HeteroMormotivity

You are not born yet. According to your LDS beliefs, you are living with God as a spirit, but you are going to forget that when you are born. [[Be born.|Birth]] (set: $COparents to "not out") (set: $ActMasc to "no") (set: $GayVirgin to "true") (set: $teenjobdone to "false") (set: $GFKira to "false") (set: $BFBlake to "false") (set: $COBrother to "false") (set: $COSister to "false") (set: $Mandyrelationship to "0") (set: $medication to "false") (set: $Chloedate to "false") (set: $collegejob to "false") (set: $Sadieshappened to "false") (set: $homeworkdone to "false") (set: $KatieCO to "not out") (set: $celibateoption to "false")

Voila! Birth! It's the miracle of life! You have the anatomy designed to use a urinal, or in other words, you are a boy. You were born into an LDS family, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They love you very much. [[Grow up.|Baptism]]

You age, moving from grace to grace, increasing in favor with God and with man. You learn how to pray and your parents want you to know that you have a Heavenly Father that loves you that is always listening. You tell your father that you want to be a daddy too someday. At age eight, they ask you if you want to be baptized, making a covenant with God that you will serve others and do His will. And you say yes. [[Grow up some more.|Priesthood]]

You turn twelve. They ask you if you want to hold the Aaronic Priesthood and pass the sacrament in Church once a week. And you say yes. Also, you're a boy scout! You have a good time bonding on campouts with your buddies, but don't worry; it's all "no homo." The girls in your class have started talking about boys. [[Grow up some more.|14]]

Your male friends have started talking about girls. You don't really know what makes a "cute" girl from a less "cute" one. You stopped fitting in with them last year though, so you stopped hanging out with them. It's a little lonely sometimes. You are fourteen years old, now in ninth grade. Trying not to look too alone, you wander around the halls of your middle school. There's a boy you seem to see really often who seems... different than other boys. You know, he's nice. He smiles. He dresses in a cool way. You don't know him though. One day you find yourself walking past the boy when you have a thought. //He's... cute, isn't he? I'll keep that to myself...// Then it hits you. You're gay. [[Fudge.|You're gay]]

So you realized you're gay. Don't panic. [[Try not to panic.|Don't Panic]]

What can you do? Being gay doesn't work. Boys marry girls--in the temple--and then they have babies. And all you know about gay people is that they flip their wrists ninety degrees. Maybe this isn't really you. Being gay isn't totally natural, right? It's a matter of what you're exposed to. Maybe you played with too many girls as a little boy. Maybe you didn't play enough sports. Maybe it's because your dad is such a gentle guy. Maybe it's cause you heard all the soccer moms talk about how silly boys are and you didn't want to be silly so that rewired your brain. This could straighten itself out. Maybe. Do what's right. Don't think about boys that way. Go to seminary. Maybe tell your parents. [[Live life.|14 2]]

You go to seminary. In seminary, you learn about the Law of Chastity today. "Sex is one of the most sacred things to God, but it must be performed in the proper setting. The only person who has the right to arouse you is your spouse, not even yourself." The lesson is a little awkward and very serious. Towards the end of the lesson, homosexuality gets a brief cameo. "Homosexual and lesbian behavior is a serious sin." "Unnatural affections toward persons of the same gender are counter to God's eternal plan." You start to feel a little guilty. "If you find yourself struggling with same-gender attraction or you are being persuaded to participate in inappropriate behavior, seek counsel from your parents and bishop. They will help you." You walk out of seminary feeling a little more guilty. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]]

Your mom and dad spend their evenings on their king-size bed on their computers or watching TV. It's a good place to have talks. You knock on their bedroom door. "Come in!" your mom says. You open the door and walk in. You sit down on the bed. You ask how they are doing. "Good," they both say. They look at you expectantly. (if: $COparents is "not out")[[[Go headfirst.|headfirst]]] [[Sigh, look around, and talk about how stressed you are with homework instead.|homework]]

"Mom and Dad... I like... I am... Sometimes I get... feelings. When I look at other guys. And... I'm confused." They look at you. Your mom's eyes nearly fall out of her head. "I'm not gay..." you say. "No, of course not," Mom says, "remember how much you talked about all the pretty girls in the ward when you were three years old?" She pauses. "We'll work through this," she finally says. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]] (set: $COparents to "out")

"I hate this English project," you groan, "It's so dumb." Phew. That was a close one. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]]

You go to church one Sunday. You are an ordained "teacher" now, so you help prepare the water and bread for the sacrament. It's fun to be with other guys your age. You don't have a huge number of friends anymore, and especially not a lot of guys. In Sacrament Meeting, somebody makes mentions something happening in California. The Church has asked people to vote against legalizing same-sex marriage. You feel you should stand by the prophet on this one. [[Go to Sunday School.|Sunday School]]

Sunday School! You have known these kids for years. You all get together every Sunday. There's the class clown, the quiet girl, the know-it-all. Everyone is trying to fit in. Your lesson is on families. At one point your teacher, Brother Nichols, mentions something about gay people. "It's a very selfish lifestyle," he says. You nod. He gives you all suckers for participating. [[Go to teacher's quorum.|Teachers quorum]]

What do you want to do? [[Play a sport.|Sports]] [[Play video games with friends.|Video games]] [[Watch a movie.|Teen movie]] [[Just chill with a friend.|Teen friend]]

Oof. Sports. Mostly guys play sports, not so much girls. You have grown apart from your guy friends a little bit recently. Fortunately, you don't need to be really good friends to join a pick-up game. [[Play soccer.|Soccer]] [[Play basketball.|Basketball]] [[Play football.|Football]]

Your friend Derek is having a bunch of people over to play video games. You join. It's fun. Try to avoid any dashing male characters without shirts. You don't want to do anything that will incite feelings of arousal. [[Keep livin' life|14 2]]

You go with a group of friends to watch a movie. One scene features an underdressed female character. All the guys--all Mormon boys--in the room look down awkwardly. You follow suit. It was a good movie; there was only that one scandalous scene. [[Keep livin' life|14 2]]

You play soccer. It's fun. [[Keep on livin' life|14 2]]

You find some old friends playing a pickup game of basketball. They're all boys. "Shirts versus skins!" someone says. What do you do? [[Force your way onto the shirts team.|Shirts]] [[Take off your shirt.|Skins]] [[Try to convince all the guys that shirts versus skins is weird.|No SvS]] [[Slink away before anyone notices.|14 2]]

You play with your shirt on. The game is fun, but you can't help but feel it's a little weird. You gingerly try not to touch any of your compadres' bare torsos. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]]

You tear off that Marvel t-shirt and bare your pubescent chest. You all play. You can't help but shake the feeling that this is a little weird. You try not to let anyone touch you. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]]

"Really?" you say, trying to sound incredulous, "Shirts versus skins?" Someone seconds that that is weird. "Whatever; I feel secure about my manhood," comes the voice-cracking response. You all play with your shirts on. It's fun. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]]

You play football. It's fun. [[Keep livin' life.|14 2]]

You gather together with all the other fourteen to fifteen year old guys in your ward. You divvy out assignments to prepare the sacrament for next week and plan your Wednesday night young men's activity. One of the adult quorum advisers starts giving the planned lesson about media. "We men are very visually-stimulated beings. God made us that way, but we have to be careful. Notice how many really immodest women there are in video games and action movies. I think that's a bigger issue than the violence itself. Men are inherently physical and men have had to protect their families throughout history, but notice those explosions are always coupled with babes in bikinis." You nod. [[Go home.|14 2]]

At school, you do your work and participate in class. You're getting good grades. You talk to your neighbors here and there, share jokes occasionally, and like most teenagers, you try to fit in. [[Go to history.|History]] [[Go to biology.|Biology]] [[Go to English|English]] [[Go to math.|Math]] [[Go to PE.|PE]] [[Go to drama.|Drama]] [[Go to life skills.|Life skills]] [[Leave school.|14 2]]

You are talking about the Renassaince in your world history class today. On the projector, the teacher shows an image of Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam". Because nudity in art can be a sensitive subject in Utah, he starts with a preface. "Is nudity in art and pornography the same thing?" The class agrees it isn't. "No, it's not, but I do recognize that there can be sexuality to it. For instance, I will show an image of a male nude rather than a female nude because--and I don't say this to be sexist; it's biology--a teenage girl can handle a male nude probably a little better than a teenage boy can handle a female nude." The girls in the class nod solemnly. Thereafter your class has an interesting discussion on the change in Western European views on divinity during the Renassaince as displayed in art. [[Leave history.|School 2]]

