Golden Plan:\n\nPlease dial 1-555-MANDATE and let the operator know what religion you're affiliated with. A holy book and a religious icon of your choice will be rush shipped to your home within 7-10 business days. (What - this is the government - 2 weeks IS rush delivery!)\n\nYour name will be added to prayer rolls to over 1,000 religious groups nationwide, just in case God doesn't like your denomination. \n\nGiven the backlog of doctors now that so many hospitals and care providers are dropping out to avoid government oversight, we're anticipating long waits for some treatments, and given your age, you might not have that much time left. But with your new Golden Plan, you can rest assured in the knowledge that at least life will be better in the “Hereafter” if you believe in that sort of thing.\n\nFor the record - we don't.\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Rainbow Plan\n\nRecipients pay a onetime fee of $22,000, which includes round-trip air to Thailand and a complete gender reassignment surgery at about half the cost you'd be paying here in the states.\n\nJust show your Rainbow Plan Insurance Card at the US Consulate in Thailand you'll be on your way to getting a brand new US ID in the gender of your choice.\n\nThen, once you come back to the states, providing your Thai surgeon didn't leave any evidence of your former genitalia, you'll qualify for either a regular Male or Female Plan!\n\nThank you for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

HealthCare.gov Error Message:\n\nThe System is down at the moment.\n\nWe are experiencing technical difficulties and hope to have them resolved soon. Please try again later.\n\nIn a hurry? You might be able to apply faster at our Marketplace call center...\n\nJUST KIDDING - We're still operational - but now you need your blood pressure checked - right? So we better [[get you some insurance|1B]] so you can take care of that!

Welcome to the new Government Affordable Healthcare website!\n\nWe know you've experienced problems in the past, but we're up and running now - so let's get you some insurance before you get sick and die from those preexisting conditions - shall we?\n\nWould you like to [[Take a Tour of the Site|1A]] or jump right in and [[Create a User Account?|1A]]

To enroll you for your new affordable Health Care, we'll need you to answer a few questions.\n\nAre you [[MALE,|2A]] [[FEMALE|2B]] or [[OTHER|2C]]?\n

Pills? Did someone say PILLS?!? We've got LOTS of pills!\n\nDING! DING! DING! - We have a winner.\n\nNew provisions mean NO CAPS on medications - especially for the elderly! What - you're not over 65? Well you DO have a grandma don't you? Just convince her that her own home-operated pharmaceutical business is one of the millions of new jobs in the improving economy!\n\nHappy Zoning - and thanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Niiice - Ridin' the Rush hour H-train to Smack Town.\n\nGood stuff.\n\nBut if you're still in the land of the living you might want to test drive your new Health Plan's inclusive - all expense paid trip to Club Rehab. Track marks only augment so many fashion statements after all…\n\nOops! There aren't currently enough treatment centers and programs to meet the need now that EVERYBODY whose ever had a sip of cough syrup qualifies, so we'll just wait-list you for a little while.\n\nTry not to overdose in the meantime...\n\nAnd thank you for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]\n

Wow - I had you pegged for a Meth-head. Might want to get your teeth looked at. Anyhoo - in spite of several states legalizing MJ for medicinal use, your Affordable Healthcare will not *cough* up the dough to keep you mellow. If you want to go to drug treatment to combat your dependence…\n\nLOLZ! Just kidding bro! But s'rsly - until the feds decriminalize, you're still in jeopardy of loosing your job or getting locked up for taking your 'scripts' across state lines.\n\nMunchies for thought, dude.\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Dude! Bro! Duuuuuude -\n\nWe totes got your back! Under new provisions all you have to do is talk to the Parentals about staying on THEIR insurance until you turn 27. Already a college grad? No problem! Married or living with your baby mamma? No sweat. In fact, as long as your lady friend is under 27 SHE can get on HER parents' insurance too!\n\nYou're gonna have to come up with something else for the kid of course, but as long as you and your girlfriend DON'T tie the knot, your household income will probably be low enough to qualify you for some sweeeet subsidies so Jr. can get all the vaccinations and Ritalin he'll ever need…\n\nThanks for playing…\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Entering your golden years shouldn't put a strain on your wallet and your Government Health Network is here to help.\n\nForget health exams, preexisting conditions or income levels. You automatically qualify for our [[GOLDEN PLAN.|5C1]]\n\n

Great - now all we need is your monthly income, tax information from the last five years, your ethnicity, highest degree of education completed, religious affiliations, voter registration information, your shoe size, a detailed sexual history for the last 7 years and your athletic cup size. \n\nYou know what might be easier? Go ahead and log in with your Facebook or G+ account so we can just crosscheck all the data the NSA has already collected on you.\n\nOf course, we're under no obligation to keep any of your personal information secure. But once we know EVERYTHING there is to know about you, I'm sure we can come up with a one-size fits all 'custom' plan that's right for you and everybody else in your demographic!\n\nThanks for playing.\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]\n

ObamaCare - The GAME

Aww - c'mon!\n\nDon't be a square dude! I mean, you're paying for drug treatment whether you hit the water pipe or not, so you might as well Lohan out - just this once…\n\nStill not biting? Okay.\n\nJust tell me how old you are…\n\n[[18 - 26|5A]]\n[[27 - 55|5B]]\nor [[55+|5C]]\n

