You’ve hiked through Snake Canyon (or is it Cavern?) once before while visiting your Uncle Howard at Red Creek Ranch, but you never noticed any cave entrance. It looks as though a recent rock slide has uncovered it.
[[To just walk past the cave entrance, turn to page 2]]
[[To go inside, turn to page 3]]You walk past the cave entrance, whistling to yourself, happy to not have any adventures today, thank you very much. Starting to tire from your hike, you turn around and head back toward the ranch, instead. Not 20 feet behind you, you run into Uncle Howard, wielding a machete. “Look kid, I didn’t go to all the trouble of hauling you out here and uncovering that cave entrance so you could just walk away. Get in the cave.” He sounds like he means it. You trudge back to the entrance.
You look over your shoulder before going inside. Uncle Howard is still there, just shaking his head menacingly and waving the machete.
[[To enter the cave, turn to page 3->To go inside, turn to page 3]]You enter the cave, and before you can take a breath, you know you’ve gone back in time. This must be some kind of Time Travel Cavern™! You go in a little deeper and your suspicions are confirmed: a group of German monks is huddled in the cave, carrying brewing equipment.
“Greetings, traveler!” one of the monks says, cheerily.
“You speak English?” you reply.
“English?” he muses, “I’m speaking German, like everyone here in Germany in 1586.”
Your instincts tell you that the cave is translating for you, and it will do so no matter where or when you go in time.
“Kinda like the TARDIS,” you mumble to yourself.
“Or the universal translator on Star Trek,” one of the monks says.
“Or the babel fish from Hitchhiker’s Guide!” chimes in another.
“Wow,” you say, “you 16th century monks sure have an in-depth knowledge of 20th century pop culture science fiction!”
The head monk nods. “You think you’re the first kid to stumble into the Cave of Time?” You shake your head, noting that ‘Cave of Time’ is probably a better name than ‘Time Travel Cavern™’. “These books were wildly popular; we’ve seen millions of time travelers. You learn things. Look, we’re brewing beer to help support our monastery. Maybe you’d like to brew one? Choose a path, and when you know what ingredients to use, you’ll be free to go.”
It doesn’t seem like you have much choice. You thank the monks for their help and continue on your way. You see two caves ahead. The cave to the left has cool air blowing through it. The cave to the right is warmer. You wonder if that will impact what kind of beer you’re expected to brew.
[[To go to the LEFT, turn to page 4]]
[[To go to the RIGHT, turn to page 11]]You follow the cool breeze blowing from the left cave. Racks of barrels line the walls. A sign above them, which you can read in English even though you know it is actually written in German, reads “Lagering Cave.” This way must lead to **lagers**! Uncle Howard will be happy; you don’t remember the last time you saw him without a can of cheap lager in his hand (in fact, you think he may have been holding one in his left hand earlier while holding a machete with the right).
Further along, you find a clan of cavemen. They eye you warily. They seem to be discussing what to do about a wooly mammoth, which is standing in the corner of the room. The mammoth is awkwardly aware that it is being judged.
[[To talk to the cavemen, turn to page 5.]]
[[To ride the mighty wooly, turn to page 6.]]You walk down the right corridor, hoping that the warm air is coming from a tropical island full of beautiful people. It isn’t.
You come to a dead end with three ways down to a lower level: a Slide, a Fire Pole, and a Ladder. A parrot flies overhead and squawks: “ALES!” Well. Either there’s a sanctuary for specially trained birds nearby, or the writer is getting lazy. I guess you’re making an **ale**.
[[To take the SLIDE, turn to page 12]]
[[To take the FIRE POLE, turn to page 13]]
[[To climb down the LADDER, turn to page 14]]You approach the cavemen, hoping to provide insight about what to do about the nearby mammoth. Unfortunately, you can’t understand their language of grunts and hoots. You assume that the Cave of Time needs a codified written language in order to translate for you and nod smugly, knowing in your heart that you are right.
You find a piece of charred wood on the ground and start drawing on the walls. You’re no artist, but you try to illustrate that you are from the 21st century, have come into the cave and been sent back in time, and that some monks told you to find beer ingredients. It takes several months of living with the cavemen, but they finally seem to understand the concept of linear time, and your story makes more sense. You also pick up some of their communication techniques, and through an elaborate series of charades and shadow puppets, they tell you that they believe they will one day evolve into Germans. In order to make this happen, they think you need to make an elixir for them.
