned horribly over the kingdom for years. Nice job.]](if: $deathMeans is "Michael")[You reigned happily for the next two weeks, until you took a sip of a funny-tasting drink brought to you by your Court Artist, Michael DeHangio, and died of a cunning poison (much to the tearful horror of Ole Rusty). The Chancellor pronounced you dead of a heart attack and attempted to take over in your stead as Royal Regent, but Ole Rusty reported the poisoning to the press, and so the kingdom was torn by civil war for the next twenty years. Eventually Ole Rusty's rebels won the war, but you were still dead.](if: $deathMeans is "Long")[The next day was perfectly ordinary, as was the next and the one after that. Your reign wound up long and happy and full of merry games of magic rugby with your Minister of Defense. By and by you found a lovely Queen(if: $artist is "Emilia")[, and Emilia Erstwhile fell madly in love with Ole Rusty and married him, much to his surprise and delight]. And everyone, aside from the Chancellor(if: $chancellorMad > 15)[ (whose heart eventually exploded from stress)], Lord Borkhelm, Admiral Wulfenbrock, and Michael DeHangio, lived happily ever after.] //Over the course of your (if: $deathMeans is not "Long")[brief ]reign, you.. -(if: $minister is not 0)[Appointed $minister as your Minister of Defense.](if: $minister is 0)[Appointed no one to be your Minister of Defense.] -(if: $artist is not 0)[Appointed $artist as your Court Artist.](if: $artist is 0)[Appointed no one as your Court Artist.](if: $latrineKeeper is 1)[ -Appointed Wulfenbrock as the keeper of the keys to the peasants' latrine.](if: $chancellorMad > 0)[ -Annoyed the Chancellor to the factor of the arbitrary number $chancellorMad.](if: $chancellorMad < 0)[(set: $chancellorMad to $chancellorMad * -1) -Actually pleased the Chancellor to an arbitrary but measurable degree of $chancellorMad.](if: $fourthWall is 1)[ -Broke the fourth wall.] -And (if: $dungeonPrisoner is "Borkhelm")[sent Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet (if: $dungeonMichael is 1)[and Michael DeHangio] to rot miserably in the](if: $dungeonPrisoner is "Wulfenbrock")[sent Admiral Wulfenbrock (if: $dungeonMichael is 1)[and Michael DeHangio] to simmer angrily in the](if: $dungeonPrisoner is 0 and $dungeonMichael is 0)[sent no one of note to the](if: $dungeonPrisoner is 0 and $dungeonMichael is 1)[sent Michael Dehangio to the] very depths of the dungeon. (if: $sandwich is 1)[But, most importantly, you found Ole Rusty's sandwich.](if: $sandwich is 0)[But you never found Ole Rusty's sandwich.] //[[Play Again->The King Cometh]]//

(if: $dungeonPrisoner is "Borkhelm")["B-bb-but your //majesty//," whines Lord Borkhelm of Puhpet, in shock. "Sire, if I may, failing to find a tuna sandwich is hardly a crime deserving of—" begins the Chancellor, incredulous. (set: $chancellorMad to it + 3) [[THE VERY DEPTHS.->To the Dungeon]]](if: $dungeonPrisoner is "Wulfenbrock")["What!? How DARE you, your majesty! I assure you, this is not the the last you'll hear of me!" cries Admiral Wulfenbrock, as Ole Rusty hauls him away. (set: $chancellorMad to it + 2) [[Yes it is.->To the Dungeon]]]

(if: $dungeonPrisoner is "Borkhelm")["Now now, no need t'make a scene, 'salright," says Ole Rusty, as he ecorts the dazed Lord Borkhelm out of the throne room, "The dungeon really ain't 'sbad, 'specially with the free lunches 'n' all." Admiral Wulfenbrock looks dignified daggers at you and stalks out of the room after them. [[All in a day's work. What's next on the list, Chancey?->Next Up on the Cabinet]]](if: $dungeonPrisoner is "Wulfenbrock")[The Chancellor straightens his collar in a disapproving sort of way. "I can't help but feel that was rather, hem, uncalled for," he says, fishily. Lord Borkhelm doesn't say a word, merely making himself scarce as quickly as he can, shaking from head to boots. [[The guy had it coming. Anyway, what's next on this whole Cabinet thing?->Next Up on the Cabinet]]]

