<u>(text-style: "bold")[The Quest for the Milk]</u>
Today, is going to be a beautiful day, you just know it. The sun is out, the sky is blue, and you can hear the happy chorus of distant bird song. You have no commitments today – nowhere you have to be, nothing you have to do. It is a day that can be dedicated purely to your own happiness and self indulgence. Bliss.
You decide to open this perfect day with a leisurely breakfast. You fill the kettle, select your favourite cereal from the cupboard, and nonchalantly swing open the fridge door.
Disaster.
Calamity.
Horror.
There is no milk.
What do you do?
[[Forget it. Who needs milk? You prefer toast anyway]]
[[Take a leisurely stroll to the corner shop. ]]
[[Hop in the car, and go to the supermarket. ]]
You make yourself some toast and orange juice. You have a largely unremarkable day.
You then have another unremarkable day.
And another.
You live for a total of 25000 days each as unremarkable as the last.
You die of old age, surrounded by people about whom you felt largely ambivalent.
Your gravestone reads “He loved toast.”
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You hum happily to yourself as you make your way up the street. You can see the shop just ahead, and they’re guaranteed to have milk. This brief detour will soon be over, and your day safely back on track.
You notice however that there is an elderly lady, struggling to carry her own shopping bags. She drops them, scattering oranges across the footpath. A cabbage rolls towards you, and you neatly trap it with your foot – resisting the urge to treat it as a football.
She asks you to help her.
Do you…
[[Help the old lady with her shopping.]]
[[Carry on your way. After all she’s managed this long without help. Right? ]]
You decide to set off to the supermarket.
As you pull into the car-park, you notice that it’s busier than normal. You had hoped you would be able to just nip in quickly, but now nightmare visions of hordes of brain-dead shoppers torment you.
Still. You’re here now – you’d best get on with it.
You lock the car and enter the supermarket, marching purposefully towards the milk aisle. You notice a little boy stood in the corner, he’s mournfully swinging a plastic lightsaber back and forth whilst crying.
Do you…
[[Ask the little boy what’s wrong]]
[[Go get the milk.|Milk Aisle]]
You spot an orange rolling down the hill, and set off in hot pursuit – scooping it up just before it’s about to land in a puddle. With a certain amount of satisfaction, you help retrieve the rest of her groceries, and pack them away for her.
Feeling virtuous, you offer to carry the bags.
She smiles, a big wide (gap) toothy grin. “Why, thank you young man, you’re so very kind. But, I wonder… No I couldn’t ask…”
You gently encourage her to ask whatever it is.
“Well, my bones aren’t what they were, and I think I’ve broken my ankle. Is there… Is there any chance you could carry me too?”
You look at her. She’s a tiny, birdlike thing, and you realise you could probably just about manage to carry her on your back, although you’re not particularly keen.
Do you…
[[Agree to give her a piggy back.]]
[[Politely explain that you’re actually in a bit of a hurry, sorry. And carry on to the shop.|Carry on your way. After all she’s managed this long without help. Right? ]]
You arrive at the shop, taking a brief look back behind you to wonder what would have happened if you had done as the old lady had asked.
You shrug it off, dodge past a little girl with plaits playing with her scooter, and open the door - to be greeted by the familiar tinkling of the bell.
It’s a small shop with just two aisles, a refrigerated isle, where you’re sure to find the milk you’re seeking, and another packed with booze and sweets.
Whilst you came for milk, you cannot help but feel drawn towards the rows of delights.
Do you…
[[Get the milk. That’s why I’m here.|Get the milk]]
[[Grab a bar of chocolate first.]]
Yes, it’s the morning. Yes, it’s bad for you. No, you haven’t had breakfast yet, but still – the lure of chocolate is too much to resist. You head over to the confectionary aisle and peruse your options. Suddenly, nestled between the Dairy Milk and the Toffee Crisp, you notice a small flashing light.
Do you…
[[Investigate the light]]
[[Decide that maybe someone’s remotely monitoring your chocolate consumption, and opt to just get the milk after all.|Get the milk]]
You agree to give the lady a lift, and bend your knees slightly. She jumps up onto your back with surprising agility, and you can’t help the suspicion that you’ve been had.
You start to trudge back down the road, following her directions. As you pass your own front door, you’re inevitably disappointed to find that you’re getting further away from your destination.
Meanwhile you notice that the old lady is getting progressively heavier, and heavier.
Do you…
[[Politely ask to put her down.]]
[[Carry on walking.]]
You explain that, actually, she’s getting a bit heavy for you to carry, and ask if you could, perhaps, put her down.
She cackles loudly in your ear, “No! No! No! You’re carrying me the whole way home” Her arms and legs tighten around you. There’s no way you can simply just put her down.
Do you…
[[Grudgingly carry on walking.|Carry on walking.]]
[[Throw her forcibly to the ground.]]
You carry on walking. She continues to get heavier, and heavier. Her directions lead you to a dark forest, that you don’t remember ever having seen before. As you step into the forest you feel as if a hundred eyes are watching you. The sounds of strange creatures echo through the trees. It is suddenly, and inexplicably, night.
The old lady is now so heavy you can barely stand, and every step is agony. The old lady cackles madly whenever you stumble, and any attempt to put her to the ground is met with her arms and legs tightening painfully around you.
You can see a clearing in the woods ahead – there is a dilapidated tumble down shack in the centre. The old lady indicates that this is her home. Unfortunately she also points out that the only way to get there is to clamber through thick gorse bushes, and that she fully expects you to do just that, whilst still carrying her.
Do you…
[[Decide you’ve had enough, and throw her forcibly to the ground.|Throw her forcibly to the ground.]]
[[Go along with it – how much worse can it get?]]
You decide you’ve had enough of this weird cackling hag clinging to your back. With a sudden heave you bend forwards, and throw her over your shoulders. She lands with a loud crack, in a heap on the ground in front of you, then screams with pain.
It occurs to you, rather too late, that perhaps you’ve overdone it slightly.
She mutters darkly to herself, you notice that one of her legs is pointing at an awkward angle to the rest of her body. As she whispers into the night, the leg bends, contorts, clicks, then moves into place. She leaps to her feet, with the ease of a 20 year old who’s just been offered a pint.
A wicked grin forms on her face, as she reaches into her jacket, and produces a long thin piece of wood. “Fool!” She screams, “You don’t know who you’re dealing with!”
She raises her wand above her head, twirls it dramatically, then points it straight at you. There is a crack of thunder, a flash of light, and you find yourself shrinking rapidly. Your legs shorten and thicken, your hands reduce back into almost nothing, skin changing to a dark browny green.