“Great!” you think, “**German lager** it is!”
You thank them for their kindness and wander deeper into the cave, leaving them forever to their own devices.
[[Turn to page 7->Turn to page 15]]You hop on the wooly and ride like the wind! It’s the best experience in the world. His wooly hair blows in your face as you hold on for dear life. The mammoth is fast and surprisingly agile. You do some sweet turns and even a sick jump off a ramp. After far too short a time, the wooly slows down and comes to a stop. You climb off his back and hug him for making your life so much better. The wooly embraces you with his trunk. You don’t want to let go, but you hear a thin, reedy voice behind you.
“Oh wonderful, you found my wooly!”
You turn around to see that the speaker is none other than the great emancipator himself: Abraham Lincoln.
“Gerald here is my best friend in the world! He writes my speeches, directs my policy, and is just an all-around great guy.” You think to yourself that the wooly doesn’t really seem much like a “Gerald,” but who are you to judge? “You know, it sure has been tiring, winning this Civil War. Why, what I wouldn’t give for a stovepipe hat full of good, clean, **American lager**!” You tell Honest Abe that you can help him out! He shakes your hand vigorously. “Wonderful, wonderful! You’d best get to it!” He practically shoves you out the exit of the cavern, while you stammer that you wish you could spend a little more time with one of the greatest minds America has ever known.
“No time!” Lincoln squeaks. “I’ve got tickets for Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theater, and it starts in four score and seven minutes. Should be a hoot!” You turn around to warn him not to go, but all you can see is his distinctive silhouette, proudly perched atop Gerald, riding fast away from you.
[[Turn to page 7]]“Wheeee!” The slide is so much fun! Unfortunately, it dumps you out into a giant puddle.
“Well, well, well. Look who can’t keep his business dry!” A crowd laughs, and you look up to see a comical, but menacing, knight sitting atop a throne. You instantly want to punch this obnoxious knight, but you notice a crown has been newly placed on his head. He’s the new king of Scotland!
“Perhaps you should stay in my pig’s bath a little longer. It might improve the smell!” The court laughs again. You’re about to come up with a retort, but you notice a calendar on the wall that shows it is April 1298, and you vaguely recall from your history class that the British will be invading soon and this jerk will probably be dead before the month is out.
You walk out of the castle, vowing to brew a **British Ale** just to spite Sir Dry Business. As you leave the castle, you find you’re in a cave again.
[[Turn to page 15]]With great flair, you spin down the fire pole, just like you always imagined. Before you reach the ground, you notice the room is dark. As soon as you hit the floor, brightly colored spotlights swirl and reveal a stage. Bass starts thumping and you hear a voice over a speaker: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, fresh from his world tour as a member of the Birch Street Boys: NICK TYLER!” You clap politely. You’re the only one there, but Nick, a handsome young lad, reacts as if there are throngs of adoring fans.
He proceeds to sing an entire concert of songs about making soap and living in colonial America. It may be the greatest musical performance you’ve ever heard. At the end of the show, he hops off the stage and swaggers toward you.
“Hey there. What’s a pretty thing like you doing in a place like this? Can I take you home to meet my dad?” You tell Nick about the Cave of Time and the brewing monks, and it’s clear he doesn’t believe you. “Look, if you don’t want to hang out, just say so. But if you wanted to make me happy, you could make an **American ale** for those monks. Why don’t you follow me?”
Lost in his eyes, you promise to make an American ale and walk behind the stage with him. To your surprise, behind the stage is just another part of the cave, and Nick has vanished.
[[Turn to page 15]]You climb down the ladder and find yourself standing in Brussels, Belgium. You’ve never been to Brussels, but you’re sure that’s where you are. Suddenly, a car screeches to a halt beside you. A dashing man in a tuxedo opens the door. “Get in. Now.” You do as he says and get dragged into a thrilling car chase. It turns out the man is a spy, and he recruits you to his spy agency! You take a job as an international super spy. Before long, you find yourself bored with the day-to-day tedium of exciting capers, thwarting evil geniuses, and seducing beautiful people. A job’s a job, you suppose.