"I would tolerate no other, sire," says the Chancellor, his nose slightly in the air, as if he's proud of the fact that he doesn't think he offended you. You really hate this guy. [[Whatever. Let's just do this Cabinet thing already.->Defense Candidates]] [[You know what, I've had it with you. I'm gonna go play some magic rugby.->Magic Rugby]]

"Was not, sire," says the Chancellor, stiffly, "wouldn't dream of it." [[Ahuh. Whatever. Let's just do this stupid Cabinet thing, and we'll talk later.->Defense Candidates]]

"Are you sure, sire? I distinctly remember you saying it," says the Chancellor, as if you're the crazy one. [[You distinctly remember a lot of things, Chancey.->The Chancellor's Memory]] (if: $phase is 0)[[[Whatever. Let's just do this Cabinet thing.->Select Staff]]](if: $phase is "ministerDown")[[[Whatever. I guess let's just do this next Cabinet thing.->Next Up on the Cabinet]]]

"Well, sire, it is only natural for the Chancellor to... Infer your majesty's will and desires," says the Chancellor, in his most fishy way, "You wouldn't want to do everything yourself, now would you?" (if: $phase is 0)[[[Well, I wanna do this Cabinet thing myself, so let's hurry up and do it.->Select Staff]]](if: $phase is "ministerDown")[[["Well, I wanna do this Cabinet thing myself, so let's just move onto the next guy or whatever."->Next Up on the Cabinet]]]

"Sire, this is kind of important. Unless you want me to appoint your Cabinet for you, I suggest you—" begins the Chancellor. (if: $phase is 0)[[[Okay, okay, my gosh, I'll do it. So pushy.->Select Staff]]](if: $phase is "ministerDown")[[[Okay, okay, we can do more stinking Cabinet stuff.->Next Up on the Cabinet]]] [[Do the busywork for me? That's the first smart thing you've said all day.->Leave it to the Chancellor]]

"Would you mind, hem, putting that in writing...?" asks the Chancellor, proffering you pen and paper and a sticky wax royal seal with the fishiest of smiles. [[Sure, whatever gets you out of my hair.->The King is Dead]] (if: $phase is 0)[[[You know what, actually, maybe I'd better do it myself...->Select Staff]]](if: $phase is "ministerDown")[[[I don't like the way you're smiling at me. I'm gonna finish this myself.->Next Up on the Cabinet]]] (set: $deathMeans to "Paper")

The Chancellor smiles in this really weird way. You can't tell if he's trying not to laugh at you or if he's just breaking a little wind. [[Well ARE YOU!?->Really calling me fat]] [[You just farted, didn't you?->Chancellor farts]]

"The chef just likes goose," says the Chancellor, "They're having it for lunch, too." [[Well I hate it. Make the freaking chef cook something edible for once.->No More Goose]] [[Yuckgh! Let's do this Cabinet thing so we don't have to eat more of the weirdest farm bird ever.->Select Staff]]

"Sire, are you going to appoint your Cabinet or not?" asks the Chancellor, glowering. [[Okay, FINE, but if I starve I'm having you hanged.->Select Staff]]

"No, hem hem, of course not, I would never dream of it," insists the Chancellor, "You figure is very, hem..." He hastily changes the subject, "Seeing as lunch isn't ready at this hour, you may as well attend to this Cabinet business." [[Okay, whatever, but let it be known you're hardly one to talk about weight.->Select Staff]]

The Chancellor is silent for a moment. "It is not impossible," he says. [[...->Select Staff]]