You attempt to speak, and let out nothing but a slightly pathetic croak.
You’ve been turned into a frog.
What do you do?
[[Attempt to seek froggy revenge upon your tormentor.]]
[[Accept your fate.]]
Swearing under your breath you force yourself through the gorse bushes, thorns making a thousand tiny cuts in your arms and legs. The old woman doesn’t seem remotely concerned, and once you arrive at the house she jumps lightly from your back, and snatches up her shopping.
“So. I suppose you want a cup of tea now, do you?”
You shrug, and suggest that what you’d really like is a bottle of milk if she has one going spare. She squints slightly, and scrutinises you carefully.
“If it’s milk you want, it’s milk you’ll have. All in good time though. First, I need some tea, rest my weary legs after all that walking.”
(You resist the urge to point out who, exactly, had been doing the walking.)
“Whilst I brew up the kettle, be a dear would you, and feed the goose?”
She points towards a little shed at the outskirts of the clearing.
Do you…
[[Point out that, really, you’ve done plenty already, and you’d like some milk if it’s all the same…]]
[[Oh go on then. We’ll feed the goose… ]]
Letting out an almighty battle ribbit, you launch yourself at the witch’s face.
She steps back, lets you crash to the floor, then stamps on your soft defenceless body.
You are, pretty predictably, dead.
Seriously - frog versus witch - what else did you expect?
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You hop mournfully away into some nearby bushes, the shouts of the witches curses ringing in your tympana. You spend that first night lonely, afraid, and wondering how you’ll ever survive as a frog.
Pretty well, it turns out. Once you get used to the taste of flies, you become the greatest frog ever to have lived. Your superior human intelligence gives you a distinct advantage over other frogs, and you soon ascend to the ranks of Frog King. Whilst your life is short by human standards, it is, none the less, full.
Hundreds of years later, archeologists and biologists alike are astonished when they stumble upon the great frog city you had constructed beneath your old home - and the gold statue of your frog self becomes recognised as one of the great wonders of the world.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
(set: $bottle to 1)
You politely decline to feed the goose, and ask the old lady if you could, instead, have the milk she’d mentioned.
She looks briefly angry, then composes herself. “Very well young man. You walked a long way, with little reward.” She pauses, and waves at the land around her. “Sadly we don’t have any cows as yet, and so no milk. Had you stayed, well, cows we would have, and plenty of ‘em. But as it is, well, all I can give you is a bottle.”
She ignores your look of disdain, and pops inside the house. After much crashing, and smashing, she re-emerges carrying a little glass milk bottle.
“Here you are my dear. A milk bottle. But mark me, it is a magical bottle, for any milk placed inside it will never sour nor spill, lest you wish it.”
You look at her very long, and very hard.
She shrugs. “Yes, I know, it’s still empty. I told you – you should have waited for the cows. Now - off with you!” She pulls out a long wooden stick, and flourishes it at you.
There is a puff of smoke, and a light popping sound. Suddenly you find yourself stood right outside the corner shop. [[Suddenly you find yourself stood right outside the corner shop.]]
You stroll over to the goose shed. There’s a little grain store next to the shed, and a latch across the door. You take the grain, pour it into a bowl on the ground which, you assume is meant for the goose, and quickly unlock the door.
Instantly an enormous goose emerges, hissing furiously, wings flapping aggressively. It seems largely disinterested in its food, and much more interested in biting you.
You see a fairly hefty stick on the ground, and you snatch it up.
Do you…
[[Smack the goose with the stick.]]
[[Simply hold the stick out, in the hope of getting some distance from the goose.]]
You stand outside the shop and allow yourself a second to wonder what would have happened if you had done everything the old woman had asked.
You shrug it off, dodge past a little girl with plaits playing with her scooter, and open the door - to be greeted by the familiar tinkling of the bell.
It’s a small shop with just two aisles, a refrigerated aisle, where you’re sure to find the milk you’re seeking, and another packed with booze and sweets.
Whilst you came for milk, you cannot help but feel drawn towards the rows of delights.
Do you…
[[Get the milk. That’s why I’m here.|Get the milk]]
[[Grab a bar of chocolate first.]]
You push the chocolate to one side, to get a clearer look at the source of the flashing light. There is a sudden whirring noise, and the light rises on a long flexible metal stalk. It flickers twice, and points straight at you. Another rises to follow it, and both lights inspect you carefully.
Suddenly chocolate explodes around you, as the display case transforms into a giant mechanical creature. The two flickering lights cast one more look at you, and then the beast, now equipped with long telescoping legs, lumbers towards the door.
Do you…
[[Give chase]]
[[Try and pretend you never went anywhere near the chocolate, and take your chances with the milk instead.|Get the milk]]
You walk triumphantly towards the refrigerator aisle of the corner shop. Any minute now you will be the proud owner of some milk – bringer of cereal, tea, and milky coffee.
Your confidence is shaken briefly by the apparent lack of any milk cartons – there’s a ridiculous array of fizzy drinks, fruit juices, and over priced water, but little in the way of milk. Then, suddenly, you spot it. A single solitary carton, hidden behind a container of mango juice.
You scoop it up, then place it ceremoniously on the desk in front of Jim, the shopkeeper.
He holds it up. “Last one,” he remarks, “you’re lucky.” He points towards the array of newspapers next to you, and you cast your eye over the headlines.
MILK CRISIS CONTINUES
LACTOSE BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN
“We’ve not had any deliveries for a couple of days. This ‘Lactose Bandit’ keeps holding up milk trucks, kidnapping cows, the works…”
You agree that you are, indeed, lucky to have found the last carton of milk. You reach into your pocket, and then realise. You don’t have your wallet.
Do you…
[[Grab the milk and run]]
[[Try to persuade Jim to let you have it on credit.]]
You decide to chase after the mechanical beast, as it smashes out onto the street, gears whirring madly. It skitters slightly on the pavement, then bounds off down the road, like the bastard child of Godzilla and the Andrex puppy. You’re really not convinced that you can run that fast.
Looking around you see the little girl on her scooter.
Do you…
[[Steal the scooter.]]
[[Try and do it on foot.]]
You smack the goose round the head with a stick. It immediately transforms into the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.
More accurately, the most beautiful dead woman you’ve ever seen.
You stare at her body in horror – suddenly there is the sound of screaming from behind you. The old lady is running towards you waving a small wooden stick. You instinctively, but pointlessly, raise your own makeshift club.
Before you have the chance to act however, she points her wand towards you - there is a flash of lightning, a loud crack and…
She’s turned you into a frog.
Do you…
[[Attempt to seek froggy revenge upon your tormentor.]]