One night, on a mission, you find yourself back in Belgium in a luxury hotel room with a beautiful woman.
“We don’t have much time!” she coos. “But before we steal the launch codes, please spend some time here with me, Belgian Abby. People think that the beers are named for monks in abbeys brewing beers, but they’re really named for me. It would REALLY turn me on if you brewed me a **Belgian Ale**.”
“Yeah. Sure. Whatever,” you drone. She falls back on the bed and you turn around and walk out the door. Maybe there’s a more interesting job somewhere in time. To your surprise, the hotel’s door leads back into the Cave of Time!
[[Turn to page 15]]You come to a circular room in the cave. In the middle is a bearded Old Man. It looks like you woke him up.
“Welcome!” he beams. “This is my cave, I hope you’re having a good time. I present you with 3 choices. Will they lead to wonderful things and riches? Or will they lead to certain doom? Only your journey will tell!”
What a weirdo. There are 3 doors behind him. You ignore his prattling and pick one.
[[To choose the left door, turn to page 16]]
[[To choose the right door, turn to page 25]]
[[To choose the center door, turn to page 40]]You walk through the left door and find yourself on the Great Plains. A great herd of buffalo is migrating in the distance. You think that you must either be in the Old West or so far in the future that buffalo have gone extinct, been cloned, and brought back into the wild. You hear hoofbeats behind you and turn around. A friendly looking cowboy has ridden up to you. You’re still not sure it’s the Old West; this could be some kind of Westworld thing in the future.
“Howdy, stranger!” The cowboy reaches out and shakes your hand. “Name’s Tex! At least, that’s what they call me out here in the Republic of Texas.” So, either you’re in Texas, pre- 1850, or Texas secedes from the United States and forms its own republic in the distant future. “Maybe you’d like to ride along with me back to the Alamo?” Hmmmm. Is the Alamo still a functioning mission, or does he mean to take you on a tour, like in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure? Time travel is so confusing.
[[To ride with the Cowboy, turn to page 17]]
[[To ask what year it is, turn to page 23]]
[[To stay where you are, turn to page 24]]You give one last look to the weird old beardo and open the door on the right. At first, you think you may have returned back home. The area outside the cave looks familiar and nothing strikes you as out of place. Then, out of nowhere, a flying bike buzzes your head. Great, the future. But is this utopian or dystopian? Certainly this won’t just be a boring, “normal” time in history. Why would the Cave of Time do that to you?
The bike swings back around and a girl jumps off. “Hey! You! You’re not from around here are you? Where’s your tracker band?” She holds up her wrist to show an electronic device. ‘Tracker Band’ doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that this is a Utopia. Hoping that time travel has become common in the future, you tell her about the Cave of Time and your chosen adventure. She smiles. “I’m Elvira. Come with me; I’ll help you out.”
[[To go with Elvira, turn to page 26]]
[[To stay behind, turn to page 27]]You step through the door and find yourself in Samurai Japan! Cool! You see a fully armored samurai training with his sword and approach him. He asks if you’d like to spar with him. You take up a blunted sword and have a go at it. He knocks you over almost instantly.
“Get out of here, stranger! Your pale face is not welcome in my land!” Pale? Might as well make it a **pale** beer, you suppose. Defeated, but no worse for the wear, you go back to the Cave of Time. What a fun little diversion.
[[Turn to page 28]]You figure that no matter what year it is, you’re better off with a local. So you agree to return to the Alamo with Tex. He smiles and pulls you up on to his horse. You ride for a couple of hours, holding on to his waist. You wish he had another horse for you, because the smell of his filthy clothes is absolutely brutal. You ride into San Antonio, and you’re pretty sure now that you’re in 1836 (though, in the back of your head, you’ll never stop suspecting that this is a Westworld).
Tex puts you up at the Alamo, offering food and shelter in exchange for a few basic chores a day. It’s a hard life, but a happy one. At least until the Mexican Army shows up. Somehow you managed to forget what the Alamo was famous for.
Tex thrusts a rifle into your hand. “You gonna stand with us, pardner?”
[[To fight alongside Tex, turn to page 18]]
[[To run away, turn to page 19]]Rather than riding off with Tex, you ask him what year it is. “Well, now, that’s a mighty odd question. I don’t take kindly to folks askin’ questions that any sane person would know the answer to. Better take you into town and get you sorted out.” He hops off his horse and quickly ties you up with his rope. He throws you across the back of his horse and rides off.