In biology, you dissect fetal pigs. One girl snickers when the teacher talks about cutting around the pig's penis. You succeed in finding the pig's stomach, heart, liver, and intestinal track. Good work! It's an interesting activity, and you learn a lot. [[Leave biology.|School 2]]

In English, you are reading Romeo and Juliet. You listen to a reading of one of the scenees. You laugh at the way the actors pronounce "banished" as three syllables. Your teacher puts on a documentary about Shakespeare. "Shakespeare may have had an affair with a nobleman," the narrator says. Afterwards, your class discusses the film. "The film was produced by a very liberal institution," the teacher notes. [[Leave English.|School 2]]

Your math class isn't bad. The teacher lets you all goof off a little bit. You learn some trigonometry. [[Leave math.|School 2]]

You make your way to the locker room to get changed into your PE uniform. You know how to shed and replace your clothes quickly, but not so quickly that it's obvious. You keep your eyes fixed on your locker in front of you. Once dressed properly, you go out to the gym. It's volleyball today. The PE coach splits you up into teams and you play. Some guys in class are really competitive. Sometimes, it gets a little heated. "That's out!" the Coach is reffing for the game next to yours. "Gay," one boy mutters. You have fun. PE's over. In the locker room you, like most of the boys, throw on some deodorant to avoid taking a public shower. [[Leave PE|School 2]]

Whom do you wish to hang out with? (if: $KatieCO is "not out")[[[Katie|Katie]]] [[Derek|Derek]] [[April|April]]

Derek is a guy you have known for a few years now. He doesn't go to the same school as you, but he's in the same ward at church. Together, you play video games most of the time. [[Play video games.|Derek vg]]

April is a girl you met at the end of last school year. She thinks you're funny. You sometimes go on "adventures" like drawing irony-filled pictures with sidewalk chalk and getting your parents to drive you to DI. Today, she wants to show you a chick flick since you haven't seen many. She chose //Flipped//, a movie about two 12-year-old kids where the girl has a crush on a more popular boy, and then he falls for her after insulting her. Afterwards, you talk. [[Talk with April.]]

You talk about movies. //Captain America// was pretty great, wasn't it? [[Talk about something else.|Katie]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

You talk about school. She's stressed about the English project where you have to live a day like someone from another country. You are too. You both like your math teacher, though. [[Talk about something else.|Katie]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

Katie smiles shyly. "So I met this boy in my ceramics class..." she begins to tell you how he's cute and sweet and so on. She kind of wants to go on a date, but they're both fourteen, two years younger than many Utah kids start dating. Maybe later. "But we're friends. I talk to him in class." She looks at you. "Hey, what girls do you like??" She leans in and smiles. [[Say a random girl's name.|Random girl]] [[Dodge the question.|Dodge question]] [[Hesitate... and consider telling her a secret.|Secret]]

"Café Rio is so good," Katie says. You smile and nod. "My family went to Sonic for the first time in forever. I forgot how good it was," you answer. [[Talk about something else.|Katie]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"What did you think of seminary?" you ask. "I really liked it. I never thought about our relationship with God that way. You know, it's really inpiring to think that Heavenly Father saved us for the last days when the world is so wicked." You nod, "There's so much sex and violence everywhere." "But there's a lot of good too!" Katie chimes, "But I've loved doing the reading. I've never read the Book of Mormon all the way through by myself before. I'm enjoying it." [[Talk about something else.|Katie]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"Uh... I kind of like Britney, I guess," you say, eyes jumping around the room. Katie makes a surprise face, then gets excited. "Really!? Britney Barker?" "Yeah, I guess I like her... hair." "She //is// really pretty." "And I think she's... smart." "She's smart too," Katie agrees. You don't have a lot to say here. You might want to change the subject. [[Talk about something else.|Katie]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

You brush it off: "Uh, well, no one right now." "Aw, come on!" she teases. It goes back and forth for a little bit, but she gives up. [[Talk about something else.|Katie]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

You freeze and stare at Katie. "Uh..." you start to stammer. "What?" "It's kinda weird... and it kinda freaks me out... but I..." [[Tell her about the one boy.|Kate coming out]] [[Save yourself and say a girl's name.|Random girl]]

Katie's jaw falls. "Like... you're gay??" she seems concerned. "Well, I'm not //gay//. I mean, I think my mind is just confused. I don't totally fit in with other guys, so maybe I just..." you stop there, "it will probably go away." "Okay..." Katie doesn't seem to know what to say. You talk some more but everything seems awkward now. Eventually it's time to go home. [[Leave.|14 2]] (set: $KatieCO to "out")

You play some Halo and some Super Smash Brothers. He's better than you are, but you're getting better! Eventually, you both get sick of games and start talking. [[Talk about games.|Game talk]] [[Talk about people.|People talk Derek]] [[Talk about church.|Church talk Derek]] [[Talk about being boys.|Puberty talk]] [[Confide in Derek.|Coming out Derek]]

"I'm so excited for the new Smash Bros!" you wail. "Yeah, but I don't have the money for that. I'm going to get Call of Duty first. Did you hear they are releasing a Monster Hunter game in the US? Usually they release them in Japan only. It looks way hard." [[Talk about something else.|Derek vg]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"My friend Chris said we should build a computer," Derek says. "That would be cool," you say. "Yeah, he's the main friend I hang out with from my new school. It's me, him, Liam, and this girl named Isabel." "Isabel, huh?" "Yeah, she's super cool. She draws and stuff. We hit on her as a joke sometimes. She thinks it's super funny." "Huh." "Yeah," Derek finishes. You smile and nod. [[Talk about something else.|Derek vg]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

Derek mentions that he had to get an electric shaver because he's starting to grow a moustache. He also mentions that he has hair in his armpits as well as elsewhere. You realize you are starting to grow hair on your legs. "Your voice is dropping too," says Derek. He gets a mischevious look on his face, "...like my balls." You laugh that one teenager laugh reserved for dirty jokes. [[Talk about something else.|Derek vg]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"I liked it," you say, "it was fun. Makes you feel good." "Yeah, I think it's cute," April says. [[Talk about something else.|Talk with April.]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"That story that Brother Johnson shared about his mission was so crazy," you say. "Yeah, can you imagine eating //bat//? I could never." "Yeah, it's weird." Derek pauses, thinking. "Well, I guess when I'm on my mission, I'll eat whatever, but I'm not excited about it." [[Talk about something else.|Derek vg]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"It's going to snow soon!" April laments. "Yeah, it kinda sucks," you shrug. "But I guess Christmas break is coming too, so I'm really happy about that." You agree. [[Talk about something else.|Talk with April.]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

"My brother is gay... he has a boyfriend now," she says with a slant on her face. "Wait... Eric?" you ask, stunned. "Yeah... Of course, we still love him. It's kind of weird though. My dad hopes he'll come back to church, but I don't how likely that is now." You nod solemnly. [[Talk about something else.|Talk with April.]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]] (set: $Aprilbrother to "yes")

You are about to talk to Derek about something you have been thinking about telling someone for a while now. Are you really sure, though? What if he thinks you like him? This will probably make your friendship weird. [[Talk about something else.|Derek vg]] [[Tell him you like men.|Coming out Derek 2]]

You open your mouth to say something right when Derek starts telling a story. "So one of our teachers moved, so we got a new one. He's... femmy. He wears pink and talks in a high voice. I kind of think he might be gay," Derek shudders, "he hasn't touched anyone though. Still, it's gross." So much for that. [[Talk about something else.|Derek vg]] [[Say bye and go home.|14 2]]

Seriously? You don't take a drama class... even though you like acting a little bit. Drama kids scare you a little. They're so flamboyant. [[Go to a different class.|School 2]]

You go to your life skills class where you are learning how to cook a casserole. After you get it into the oven you sit down in the corner, your friend Ryan approaches you. "Hey, just so you know," he starts in a hushed tone, "Aaron was asking people if you were gay, but Maria and I stood up for you." Ouch. You must be acting too flamboyant. "Well, that sucks. Thanks, man," you say with a defeated smile. (if: $ActMasc is "no")[[Try to act more masculine]<ActMasc|] [[Leave the class.|School 2]] (click: ?ActMasc)[You'll try talking in a more normal guy voice and stop walking like a girl. (set: $ActMasc to "yes")]

You pray hard. [[Keep on livin'.|14 2]]

You read them for seminary almost every night. It helps you not feel guilty. [[Keep on livin'.|14 2]]

You are sixteen. (if: $GayVirgin is "false")[You feel guilty.] (if: $teenjobdone is "false")[[[Get a job.|Job 16]]] [[Go to school.]] (if: $homeworkdone is "false")[[[Do homework.|Do homework.]]] [[Grow up some more.|18]] (if: $GayVirgin is "false" or "secret")[[[Talk to your bishop.|Talk to your bishop.]]] (if: $COparents is "not out")[[[Tell your parents about your same-sex attraction.|Tell your parents about your same-sex attraction.]]]