[[Accept your fate.]]
You hold the stick out in front of you, making sure the goose bites it, and not your fingers. Once it has the wood tightly in its mouth, you guide the goose slowly towards the bowl of food. Eventually it releases, and concentrates on eating its dinner instead.
No sooner has the goose taken a mouthful, then there is a blinding flash of light and there before you, is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen.
You hear a chuckle from behind you, and turn to see the old woman.
“I knew you were worthy,” she says. “This is Princess Christina – she was cursed to live as a goose as punishment for her conceitedness – a trait I’m certain she has cured herself of.” The princess gives a little curtsey. “She could only be saved by a someone who was honest, and selfless. Someone such as yourself. A person destined to marry her, so that they may rule together with wisdom and kindness…”
Do you…
Explain that you’re not really looking to marry any princesses right now, if it’s all the same. [[Seriously – you just want some milk.]]
[[Marry the princess.]]
(set: $bottle to 1)
You explain that you really just want some milk if it’s all the same. The princess looks crestfallen and runs off crying.
The Old Lady shrugs. “She’ll get over it. It’s the first time she’s asked anyone out since she was a goose.”
“Well then... You walked a long way, with little reward.” She pauses, and waves at the land around her. “Sadly we don’t have any cows as yet, and so no milk. Had you stayed, well, cows we would have, and plenty of ‘em. But as it is, well, all I can give you is a bottle.”
She ignores your look of disdain, and pops inside the house. After much crashing, and smashing, she re-emerges carrying a little glass milk bottle.
“Here you are my dear. A milk bottle. But mark me, it is a magical bottle, for any milk placed inside it will never sour nor spill, lest you wish it.”
You look at her very long, and very hard.
She shrugs. “Yes, I know, it’s still empty. I told you – you should have waited for the cows. Now - off with you!” She pulls out a long wooden stick, and flourishes it in your general direction.
There is a puff of smoke, and a light popping sound. [[Suddenly you find yourself stood right outside the corner shop.]]
You agree to marry the Princess.
Luckily for you, it turns out that she really has outgrown her conceitedness. In fact she’s every bit as lovely as she looks. You return to her Enchanted Castle, where you are greeted as a hero, and very soon, quite literally as a king.
You live a long, happy, exciting life. You have many children, and even more adventures. There are dragons, trolls, black knights, genies, floating castles and magic carpets. Your old life is forgotten, as if you are under some sort of spell.
Best of all, the royal cows ensure that you never, ever, want for milk.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You grab hold of the scooter, much to the surprise of the sweet little girl who’s riding it. She stands there in her cheesy red cape looking terrified - her eyes big and wide, her lower lip trembling.
Do you…
[[Go ahead and take it.]]
[[Offer to buy it from her.]]
You set off down the street - the machine smashing into streetlights, and pulling down power-lines ahead. You sprint through the devastation, dodging falling debris, sweat forming on your brow, your chest growing ever tighter. Meanwhile the mechanoid is getting further and further away. You just about manage to crest a hill, in time to see the monster rounding the corner of the road below. If you don’t catch up soon, you’ll lose it, but you can barely breathe.
It’s at this moment that the little girl in the scooter rolls up looking smug. “Hey, you! Wanna buy a thcooter?” she lisps.
You can’t see the mechanical beast any more - you need to act fast.
Do you…
Throw her your wallet, and [[jump on the scooter]]
[[Just take the scooter.|Go ahead and take it.]]
[[Keep running.]]
You snatch the scooter from the little girl, who immediately starts bawling. “You’re a bad man! You’re a very bad man!”
You jump on the scooter, and decide not to look back.
This, it turns out, is something of a mistake.
You feel a sudden searing pain in your left calf. You look down to see a flick knife embedded deep in your leg. You bend down to pull it out, turning to look at the girl as you do so. At that precise moment her foot connects with your face as she delivers a flying kick. Blood and teeth scatter across the pavement, and you drop to the ground.
She leaps on top of you, wrapping one of her pigtails around your neck, choking the breath from your body.
“Bad man! Bad man!” She screams - and is screaming it still when they finally prize her from your lifeless body.
Huh. Killed by a little girl. With pigtails.
Maybe you should go back and start again?
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You pull out your wallet, and offer to buy the little girl’s scooter from her. She gives you a huge smile, and lisping slightly says, “Give me all your money, and I’ll give you the thcooter.”
You’re just considering how much money you think the child imagines you’re carrying, when she jerks her wrist aggressively, and a flick knife pops open. She stares at you with murderous eyes.
Without a second thought you hand over your wallet, [[jump on the scooter]], and flee – relieved at least that you didn’t attempt to rob her.
You take the scooter, and set off down the hill in pursuit of the weird metal monster. You dodge niftily around an oncoming car, and manage to jump miraculously over some road works, landing with a screech at the corner at the end of the road. You see the beast lolloping towards what can only be described as a flying saucer.
The giant metal hubcap opens, and a ramp unfurls. The monster leaps on-board with a loud clanking sound, and the ramp starts to slowly retract once more.
Quick! What do you do?
[[Jump on board the saucer.]]
[[Go back to the shop and get the milk – you draw the line at space travel|Get the milk]]
You ignore the girl, and run down the hill at full tilt, your heart thumping in your chest, your lungs straining for air.
You skid dramatically to a stop at the bottom of the hill – you can’t see the creature anywhere. You’ve lost it, you’ve…
There is a sudden searing pain in your chest, and you drop to the ground, beads of sweat pouring down your face.
As you lie there, rapidly losing consciousness, you are aware of the little girl drawing next to you on her scooter.
You try to mouth the word “help”, but no sound comes. She leans over your body, and pulls open your jacket. With its last few bursts of energy you brain entertains the notion that she is about to attempt to resuscitate you. A few more neurons crackle wearily in your mind, and you understand that, no, she’s just looking for your wallet.
Having found it, she scoots off whistling a happy tune, leaving your lifeless body behind her.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
The saucer starts to lift from the ground. You leap from the scooter, and just manage to grab the edges of the ramp, and clamber on board.
You find yourself inside a small room with smooth shiny silver walls. The ramp has now withdrawn completely, and the wall sealed behind you. There is a small porthole through which you can see the world rapidly receding, and within a matter of minutes your home is replaced with the inky blackness of space.
You wonder whether this was, after all, such a great idea.
There’s a large metal door, with a large metal bolt across it. You open it cautiously to find a long dark corridor, ominous noises can be heard ahead.
Do you…
[[Go and explore the corridor.]]
[[Lock the door and stay right where you are.]]