"Would you like me to... Go down there and have a, hem, word with the chef?" asks the Chancellor, looking unusually creepy all of a sudden. [[You know, I was gonna say yes, but now that you make that face I'm gonna go with no. Let's just do this, uh, Cabinet thing, yeah.->Select Staff]] [[Yeah, you do that, big guy. Tell him I don't wanna see another pint of freaking goose again.->The King is Dead]] (set: $deathMeans to "Goose")

"The Court Artist has been a royally appointed position for some two hundred years, sire," says the Chancellor, primly. [[What'd I tell you? Love spending money. Well, I guess we oughta continue in our proud tradition.->Potential Artists]] [[Wow, what a waste. Maybe we should just... Not appoint one for once.->Waste of Time]]

"Indeed, sire," says the Chancellor, "Though it does not surprise me that a man of your, hem, lethargy was not aware." [[What's that supposed to mean?->Don't Get Up a Lot]] [[Whatever. Are we gonna pick ourselves a crayon man, or what?->Potential Artists]]

"There are two eminent artists who I believe would be the most advantageous to appoint: Michael DeHangio and Emilia Erstwhile. I took the liberty of inviting them to the castle and plying them with biscuits and coffee for the past two hours," says the Chancellor. [[Um, okay, show them in.->The Artists]] [[You sure do take a lot of liberties.->Liberties]]

"You are the king, sire. But might I suggest that defying tradition would be—" begins the Chancellor. You can smell a lecture on the rise. [[Aw, pish posh apple sauce, let's just skip it, Chancey.->Total Waste of Time]] [[Okay, okay, fine, we'll hire a stupid artist.->Potential Artists]]

"Well, hem, sire... You don't really, hem, get out of that throne very much," says the Chancellor, delicately. [[Hey, I play magic rugby and stuff!->I do stuff]] [[Oh whatever, Chancey.->Potential Artists]]

"Hallo, I am Michael DeHangio of Hanger, eminent ar//teest//. Ze Chancellor has said you were interest//eed// in my servic//eese//." says Michael Dehangio, entering with a flourish of his moustache. [[That's a fake accent.->Fake Accent]] [[Where's Emilia?->Where's Emilia]]

"Merely trying to save your majesty some time," says the Chancellor, with an especially creepy smile. [[Surrrre....->The Artists]]

"No eet ees nowt," insists Michael, with a glare. [[Yes it is.->Yes it is.]] [[Whatever, Mickey. So where's Emilia?->Where's Emilia]]

"Ees nutt," says Michael. "Sire, I'm not sure this is of conse—" begins the Chancellor. [[Is too.->Is too!]]

"Oh, she'll be along," the Chancellor assures you, in a slippery sort of way, "Meantime, why not get to know Mishail here?" "Eet's Michael. My-kill," says Michael. [[Wait a minute, Emilia's, like, the first woman that's even been mentioned for the past, like, half an hour. This game is so sexist.->Sexist]] [[No, I wanna talk to Emilia. Michael has cooties.->More Emilia]] (set: $loop1 to 1)

"Yor majest//ee// is ver//ee// funn//ee//," says Michael, laughing nervously. [[And "yor" accent is ver//ee// fake//y//.->Fakey]] (if: $loop1 is 0)[[[Wasn't there supposed to be a second artist?->Where's Emilia]]]

"Okay, look, you want a nice-looking portrait or not, buster?" asks Michael DeHangio, dropping his Hangerian accent with a glower. [[Ha, I knew you were a fake!->Knew he was a fake]] [[Not if your drawing skills are as phony as your accent, pal. Throw this imposter in the very depths of my dungeons, Chancey!->Michael to the dungeons]]

"Good for you, kingy pants," snaps Michael DeHangio. The Chancellot gives you both a rather dark look. (if: $loop1 is 0)[[[Wasn't there, like, some other artist? Emilia Whatserbucket or something? Somebody besides Mickey here?->Where's Emilia]]](if: $loop1 is 1)[[[Wasn't there, like, another artist? Emilia Erstwhile or whatever? Somebody besides Mickey boy here?->More Emilia]]]