Welcome to the Bro page!\n\nLet's face it - Healthcare has always catered to the Stache inclined. No pesky boobie x-rays or muff spelunking here.\n\nOf course, your new insurance will cost quite a bit more, because you're paying for all those perks now - but don't sweat it! Your new BIGGER PACKAGE (like what we did there?) will also include things like drug rehab, so take a minute to let us know which narcotics you prefer...\n\n[[MaryJane|3A]] \n[[Heroin|3B]] \n[[Pills/Any and All|3C]] \n[[No thanks - I learned to 'Just Say No' as a kid.|3D]]

Female? Really? I couldn't tell with that patch of fuzz on your upper lip. Even during No-Shave November you could still Bleach...\n\nJust kidding! We can't really see you because would mean we're able to spy on you through Google Chrome enabled web cams - tsss - as if! But, s'rsly, if your bra feels a little too tight, I'll just wait here while you take it off...\n\nNo? Whatever - I'm just worried about YOUR health.\n\nAnyway, I know it's not polite, but to better serve you, we ARE going to need you age, so ladies - don't be shy!\n\nAre you:\n\n[[18 - 26|4A]] \n[[27 - 55|4B]] or \n[[55+ or Postmenapausal|4C]]

Hmmm - okay...\n\nWell, the jury's still out on healthcare for Transgenders and it's going to be fought state by state. So unless you live in New York or California, don't hold your breath for these health plans to assist you.\n\nYour best bet is the [[Rainbow Plan...|2C1]]

Congratulations! You're well on your way to a premium Healthcare plan that includes Mammograms, Pap smears, and Pre-natal care - which you won't need because it also includes FREE contraceptives!\n\nThat's right ladies - start popping those hormone-filled pills make you gain weight, cause clots in women who smoke and kill your sex drive! Now preventing pregnancy is all on you - just the way your representatives in D.C. wanted it. All the men in your life have to worry about are the constant bouts of depression and mood swings from the side effects!\n\nOh, by the way - all these great new FREE services do a mean two things:\n\nA) Your old policy that didn't cover all that stuff needs to go bye-bye by the end of 2014 and…\nB) Your new policy will cost about three times what your old one costs - but hey - it's QUALITY now.\n\nIsn't America great?\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Post menopausal -eh? Well, until you're old enough for Medicare that doesn't really matter. You get to help fund the cost of healthcare for ALL women, including their free contraception and pre-natal care.\n\nYep. You're covered too, whether your ovaries are still squeezing out monthly lady caviar or not.\n\nSure, you survived paying for your own BC back in the day and you're not too keen on the government knowing the annual yield of cells growing on your cervix.\n\nThe silver lining? With limited treatment options for many conditions once you get past a 'certain age' at least those little freeloading, 'free love' hippie bitches won't be mooching off of YOUR hard earned cash much longer…\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

You do realize you could be on your parents' health plan right now - right?\n\nAre you here because:\n\n[[You didn't know your parents could still insure you?|4A1]]\n\n[[You don't want your parents insurance because you have 'Daddy Issues?'|4A2]]\n\nOr [[You're trying to be a responsible young adult and take care of your own needs?|4A3]]

S'rsly? You DIDN'T hear about the provision allowing parents to continue to insure their children up to the age of 26 even after college graduation? I sincerely hope you're NOT a college graduate, because you'd have to be living in a 1950's fallout shelter to have missed that headline. And you wonder why people talk smack about Millennials…\n\nSo - now that you DO know, it's time to have a heart to heart with dear old Mom and Dad to make sure you're enrolled so you don't get stuck with any nasty tax penalties in April, cause that would be a serious BUMMER…\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

'Nough said - to thine own self be true…\n\nOh, you like that? I saw it on a tattoo once. Your tattoo is where??? Next to your pierced whaaat???\n\nSo what are you wearing right now?\n\nSweet…\n\nYa, know, once we get you signed up for free birth control you'll have health care - er I mean…\n\nAwww yeah girl - just make sure to fill out that personal information form and I'll pick you up for drinks later…\n\nThanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Great news - for us...\n\nBack before the government started looking out for your best interests, a healthy young person could pick up a minimalistic plan for under $500 a year.\n\nBut now, your youthful disease-free bod is the exact commodity the we're leveraging in order to reduce costs for the elderly, poor and sickly. So you get to pay bigger premiums for larger deductibles in order to avoid paying annual tax penalties. Oh yeah - you heard right - tax penalties.\n\nBetween your student loans and mandatory insurance, that great entry-level job in social networking might not provide enough money to buy food every month. But hey - with the improved women's health incentives, an enterprising lady like you could always get ahead by profiting off that healthy body instead.\n\nWhat? Oh heavens no - we didn't mean selling yourself like THAT! We're just suggesting selling some of those shiny ovary pearls you call "eggs" or growing someone else's embryo inside that young health womb as a surrogate. After all, now you're covered!\n\nJust another way the new economy is working for you! Thanks for playing!\n\n[[Play Again|1B]]

Hillary J. Walker