You sit in the little metal room, waiting for someone to come. Nothing happens, other than a gentle rumbling from your stomach.
Do you…
[[Go and explore the corridor.]]
[[Stay here where it’s relatively safe.]]
You creep slowly down the corridor, which is lined with debris. You can hear a lot of noise ahead, and as you peer round the corner, you see another, much larger chamber filled with more of the strange metal creatures. They appear to be discussing something – communicating via a series of loud clunking and clicking noises.
You lean forwards, straining to hear them, and accidentally kick a small metal tin on the floor. The machines clearly hear it, and turn as one. Their eyes flash red. The nearest creature reaches out towards you with a telescoping arm. You duck underneath it and run along the next corridor, all too aware that without your scooter, you have no chance of outrunning them.
Another arm shoots forwards, and you leap back, as it whizzes past your nose. As you do so, you spot a small door just ahead of you. You have seconds to make your next move.
Do you…
[[Leap through the door]]
[[Attempt to run back through the robots in the hope of locking yourself back in the landing bay.]]
You’ve lost all sense of time. The gentle rumbling of your stomach has turned into a gnawing hunger, your lips are dry, and you feel a little faint.
Do you…
[[Stay right here. This was the plan, I’m not bailing now.]]
[[Go and explore the corridor.]]
You are weak with hunger, you can barely feel your legs. Just as you’re starting to realise that sitting in a room and starving to death is not such a brilliant strategy, you’re aware of a change in the light entering the room. You stumble towards the window, and see that you are rapidly approaching a planet.
You feel suddenly vindicated. This is it. You’ll land, you’ll leave and explore this brave new world.
The saucer slows gently, and the walls open once more, the ramp unfurling before you.
This new world looks beautiful. Mountains, orange skies, two dazzling suns – you see what look like trees, but they’ve been painted in a variety of purples and blues. You rise to your feet, ready to explore, and take a deep breath of this new air.
Then you take another, and another. But nothing comes. You grip your throat, your breath becoming frantic. You realise too late, that there is no oxygen here.
Your pathetic emaciated body drops to the ground, and slides down the ramp onto the dusty earth below.
Congratulations, you may have been hungry, but now you’re breakfast for a whole world of alien creatures.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You leap through the door and slam it shut behind you, looking frantically for some sort of locking mechanism. There is none.
Worse still, this is a dead end. It appears to be some kind of storage room. You survey the boxes of equipment and realise that this isn’t any old storage room – it’s a weapons room.
You rifle through the stacks of bizarre weaponry, wondering at their strange but oddly familiar names – Lancer, Farsight, Cerebral Bore, Gravity Gun, BFG 9000. It’s almost as if someone was collecting them.
At that moment you hear something at the door. You scoop up the nearest weapon, a UNSC something or other, and ready yourself.
The doorway bursts open, and a huge hulking metal monster peers in.
Do you..
[[Open fire.]]
[[Hold your fire.]]
You stop suddenly and run back towards the robots as fast as you can. This sudden change of direction clearly confuses them for a few seconds, and you take advantage of this, to leap past the first two. The third squares up in front of you, its arms stretching forwards menacingly. You drop to the ground, and skid between its thick metal legs, taking advantage of the almost frictionless floor. You then leap onto your feet, pirouette past another two mechanical monsters, jump, push off a wall and dive clear over the last, rolling through the doorway to the landing area through which you’d arrived.
You turn and bolt the door behind you.
You hear the creatures bashing against it for several hours, wailing in their indecipherable language, before they ultimately give up, and slink away.
You look around the room, your stomach rumbling thanks to that missed breakfast, and wonder what on Earth you’re going to do now.
Do you,
[[Wait here, and see if an opportunity to escape arises.|Stay here where it’s relatively safe.]]
[[Try exploring the corridor again.]]
You slowly unlock the door and set off exploring the ship once more. The machines are still there, clicking and clanking away to each other – only now they’re actively looking for you.
You’re spotted almost immediately, and once again they give chase. This time you know where you’re going, you dash straight ahead, and through the door you chose to ignore previously. [[Hopefully there will be something in there to help you…|Leap through the door]]
You pull the trigger. The rifle comes alive in your arms, unleashing a hail of bullets upon the monster. It rips through the creature’s metal skin, reducing it to a pile of scrap in seconds.
You laugh, and step forwards into the corridor. The creatures look at you, their lights blinking slowly. One reaches towards you with a clawed hand, without hesitation you open fire once more. The first two go down immediately, the rest scatter.
You stomp down the corridor, into the larger room they had occupied before. There’s no sign of them, but you notice a small console on the wall, and a tiny air duct that you think you could probably squeeze through.
Do you…
[[Use the console.]]
[[Try and squeeze through the duct]]
You stop, then lower your weapon, eyeing the creature cautiously. Its red eyes flicker slightly, then turn a comforting blue. The eye stalks bob briefly, in what might be construed as a nod.
It raises a claw slowly, then signals for you to follow it.
The machine slowly lurches out of the room, and you follow uncertainly. He leads you through several more corridors, walls opening before him, until you eventually arrive in a large atrium filled with mechanical beasts.
A few raise their eyes to look at you, following your movements round the room. Most however remain entirely motionless, lights dimmed, as if asleep.
You conclude that this is some sort of nest, and realise that you could likely wipe them all out if you fired on them now.
Do you…
[[Take the opportunity to destroy them all.|Gun them all down]]
[[See what they have planned for you.]]
You hear a gentle whirring sound, and a screen lowers from the ceiling. It flickers slightly, and then a strange alien face appears - dark green skin, a long slit with strange loosely hanging mandibles that perhaps serves as a mouth, and a halo of small black blinking eyes, running the circumference of its circular head.
“Tzzxt, czzzzk, tskmnail. Oh! Smakt, nicht, coumst tschilkl…”
One of the sleeping machines suddenly bursts into life, and lollops towards you holding something in its palm.
It is some sort of long, thin black plastic capsule. You’re not sure what it’s for. The machine taps the side of its head repeatedly.
You pick it up.
Do you…
[[Swallow the capsule.]]
[[Place it in your ear.]]
[[Stand there looking confused.]]
You study the console. There are a series of lights, switches and buttons. You don’t understand any of them.
Do you...
Press the [[red button]]
Press the [[blue button]]
Press the [[big scary looking switch]]
[[Just shoot the thing, it’s a stupid console anyway.]]
You squeeze your body through the air duct. It’s not as easy as it looks in the movies, and it takes a huge amount of effort to make just the tiniest bit of progress. None the less you manage to gradually inch forwards through the claustrophobic darkness.