"Sire, you can't throw him in the dungeons for having a fake accent!" cries the Chancellor. (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1) (if: $minister is "Ole Rusty")[[[Watch me, bro.->Michael dungeons]]](if: $minister is "Wulfenbrock")[[[Watch me, bro.->Michael dungeons Wulf]]](if: $minister is "Borkhelm")[[[Watch me, bro.->Michael dungeons Bork]]] [[Oh, //fine//. Wasn't there some other artist or something? Emilia or whatever?->More Emilia]]

"Sire, I'm sure it's just a coincidence," says the Chancellor, with a weak sort of smile. "Yees, yees, co-in-see-dence," insists Michael. [[Oh, I hardly think so, bigot.->The Chancellor is a bigot.]] [[There's been this big whoop-la about the King, but what about the Queen? What happened to my mother? Do I even HAVE a mother?->My mother?]] (set: $fourthWall to 1)

"Well hello, you must be the king! It's funny, the guard took nearly an hour showing me up here. If I didn't know better I would've thought they were trying to get rid of me, haha!" laughs Emilia Erstwhile, walking in at last. "Apparentl//ee// zhey didn't try hard eenough," mutters Michael DeHangio. [[So, like, what makes either of you guys qualified to be artists or whatever?->Qualifications for artistry]] [[You know what, let's just make Emilia Court Artist. I don't like Mickey's attitude.->Michaels Bad Attitude]] [[Mickey's kind of a turdburglar, isn't he? I like that about him, though. Let's have a Court Artist with attitude!->Michael FTW]]

"Well, sire, if I'd brought two female artists here, then that might've implied girls can only be artists and not Ministers of Defense, and, well—" stammers the Chancellor, looking flustered. (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1) [[Why didn't you suggest any women for Minister of Defense, then?->No Girl Ministers]] [[Yeah, yeah, I don't need your excuses. Bring in Emilia already.->More Emilia]]

"It's implied she died some time ago," explains the Chancellor. Michael looks confused. [[My mom is DEAD!? First my dad, and now my mom? What the heck! This game is awful!->Awful game]] [[That sounds ominous. My parents have a way of disappearing mysteriously, don't they? And yet the Chancellor always survives...->Surviving Chancellor]]

"Well, hem, you know, I was simply trying to reccomend the realm's greatest knights and lords..." says the Chancellor. "Zee great//eest//," echoes Michael DeHangio. [[What, so girls can't be knights, huh? Wake up, man, it's the fifth century!->Fifth Century]] [[Whatever, dude. Let it formally be known that you're stupid, though.->More Emilia]]

"You should give it some credit for breaking the fourth wall, though. Don't forget that when you review it," says the Chancellor, sweating slightly. "Vat are vee ev//een// talk//een// abut? I eem so khonfoosed," says Michael. [[That accent is totally fake, Michael.->Yes it is.]] [[Pff, you think I'm going to review this, haha. I've got actual stuff to do with my life, Chancey. Anyway, where the heck is Emilia?->More Emilia]]

"Heheh, I guess some people have all the luck, heheh..." says the Chancellor, straightening his collar nervously. [[Funny how that works out...->More Emilia]]

"I'm so glad you asked, your majesty! As you may know, I painted the frescoes on the ceiling of the Stunnificent Chapel on Mount Thunderglass. That was quite a job, I tell you! Took me nearly eight months to do it, and of course I had to do the whole thing upside-down. I've also done some work for—" begins Emilia. "Vell, I have drawn man//ee// draw//eens//," interrupts Michael, shortly. "Yes, yes, hem, I'm sure His Majesty gets the picture," says the Chancellor, "Sire, might I suggest we hire Michael DeHangio? He seems the more qualified." [[Emilia Erstwhile actually sounds like she's done stuff, so let's go ahead and hire her.->Emilia FTW]] [[I don't know about qualified, Chancey, but I love his stupid accent. Mickey man forever!->Michael FTW]]

