Exit, Pursued by a Bear

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I was never meant to be a Dad. It was only strange accident, and the love of a good woman that changed that. Neither of us ever wanted kids. We sat there, discussing our respective futures, and even made it completely clear that under no circumstances did either of us want children. Do you remember? [[Yes, of course. You've told me before]] [[No. Why don't you remind me?]]

(set:$her to 1) Hey, come on... indulge me. It's not like you've got anything better to do. [[I LIKE hearing this story->Well, there we were...]] [[I guess one more time couldn't hurt->Well, there we were...]]

(set:$him to 1) Don't patronise me, kid. I may be many things, but I'm not senile. I know you've heard this story many times. [[You got me. Ok, spill->Well, there we were...]] [[I haven't got anything better to do->Well, there we were...]]

We were sat on a cold bench in a colder park, by a colderer lake. I was massaging her feet, if memory serves. Anyway, we were in mid-negotiation over whether I'd move in with her, her with me, or if we'd get a totally new place... [[Your flat was a dump though wasn't it?]] [[Her one up one down terrace? Ugh!]] [[No emotional baggage, right?]]

(set:$her to $her+1) That's what she thought. Better to have a neutral, clean, simple start, with none of the expectations that either of us would have had from our own places. Mind you, cleaning my flat, to get the deposit back nearly killed us. She was NOT happy. [[I can't blame her]] [[Bloody landlords!]]

(set:$him to $him+1) That's what I said. Better to have a neutral, clean, simple start, with none of the expectations that either of us would have had from our own places. Mind you, cleaning my flat, to get the deposit back nearly killed us. She was NOT happy. [[I can't blame her]] [[Bloody landlords!]]

(set:$her to $her+2) That's what she said. Better to have a neutral, clean, simple start, with none of the expectations that either of us would have had from our own places. Mind you, cleaning my flat, to get the deposit back nearly killed us. She was NOT happy. [[I can't blame her]] [[Bloody landlords!]]

(set:$her to $her+2) Doubly frustrating, considering the place was a shit hole when I moved in. They "couldn't get a cleaner" before I moved in, because I needed to relocate quickly. [[Why was that again?]] [[Oh, yes. The Fire...]] [[But, she DID help, didn't she?]]

(set: $him to $him+2) Especially true, considering the place was a shit hole when I moved in. They "couldn't get a cleaner" before I moved in, because I needed to relocate quickly. [[Oh, yes. The Fire...]] [[Why was that again?]]

(set: $him to $him-1) Now that was a mess, but at least I only had to clean the smoke damage from my stuff before I moved out. A shame my lungs weren't as easy to clear. [[How did it start again?]] [[Weren't we talking about how you became a Dad?->How you became a Dad]]

(set: $him to $him+1) You know. The Fire. The fire in my last place. It took years for my lungs to recover. [[How did it start again?]] [[Weren't we talking about how you moved in together?->You moving in together]]

(set: $her to $her+1) You're right, she did. And boy did I not hear the end of it. But we did it. We cleaned up almost as much filfth as I had to clear soot from the fire in the last place. [[How did it start again?]] [[Weren't we talking about how you moved in together?->You moving in together]] [[I thought we talking about how you became a Dad?->How you became a Dad]]

(set: $him to $him -1) I don't want to talk about it. That... that's OLD news. What were we talking about? [[Wasn't it you moving in together->You moving in together]] [[How you became a Dad]]

Yes, our first house. Not THE dream house, mind. She made that clear. It was a "good for now" house, she said, for our first years together. When we - I promise we WILL get to it - decided to have children, it became clear it wasn't the "good enough" house I had thought it to be. It's not that she wasn't frank about that place. But it was the happiest time for us. A shame it couldn't last, but that wasn't any of your faults. Not really. [[What happened there?->Ty Dyffryn]] [[Tell me about the next house-> Little House]] [[Was that when you moved to the current house?->The Big House]]

(set: $her to $her+1) Whoa now. We're getting ahead of ourselves. You got that impatience from her, you know. [[Ok, tell me about moving in together->You moving in together]] [[Can we just...->You moving in together]]

(set: $him to $him+1) That was... before your time. We were happy then. Just the two of us. And it is there, I think, that the idea of you first haunted us. So, one day we just sat down, and all of a sudden we wanted kids. It was that easy. That simple. At the time, anyway. Like most prospective parents, we were clueless as to what it would really be like. [[What was it like?]] [[Was I...]] [[Just you? Or Both of You?]]