Below you can hear the sounds of the mechanical creatures clattering about. Several times you feel the need to hold your breath until they have passed, lest they hear you.
Eventually you come to a section of the duct that opens out into a small room. You kick open the grating, and cautiously descend. Much like the previous store room, it appears to be filled with various pieces of collected technology. However, they don’t look to be weapons this time. Some have small satellite dishes fixed to them, others seem to be weird hats, with flashing LEDs. There’s even what appears to be a goldfish doing neat circles in a tiny water filled bowl. On one side you notice a box, marked “Universal Translator” – you pop it open and retrieve an ear piece. You insert it and almost immediately the distant clunking of the beasts is converted into words. Sadly before you can concentrate on what they’re saying the door to this storeroom creaks open, and robot voice commands you to “Stop!”
Do you…
[[Gun him down, gun them all down.|Gun them all down]]
[[Attempt to speak with him.]]
You press the red button.
A large red boxing glove on a spring pops out and hits you square in the face, whilst the console emits a “cuckoo” noise.
You rub your bruised nose, and wonder what possible purpose such a button would have.
[[(I wonder what th other buttons do?)|Use the console.]]
You press the blue button. You hear a gentle whirring noise, and look up. A hatch opens, and several gallons of freezing cold water are suddenly deposited over your shivering body.
You stand in your sodden clothes, squelching awkwardly, and look round to see if anyone has witnessed your humiliation.
There is no-one.
[[(Perhaps a different button will be less embarrassing?)|Use the console.]]
You pull the big scary switch. A large section of wall pops open, as the sound of a siren starts to echo through the ship. Lights flash frantically all around you.
Mechanical creatures start pouring into the room through the new doorway, eyes flickering red.
Do you…
[[Quickly try and squeeze through the air-duct|Try and squeeze through the duct]]
[[Gun them all down]]
You empty a round into the console and it explodes in your face. You are thrown back, losing consciousness briefly.
You are woken by the sound of alarms.
Standing over you are several of the mechanical creatures - just behind you is the air duct.
Do you…
[[Mow down the monsters with your combat rifle.|Gun them all down]]
[[Climb through the air duct|Try and squeeze through the duct]]
You open fire, destroying wave after wave of mechanical creatures, laughing madly as you do so. They keep coming – you start to run low on ammunition, and are briefly forced back towards the weapons room.
They are unable to slow your onslaught for long however, as you emerge once more, dragging an entire box of assorted exotic weaponry behind you. Soon you are standing knee deep in the nuts and bolts of your fallen enemies.
Silence. There are no more to be found. You cautiously stalk the corridors, looking for mechanical creatures, but you have slain them all.
Not a living thing remains on the ship bar you.
A ship that appears to contain no food, and for which you can find no meaningful controls.
You peer out through one of the portholes, looking for any sign of Earth – you see nothing, barring a brief explosive flash of light somewhere far off in Space.
You sit down, on a pile of broken mechanical bodies, and await your inevitable end.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You slowly lower the rifle to the ground and attempt to explain that you come in peace. The creature looks you up and down briefly, then makes an odd mechanical laugh. “Did you not murder us already?”
You express regret for your actions, attributing them to fear, and the fact that they did keep trying to grab you…
It shuffles awkwardly. “Come.”
You follow it, wondering what fate awaits you. The mechanoid escorts you to a large central plaza, in which many many more such monsters rest. You note that most are completely motionless, their lights not illuminated. Behind them is a large window opening out into space.
There is a gentle click, and a screen is lowered from the ceiling. It flickers briefly, and a strange face appears. It is green, wrinkled, with multiple dark eyes forming a halo around the circumference of its skull. There is no nose as such, but a wide opening, with slowly flickering mandibles, which passes for a mouth.
“I am [Untranslateable], this is my research vessel. The creatures you have been so gleefully destroying are machines, remotely operated by my colleagues and myself from the safety of our home, in an attempt to explore and understand our wider universe. We used to travel in person, but it became clear that the dangers of doing so were too great – dangers you have illustrated all too well.”
You blush slightly, and again attempt to offer your apologies.
“Yes, yes, all very well, all rather too late. Well…” he gives what could best be described as a shrug, “I suppose it could have been worse. Look.”
The view from the window changes to show one of Earth from space.
“This is your home planet. It was the latest subject of our search. We assess planets to ascertain whether or not they are friendly. We then select a single representative for each dominant species – if they prove to be wise and benevolent, we offer them a place on our High Council. If, on the other hand, they prove to be hostile, violent, dangerous, we repay them in kind by destroying their world before they can infect the rest of the Universe.”
The view changes again, zooming into a tiny section of space above the planet, to show an odd, pointed ship. “This is a class 9 planet destroyer, we were just about to reduce your home to space mush. We like space mush, it goes well on our breakfast cereal.”
“Still, you appear to be genuine in your regrets. It would appear your race is dangerous when it feels threatened, but capable of rational communication. We will spare your race for now, and return in 100 hundred years to see if you have learnt. You will be returned to your planet in the hope that you can teach the wisdom needed to ensure the survival of your race. Before you leave, you may take one item, by way of compensation.”
One of the mechanical creatures returns with a number of items from the store room. You examine them carefully, two items particularly take your eye…
Do you…
[[Take the assault rifle.]]
[[Take the instant plasma shield]]
You take the rifle. You hear a gasp of shock from [Untranslateable] “Seriously, after all that? You take the gun? Forget it, fire away.”
Through the window you see a thick pulse of light fire from the Class 9 Planet Destroyer, then, seconds later, the Earth itself explodes into a huge ball of plasma. The huge sphere of light then collapses in on itself, reducing back to a small bubble of liquid. A long thin metallic tube emerges from the planet destroyer, and sucks the remaining matter up – you imagine the accompanying slurping sound.
You step back, shocked, staring around you. The robot picks you up in its claws, and escorts you unceremoniously to the landing bay from which you arrived. It leaves you, sealing the door behind itself. To your horror, the outside door then slowly opens. There is a sudden rush of air, your ears pop, your head pounds, then little else, as you are sucked out into the cold expanse of space…
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
(set: $shield to 1)
You take the instant plasma shield. “Very wise,” agrees [Untranslateable]. Suddenly you are surrounded by dancing light. You hear a high pitched disorientating sound, and the ship around you seems to disappear, to be replaced with an altogether more familiar sight.
You are standing back in the corner shop.
[[You decide that, finally, it’s time to go buy some milk.|Get the milk]]
You study the capsule carefully. It certainly looks like a tablet of some kind. You nod towards the metal creature, smile up at the monitor, place the capsule in your mouth, and swallow hard.