You've made it to your senior year of high school. You've been a good kid, reading your scriptures and praying, staying active at Church and being a decent student. (if: $GFKira is "true")[ Your relationship with Kira has lasted.] (if: $ActMasc is "true")[Nowadays people don't say you act like you're gay. Maybe they're more mature or maybe you've learned to be more masculine. ]However, it has occured to you that your "same-sex attraction" may not ever go away. Your parents and church leaders keep mentioning what things you can do to get ready for your mission. [[Keep on livin' life.|18 2]]

You are eighteen years old, graduating high school. (if: $GayVirgin is "false")[[[Go on a mission.|missionfailure]]](if: $GayVirgin is "true")[[[Go on a mission.|Go on a mission.]]](if:$GayVirgin is "secret")[[[Go on a mission.|must confess]]] (if: $GayVirgin is "true")[[[Don't go on a mission.|Jump ship.]]](if: $GayVirgin is "false")[[[Don't go on a mission.|Don't go on a mission.]]](if: $GayVirgin is "secret")[[[Don't go on a mission.|Don't go on a mission.]]]

You have a couple of options for college. [[Go to BYU.]] [[Go to NYU.]]

You decide to put in your mission papers. You know you'll grow a lot from the experience, but you're a little nervous. (if: $GFKira is "true")[ Kira expects you to go. She'll wonder why if you don't.] You are going to living alone with other guys for two years. Never without them, and you won't develop any deep friendships with girls probably. Fortunately, although you know you experience same-sex attraction, you also have crushing mental self-control by this point. You don't let yourself feel attraction toward individuals, so you should be just fine. The voice in the back of your head invites you to reconsider.. Still, it is your duty, right? [[Go to the MTC.]] [[Jump ship.]]

You've received your mission call and you are now entering the MTC. You know the Lord will help you become a better person from your mission experiences, but you're still nervous about a lot of things: knocking doors, spending twenty four hours a day with one person, getting chased by dogs and/or people, etc. You meet the other elders in your MTC district. All elders, no sisters. It's a little different than what you have become used to. Every night, your companion talks about a girl that's waiting for him. One Elder asks how long you think it will be until you're married after you get home. "Oh, maybe a year. I really don't know," you say. The other guys ask your MTC teacher about the women of your mission boundaries. He casually admits he thinks they're pretty attractive. Another elder mentions one night when particularly stressed that he is worried that he'll get a gay companion. He says his uncle had a gay companion that would drug him and rape him in his sleep. Soon, time is up and you're shipped out to the field. [[Keep on livin'.|Mission field]] (set: $mission to "true")

Are you sure about this? Everyone will assume one of the following: -You've sinned grievously and need to work that out. -You're really anxious -You aren't committed to the Gospel. Unless you tell everyone that you experience same-sex attraction, and that might not be a good idea. And think about all the experiences you'd miss out on! A mission would definitely make you a better person, right? [[Don't go on a mission.]] [[Actually, I'll go.|Go to the MTC.]]

You are in the mission field, donning the classic white button-up shirt, a tie, and a nametag, like every other male missionary. (if: $GFKira is "true")[ Kira is waiting for you. She's writing letters.] You were right about one thing; you're learning a ton about life! You are meeting people from so many different backgrounds who share their life stories. Some are happy, some are unhappy. Generally, you find that people who adhere fully to the teachings of the Restored Gospel are happy in whatever circumstances. Fortunately, your same-sex attraction hasn't been an issue. It's still there, but you don't have to think about it too much. [[Keep on preachin'.|Mission field 2]]

Then it happens. You get a companion who's a nice kid. You envy his smile. You work together great, but one day he gives you a hug when he comes back from an exchange with your zone leaders. You feel something. It's small, but it's scary. You gotta stifle that. (if: $GFKira is "true")[ To make matters worse, Kira's sent you a letter saying she's dating another guy, so you're feeling pretty sad. And then there's that feeling.] [[Stifle it.]] [[Call the mission president.]]

You snuff it out right away. But you are always with this guy. And sometimes this feeling comes back. This can't continue. [[Pray for a transfer.]] [[Call the mission president.]]

Are you sure? If you tell the mission president that you are experiencing homosexual feelings, who knows what will happen? [[Call anyway.]] [[Nevermind. I'll just pray for a transfer.|Pray for a transfer.]]

You spend a couple weeks praying for a transfer. [[Get tranferred.|Ask for a transfer.]]

One night, you tell your companion you need to call the mission president for a private conversation, so you step into another room of your apartment and close the door. You select the mission president's number from your companionship cell phone's contact list. There's no going back now. "Hi, President," you mutter, "There's been something bothering me that I've wanted to talk to you about." "How can I help you, Elder?" he asks. "Well... I experience same-sex attraction. I have for a long time, but I've had it under control." "Oh..." "Now... now... I'm feeling something for my companion and I'm not sure what to do. It hasn't been a problem at all before this... Maybe I should get a transfer? Or maybe... Do you think I should go home?" The mission president is taken aback--sort of. He's a back-woodsy, manly man kind of guy, but he seems to be handling the news well. You imagine he's probably received at least a little training for this sort of thing, but it may have never happened to him before. Ultimately, he leaves it up to you. [[Ask for a transfer.]] [[Ask to go home.]]

Great. Things aren't so bad. Your new companion sometimes asks you what you like in a girl, and there are some things that you find pretty, so you tell him that you like brown hair, short girls, or whatever else. You try to keep the attention on his preferences where possible. You are teaching some investigators. They're good people who you like a lot. You're trying hard to follow the mission rules. You are stressed though, and you're pretty closed off from people, including your companion. Sometimes you meet people that criticize the Church for its stance on homosexuality. You wish you could say something to tell them that gay people can be quite happy in the Church even if they don't act on their attractions. You wish you could say that you experience same-sex attraction, but your companion might get a little weirded out by that. Thus, those conversations usually don't go anywhere, so you smile and nod. [[Keep on preachin'.|Mission Field 4]]

Another transfer, a new companion. You meet a woman who is an AIDS activist. She asks what you know about AIDS. Your companion carefully says that he feels that if people kept the commandments of God regarding sexual purity, they would be safe. Your stomach drops. You know that gay sex is not the only thing that spreads AIDS. However, the woman is understanding. She explains blood transfusions that can happen through something as simple as a bleeding gums on a toothbrush. She mentions how there are children with AIDS that received it by various means. You smile and nod. On another day, your companion mentions something about gay people. "You know, I don't get why God makes gay people. That would seriously suck. Eternal marriage is the way to go, but sorry, you don't even like girls." You smile and nod. You're teaching cool people and learning a lot, but you are stressed, self-conscious, and closed off from people. [[Keep on preachin'.|Mission Field 5]]

You're coming up on the end of your mission. You're excited to head home, but you're also nervous. You've started to hear a lot of stories about members who are gay that get married to people of the opposite sex and realize they can't do it, then cancel their sealing and usually leave the Church. One woman divorced her husband, left the Church, married a woman, then divorced her wife when she felt something was missing and rejoined the Church. At this point, you've realized that same-sex attraction is part of you and it isn't going anywhere any time soon. You'll have to figure out things when you get home. It's time for you to go home. [[Return home.]]

Ah, you're a successfully returned missionary with an honorable release. The airport reception is great. You have risen in Mormon status a little bit. Of course, being home is weird. You're feeling ready to move on. However, you sometimes wish you had been more open with people as a missionary. You kept a lot of things private, but on the other hand, you had a lot of reason to. Oh well. Dating will be strange. You're not sure if you'll be able to marry a woman. This may take some time to sort out. [[Go to college.]] [[Talk to your parents about your same-sex attraction.]] (set: $mission to "yes")

It happened! You got transferred and now have another great companion, but one you're not at all attracted too. That's a relief. You wonder if your old companion knew at all how you felt. He seemed to get more standoffish toward the end of your time together... or maybe there was another reason for that. You'd best try harder to act like a normal guy. [[Keep preachin' (like a normal guy.)|Mission Field 3]]

You're going home. Wow. You feel relieved, but a large part of you feels like a weakling for bailing early. How much more could you have gotten out of this experience? What was it that God would have had you do? People will probably think that you're really anxious, which maybe you are at this point, or you'll have to "come out" as a homosexual. Maybe you should wait on that, maybe not. Well, why not get a degree? [[Go to college.]] (set: $mission to "early")

So you're not going on a mission. (if: $GFKira is "true")[ Kira is disappointed. "I'm sorry, but I can't marry a man who chose to not go on a mission, so I don't see any reason to keep dating.] What will you do then? Everyone was expecting you to go. Maybe you should go to college to get a little space from all these people who saw you back out. [[Go to college.]] (set: $mission to "false")

Actually, you probably shouldn't go to NYU. For one, most schools out of state are way beyond your ability to pay. And being a homosexual Mormon at NYU? Would you be able to maintain your testimony? If we're being honest, you believe the Church is true, but are you certain it is? Maybe you should figure yourself out first before you go to progressive central station. [[Make another choice.|Go to college.]] [[Go to NYU anyway.]]