After a full day’s riding, you come across an Old West town. Tex drags you off to the local judge and asks you to tell him your story. You tell the judge all about the Cave of Time and your beer-making quest and he starts to laugh. “Why, that’s such a far-fetched tale, it must be true! You’re free to go.” He lets you loose and escorts you into the local confectioner’s shop to make up for your troubles.
Everything tastes so sweet! **Chocolate, coconut, peanuts, vanilla**... the tastes are amazing. These would taste so nice in a good **sweet stout**. Whatever flavor you could possibly want; the choice is yours!
The confectioner adopts you and makes you his apprentice, and you live your life in the drudgery of candy making until you die in a taffy pulling accident.
THE ENDYou thank Tex for the offer, but you learned in Scouts that if you ever get lost, you should stay where you are. He rides off into the sunset, leaving you alone and lost. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. With great effort, you manage to get a campfire started. Unfortunately, you don’t know how to keep it burning and it fizzles into smoke in the dark. **Dark and Smoky** seems like it would be a great idea for a beer, but the desert is cold, so out here, dark and smoky means you’re going to die. You’re hungry and shivering, and you quickly succumb to the elements and black out. This isn’t how you thought you would die, but at least you weren’t bitten by a snake.
[[Turn to page 20]]Back inside the Cave of Time, you find yourself in a crystal grotto. A series of beautiful waterfalls cascade into a clear, tranquil pool. You’re still taking it in when a mermaid surfaces in the middle of the pool.
“Welcome, sweet being, to the Grotto of Eternity! My name is Glariana, and I am the protector of this sacred place. You are welcome to stay with me for all time. The grotto provides all the food you could wish for, and you will want for nothing. I will keep you company, and you shall be my consort. What say you?”
[[To stay with Glariana, turn to page 29]]
[[To keep exploring the cave, turn to page 30]]You hop on Elvira’s flying bike and hold on as she speeds away. “If you get caught out in the wild without your tracker band, they’ll take you to the slave fields for sure. But don’t worry, I can hide you out until we get things sorted.” Before you can ask what slave fields are and who will send you there, she lands the bike in a tall field of rye. The stalks of grain mostly conceal your position. “I think I have a spare tracker around here somewhere…” she says as she roots around through a pile of junk on the ground. You can feel the eyes of other people watching you in the field. It seems like future humans have made a pretty nice home hiding in the **rye**, and you think that would be a good thing to add to a beer.
You’re about to ask Elvira what you’re hiding from when a war horn cuts the air. Suddenly, you are set upon by apes on horseback! They plow through the rye, trying to catch fleeing humans. Without hesitating, you steal Elvira’s bike and fly away, back the way you came. You find the entrance back into the Cave of Time and hurry in.
[[Turn to page 28]]You tell Elvira you’re fine on your own. “Suit yourself,” she says, “But watch out for genetically engineered dinosaurs!” She flies off, and you hope that “watch out for genetically engineered dinosaurs” is just how people say goodbye in the future.
Still hoping to find evidence of a utopia, you walk the amber fields, looking for the past site of Red Creek Ranch. You find the Red Creek itself; the rocks in the water almost make the creek look truly red. Maybe a **red ale** would be a nice tribute to Uncle Howard.
You’re getting thirsty, so you take a drink from the creek. It’s then you realize it’s not the rocks making the water red: it’s blood from a deer upstream that is currently being devoured by a tyrannosaurus rex. The T-Rex sees you and roars in your direction. You barely manage to avoid wetting your pants and take off running. The T-Rex is hot on your heels when you make it back to the Cave of Time. You run back inside just as its jaws snap behind you.
[[Turn to page 28]]You grab the rifle and prepare to fight. The Alamo has been your home for nearly 2 weeks and you’ll defend her with your life.
As the siege begins, you take your place among the heroes of history. You see Jim Bowie stab a guy through the eye with his famous knife. Yikes. This may be more than you had counted on.
Considering you’ve never held a gun or had any military training, you think you handle yourself reasonably well. You’re not even the first to die! You’re the third. You feel a bullet pierce your chest, and you start to fade quickly. You start to wish that you had had a nice, stout piece of iron covering your chest. Mmmm, **stout**. As you black out, you think how nice it would be to drink a stout.