The alien on the screen adopts the universal language of the face palm. The metal creatures all sag slightly, and shake their antennae sorrowfully.
After what appears to be a certain amount of discussion, one of the creatures wonders off, and returns with a large, slightly terrifying looking helmet covered in flashing lights. He attempts to put it on your head.
Do you…
[[Let him]]
[[Decide you’ve had enough and open fire.|Gun them all down]]
You place the little capsule in your ear, feeling slightly awkward.
“Can you hear me?” You look around and realise the voice is coming from the monitor. “Hello? Don’t panic, it’s all good. Can you hear me?”
You nod.
“Well, that’s a relief. I have to say, this is going a lot better than the last few planets we visited. [[Right then, let’s start shall we…|Alien speaks]]”
You stand there looking confused, whilst the giant creatures frantically signal at you. Eventually one of them makes a sudden grab for your arm.
Do you…
[[Open fire|Gun them all down]]
[[Let him grab your arm.]]
He places the helmet on your head. You’re immediately aware of the sound of laughter – you look up at the screen, and see that it’s coming from the strange alien. “Well, at least you can’t swallow that one! Seriously, I can’t believe you swallowed the universal translator… Classic. Hey!” He looks over his shoulder, “Hey [Untranslatable], did you see that? He swallowed the translator!”
There is the sound of further laughter from off screen. “Yeah, I’ll show you later…” He composes himself. “Anyway… Erm, yes, looks like the helmet works anyway?”
You nod. “Don’t worry, I promise not to tell anyone back home. It’s not the first time – we once had a [Untranslatable] who shoved one up his [Untranslatable], and now he’s the Governor of Gamma Quadrant…”
[["Anyway, let's get on with it shall we?"|Alien speaks]]
He grabs your arm, snatches the device from your hand, and shoves it clumsily into your ear.
There is a brief buzzing sound, then you hear a voice.
“Well, thank goodness for that. I thought we’d be here all week.” It’s the strange alien on the monitor.
“Right then, I take it you can understand me now?”
You nod. [[“Good, then let’s get started…”|Alien speaks]]
The strange alien on the monitor clears its throat, with a horrible gurgling sound. He lifts a small transparent plastic hexagon inscribed with markings, and appears to read from it.
“Congratulations alien. I [Untranslateable] of Xerxes 9 hereby confirm that you have passed the initiation ritual of the Intergalactic Council. You have shown great bravery, fortitude and wisdom, on behalf of your race. As reward you will be hereby inducted into the Intergalactic Council, and made Supreme Ruler of Omega Quadrant…”
He pauses, registering your confused expression. “Erm, yes. The official version’s not terribly informative is it?” He puts down the hexagon, and leans in to the camera. “It was a test. All this.” He waves his arms around him (all six of them). “We test every vaguely intelligent lifeform – we send remotely piloted drones, in the forms of the robots that surround you – to assess every creature in the Universe. Some prove to be mindless savages – hence the drones – others are, well, like you. Those that are considered worthy are given a section of the Universe to rule, by way of reward. Those that aren’t worthy, well, we either leave them to it, or in the more egregious cases, we vaporise them…”
He looks slightly embarrassed. “Luckily, no need for that today, eh? So. You’ve done it, you have the entire Omega Quadrant to yourself to rule. It’s a nice quadrant, Omega. You’re lucky. I’ve got Beta, and, well, I’m sure it’ll improve… Anyway – what do you say? I can get you teleported to Central Universal command right now if you like? You can travel all of time and space, and our technologies mean that you’ll never age or grow ill…”
Do you…
[[Accept the offer to rule Omega Quadrant]]
[[Explain that you really just wanted some milk.]]
You accept the offer to rule the Omega Quadrant, on the condition that your family and friends can join you. You live for billions of years, loved by those you rule. In your time you broker peace between warring alien tribes, explore hidden depths of the Universe, and prevent all out Cosmic destruction on many occasions. When all reality finally fizzles out and burns into nothing thanks to the merciless drive of entropy, yours are the final eyes to witness this life, your final thought, simply, is that it was all worth it.
In your time you rule not just Omega Quadrant, but the whole known Universe and many parallel realities besides. It amuses you from time to time to peer into those parallel worlds, back through time, and watch the many ways in which your life could have unravelled on that fateful day – the day you went out for milk.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
(set: $shield to 1)
You look up at the screen. You thank the alien for his kind offer, but explain that, really, you’re not interested in cosmic rule. You just fancy a bit of milk.
There is a long pause, and the alien keeps whispering to others unseen.
“Well. OK. I mean this has never happened before but, yeah, OK, I suppose. Really, Omega’s very nice… No? Fine. Well look, we’ll drop you back off at the shop. I’m afraid we’ve not got any milk, but, well… You can get it there – we’ve checked. Oh! And take one of these, as a gesture of our thanks…”
One of the robots shuffles awkwardly towards you, and presents you with a gift. You study the little belt he hands you, there’s a label attached “Acme Plasma Shield – Guaranteed protection from imminent death.” Handy.
You thank your hosts, and then suddenly you find yourself surrounded by light, there is a strange high pitched whirring sound and then…
You’re back in the shop. [[Time to buy that milk.|Get the milk]]
You grab the milk from Jim’s hands and run for the door. He shouts after you, but you know he won’t catch you. You turn back to tell him you’ll drop the money round later, and as you do so hear a familiar tinkling sound. You realise the door must have opened, and turn back too late, running head first into the little girl with plaits.
You both tumble to the ground, and as you do so, you lose your grip on the milk. It sales through the air, smashes onto the floor, and bursts open. At that moment you feel Jim’s hand on your collar. “I’ve called the Police,” he says, “Who would have thought, that you were the Lactose Bandit?”
You try to explain, but as you watch the milk slowly seeping out onto the ground, you realise it’s far too late. Your dreams of milk are over.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You explain to Jim that you don’t have your wallet, but if he’ll just let you have the milk, you can return with the money later.
“I dunno mate, I mean, this is the last carton of milk. For all I know, it’s the last carton in the county, the country even. It’s probably priceless and I’m letting you have it for 75p. Doesn’t seem that much to ask that you actually give me the money first.”
He’s waving it in the air as he speaks, almost hypnotically. You start wracking your brains for the words to persuade him. Before you can, however, you hear the tinkling sound of the bell. You turn to see who has entered.
It’s the little girl with pigtails. She stands in the entrance, dressed in a bright red raincoat and smirking slightly. “Hello. You’ve got my milk. Can I have it please?”
Do you…
[[Politely point out that you got here first, and have already staked a claim to the milk.]]
