You wake in your bed.
It feels as if you have weights tied down to your limbs dragging you into the soft mattress. You wonder if you will be swallowed entirely by the whiteness of your bed sheets.
You contemplate [[resistance->FIGHT]] versus [[acceptance->SINK]].
You look down at your skin.
It is the color of void.
Otherwise, you seem humanoid.
You sink further.
Suddenly you find yourself falling.
At first it is a slow descent, like sinking through mud, but you pick up speed.
Wind rushes past your skin and your stomach feels like it is somewhere 20 feet [[above->RECOLLECTION NO. 39a]] you.
And you [[fall->LAND]].
You walked down the same hallways you had years previous.
You felt very sad. However familiar, the school did not appear as it had before, devoid of those you loved, hated, and hadn't known at all.
Now, you were alone, in just another big, silent building.
[[Continue remembering.->RECOLLECTION NO. 39b]]
T a p .
T a p .
You have reached the end of the hallway. There is a door in front of you, slightly ajar.
You could [[push->RECOLLECTION NO. 39c]] against its surface. Or you could [[leave->LAND]].
You have arrived in an earthen space, and despite how far and fast you fell, you land like a drifting leaf.
In this circle of craggy walls, the only thing that stands is a [[mirror->SKIN]].
[[The wood feels cold. -> GHOST GIRL]]
Her curves are an abstraction.
She would feel like ice water if you tried to touch her.
Her surfaces are peacefully undulating. Rivulets run down her cheeks like pearly streams.
She glows in darkness and you stare until her eyes [[meet yours -> GRIEF]].
You learn what sadness truly means.
(set: $sadness to true)
You attempt to rise.
Your sheets suddenly stiffen. The cotton starches until it is no longer cotton, but hard white plastic, caging you down to a mattress that is collapsing in on itself, deeper and deeper and deeper.
You [[sink->SINK]]. You [[scream->RECOLLECTION NO. 127a]].
They had stood in a semi-circle before you, a half moon of arched bodies, snaggle teeth peeking out behind cold sneers, derisive glints in their eyes.
The most infuriating part was that they weren't even looking at you. They had never looked at you.
But today, perhaps, today would be the day they would see you, for the first and final time.
[[Continue remembering.->RECOLLECTION NO. 127b]]
They are laughing, so loudly, and you have never hated anything more.
[[Leap->BLOOD BOY]], or [[leave->SINK]].
An effective way to quell the fires of one's heart is to rake your nails deep against someone else's throat flesh.
The redness spills and wells in pools, and he rises, having waited all this time for this moment.
A soul made of solid blood, he [[roars->RAGE]].
You have learned what anger feels like.
(set: $anger to true)
There is no way out, and nothing much to do, either, except continue to stare at your reflection.
Briefly, your reflection ripples.
You wonder if it was just a trick of the light, or if something may be lurking [[further ahead->THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS]].
You enter the mirror, slipping through slowly. Mirrors feel gelatinous to the touch.
You have entered a new space.
It is a long hall, with velvet walls and floors. Black velvet, the material of singularities. It is the softest thing you've ever felt, flush against the soles of your feet.
The hall could go on forever, or it could be only three feet long. It is hard to tell the size of things you [[cannot fathom->RECOLLECTION NO. 347a]].
So you [[continue->THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL]].
You were inconceivably small, and inconceivably alone.
You were made of taut little wires, so thin they could pierce through skin, so weak.
And it was there, approaching, so much bigger than you, overwhelmingly so.
[[Continue remembering.->RECOLLECTION NO.347b]]
[[Stop, please.->THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL]]
You have never wanted anything more than to escape. You cannot see, except for a dark red haze, and it beats and pumps all around you. It hurts.
The vastness draws nearer. You are moving towards it, too.
You have no mouth, you cannot make a sound.
[[Please, let me leave.->THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL]]
[[I cannot.->THE GREAT CYLINDRICAL BLACKNESS]]
The door pulsates slowly with a faint light.
You push against its surface. It is as warm as bath water, as comforting as the [[womb->WARMTH]].
It is so much bigger than you, that you cease to exist altogether. You just remember your paralyzing [[terror->TERROR]].
You have felt fear.
(set: $fear to true)
[[THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE HALL]]
Your new space feels light a breeze on a summer's day, or perhaps the warmth of a fire on a winter night.
You are still [[alone->RECOLLECTION NO. 900a]].
But you feel you are [[nearly there->THE WHEEL]].
Looking into their face and seeing their smile was the best thing you could ever imagine.
There is nothing quite like the way a person's face lights up for the one that they love.
[[Continue remembering.->RECOLLECTION NO. 900b]]
[[Stop, please.->THE WHEEL]]
Before you hovers the wheel.
It spins and turns slowly, or quickly, you can't be sure. But it is never still, and bound by nothing.
You look down at your body of void, and long to fill it at last.
[[Approach the wheel.->STOP]]
You take their head in your hands, your fingers gently resting on the softness of their face, your palms cupping the point of their chin.
You bring them towards you, and they come, and they rest in your warmth and you in theirs.
You [[cling->RECOLLECTION NO. 900c]].
But you have time propelling you [[on->THE WHEEL]].
You flow and they flow and together you mix and fill to the brim with the feeling you have always wanted and always missed, with the feeling you have been searching for all this [[time->ECSTASY]].
You have felt happiness.
(set: $happiness to true)
(if: $anger is true and $sadness is not true and $fear is not true and $happiness is not true)[[[RAGE.->PURE]]]
(elseif: $sadness is true and $ager is not true and $fear is not true and $happiness is not true)[[[GRIEF.->PURE]]]
(elseif: $fear is true and $sadness is not true and $anger is not true and $happiness is not true)[[[TERROR.->PURE]]]
(elseif: $happiness is true and $sadness is not true and $fear is not true and $anger is not true)[[[ECSTASY.->PURE]]]
(elseif: $anger is true and $sadness is true and $fear is not true and $happiness is not true)[[[LOATHING.->COMPLEX]]]
(elseif: $anger is true and $happiness is true and $sadness is not true and $fear is not true)[[[VIGILANCE.->COMPLEX]]]
(elseif: $sadness is true and $fear is true and $anger is not true and $happiness is not true)[[[AMAZEMENT.->COMPLEX]]]
(elseif: $happiness is true and $fear is true and $anger is not true and $sadness is not true)[[[ADMIRATION.->COMPLEX]]]
(elseif: $anger is true and $sadness is true and $fear is true and $happiness is true)[[[COMPLETION.->COMPLETION.]]]
And so you turned.
(if: $anger is true)[The anger overwhelms you.]
(if: $sadness is true)[The sadness overwhelms you.]
(if: $happiness is true)[The happiness overwhelms you.]
(if: $fear is true)[The fear overwhelms you.]
Like a bright star, you sputter out.
And so you turned.
(if: $anger is true and $sadness is true)[Loathing. Self-loathing, swallowed by sadness and your indignation.]
(if: $anger is true and $happiness is true)[A taste for justice, a hateful passion.]
(if: $sadness is true and $fear is true)[A true paralysis but one that never scared, so much as sorrowed.]
(if: $happiness is true and $fear is true)[Forever out of reach.]
A little off kilter, you stumble forward, but cannot go far. Your feelings are complex but singular.
Slowly you erode until you are nothing but scattered dust.
At last, peace.
In conflict, you riot within yourself. The pieces pull and push and rip apart, and you do not last.