(if: $COparents is "out")[You sit down on your parents' bed and take a deep breath. "So you know that I've been attracted to men." They look at you, concerned. "Well, I've realized it's not gonna go away. I guess I'm gay." Alarm slides over their faces. ](if:$COparents is "not out")[You sit down on your parents' bed and say it. "I'm gay." They look at you in slight alarm. ]You add a qualifier, "Well, sort of. I am... physically attracted to men but I don't plan on living that lifestyle. So I guess in that sense, I'm not really //gay//. I plan on staying in the Church, but there's a lot of uncertainty ahead." (if:$COparents is "not out")[ Your mom protests immediately, "But I thought you liked (if:$GFKira is "true")[Kira?"](if:$GFKira is "false")[Katie?"] You smile sadly, "I'm pretty sure that's not how it's working for me." ]"We love you," your parents both say. You know they're worried. In some ways, it felt good to get that off your chest. Have you thought about telling someone else? At the same time, that was uncomfortable, and you know your parents will keep worrying about you. [[Tell your brother.]] [[That was unnecessarily painful. Move on and go to college.|Go to college.]]

You ask your older brother to go on a walk with you. He got married to a girl he dated in high school while you were gone. "So I'm gay," you say, but you clarify, "well, not really, because I don't plan on... dating men or anything like that. But I've had same-sex attraction for a long time and I have to accept it's not going away anytime soon. "Oh, really?" your brother stays calm on the surface, but you sense he is worried underneath. You remember he had a friend who came out as gay and then gradually moved away from the Church, eventually moving in with his boyfriend. "Yeah, but I am trying to decide what to do. I //think// I would be happiest married to a woman and having children, raising them in the Church, but I'm not sure what to think." "Yeah, I think you would be," your brother seems relieved by the suggestion. "But don't think of me differently, please," you plead. "I won't." [[Get it all out. Tell your sister.]] [[That was awkward. Don't tell anyone else right now.|Go to college.]] (set: $COBrother to "true")

You pull your sister aside in the evening to a private corner of your parents' house. "I'm gay," you say, "well, not //really// gay since I don't plan on living the gay lifestyle." "Oh... okay," she breathes. "I //think// I would be happiest staying in the Church, probably marrying a woman, and having children. But don't let this change anything between us." "It won't." [[Go to college.]] (set: $COSister to "true")

Sociology was more than you bargained for. You learn about the cycle of poverty, racial issues, parenting, and more. You also learn a lot about sex. "Homosexuality has been present in humanity for as long as we can tell all across the world. Science has proven it occurs naturally," the professor lectures one day, "Not just in Sodom and Gomorrha. Greece, Rome, Japan, Native America, India, Thailand, the Pacific, and parts of Africa have records and/or current widesperead instances of homosexual relationships or even non-binary gender categories." "Some say homosexuality is more likely to occur in a boy with many older brothers as the womb tries to feminize him after so much masculinity. It's epigenetics, like how a queen ant's body knows whether it should produce a worker or a soldier. Another hypothesis argues that it is likely to occur if a woman is in crisis while pregnant with a boy, then hormonally feminizing him so that he can serve as her replacement in holding the family together." Interesting. [[Keep on livin'.|College funding]] (set: $major to "sociology")

You've chosen to study business. "That will definitely help you provide for your wife and family," older gentlemen like to tell you. Your business ethics class talks about discrimination in the workplace. Fortunately, there's a prevailing attitude that sexual orientation should not be a concern in the workplace, and that seems to carry to the classroom. [[Keep on livin'.|College funding]] (set: $major to "business")

You're studying art. Isn't that just stereotypically gay? So be it. Aside from the fact that people sometimes question your employablity, you enjoy expressing yourself. Some of your fellow students seem to talk about homosexuality more than the average Mormon. One or two of them are openly gay. Curious about what they do as open gays, you do some research and learn that the Honor Code strictly prohibits romantic expression of affection between the same sex in any manner. You learn some drawing, painting, and graphic design. It's all dandy. [[Keep on livin'.|College funding]] (set: $major to "art")

You spend your time practicing multivariable calculus. Occasionally, you discuss with classmates the physical plausibility of Superman surviving being thrown ninety miles per hour into the ground. You also have very few female classmates. "I chose this degree so I can make a decent amount of money," a male classmate tells you. "It's good for providing for a family." [[Keep on livin'.|College funding]] (set: $major to "engineering")

You're at BYU. You live in an apartment in Provo. As far as classes go, you're starting out with some generals. Your roommate Jackson recently got back from a mission. He talks a lot about dating and how excited and nervous he is for it. You smile and nod. He asks you if you want go out on the town (meaning on campus) and "pick up some chicks" with him. [[Pick up some chicks.]] [["No thanks."]]

Open-minded and ready for some non-committal adventure and bonding time with the roomie, you step out of your apartment and begin perusing. Two girls sit on the curb, chatting away. "Come on, dude. We got this," says Jackson. You approach the girls. "Hey, how's it going?" Jackson offers the bait. "We're good!" the blonder of the two girls says. Jackson freezes. It's clear that he isn't totally comfortable talking to girls. Luckily, you're there to save him. "Is this your first semester at BYU?" you ask, accented with enthusiasm. "Yes!" both girls agree. "Cool!" Nervous 18-year-olds, the girls eat up the welcoming advance. You ask what they've busied themselves with since moving in. They answer vaguely and return the queston. "Not much," you laugh, "I'm new here on campus too so I don't have any friends." "...We'll be your friends." The four of you exchange phone numbers. You learn they are Kendra and Megan. That night, Jackson turns to you. "You know they're pretty cute. Well, I like Megan. Kendra's pretty, but I think she's a little heavy for my taste. You know, not that she's fat--because she isn't, at all--but she... I don't know." You don't smile or nod. You have their numbers. [[Ask them on a double date.]] [[Leave the dating to Jackson. You'll see them around.|Pick your major]]

Jackson blinks. "Your loss, dude," he says. (if: $mission is "false")[He cocks his head, "Well, maybe you should wait until after your mission."] He proceeds to tell you about a girl in his bowling class. [[Keep on livin'.|Pick your major]]

You go on a double date to one of Provo's many escape rooms and eat some frozen yogurt. Your date, Kendra, doesn't seem too interested in you (or Jackson.) She's nice but you're definitely not interested in her (or Megan) either. That's over. [[Keep on livin'.|Pick your major]]

Pick your major. [[Sociology]] [[Business]] [[Art]] [[Engineering]]

You get a custodial job in the Wilkinson Student Center. One of your co-workers is a girl named Mandy whom you met briefly in high school. As inglorious as work is, it's pretty bearable. You get along with your co-workers. You all laugh and have a good itme. One fateful day, Mandy asks you on a date. [["You know, this dating thing isn't working out for me."|Mandy no date]] [["Sure!"]] (set: $collegejob to "true")

You go to a roller skating rink with Mandy. You spend most of your time skating in a circle around the rink together talking. She's intrigued by much of what you say. "You know, you're not like any other guy I've ever met before," she notes. You are enjoying yourself. She is smart and funny. She's pretty, even if you aren't plainly attracted to her, physically speaking. All in all, you have a really good time. On the drive home, you have a thought. What if you went on more dates? [[Tell her you want to go on more dates.]] [[Thank her for the date, nothing more.]]

You apply for scholarships. Fortunately, you get some, but it doesn't cover all your expenses. Still, you could last through the next two semesters until you get a summer job. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]] (set: $collegejob to "false")

You go on. "So you don't date at all?" she asks, perplexed. "No... It's complicated." Mandy's expression says she's trying to read you. "I'm sorry," you finish. She shrugs and walks away. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]]

You're at BYU, living in Provo. Your major is $major. How are you going to pay for school? Your parents can't cover it all. [[Get a job.]] [[Try to live off of scholarships.]]