[[Turn to page 20]]You may not have done well in history, but you’re not foolish enough to stick around at the Alamo. You drop the gun and run out the back. You ram head-first into Davy Crockett, knocking the coonskin cap from his head. He grabs you by the arm. “Deserter, eh? What kinda coward runs from doing what’s right? Why, I kilt me a bar when I was only 3. You don’t wanna know what I’ll do to the likes of you!” You tell him that you’re just running out back to the latrine. You don’t want to fight with a full bladder. You say if he doesn’t let you go, you’re likely to go all over his deerskins.
He’s not buying it. “If you won’t fight with us, you’re better off dead!” He stabs you and goes to join the battle. You crawl away, bleeding out, and find yourself in the kitchen. You lean back against a **barrel of porter**, which has been your main source of drink since you got here. “Worse ways to go than with a glass of beer in your hand,” you think. You open the tap, fill a mug, and take a sip as the life starts to slip from your body.
[[Turn to page 20]]You’re quite surprised to find that you’re not dead. You open your eyes, and you don’t see any signs of your wounds. You’re in a bright white room, surrounded by blank robots. Your nagging suspicions were correct: you’ve been Westworlded. A man in a lab coat walks to your bed.
“Welcome back! You’d be surprised how common it is for people to “die” in our Old West park. It certainly was a dangerous time to be alive. Of course, our robots can never actually hurt anyone. You’re free to return to your simulation and try again. Or, go somewhere new! Whatever adventure you want; it’s all your choice.You can choose your own adventure, if you will.” He winks at you for some reason.
[[If you decide to go back to the Old West, turn to page 21]]
[[If you decide to try something new, turn to page 22]]You figure, “What the heck?” You’re pretty sure you can win the battle of the Alamo if you try it enough times. You go back and live in an endless Groundhog’s Day of the Old West. Armed with the knowledge that you can’t be killed, existence becomes a decadent free-for-all. You live out the rest of your days in the simulated early days of the American frontier. You love every minute of it. God bless America, including her bountiful **American hops**!
THE ENDWhy not try something new? You have the technician place you in a simulation of Elizabethan England. It’s all the romance and artistry of Shakespeare’s time without the added hassle of everyone smelling terrible and dying of long-since eradicated diseases. You join Richard Burbage’s troupe of players and become a famous actor, performing the works of Shakespeare by day and carousing in the pubs by night. **English hops** sure do make a fine ale. Over time, you get bored with acting. You start picking fights with the local robots, hoping that one will kill you and you’ll get to choose somewhere else to live. Unfortunately, no one wants to be responsible for the death of a famous actor, so you’re stuck in that job you hate for the rest of your life.
THE ENDHow do you pass up an eternity with a beautiful mermaid? Your life in the grotto is a fantasy. You have everything you want, Glariana is everything you desire in a companion, and everything is peace. You eat of the most exotic, perfect **fruits** you could imagine. You have to find a way to get these fruit flavors into a beer. It is bliss.
However, over time, you start to get bored with perfection. You miss being in pain sometimes. Eternal paradise isn’t for everyone, I guess. You tell Glariana that you want to go, and she cries for 3 days straight. Finally, after one last loving embrace, she leads you into the pool and dives down to the bottom. She leads you through an underwater cavern and bids you a teary farewell.
[[Turn to page 31]]This has to be a trap, right? No way this beautiful mythical creature wants you hanging around forever. You tell Glariana, “no dice.” Her beauty instantly transforms to a monstrous, fanged creature. Boom. Trap. Called it. She starts shrieking at you and claws at the land. In trying to fight her off, you fall into the water. You’re about to run out of breath trying to swim away when you notice an underwater cavern. You swim to it and hide yourself away.
[[Turn to page 31]]You find yourself back in the Cave of Time. You follow a passageway along for a while before you manage to fall into a crevasse. You never met a crevasse you couldn’t fall into. It’s dark and cramped, and you manage to fall asleep.
When you wake up, it’s clear that the cave has worked its magic once again. You’re no longer in a crevasse; you appear to be in a bed. You ask where you are, hoping there’s someone around to answer.