[[Let the little girl have the milk.]]
You explain, very gently, that you’re very sorry, but you had already picked out the milk for yourself, and as such, you fully expect to buy it, just as soon as you actually have some money.
The little girl looks at you quizzically. “You don’t have any money?”
You blush slightly, and shake your head.
“I’ve got money.” She pulls out a rather familiar looking wallet, then looks at Jim. “Tell me, Mithter Shopkeeper, can I have the milk, what with me actually having thome money?”
He looks at you awkwardly, shrugs, and hands the carton to the little girl.
“Thank you.”
“That’s quite alright young lady. That’ll be 75p.”
She laughs, a laugh far too evil for one so young. “I thaid I had money, I didn’t thay I wath paying.” She pulls out a flickknife, her small beady eyes darting back and forth.
“Haha! The Lactothe Bandit striketh again!”
Do you…
[[Let her get away.]]
[[Tackle her]]
You step to one side, and explain that she’s welcome to have it, as you’ve no money anyway.
“Thank you,” she says, lisping slightly and reaching to take the milk from Jim, “but who thayth I’m paying?”
She laughs evilly, and pulls out a knife. “The Lactothe Bandit striketh again!” she shrieks.
Do you…
[[Let her get away.]]
[[Tackle her]]
You decide to let the Lactose Bandit get away. As she sprints out the door Jim looks at you. “Why didn’t you stop her? She was just a little kid?”
You try explaining that she may have been a little girl - but she was a little girl with a flick knife. Jim’s not terribly convinced, and in truth you’re not all that sure either. In any case, you had one aim, to get the milk, and you just let it walk out the door.
You set off home, ready to start your milk-less existence.
Already, it’s started raining.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You grab the girl’s knife arm tightly. She tries to pull free, but you’re too strong for her, so she resorts to kicking at your shins. You look over at Jim, who finally realises that you might like a bit of help, and leans over the counter, snatching the milk from her.
This proves to be a foolish move. She grabs the knife with her newly freed hand and takes a swing at you with it. You leap back just in time, and grab the shelf behind you searching for a weapon. Your hand finds something, and you swing it over your head, to club her with it.
It’s a loaf of bread, and achieves nothing other than making you look a little bit stupid.
She has wild, rabid eyes now, her gaze darting back and forth between yourself and Jim.
“Give me the milk!” She shrieks. “Give me the miiiilk!”
She lifts the knife and hurls it towards Jim
Do you…
[[Watch in horror]]
[[Jump in the way]]
You watch the knife glide gracefully through the air, and then connect with Jim’s chest. He screams and drops the milk. Everything seems to go into slow motion. You leap forwards to catch it, only to feel the Lactose Bandit’s elbow connect with your crotch. You double up, and the carton spins past your hands, smashing on the shop floor, spilling milk everywhere.
The Bandit leaps back from the milk, whilst Jim groans horribly from behind his counter.
The little girl cheers, “Yes! Death to milk! Death to the Great Lactothe Horror!”
You stare at her, then attempt to grab her. She steps back. “Uh uh. You lay a finger on me, I’ll tell the Polithe it was you who thtabbed him. I’ll tell them you’re the dreaded Lactothe Bandit. After all, who are they going to believe, you, or a cute little girl?”
Laughing she backs slowly out of the shop, leaving you with a body, no milk and a lot of explaining to do.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You selflessly leap in front of the knife.
(if: $shield is 1)[The plasma shield activates and deflects the knife away from your body. It rebounds into the air, and lands square in the side of the milk carton. Immediately a fountain of milk gushes forth hitting the lactose bandit in the eye.
She screams, “No! My milk allergy! Thave me! I’m melting, I’m melting!” She collapses, still screaming and writhing onto the floor. You ignore her, for there is something more important that needs saving. [[The milk.]]]
(else:)[Your brave act is rewarded with the knife embedding itself in your chest. You drop to the floor. The Lactose Bandit pulls the weapon from your body, and thick rivers of blood spurt forth. She smiles. “You wanted milk? Have milk!”
She stabs the knife into the base of the carton and lets it pour into your gasping mouth, before crumpling it in her hand, and throwing it at your face.
The very last thing you see is her smirking expression as she backs out of the shop, knife held high. Your vision dims entirely, the world collapses only into sounds, then these fade leaving you just with the faint taste of milk on your lips. Then nothing.
The End.
[[Try again?|Start]]]
(if: $bottle is 1)[You pull out the magic milk bottle, and carefully catch the remaining milk as it pours out of the carton. Jim, now only too pleased to help you after your brave act, lends a hand. The bottle is only half full, but it’s more than enough for breakfast.
You give the Lactose Bandit a bit of anti-histamine and tie her to the display cabinet, leaving her for Jim and the Police to deal with.
You set off home, proudly holding aloft your milk, knowing there is nothing, not magical kingdoms, not intergalactic exploration, not even saving the world, that can match the singular pleasure of knowing where your milk is.
The End. (Almost)
[[Epilogue]]]
(else:)[You watch the milk pouring out of the carton and wish you had something in which to catch it. You take off your shoe, then realise that, no, on reflection, no matter how much you love milk, you’re not drinking it out of a shoe.
You look down at the pathetic cowed figure of the Lactose Bandit, who now looks like a little girl with a rapidly worsening case of hives. You ask her if she’s happy, but she simply whimpers.
You leave the shop, head hung low. Yes, you’ve captured and defeated the scourge of the dairy world, but it changes nothing. You have failed - you have no milk.
The End.
[[Try again?|Start]]]
(If:$Milk is 1)[You sit at the breakfast table and reflect upon the incredible adventure you’ve experienced. There, in the centre of the table, is the (not quite) pint of milk that started it all. A pint of milk that, thanks to the magic bottle, doesn’t even need to be placed in the fridge. A pint of milk which, thanks to the plasma shield, didn’t cost you your life. A pint of milk that…
Oh dear. A pint of milk that could turn you into a rabid zombie with a single mouthful. You take out the testing kit that Catherine provided you with, and place a drop in the milk. It turns bright pink. Oh well, pink milk’s still milk, and at least now you know it’s safe to drink.
You take a precautionary sniff. Smells OK. You take a little sip. Tastes good too. Better yet, you’re not a zombie either.
You prepare the rest of your breakfast whistling happily. Congratulations, you are the King of Milk.
The End
[[Seriously, you've done it. This is it, the ultimate, best possible ending. Yes, better even than ruling the universe for eternity, or becoming a King or any of that other stuff. What? You haven't done that already? Well then, feel free to try again...|Start]]]
(Else:)[You sit at the breakfast table and reflect upon the incredible adventure you’ve experienced. There, in the centre of the table, is the (not quite) pint of milk that started it all. A pint of milk that, thanks to the magic bottle, doesn’t even need to be placed in the fridge. A pint of milk which, thanks to the plasma shield, didn’t cost you your life.