"Of course, sire," says the Chancellor, looking rather miffed, "I apologize." (set: $chancellorMad to it + 1) [[Whatever, dude.->More Emilia]]

"Why thank you, your majesty!" says Emilia, "I'll get to work on your portrait right away—" "Vat attitude do you mean, your majest//ee//?" demands Michael, infuriated. (set: $chancellorMad to it + 3)(set: $artist to "Emilia") [[That attitude, Mickey.->Lunch is Here]]

"Oh, hey there 'gin, milord! Send'n somebody(if: $dungeonPrisoner is not 0)[ else] down wot t'the very depths, aye? Happy to 'blige. C'mon, Mike, there y' are, nice 'n' easy." "Hey, wait, buster, you can't do this! A little dignity isn't a crime! This is totally unfair! You're a tyrant, I say, a TYRANT—!" screams Michael, as he's dragged out the door. (set: $dungeonMichael to 1)(set: $chancellorMad to it + 3) [[Man, sometimes it's good to be me.->Good to be me]] [[I've decided—let's not even have a Court Artist. It's a total waste of time that could be spent playing rugby or something actually worthwhile.->Total Waste of Time]]

"Of course, sire," says the Chancellor, in almost a groan. He looks remarkably angry with you. Or at least angrier than normal. [[So... Wasn't there some other artist or somebody?->Back to Emilia]]

"Whatever you like, sire, of course," says the Chancellor, with a very fixed smile, "We can put off all this Cabinet business till later, in fact, if you like." [[YES, thank you! If you need me I'm gonna be out on the field playing some magic rugby.->The King is Dead]] (if: $minister is "Borkhelm")[(set: $deathMeans to "Bork")] (if: $minister is "Wulfenbrock")[(set: $deathMeans to "Wulf")] (if: $minister is "Ole Rusty")[(if: $artist is "Michael")[(set: $deathMeans to "Michael")](if: $arist is not "Michael")[(set: $deathMeans to "Long")]]

"Do you seriously want me to imprison an artist, your majesty?" says Admiral Wulfenbrock, storming in imperiously, "What exactly would be the point?" "Yeah, the point!" echoes Michael DeHangio. [[The point, Wulfy, is I want him thrown in the dungeon!->Wulfenbrock takes Michael]] [[Oh, fine, I won't throw him in the dungeon. Just get him out of here, Wulfy.->No Michael dungeon]]

"You want this man thrown in the dungeons, your majesty?" says Lord Borkhelm, striding in at your call, "Well, you called the right man. I'll have him out of here in no time—" But the Chancellor cuts him short. "I don't think that'll be necessary, my dear Lord Borkhelm," he says, with his creepiest smile yet. [[Um... What?->Borkhelm Couq]]

"As you please, your majesty," says Wulfenbrock, stiffly. He leads the silent and rather sweaty Michael DeHangio out of the throne room, leaving you and the Chancellor alone. [[You know, this has been a total waste of time. Maybe we should just skip the whole Court Artist thing.->Total Waste of Time]] [[Well, let's see that other artist now, shall we?->Back to Emilia]]

"Of course, //coughcoughyoutyrantcoughcough///, hem, your majesty," says Wulfenbrock, through seemingly gritted teeth. He stalks out of the room, leading Michael by the arm. (set: $dungeonMichael to 1)(set: $chancellorMad to it + 3) [[Man, sometimes it's good to be me.->Good to be me]] [[You know, this has been a complete waste of time. Let's just not have a Court Artist, shall we?->Total Waste of Time]]

The Chancellor gives Lord Borkhelm a meaningful look. Lord Borkhelm doesn't seem to get it. "Are ve doing zee couq now or someth//een//?" asks Michael DeHangio. "//Oh//, the couq, right, right!" exclaims Lord Borkhelm, "I wasn't sure, is that still on, Chancellor?" "Well, it is //now!//" cries the Chancellor, in exasperation, "Seize the King! Mix up that poison, Michael! Hold him still, Borkhelm! I said STILL!" [[I can't believe this...->The King is Dead]] (set: $deathMeans to "BorkCouq")