You get a job in a rental shop at a ski resort. That's pretty fly for a high school kid! You spend your days organizing snowshoes and peddling handwarmers. You don't usually have many shoppers visiting at once, so you spend a lot of time chatting with your co-workers. One of them is Blake. Blake is a boy a year older than you and you have hit it off. You have the same interests and sense of humor. Blake invites you to go see a movie one day. [[Go see a movie.]] (set: $teenjobdone to "true")

You go with Blake to see Fast & Flabberghasted 19. Good movie, but you wish there was more drifting. You both rave about the crazy ending chase scene. (if: $GFKira is "false")[You continue to work with Blake. One day, you two are alone in the store. You are standing at the counter reorganizing the cash register while laughing and chatting with Blake. He comes up behind you, rests his head on your shoulder and sticks his hands in your pockets. [[Jump away from Blake and the register.]] [[Keep organizing the register.]]](if:$GFKira is "true")[One day at work, you mention in passing to Blake that you have a girlfriend. "Oh, cool," he seems surprised. He goes back to work. [[Keep on livin'|16]]] (set: $teenjobdone to "true")

You sort through the fives and tens and realize that there are a couple in the wrong spot, so you split them up accordingly. Blake lifts his head off your shoulder but keeps his hands in your pockets. "Psh. Some people can't keep the bills straight," he says. He takes his hands out and walks away. Hm. [[Keep on workin'.]]

One day while you are wiping down the counter, Blake sticks his hand in your pocket again, but this time it's your back pocket. "I might have to clock out early. I told Ellie and she was cool with it," he says nonchalantly, then he walks away. [[Keep on workin'.|workin 2]]

You're getting used to Blake becoming increasingly touch-friendly with you. He texts you one day to ask if you'd be interested in hanging out at his house to play some Call of Duty. [[Hang out with Blake.]] [[Say no; you have a history paper due.]] [[Say no; he's making you uncomfortable.]]

You play Call of Duty with Blake in his basement bedroom at his parents' house. You sit next to each other on his futon. You notice that he is seated close to you with his thigh touching yours. You're both laughing and smiling. He really gets you. After one game, you're laughing about how much the other team sucked when Blake lifts his hand and places it on yours, which is rested on your knee. He asks how school's going. [[Scoot away awkwardly.]] [[Let him hold your hand and talk.]]

You say no to Blake. He nods. Slipped out of that one. A week later, he asks you the same thing. [[Say no; he's making you uncomfortable.]] [[Hang out with Blake.]]

Blake blushes. He turns away. He can't seem to make eye contact with you at work anymore. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]

You lurch away from Blake. He looks embarrassed. You answer that school has been okay. Conversation dies. You say you've got an English paper to work on so you have to run. You leave. At work that weekend, Blake hardly talks to you. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]

Blake's thumb strokes the back of your hand while you talk about your stressful history paper. "You know, I kinda think... you're pretty cool," he says. You look at him. He leans toward you and kisses your lips. What just happened? You go home that day, elated and mortified. Blake understands you like no one else. You have grown to care about each other. But... he's a guy and so are you. What would people say if they found out? [[Text Blake and say you don't want to hang out anymore.]] [[Let things play out.]] (set: $BFBlake to "true")

You text Blake. His response is brief: "Sry. I got carried away" You go to work that next weekend. Blake seems busier--and more serious--than usual. He doesn't say much. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $BFBlake to "false")

You hang out with Blake multiple times a week now. You have been kissing and holding hands. He rubs your back when no one is looking at work. You keep each other laughing and you talk about your darkest fears. One thing leads to another and eventually you fall in deeper. One day, Blake asks if you want to have a sleepover. "I hope this is okay... but I really like you. I like being with you. And I kinda want to go all the way with you..." [[Smile and nod.]] [[Back out. This is too much.]]

You both tell your respective oblivious parents that you're having a sleepover. In Blake's room, his futon is laid out with a sheet over it. He locks the door. In your boxers, you start watching a movie together. Within an hour, you're both wiped out, sweaty, and asleep. You wake up a couple hours later. The DVD menu is on repeat. Blake is asleep next to you. You went all the way. "Dear God..." you pray. [[Get dressed and sneak out.]] [[Fall back asleep.]] (set: $GayVirgin to "false")

You shake your head, "That's too far." Blake looks at you, confused. "Oh, okay... I'm sorry..." he says. He stops talking to you at work. [[Keep on livin'|16]] (set: $BFBlake to "false")

You put on your clothes and sneak out without Blake nor his parents upstairs noticing. It's dark outside. In the morning, Blake texts you and asks where you went. You respond with a text: "I cant do this anymore. Im sorry" You quit your job at the ski shop. [[Keep on livin'|16]]

You wake up in the morning with Blake awake next to you, leaning up on his elbows, still undressed. You look at him. He smiles warmly, but he seems uneasy. You feel a rush of affection for him, but you're a little anxious too. You're both Mormon. This is definitely not okay. [[Ask if he wants to "come out" with you as gay.]] [[Let things play out.|Blake breakup]]

You jump away, startled. Blake laughs. "You jumped like a whole foot!" He shakes his head and chuckles as walks toward the ski boots. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]

Blake seems surprised. He bites his lip, "I'll have to think about it." You go home. [[Wait to hear from Blake.]]

You eventually get dressed and go home. A few days later, you haven't heard from Blake. Neither of you have been working at the same time. You shoot him a text to ask what's up. You get a text back: "Don't talk to me anymore please" Ouch. Wasn't this all his idea? He started this, didn't he? He would tell you he loved you. Did he? You come to work one day and overhear the manager Ellie stressing out about how Blake suddenly quit his job at the ski shop. [[Cry and then keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $GayVirgin to "secret")

A few days later, Blake pulls you aside at work. He takes a deep breath, "Okay, I'm ready." You smile and nod. [[Come out of the closet.]]

When you tell your parents, they're appalled. They forbid you from seeing Blake again and insist you quit your job. [[Refuse. You love him.]] [[Submit to your parents' wishes.]] (set: $COparents to "out")

"I can't... We gave each other everything. I can't turn back on him now." Your mom starts crying. Your dad is tearing up too. He's probably mad, you think. "You don't know what you're doing," he says, "You're still so young." [[Keep on livin'.|Gay with Blake]]

You start to cry too. It's uncomfortable to be crying as a 16-year-old boy, but you're heart-broken. "Fine," you say. You storm off to your room. When you see your mom, the next morning, she gives you a hug. "I love you," she says. You quit your job. Your parents encourage you to talk to your bishop. [[Talk to your bishop.]] [[Don't talk to your bishop.]]

Blake also came out to his parents. They responded much the same as yours. You go to different schools, but you spend time together nearly every day. You can't meet each other at your parents' houses, so you meet elsewhere, always in search of privacy. One night you sit together in a well-shaded park. "I love you," Blake says. [[Keep on livin'.|18yo gay with blake]]

You tell your bishop about Blake and your relationship. His eyes slowly open wider and wider. "I hope you understand, this is serious..." he says. You nod, tears streaming down your face. "Know that your Heavenly Father still loves you and He'll help you get through this. It won't be easy, but the Lord will help you." You stop blessing or partaking of the sacrament at church. Your friends in your priest's quorum know you did it, but they have no idea who you did it with. A couple of them don't seem to know what to say to you anymore. The adults in the ward watch you from afar. Some keep their kids away from you. Some of your former Young Mens leaders and some neighborhood moms approach you and put a hand on your shoulder. "Are you alright?" they ask, "...Remember, if you need anything, I'm always here for you, buddy." You smile sadly and nod. [[Keep on livin'.|repentance]]

You keep your secrets. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $GayVirgin to "secret")

You read your scriptures daily and pray. You can't get away from the guilt. Eventually, you are allowed to partake of the Sacrament again. Your bishop gives you a hug and pats you on the back. "I'm proud of you, son," he says warmly. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $GayVirgin to "true")

You are now 18 years old. You are still dating Blake. Of course, you don't go to church and don't consider yourself at all Mormon. At this point, your parents have accepted it, but they are sad you turned away from the faith. Blake is 19. He's going to school at UVU, studying economics. You've talked about moving in with him. But what are you doing for your future? [[Join Blake at UVU.]] [[Move in with Blake and enter the workforce.]] [[Enroll in college out of state.]]