(set: $her to $her-1) We bought the second house as a getaway, just because our first wasn't the "good enough" place, we'd promised ourselves. It was a wreck, and we spent a good deal of time doing it up. It was in the back of beyond, near the sea, with woodland all around. Too small, and too remote, to live there, but the little house gave us the illusion of space. The girls could play and explore though, which they couldn't easily do in the town. However, it all went sour when number two went missing. Only for a short time, but it was enough to spoil it as a place for the kids. [[That sounds super scary!->The Scariest Time]] [[Is that why you bought the current house?->The Big House]]

(set: $her to $her+1) We really thought this would be the forever house. A family seat, for generations to come. It was a huge old place - like a TARDIS, we joked - with rooms for many children. We'd finally come HOME. And yet, it was you that really cemented that thought. That feeling. The joint desire to bring more life into the World. [[Me?->The Incident]] [[I think I want to go now->Really?]]

(set: $him to $him+1) Tiring. Tiring is what it was. Our firstborn didn't sleep at night. Because feeds were down to her, I had the late night shift. I walked from here to Edinburgh and back, singing and rocking it off. She would come down in the morning and be furious I'd finally dropped off on the sofa. [[It?]] [[The sofa?]]

(set: $him to $him-1) No. Not yet. That would come later. [[What happened next?]]

(set: $him to $him+1) To be honest, I don't think either of us - any new parent, really - knew what we were letting ourselves in for. It was tough on her, the decision to breast feed all her offspring. We were SO eco back then as well. Terry nappies and SO MUCH washing! But it was all new. All strange. All an adventure. [[Was I...]] [[What happened next?]]

(set: $her to $her+1) Well, if you recall, I DID say I wasn't meant to be a Dad. To be honest, I struggled... It took weeks until I could think of the firstborn as anything other than work, sleepless torture, and dirty nappies. It... She... wore me down, I guess. And then I loved her like I love you. Fiercely. It scared me. I hated feeling so vulnerable. [[Like you loved me?->Was I...]] [[What happened next?]]

(set: $him to $him-1) Well, after two or three hours of pacing up and down, I would have gotten the baby to sleep in my arms. If I was really careful, bomb disposingly careful, I could slowly lie down on the sofa - I was downstairs in the Living Room to keep from disturbing her milky tired mother - and if I was really lucky, I could get horizontal without waking it up again. That way, I'd at least get some sleep. Her dozing on my chest. Me curled up on the too small furniture. I'd be wakened an hour later, by a distraught woman who had imagined me rolling over in my sleep - not that you could on our sofa - and suffocating the baby. [[What happened next?]]

We had it all planned out. Two children, close enough together that we wouldn't get used to sleep, and being nappy free, before the second came along. They were close. About sixteen months apart. Almost twins. Many thought they were, you know. But even then, it was too much. She had a difficult time carrying number two. A lot of time in hospital during the pregnancy, and after the birth she spent a lot of bed rest. So, juggling a toddler and a newborn, and my work... It was too much. I think if I'd had... maybe one less, I'd have been fine. [[Only two kids? What about..?-> What about..?]] [[Tell me about 'the Twins', please?-> The Twins]] [[What was the problem with Work?-> The Work]]

(set: $him to $him-1) Well, that WAS the plan. Two kids - daughters preferably - close together. So, they would be company for each other. Sixteen months apart, in the end. Two school years, because of when they were born, but increasingly less important, as they got older. It worked pretty well - The Twins Plan - For a while, anyway. We got back to work quite quickly, but the joint child care was expensive. And balancing Home and Work was difficult. [[Tell me about 'the Twins', please?-> The Twins]] [[What was the problem with Work?-> The Work]]

(set: $him to $him+1) When number two was born, number one was SO excited. She walked up to the cot she'd only recently vacated, and grinned; the happiest I'd ever seen her. But her sleep pattern, hard fought for, was disrupted again. More sleepless nights. When she was a toddler herself, she got into so many scrapes. The first and second scariest times of my life (so far, anyway) were down to her. [[The scariest time?-> Little House]] [[The second scariest time?->The Shed]]

