You dock at the nearest island and party. You drink rum and eat whale blubber and gallivant late into the night. \nIn the morning most of the whale's bad because you didn't put it in the fridge but who gives a crab? You're like Ishmael or Robinson Crusoe or someone. \n\nGo you!
You wait until the cover of darkness, then you leap onto the tethered whale's back, swim beneath it, and slice its throat with a sword (you're a fantastic swimmer, pegleg be damned). \nThat takes about 7 minutes. \nWhen you surface the crew cheers. They pull you from the ocean's thighs, you drip red with blood. \n\nTime to:\n[[Party!|Party]]\n[[Harvest that endangered species you just killed|Sure Death]]
Maniacally you jump onto the whale's back and begin pummeling it. \n"This is for Pappy!"\nThe whale flips you off like a lightswitch. \nThen he swallows you whole. \n\nEventually, you die. \n\n\nBummer.
Days pass, then weeks. Nothing stirs in the great blue thighs of the ocean. One day a Herculean squid reaches up from the depths, its tentacles hungry for sailor flesh, her ink acrid as it burns through the sails. You reach for a harpoon and slay the great beast. The crew cheers. Only five men were lost, none of them that drunken first mate Pappy. It is a very boring voyage. Until one day you see him, the whale.\n[[Captain! Behind you!|Hunt]]
"Easy big fella!" you scream into the salty wind. The Captain doesn't like it, but damn it he respects it, and he shoots the next man to throw a harpoon (that drunken first mate Pappy). \n\n[[Wait the Bastarrrd out|Night]]\n[[Go for it|Death]] I take my coffee black and my whales dead.\n
Oh sweet mermaids there were so many fish Pappy. So many fish they filled the sky and the clouds, so many fish the boat was weighed down and we sank. Down to the depths of her watery thighs we went, deeper and deeper, until the Leviathan himself saw us, and swallowed us, and we survived for a week inside of him while the fat ocean's blue thighs pressed in from all sides. We had nothing to play with but wet match sticks and fish bones. Aye those were the days Pappy. Those were the days that are gone and will never return to this earth. \nAye. \n[[Wait, what about the manatee?|Manatee]] \n[[OK now seriously cut the crap let's get to work|Worktime]] \n
"Yar I heard that one" the Captain says, but you throw a harpoon that glints in the red red sun and the Captain turns, "better safe than sarrry I suppose." \nThe Captain freaks out. Seriously it's a little weird. \nYour harpoon lodges in the whale. Radical! \n[[Throw another|Lose]]\n[[Wait the bastarrrd out|Win]]
Pappy sighs, both of fuzzy memories and better times and looks at you with his one good wooden eye. A hermit crab emerges from the socket next door. You vomit, but there are whales to hunt, so you swallow your vomit, and load up. \n[[Set Sail|Whaling]]
Remember the Manatee Pappy? With her subtle grace and appetite for all things mammalian? I never thought you'd leave the sea you old dog. You kept saying, "leave me here, leave me to my mother, my sweet fat mother whose milk tastes of caramel and sings me to sleep so gently I don't have to think of the fish..."\nA lone tear rolls down Pappy's cheek. \n\n[[Tell Pappy about the time with all the fish|Fish]]\n[["Get to work you old creep, there are good Christians about,"|Worktime]] you scream a little too aggressively
You stand upon Farson's wharf. The wind whips at your beard. The crabs nibble at your pegleg. You've been on the land long, aye, its time to be held again by the rolling blue of the ocean's blue thighs. Let's hope there's no hurricanes. Three ships are docked before thee. \n[[The Magnificent Triple Breasted Mermaid|Mermaid]] \n[[The Stalwart Speckled Orca|Orca]] \nand [[The Underwhelming Schooner of Sensory Overload|Schooner]]
You hurl another harpoon at the fat legless monster. It flies high and true and gores the mighty whale in the throat and it bellows in frustration and also/mostly pain. The crew hurl their harpoons as well and soon the beast is an inverted porcupine of the sea. \nThe ocean's thighs are red with blood. \nYou leap from the boat onto the back of the Leviathan. Your pegleg punctures his soft innocent blubber and he dives. You push off from his back but there are too many ropes. They ensnare you and bind you and pull you to the depths of the ocean. \nNo fishbone and matchstick poker for you. You're dead. \n\nBummer.
The Low Seas
Joe Darris
The captain bellows to harvest the whale flesh and you hasten to obey.\nFor hours you hew flesh and pull sinew from the bones of the great beast with your teeth. When the Herculean squid comes, no one notices but you. \nYou hurl a harpoon at the squid's eye. "This one's for Pappy!" you exclaim.\nThe squid parries the blow and wraps 7 of its tentacles around your torso. He squeezes you. It feels bad. Real bad. But you ain't no chump so you pull out your dagger and slice off six of those troublesome tentacles (weren't there 7?). \n\nThe squid yanks you to the blubber and pulls you under water.\nThe last thing you hear is the Captain boast, "There goes the greatest Whaler thar evar was. Yar."\n\nYou became a legend to Whalers and literature students! \n\nGo you!
Oh gods. The magnificence of the Schooner. It's hardly anything, a crab leg in your caprese salad. Yet its glorious. More glorious than the skeleton of the great white whale that lies buried underneath your ship at home. Yet less remarkable than a business lunch, spicy mustard dabbed away with a boring tie from the corner of your mouth and of course from your pegleg also. You spin in a circle. What is love? What is hate? What is your name? What did you have for lunch? Where did you get that whale? Are you wasting your time? \n\nYou die. Bummer.
She has three breasts. Great. \n\nYou grab your bag of harpoons and heave them to Pappy, the rugged yet affectionate first mate. You and Pappy have shared many bottles of grog together... and other things (let's just say there's three of them). Pappy asks you about the old times. "Hey, do you remember the old times?" \n"Aye" you say. \nBut Pappy is unrelenting. "Tell me of them will thee?" \nTell Pappy:\n[[about that time with the manatee|Manatee]] \n[[about time with all the fish|Fish]] \n[["Shut up Pappy good Christian people are about"|Worktime]]
The Stalwart Orca is a fine vessel. Made of wood mostly, and also ropes and tar, you step aboard and inhale all the vapors that drove you to the land. You stow your bag of harpoons below the deck and ready to set sail. \n[[Ready?|Whaling]]