You enroll at UVU. There are a lot of Mormons at school. Some talk to you normally, but you sense that many feel uncomfortable when they see you with Blake. Your parents have had your church records moved to a local young single adult ward. You get a message from the ward elder's quorum president. You ignore it. "They never tried to understand," you tell Blake. You sign up for a couple classes with Blake. Now that you live and go to school together, you see each other all the time. You hold hands in class. You eat lunch together. And then you get to go home together. THE END. [[Afterword]]

You move into Blake's apartment and get a job doing sales for a large energy company. It pays well. You spend your evenings together, thrilled to finally be together freely. (if: $ActMasc is "yes")[Your co-workers are surprised when they learn you are gay. "You're so normal," they say. ] Three months later, after a long day of work, you come home. Blake is out at school. It looks like he left in a rush. His backpack is on your kitchen counter. You should put it away. You pick it up. Your hand brushes against an unusual square lump in the outer pocket. Curious, you open the pocket. It's a ringbox. THE END. [[Afterword]]

You enrolled at Midchest University in Arkansas. Blake is upset that you're leaving him. He tells you this is the end of your relationship. You have a new start. [[Live openly gay.]] [[Keep it safe; keep it secret.]]

The semester starts at Midchest University. There are a lot more openly gay people here. Your future looks very different from your past. You are free to get wrapped up in a wider gay culture not found in Utah Valley if you want. You can date a new guy. You can party. You miss Blake, but there's enough going on here to keep you busy. So far, you see no reason to look back. THE END. [[Afterword]]

The semester starts at Midchest University. No one knows you're gay. You aren't sure what you want from school life yet. You could party. You could date or hookup with a girl. You could even go back to church. But is that what you want? THE END. [[Afterword]]

It frustrates me when, after learning that I identify as gay, Latter-day Saints on all sides of queer issues try to relate or offer counsel and advice. They rarely ask what I think and even less how it feels. Personally, I'd find that helpful. This game was created for a Media Arts class at Brigham Young University, a school owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I created the game as a gay Mormon who is well-acquainted with heteronormativity and its subliminal strength in Mormon culture. The game is simple but it hopefully helps players understand the confusion that LGBTQ youth experience in Mormon culture, particularly in Utah. I am currently an active member of the LDS Church, and I do not mean to discredit the Church. At the same time, I don't mean to tell LGBTQ people what they ought to do or that one way to live is wrong and one way is right. The events in the game are primarily a hodge-podge of experiences from my own life and those of friends and acquaintances. Notably, the game does not cover any of the graphic abuse that LGBTQ youth so regularly experience. The family situation of the protagonist is more forgiving than it is for many LGBTQ young people I know. This comes in large part because the game is meant to focus on subliminal heternormativity rather than overt homophobia. Regardless of how you feel about gender issues, please consider the confusion and struggles faced by LGBTQ youth as they hear different accounts from family, the media, and education of what their feelings mean. [[Start over.|Start]]

You get older. At sixteen, you start going on dates. Slightly more often than the other way around, girls ask you on dates, but you ask girls, mostly your friends, to go to school dances with you. You still experience same-sex attraction, but you're trying to keep it under control. (if: $ActMasc is "yes")[You try hard not to do anything too femmy or flashy. Try not to let people know //too// much about you.] [[Continue|16]]

You go to your first class, math. (if: $BFBlake is "false")[(if: $Sadieshappened is "false")[Your friend Kira is there, sitting next to you. You are doing some group work on a complex problem. Naturally, you are working with Kira, your designated class partner. You are whittling away at a story problem when Kira sets down her pencil. "Hey..." Kira mumbles shyly, "I know this is a little late, and I'm not doing anything special to ask you... but I was wondering if you would be willing to go to Sadie's with me?" [[Say yes.]] [[Say no.]]]] (if: $BFBlake is "true")[Polynomials. You overhear a conversation between two girls. One explains how she can tell if a boy likes her by watching to see if his pupils dilate. You didn't get much sleep last night so you fall asleep. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]](if: $Sadieshappened is "true")[Polynomials. You overhear a conversation between two boys. One explains how he can tell if a girl likes him by watching to see if her pupils dilate. You didn't get much sleep last night so you fall asleep. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]]

You go to Sadie's with Kira. She has you wear a handpainted t-shirt with a picture of a lion. Hers is a tiger. You are in a group of several couples. For a day date, you play three-legged tag. Kira asks you to catch her if she trips over. The dance is at the school. During the dance, Kira seems to be enjoying herself. "Woo! It's hot. You wanna go outside for a minute?" You smile and nod. You sit on the school lawn and look at the stars. She sighs and rests her head on your shoulder. You aren't sure what to do. "You know; I think you're kinda cute," she sighs. The date ends and she takes you home. She stands at your parents doorstep, looking at you expectantly. [[Kiss her.]] [[Give her a hug and thank her for the date.]] (set: $Sadieshappened to "true")

"Oh... okay," she says. That was awkward. You do your work separately for the remainder of class. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $Sadieshappened to "true")

You lean in. You've never kissed a girl (or boy) before so you are worried about missing, so you squint instead of closing your eyes all the way. Your aim was on. She beams. "Um... does this maybe mean... that we're dating?" she asks, blushing. [["Yes."]] [["Oh, no. Sorry..."]]

You do just that. "Have a good night," you say as you go inside. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]

Kira giggles a little. During lunch at school the next Monday she sits close to you and lays her hand palm up on her knee. Taking the hint, you place your hand on hers. You start going on dates. You kiss her after each one, but nothing too exciting. You have no desire for anything more passionate. Are you being insincere? Is this a good idea? [[Keep dating Kira.]] [[Tell her you are attracted to boys.]] [[Break up and blame it on something else.]]

Kira's shocked. "That meant nothing to you!?" she says, tearing up. She chokes on her words, "you... I can't believe you..." She doesn't speak to you anymore. [[Keep on livin'.|16]]

You keep dating Kira. The time you spend together is enjoyable. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $GFKira to "true")

One evening, you take Kira for a drive in your parents' car. She seems to sense your nervousness. "Kira, I want you to know that I like spending time with you." "What's up?" she asks. "I'm... I feel like I'm not being fair with you. I like you, but... I'm attracted to guys. Physically." She stares. "What?" Her emotions are rising. A day later, she breaks up with you. [[Keep on livin' and try to avoid breaking any more hearts.|16]]

You walk with Kira down the school hallway after school gets out. It's empty. "Hey, Kira," you say, holding your textbooks defensively over your chest, "I need to tell you something." She reacts inquisitively, "What is it?" "I've had a lot of fun going on dates with you... but I think we should break up?" "Why...?" "I... don't feel right about this," you finally say. "That's all!?" You clench your teeth and nod. Kira looks away from you. She inhales sharply. Her eyes redden with growing tears. "Kira..." you try to reach your arm around her. She steps away. "I'm--I'm okay. I... need some time alone," she walks briskly toward the girls' restroom. [[Keep on livin' and try not to break any more hearts.|16]] (set: $GFKira to "false")

You talk to your stake president about going on a mission and your past with Blake must be disclosed. Your stake president believes you are penitent, but believes you should not actually go on a mission. "The truth is, for some people, it's just not right," he admits. He persuades you to go to college instead. [[Go to college.]]

You knock at your parents' door. "Come in!" comes the sound of your mom's voice. You walk in and sit down on their bed. "Mom and Dad... I like... I am... Sometimes I get... feelings. When I look at other guys. And... it's honestly disgusting to me." They look at you. Your mom's jaw sets. "I wouldn't say I'm //gay//... and I don't know what caused this." "Don't let other people tell you what to think about yourself," your mom says softly. "We love you," your Dad says. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $COparents to "out")

You apply to NYU and you are accepted. When you roll up in New York, it's nothing like Utah. For one, the people are far more progressive. Homosexuality is widely accepted. You're thinking about studying journalism or film. There are a lot of gay people either way. It would be hard to tell people you're gay and that you don't plan on doing anything with it. You realize you have a choice. [[Leave your Mormon past behind and embrace your homosexuality.]] [[Hold to your testimony.]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You reject your roommates' offers of beer and invitations. One of them, Kevin, is openly gay. When he finds out you're Mormon, he poses a straightforward question. "Why won't your church let people be gay?" You can't dodge this one. [[Give an explanation and also mention that you're homosexual.]] [[Give him an explanation, but keep your secret.]]