“Don’t worry,” a familiar voice says, “ you’re back now. Safe and sound in 1955.” You shoot bolt upright and see that you are talking to your mother, but she’s just a teenager!
[[To stick around, turn to page 32]]
[[To run out of the room, turn to page 33]]
[[To try to get back to the cave, turn to page 34]]You decide to play this thing out. You keep spending time with your mom in 1955. Over time, she starts to fall in love with you. It’s creepy as hell, but you don’t know how to get out of it. You start to wonder if you even have a choice. What if you’re supposed to stick around and marry your mom? What if you’ve always been your own dad? If you don’t do this, you could cease to exist. The fact that you haven’t vanished from existence seems to indicate that you haven’t screwed anything up too cataclysmically just yet. You decide you need **Very Hoppy** beers to try and continue in this existence.
[[To start a relationship with your mom, turn to page 38]]
[[To avoid your mom at all costs, turn to page 39]]Nope! You get out of that house as quickly as you possibly can. There’s no way you’re getting tangled up with your teenage mother. You’ve barely made it out into the street when a UFO descends from the sky! Feeling that they are there to help, you climb aboard.
As you travel through the stars, the serene, slender, grey aliens tell you of their purpose. They created the Cave of Time as an experiment on human nature, but they accidentally made themselves the cause of both the creation and destruction of all human life. You learn much from the aliens during your 5 year journey through the cosmos. They tell you that you should try to keep things in balance and moderation, including keeping beers at **moderate hop levels**. Then, one day they tell you that your journey with them must end. They ask if you’d rather see the beginnings of life, or the pinnacle of humanity.
[[To see the beginnings of life, turn to page 35]]
[[To see the pinnacle of humanity, turn to page 36]]
[[To ask to go home, turn to page 37]]Your gut tells you that if you dig deep enough into the covers, you might be able to get back into the Cave of Time. It works!
Back in the cave, you stumble along blindly. A nice **lightly hopped** beer, like a blonde ale, would go a long way toward quenching your thirst. But you soldier on. You come to a dead end and notice that the portal you entered through has disappeared! In a puff of smoke, a Wizard appears! He holds up three fingers before you. “Pick one, knucklehead!”
[[To choose his Index Finger, turn to page 35->To see the beginnings of life, turn to page 35]]
[[To choose his Middle Finger, turn to page 36->To see the pinnacle of humanity, turn to page 36]]
[[To choose his Ring Finger, turn to page 37->To ask to go home, turn to page 37]]You live out the rest of your life in this timeline, dating and eventually marrying your mom. It never stops bothering you. You take to alcohol to help you get through every moment.. Aside from the horrifying incestual nature of your being, life isn’t that bad in post-war America. Nice enough that you think using **classic American hops** seems suitable. You take a job in sales, but you hate every minute of it. Still, it’s what your mom always said your dad did, so it’s not like you have any other options. You live out a mostly happy existence until you finally drink yourself to death just before the birth of your first child. (You. The child is you). Time travel and paradoxes are risky business.
THE ENDYou have no choice but to live in your mom’s time, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend any time with her. You ask around about any eccentric scientists who might be looking for young assistants, and the people in town point you toward the house of Professor Frisbee. You remember the professor as an old man in your town, but in this time period, he’s in his prime. He listens to you talk about the Cave of Time and seems to have a revelation. “By Jove! I could create a device that would send you back home!”
You help Professor Frisbee build his contraption. You don’t know what any of the pieces are for, and you suspect that he doesn’t either. Finally, he proclaims it finished. He pushes you inside the box, presses a button, and you pass out!
You wake up and step outside of the device and into Australia. It’s still 1955. Apparently Professor Frisbee just put you in a box and mailed you across the world. Still, you end up enjoying Australia. You love the people and the natural beauty and those delicious **New World hops**.
One day, while you’re out surfing, a great white shark eats you and you die.
THE ENDIn a puff of smoke, you find yourself in another cave. You know in your heart that this is not the Cave of Time. In the back of the cave, a tall, slender alien in a fancy space suit is laying two inanimate early humans on the ground. “Oh. Hey. Um, don’t mind me. Just uh… kickstarting human existence, I guess. Just pretend you didn’t see me. Hey, look over there!”