"Well hello, you must be the king! It's funny, the guard took forever showing me up here, and when we finally found the waiting room he said you were busy talking to some guy named Michael," says Emilia Erstwhile, finally appearing. [[Huh, that is funny, aye, Chancellor?->Funny, aye]] (if: $dungeonMichael is 1)[[[Yeah, that was the last artist. I just threw him in the dungeon 'cause I didn't like his stupid accent, so you better wow me.->Wow me]]]

"Why thank you, your majesty!" says Emilia, "I'll get to work on your portrait for the Hall of Kings right away!" She departs with a polite curtsey. "Zou are mak//een// a terribubble meestake," snaps Michael, before leaving in a huff. "Zou know noth//een// about art!" he shouts, as he wanders out into the hall. (set: $artist to "Emilia")(set: $chancellorMad to it + 3) [[Neither do you, Mickey Moustache!->Lunch is Here]]

Michael looks simultaneously flattered and offended. And somehow a bit too pleased with himself. "Zhank zou, zour majest//ee//," he says, "Zou vill nowt bee dis-ee-point-ted." He departs with his long nose high in the air, and Emilia Erstwhile follows after a miffed curtsey. (set: $chancellorMad to it - 2)(set: $artist to "Michael") [[Such a fun accent.->Lunch is Here]]

There is a sudden clatter of wheeled trays on marbled floors. "Your majesty, lunch has arrived," says the Chancellor, not looking entirely happy about it, "We can postpone the rest of this Cabinet business till another day." [[YES! Finally!->The King is Dead]] (if: $minister is "Borkhelm")[(set: $deathMeans to "Bork")] (if: $minister is "Wulfenbrock")[(set: $deathMeans to "Wulf")] (if: $minister is "Ole Rusty" and $artist is "Michael")[(set: $deathMeans to "Michael")] (elseif: $minister is "Ole Rusty" and $arist is not "Michael")[(set: $deathMeans to "Long")]

"Of course you do, sire," says the Chancellor, "Now let's move onto this Court Artist business, shall we?" [[Fine.->Potential Artists]]

"I don't know what you're talking about, sire," says the Chancellor, looking suspiciously innocent. [[Anyway, Emilia—it's Emilia, right?—what exactly makes you qualified to be a Court Artist and... Stuff.->Wow me]]

"Well, um, I painted the frescoes on the ceiling of the Stunnificent Chapel on Mount Thunderglass. Spent about eight months doing that—rather tricky work, have to do it all upside-down, you know. I also worked on the Ninety Murals around Mimrith Falls—you know, up in the Stoneshear Mountains? It's crazy, those crags up there are full of werwolf monkeys and Jebs. I practically had to work with a sword in one hand and a paint brush in the other, haha," says Emilia, indicating with her hands how this is done. You get the feeling she could talk about art for awhile. [[Okay, okay, you've got the job already, sheesh.->Emilia is hired]] [[Blah blah blah, I'd give my life for art. Whatever, lady. I'm sick of this, just get out of here already.->Scram, Emilia]]

"Oh, that's wonderful! Thank you, your majesty! I'll get to work on your portait for the Hall of Kings right away!" says Emilia, "And sorry if that was rather a lot, it's just when people ask me about my work—" "Yes, yes, hem, we //get it//, Emilia. You may go now," snaps the Chancellor, looking more than a little put out about everything. Emilia curtseys politely and shows herself out. (set: $chancellorMad to it + 3)(set: $artist to "Emilia") [[Well that was kinda rude, Chancey. Someone forgot to take his happy pills.->Lunch is Here]]

Emilia looks offended, and ever-so-slightly hurt. "As you please, your majesty," she snaps, eyes blazing. She turns and stalks out of the room. [[What's her problem, eh?->Lunch is Here]]