(set: $him to $him+1) I finished my Phd during number one's making. She was there, tiny and thankfully quiet, at my graduation. Only then was my job secure. But that was just the start. Things ramped up quickly, and balancing a complicated home life proved... challenging. When number two arrived, it was the twin problem. I ended up blowing an emotional fuse - not that I had many to begin with - and I was off work with 'stress' for a few months. What's that Persian curse? "May you live in interesting times..." That year was certainly interesting! [[Tell me about the 'twin problem', please?-> The Twins]] [[Interesting times?-> Little House]]

"The Winter's Tale" Act III Scene 3 -- W. Shakespeare **Antigonus** `[1506`] Come, poor babe: I have heard, but not believed, the spirits o' the dead may walk again... ...The storm begins; poor wretch, that for thy mother's fault art thus exposed to loss and what may follow! Weep I cannot, but my heart bleeds; and most accursed am I to be by oath enjoin'd to this. Farewell... ...This is the chase: I am gone for ever. (set: _link to "`[Exit, pursued by a bear`")\ (set: _link2 to "`]`")\ [[_link|Exit, pursued by a bear]][[_link2|?]]

Oh, enquring mind, Oh, enduring heart, Together we will journey before we part. I will step in your footsteps, As you never did in mine. Too eager, too quick, too fine, Here for the briefest time. (set: _link to "`[Exit, pursued by a bear]`")\ [[_link|Exit, pursued by a bear]] (A secret room. Well done for finding it! All that follows is Truth. Not THE truth, but A truth, nevertheless)

(set: $her to $her-1) Number two would crawl and climb everywhere before she was walking. One day, she fell six feet into our neighbour's garden, after climbing out on a shed roof in our back garden. Fortunately, she landed on a garden table, not the concrete floor. She was fine, but we could hear her crying, and didn't know where she was at first. It wasn't the last time, but being the first, it was, by default, the worst. [[The worst time?-> Little House]]

(set: $her to $her-2) It was August, and we'd been in and out of the garden at the little house. She had called us all in to eat. While we were getting ready, number two decided to go to the paddock - we discovered later to look for Easter Eggs, like we had done the previous March - but we didn't notice. There were SO many places we searched. She was distraught, grabbing passers by and hailing cars to see if anyone had seen a young child. When I reunited them, running from field to street, we all cried in relief. But something had changed. [[And so you moved to the current house?->The Big House]] [[Something had changed?->Something changed]]

(set: $him to $him-1) It wasn't the same. Two things happened. Firstly, we never visited the little house as a family again. Too traumatic. Secondly, she realised she wanted another child. I agreed, of course, but part of that plan was trying to find the "good forever" house. A house that children and grand children would grow in. [[Was that the current house?->The Big House]] [[Is this when I came in?->The Incident]]

I was away in Newcastle at the time. She rang me up in the airport, while I was waiting for a plane home. We'd lost you. Not just in next door's garden, or a nearby wood. Gone forever. Before you'd even had a chance to arrive. We gave you a name you know. And I sat there, like I am sitting here now, crying. Crying for the son I would never get to see. Crying in a corner of a crowded airport departure lounge, knowing that there would be one less arrival. For a while, at least. [[I had a name?]] [[Another arrival?]]

Really? Are you sure? Don't you want to know YOUR story? [[My story? Do I even have a story?->The Incident]] [[I think I want to go now->Really, really]]

Ok, if you are sure... [[Come back any time->By the Way of Some Manner of Introduction]]

(set: $him to $him+1) Of course you had a name. Osian. Your name was... is... Osian. We miss you, of course, but without you passing, she wouldn't have known I really wanted another child. Would't have known that I wasn't just going along with her. Wouldn't have been overloaded by number three. [[Number three?->Another arrival?]]

She would never have happened, our number three, if it hadn't been for you. It saved us. And made us anew. For a little while. And for me, at least, it is good to have you visit, now and then. She doesn't live here anymore. It turns out I was never meant to be a Dad. When we separated (if: $her > $him)[they told me they wanted to](elseif: $her < $him)[she pursuaded them that they should](else:)[we agreed that they should] live with her full-time. (if: $him>$her)[Maybe we'd have gotten along, you and I, had you been meant to be.](elseif: $her<$him)[Maybe another man in the house would have broken the camel's back sooner.](else:)[Maybe, you would have been the balance, the glue, that could have held us together.] Who knows? We are forged by our choices, aren't we. Maybe if I'd had the time again, I would have [[done things differently->By the Way of Some Manner of Introduction]] The End