You look where he’s pointing and he runs away out of the cave. You watch as the early humans stir and rise. Congratulations, you just witnessed the birth of man! You try to call them Adam and Eve, but they don’t really understand the whole “name” thing.
You spend the rest of your life watching these creatures try to figure out how to survive. Apparently the aliens started a few of these colonies because you run into other pairs that allow for some genetic diversity.
After 50 years, as an old man, you reflect on how little you have thought about the friends and family you left behind a lifetime ago. You think some classic **American hops** would really fuel that nostalgia kick right now, but they’re centuries away from being cultivated. Oh well, it wasn’t a bad life, all things considered.
THE ENDThere is a blinding flash of light and you find yourself in a far distant future. Everything is peaceful and quiet. The people are all beautiful, and they live in perfect harmony, no matter their race or creed. A brave new world like this calls for some juicy **New World hops**.
You find an archive of humanity where you can watch everything that ever happened, see every piece of art that was ever created, and learn all of the knowledge of the universe. You get bored with it after 5 minutes.
You grow to resent life in the idyllic future. All of the beauty and wonder of the world just isn’t enough to keep you entertained. Unfortunately, medical technology is so advanced that you live for 500 years, hating every minute of it. You never stop wondering what the point of it all was.
THE ENDIn the blink of an eye, you find yourself back outside of the Cave of Time. You immediately know you are back at home and in your own time. You stroll back to Uncle Howard’s house. He’s waiting for you inside the door. “It’s about time you got back. Now go and make me that beer. I don’t feel like going to the store to buy some. And use classic, **noble hops**. I want my beer to taste like beer. All you sissy boys can keep your fancy craft brews.”
Is that what all this was? An excuse to make Uncle Howard beer? It sure seems like there are better ways to do that than sending a family member to go on an adventure through space and time. Not to mention the fact that it will be at least 2 weeks before your beer is ready.
You start to tell Uncle Howard about all you’ve seen and done, but it’s clear he doesn’t care. Maybe one day, you’ll find someone who does.
THE ENDYou come to a circular room in the cave. In the middle is a bearded Old Man. It looks like you woke him up.
“Welcome!” he beams. “This is my cave, I hope you’re having a good time. I present you with 3 choices. Will they lead to wonderful things and riches? Or will they lead to certain doom? Only your journey will tell!”
What a weirdo. There are 3 doors behind him. You ignore his prattling and pick one.
[[To choose the left door, turn to page 8]]
[[To choose the right door, turn to page 25]]
[[To choose the center door, turn to page 40]]As soon as you walk through the door on the left, a BOMB EXPLODES next to you. You’re in the middle of a battlefield. Based on the weapons and uniforms, you’re in World War II era Germany! It’s June 6, 1944, if you had to guess. A dying American soldier looks up at you and gasps his last words: “**Dark lager**!” You nod somberly, vowing to grant his last wish.
In a hail of gunfire, you turn to run and find yourself face-to-face with a Nazi officer. He points a luger in your face. “Where do you think you’re going, American scum?”
[[To try and talk him into letting you go, turn to page 9]]
[[To punch him in the face, turn to page 10]]You figure your only chance is to reason with the Nazi. You explain that you were wandering through a cave on your uncle’s ranch and were transported through time, and that some monks told you to make a beer. To your surprise, the Nazi starts to cry!
“Mein papa! He vas un brewer!” You wonder why the cave is translating with a German accent. “I may be un racist monster, but I cannot kill a jung herr like you.” He lowers his gun and waves you to go. Right when you’re about to thank him, he gives a “Heil Hitler” salute and you throw up for a while instead.
You escape the battlefield and make your way to occupied France. When the war ends, you live out the rest of your days as a shopkeeper in Paris. The shop next door sells brewing supplies and is called Hoppy Days. A **hoppy** lager sounds like a good way to drown out the boredom of your simple, but slightly disappointing life.
THE ENDGood man. You rear back and throw a haymaker, right into the Nazi’s jaw. It feels GREAT! Nothing is better than punching a Nazi. Unfortunately, he recovers quickly and shoots you in the chest.
As you bleed out in the mud of the battlefield, your last thought is “**Lightly hopped**.” You have just enough time to wonder what that means and why you didn’t think about your family instead before you die a painful death.
THE END