The first people that find out you are gay are your roommates in your dorm. They don't seem to think much of it. Except for Kevin. Kevin's gay. Kevin gets excited and invites you to meet his gay friends. He knows the area, so he shows you his favorite gay bar. Your gay NYU experience lay ahead. You could hook up, go to gay parties and bars, or find a nice guy and take it slow. Could you go back to the Mormon Church? Maybe one day. But it would be hard. THE END. [[Afterword]]

You talk about eternal marriage and tell Kevin you're gay but you plan not to date any men. Women, maybe. He gives you a disapproving look. "Don't you realizing you're upholding heteronormativity? You're holding us all back." THE END. [[Afterword]]

You explain that Mormons believe in eternal marriage and eternal families, which cannot happen with a homosexual relationship. Kevin shakes his head, "But they still say it's 'wrong,' right? Your church is full of bigots." You continue your life at NYU while staying quiet about your same-sex attraction. The progressive university encourages students to be true to themselves. According to them, you aren't being true to yourself. THE END. [[Afterword]]

You are living in Provo, attending BYU. Your major is $major. (if: $medication is "false")[School work piles up quickly, and you're continually stressed. You don't have a lot of friends at school. You have a lot of life decisions to make, and the fact that you are attracted to the same sex does not make it any easier.] [[Go to your YSA ward.]] [[Study!]] [[Look into student organizations to get involved.]] (if:$Mandyrelationship is "0" or "1")[[[Think about dating.|Think about dating.]]] (if: $Mandyrelationship is "1")[[[Go on another date with Mandy.|Go on another date with Mandy.]]](if: $Mandyrelationship is "2")[[[Keep dating Mandy.|Keep dating Mandy.]]](if: $celibateoption is "true")[[[Vow yourself to the celibate life.|Stick to celibacy.]]]

You go to your YSA ward. You're sitting in Sacrament Meeting when your bishop is giving a talk. He's one of the go-getters. He challenges each young man in the ward to go on two dates a week.(if: $mission is "no")[ You meet someone in the hall afterward who asks you where you went on your mission. You say you didn't go.] [[Go to Gospel Doctrine.]]

In the Gospel Doctrine class, you discuss the "New and Everlasting Covenant" in the Doctrine & Covenants. One guy talks about how much he appreciates his parents' temple marriage. He is happy that the Lord has given His children the blessing of eternal marriage because it provides an opportunity to learn, grow, not think about oneself, and find joy in love. [[Go to elder's quorum.]]

You go to elders quorum. There, one of the elders quorum president's counselors gets up to talk about coming home teaching assignments. "It will take us a couple weeks to get everything together, but we are getting it all together as fast as we can. We have a good run for strong home teaching in our ward." A member of the bishopric speaks up, "Remember guys, some of these girls are freshmen and are away from home for the first time. Make sure they know they can count on you for Priesthood blessings. But not just the freshmen. The sisters in our ward have often expressed how thankful they are for the faithful priesthood holders in our ward. They really admire you. Give them reason to. And I know it's cliché, but remember you are sons of God." [[Go home.|BYU life]]

You tell her just that. Her smile blooms. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]] (set: $Mandyrelationship to "1")

"Thanks for going with me!" she says as she drops you off at your apartment. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]]

You go on a date with Mandy. You watch a play then get ice cream. It's good; you've never felt so understood by someone. You like being around her. But are you leading her on? [[Keep going on dates.]] [[End it here.]] (set: $Mandyrelationship to "2")

At the end of the date, you tell Mandy that you're really glad she came. You ask if she would want to go out again sometime. She says yes. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]]

The end of your second date with Mandy comes. You do nothing special nor say anything that could hint you'd want to continue dating. You don't ask her on any more dates, and she doesn't ask you. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]] (set: $Mandyrelationship to "0")

You go on more dates. Soon, it's pretty much official, though unspoken. However, Mandy does not know you're gay. Is this fair to her? On the other hand, don't you want to raise a family within the Church? [[Tell her you're gay and break it off.]] [[Tell her you're gay but you want to keep dating her.]] [[Don't tell her you're gay and break it off.]] [[Keep dating but don't tell her.]]

You are on a walk in the campus gardens with Mandy. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you," you say suddenly. "What is it?" she asks. "Mandy... I'm sorry. I'm gay. I'm attracted to men. I feel like I'm deceiving you and I want to stop." "Oh..." she looks at the ground, eyes wide open. "I've enjoyed this, but I want you to find someone who can love you more, at least in the physical sense. I don't think we could make a happy life together." She nods, breathing a little harder. [[Keep on livin'--as a single gay Mormon man.]]

"Mandy," you say while driving with her home from a dinner at your parents' house, "there's something I should say." "What's that?" "It's a big deal. Maybe I should have told you sooner. I'm not sure this is fair to you, but... I'm gay. I'm sexually attracted to men more than women." She seems deeply puzzled. "I want you to know though that I have no plans of leaving the Church. I've thought a lot about it and I think I want to marry a woman and have a family--whether that's you, or if things don't work out between us, with someone else." She starts speaking slowly, "Uh... this is kind of out of the blue..." "I know," you say, "and I'm sorry. But I think you're wonderful. You're intelligent, fun, charming, wise, and everything I could ask for. And of course, you're beautiful. But I don't want to pressure you. This is something I think you should think over and decide what you want to do." "That... would be good." You arrive at her apartment immediately thereafter. "Let me know if you have any questions," you say, "I'd be happy to answer." "Will do," she agrees softly. You hug and she leaves the car. [[Wait to hear from Mandy.]]

You go to visit Mandy at her apartment. "Hey," you say. "What is it?" she asks. "We need to talk. Want to go for a walk?" You go outside. After walking a short distance, you get to the elephant in the room. "Mandy, I don't think this relationship is going to work in the long term." Mandy's shocked. "Huh!?" "It's complicated. I can't explain. But we are just... incompatible. Trust me, you haven't done anything wrong. I think I'm just not ready for this." You make up an excuse as to why your personalities don't mesh. "Okay, I guess." she says, stunned. [[Keep on livin'--as a single gay Mormon man.]]

You date Mandy, feigning a deep blanket of straightness. She doesn't know. You go on dates. You kiss her. Then you try to kiss her with a pinch more passion. You hear an ad on the radio advertising rings and it gives you an idea. It's been several months, and you have never shown an eye for anyone beside her. Your family and friends must be wondering when you will propose. [[Buy a ring.]]

You're still gay and now you're single. Dating Mandy wasn't working out. You're not sure if it ever would. You're at BYU, so you can't date guys. Not publicly, anyway. ...Would you even consider that? [[Make a dating app profile looking for other men.]] [[Stick to celibacy.]]

You get help from Mandy's best friend in finding what she likes. You visit the LDS Provo City Center temple together sometimes. You schedule a visit at a time during the day when not many people will be around. Both dressed in nice clothes, you peruse through the temple grounds. You come up on a fountain with a statue of a family. She sits down at the fountain's edge and her gaze wanders to the statue. She's looking away. You clear your throat and start to speak. "Mandy, you know already I think you're beautiful." She looks to your face with an open expression. You go on, "But I think you're more than that. Actually, uh, I think you're the woman I want to spend the rest of forever with." You bend down on one knee. "Will you marry me for time and all eternity?" She smiles. You smile. Yet a part of you is afraid of what she doesn't know. THE END. [[Afterword]]

Mandy texts you and arranges to meet you a week later at a park. You grit your teeth. "I thought a lot about what you told me," she says, "and I don't think this changes anything between us." "Wow," you mutter. "But I have some questions. What if... what if we were to get married and then you decided one day that you were done?" Ouch. You know that's perhaps a legitimate concern, but it hurts to hear her imply that because you're gay, you're more likely to be unfaithful. Of course, if you aren't physically attracted to her... The talk goes on. She accepts your answers. [[Date Mandy more.]]

Now that the beans are spilled and your secrets exposed, your relationship is a little different, even if things weren't suppose to be. You feel like you can't hold her hand or kiss her without feeling you are being ingenuine. It's a struggle to develop physicality, and it becomes more normal, but you know your drive is not at all what it would be if you were straight. Maybe you really shouldn't marry a woman. You could still break it off. Or maybe this is worth it. [[Break it off.]] [[Give it your all.]]

You call Mandy and ask her to meet you at the park that night. "Mandy," you begin with difficulty, "I'm realizing this won't work. I don't think we can be truly happy together in the long run." "Okay," she responds resolutely, "that's fair." [[Keep on livin'. Alone.|BYU life]] (set: $celibateoption to "true") (set: $Mandyrelationship to "0")

You date Mandy with faith that things will work out. The Lord will help you. You'll be alright, even if you don't know what will happen. A couple months pass. You decide to propose. You start talking more about marriage and having children. You're sitting on the couch in your apartment. "So are you going to propose?" she chuckles. To her suprise, you pull a ringbox out of your pocket and pop it open. "For better or worse," you say. THE END. [[Afterword]]

Turns out there's a surprising number of guys your age in Provo who are open to dating men. How far will this go for you? You don't know. How many of these are actually BYU students, you wonder. You swipe through pictures of boys on your phone. Some definitely don't look like they go to BYU. Others are perfectly clean-cut and unassuming. You're not sure what this will bring. Maybe you want a kiss. Or maybe you want to love and be loved. You find one boy with a profile that you like and you send him a message: "Hey, how are you? :)" You close the app and jam your phone in your pocket. Your heart pounds. THE END. [[Afterword]]

You reorient your life to focus on your future career; if you won't be busy with family, you have to be busy with something. And you don't see yourself dating any other women in the near future, much less marrying one. Some gay members of the Church choose this and live very happy lives. Will it be lonely? Probably. Are you doomed to never being able to satisfy your body? Probably. That is, if you can endure to the end. THE END. [[Afterword]]

(if: $medication is "false")[You study a lot. That's a given. You're getting really stressed. Because of your same-sex attraction, you have become rather closed-off. Buckle up, tuck in your head, and plow through. [[Keep at it.]]] (if: $medication is "true")[You generally keep on top of things, though there are some rather intense stretches on occasion! [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]]]

There's a couple groups you're interested in. [[Go to Students for International Development.]] [[Go to Understanding Same-Gender Attraction.]] [[Go to the Karate Club.]]

You go to SID, or Students for International Development. These students are geared up for social action. On the day you go, the club is holding a "Privilege Bead Night." They've set up tables in a large room with tables that have papers and beads. You are given a string. The papers list various things you might not have thought about as difficulties that less-privileged people go through. Each table deals with a different social aspect including race, economic class, gender, and more. Every time you find a point in which you are priviliged, you put a bead on your string. As a middle-class white male, you have a lot of privilige, you find. Eventually you find a table with a paper labeled "SEXUAL ORIENTATION." You don't know anyone here, so they don't know you're gay. You read through the points but ultimately never grab a bead at that table. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]]

You go to USGA, which is located off campus in the city library. You quietly find a seat in the back row. It's "testimony meeting," so attendees are sharing what they feel and believe. Some are staunch members of the Church. Others make no mention of it. A handful mention that they are transferring schools with a tearful farewell to their clubmates. You enjoy hearing their stories. You realize that you have been somewhat isolated from communicating with other gay people. And you'd never gotten to know any transgender or non-binary people before. They just hadn't been around. [[Keep livin' life.|BYU life]]

You go to karate! It's nice to get away from your problems. As someone who's never done martial arts, you're slightly better than you expected. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]]

You keep yourself constantly busy. You don't have many friends, which doesn't help you unwind at all. [[Keep at it some more.]]

Atta boy. Your professors are piling it on. Sometimes you wonder how you are supposed to go to fifteen hours of class, do thirty to forty-five hours of homework, attend church, hopefully avoid homework on Sundays, magnify your church calling, go on heterosexual dates, be active in student organizations, go to your assigned FHE group, keep contact with your family, and enjoy your college experience by spending time with friends hiking mountains or whatever other wholesome recreational activity. And you are kind of alone. After all, no one can really understand what you're going through. And you wonder how much they would freak out if they did know. [[Carry on.]]

Meanwhile, you are having trouble getting yourself to do your homework at all. You are trying to pull all-nighters multiple nights in a row to get things done. What if you could end this? After all, is your future really that gloriously bright? [[Contemplate that.]]

You're gay. But you're a Mormon. That means one of three things: - You must marry a woman and ignore your homosexual feelings. - You must remain celibate all your life, never having a family or lover. - Leave the Church and seek out love with a man somehow, somewhere. But could you really do any of those things? [[Contemplate more.]]

You are becoming increasingly depressed. You bury yourself in schoolwork, but that only makes you feel worse. Every option for your future seems wrong and impossible. It might be better if you didn't have to worry about it. You notice your roommate has a pill bottle on the counter. You wonder what it is. [[Trudge on.]]

Your parents have noticed from your weekly dinners that you are not doing well. "I hear there's a great counseling department at BYU," your mom whispers to you. [[Roll your eyes and insist that you're fine.]]

You go back to your apartment. A few days later, you are feeling awful. And you're horny too to make it all worse. Am I old enough to buy a gun, you wonder. ... Maybe you should go in to get this checked. But then again, other students seem to be handling themselves fine. You're just weak. (if: $mission is "no")[After all, you weren't even strong enough to go on a mission.] (if: $mission is "early")[After all, you weren't even strong enough to finish your mission.] [[Schedule an appointment with counseling.]] [[You're just being weak. Tough it out.]]

You call BYU's Counseling and Psychological Services to schedule an appointment. The time of the appointment comes and you find the CAPS office. There are a lot of other students there, all not making eye contact. A voice calls your name. You're meeting with Dr. Brown. You stand up from your waiting chair, walk to him, shake his hand, smile, and follow him to another room. He asks what's going on. You spill it. All of it. "I'm a mess," you finish. Dr. Brown leans in to look at your face, "you're wondering why you are so cut-off from people? You're a Mormon and you're gay!" No one's ever called you gay before after you told them you experience same-sex attraction. No one besides yourself, that is. But you always told other people you didn't like labels. "I'm hearing that you have a lot inwardly-directed homophobia and some self-hate..." he says, "I think you should keep coming in, at least every other week, once a week if you can." [["No, thanks."|You're just being weak. Tough it out.]] [[Schedule a return appointment.]]

Life gets dark. You're in agony. You can't seem to handle life at all. //You're too weak for it,// you say to yourself. And your future will forever be uncertain since you are gay. You try to get your homework done. Usually, you succeed. If you don't sleep. You want to make friends, but you can't seem to fit in. Maybe trying to fit in isn't worth it. Is homework worth it? If you want to have a future it is. But truth be told, you're pretty sure the future isn't worth it. THE END. [[Afterword]]

You keep meeting with Dr. Brown. He diagnoses you with depression. After several months of counseling, you both ultimately decide you should be medicated. You get a drug from the pharmacy. After several weeks and some adjustment to uncomfortable side effects, things start looking up. You've decided to try and accept your homosexuality if you aren't sure you will live by it. [[Keep on livin' with meds.]]

After a couple months, you have decided that you accept homosexuality as part of yourself. Whether you plan on kissing another man someday or not, you know that growing up homosexual has shaped you. It's changed how you react and perceive what people say and do. It could be connected to some personality traits that you do actually like about yourself. It feels good to like yourself again. [[Keep on livin'.|BYU life]] (set: $medication to "true")

You are thinking about dating. The normal thing to do would be ask a girl in one of your classes on a date. Or... if you really think that dating a girl wouldn't work, you could look into dating boys. (if: $Chloedate is "multiple")[Actually, you are pretty confident from recent events that it's unlikely you'll get much traction dating girls.] (if: $Chloedate is "false")[[[Ask a girl on a date.|Ask a girl on a date.]]](if: $Chloedate is "true")[[[Ask more girls on dates.|Ask more girls on dates.]]] [[How does a boy date other boys at BYU?]] (if: $Chloedate is "multiple")[[[Decide that celibacy is your best option.|Stick to celibacy.]]] [[Stop thinking about dating.|BYU life]]

(if: $Chloedate is "false")[You decide to ask out a girl in your Music 101 class. Her name is Chloe. She's nice. You go rock climbing with Chloe. It's fun, but to be truthful, you get nothing out of it. She's a nice girl though.] [[Think about dating.]] (set: $Chloedate to "true")

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to approach a guy in your classes. If you want to have a relationship with a boy involving any amount of kissing, affectionate hand-holding, or other romantic activity, you'll be violating the Honor Code. You could be reported. You're not sure what the university would do, but you don't want to find out. [[Never mind.|BYU life]] [[I wonder if there's something discrete.]]

There's always dating apps. You could meet a boy in Provo, maybe another lost gay BYU student, and go on a date. But you know that even something so small is a serious step, and there may be no going back. [[Never mind.|BYU life]] [[Make a dating app profile looking for other men.]]

You go on more dates with girls. No sparks fly. (set: $Chloedate to "multiple") [[Think about dating.]]

You feel that if you really want to go on a mission, you will need to tell your bishop and stake president about your relationship with Blake. Theoretically, you could keep it secret, but you're not going to move away for two years because other people want you to. [[Talk to stake president.|missionfailure]] [[Don't go on a mission.]]

You do some homework for your US history class. You need to use the internet to find some scholarly sources on the Manhattan Project. You procrastinated so you need to do it all today. After a couple hours, you decide it's time for a break. You browse some social media. You decide to log into that one Reddit account that you pretty much forgot you ever made. You stumble across a popular thread about homosexuality. Curious, you click the link and discover the accounts of various accounts of gay men's first homosexual encounters, often experiences from their teens. Some are markedly erotic. You panic and close the window quickly. However, you remember one particular post that described a young man's process "accepting himself." You quickly bury your mind back in your work. [[Keep on livin'.|16]] (set: $homeworkdone to "true")

What about? [[Talk about the movie.|Movie talk april]] [[Talk about the weather.|weather talk]] [[Talk about family.|family talk]]