Before tainting your prize by pouring it on breakfast, or mixing it with tea, you decide to take just a little swig, to see how it tastes.
It is, without doubt, the loveliest milk you have ever tasted. Absolutely worth all the troubles you’ve been through. You sit back and smile to yourself.
The best milk in the history of milk.
And yet.
You can’t help thinking, now that you’ve tasted it - that actually there’s something else you need. You can’t quite place it. A very specific something, a unique taste, not the sort of thing you have lying around the house. Whatever it is, you know that you can’t rest until you have it. You know that you’ll know it when you see it, and that when you see it nothing else will ever do again.
Perhaps, next time, you should go to the supermarket and see what you can find?
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]]
You walk over to the little boy and ask what’s wrong. “I’ve lost my mummy,” he sobs, wiping snot onto his shirt sleeves as he does so.
You look around – there are people everywhere, but no obvious childless mothers. You ask what she looks like.
“She’s tall, and she has lots of hair, and she’s my Mummy…” Further questioning proves not much more useful. You do however manage to ascertain that her name is Catherine, and that she’s here on work, but somewhat cryptically, doesn’t actually work here.
Do you…
[[Offer to help the boy find his Mum.]]
[[Suggest the boy wait here – she’ll find him eventually and you need to get milk.|Milk Aisle]]
You tell the little boy that you’ll help find his Mum (whilst maybe looking for milk in the process), and suggest he comes with you. He picks up his lightsaber and starts to move, then stops abruptly, and eyes you suspiciously.
“Mum said I shouldn’t go with strangers.”
You sigh, and explain that his mother was quite right, but on this particular occasion you’re helping him to find his Mum, so it’s probably alright, and besides, you’re not going to leave the shop without her.
He shuffles slightly, considering his options.
“What’s your favourite animal?”
You raise your eyebrows. He asks again insistently, and you realise that he’s decided that your choice of animal clearly dictates your trustworthiness. It doesn’t seem like the most failsafe approach, but he is, after all, just a child. You decide to indulge him.
What animal will you answer with?
[[Lion]]
[[Meerkat]]
[[Bear]]
[[Badger]]
You tell him that you like lions best – and make the mistake of impersonating one. You had expected him to find this funny, but your over-zealous roar, combined with a weird innate hatred of lions, causes him to run off and hide behind a stack of baked bean cans. Whenever you approach he waves his lightsaber threateningly. No matter how hard you try, he’s not coming out.
[[You decide you’ll just have to leave him, and find the milk.|Milk Aisle]]
You tell him that your favourite animal is the meerkat. He laughs in your face.
“Meerkats aren’t real animals, stupid. They’re just on telly.”
You roll your eyes, but realise that this is probably not the best moment to start re-educating the child of strangers.
Fortunately, he’s so amused, he decides to let you have a second try.
Do you opt for…
[[Lion]]
[[Bear]]
[[Badger]]
(Set: $Ash to 1)
You tell him that you like bears best. He smiles. “I like badgers,” he says, “but bears are good too. They’re like big badgers. And you’re like a big me.”
You agree that both bears and badgers are awesome, and ask if he’d like to find his Mum now.
“Yes please,” then after a brief pause, “I’m Ash.”
You set off for the milk aisle, ostensibly to see if Ash’s Mum is there.
[[Milk Aisle]]
(Set: $Ash to 1)
You tell him that you like Badgers best. He grins and punches the air. “Yes! Badgers are the best of all the animals! Did you know that a boy badger is a boar, and a lady badger is a sow, and baby badgers are cubs, and Badger means “digger” in French, and badgers make their own toilets, and they eat worms and…”
You suggest that you can talk some more about badgers once you’ve found his Mum.
The little boy agrees, and sets off ahead of you, then stops and turns. “My name’s Ash by the way.”
[[You suggest that Ash’s Mum might be getting some milk, and so head off to the dairy aisle.|Milk Aisle]]
You turn the corner of the dairy aisle to be greeted with a scene of carnage. At one end, past the cheeses, and (to your dismay), right in front of the milk section is what would appear to be a large group of people fighting.
You stop in surprise, and ask one of the shop attendants what’s going on.
“I don’t know sir. Maybe it’s to do with the milk crisis. National shortage – haven’t you seen the papers?” (You curse yourself for not nipping to the corner shop.) “Still, bit odd though. Never seen people fighting over anything like that. I’ll see if I can calm them down…”
The attendant strolls over and makes a few ineffectual coughing noises. Having failed to get anyone’s attention he places a hand on the shoulder of one of the combatants. They turn their head to reveal the face of an old woman – her eyes oddly pale and empty, lipstick smeared awkwardly around her mouth. She snarls, grabs at the attendant, and bites down hard into his arm.
He shrieks in horror, as you realise it wasn’t lipstick smeared over the woman’s face after all. The mass of fighting bodies, turns as one, and more arms grab the supermarket attendant, pulling him down into them, screaming.
You squint, not really wanting to look, but noticing none the less, that there, in the fridge just beyond them, is a single carton of milk.
Do you…
[[Run away.]]
[[Attempt to fight your way through to the milk.]]
You decide that none of this is worth dying for, and you beat a hasty retreat back towards the entrance. At that moment shutters start slamming down over the windows, one after another. In the brief few seconds before the view is obscured completely you see a vast array of military vehicles swinging into the car park. (You can also see a man trying to persuade a soldier that he’d like him to clean his tank whilst he shops…)
By the time you get there the front door is already barricaded.
A voice comes over the tannoy. “Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to SupaSaver stores, where bargains cost less. Unfortunately there appears to be some sort of biochemical incident, and it has been necessary for the military to seal off the entire store. Any attempt to leave will be met with an immediate armed response. We apologise for any inconvenience. Have a nice day, and remember – shop SupaSaver for super savings.”
You can hear screaming from the other end of the store.
Do you…
[[Attempt to break down the door and escape.]]
[[Hide out in the clothing Department]]
You look at the heaving mess of fighting people. Perhaps they’ll be so busy killing each other, that you’ll be able to sneak past and grab some milk? You decide to give it a try, inching slowly forwards.
It becomes rapidly obvious, however, that this isn’t going to work.
One of the people hunched over the attendant turns and looks straight at you. She has an eye missing, and a chunk of flesh hanging off her bottom lip. If there had been any doubt there is none now. These are, unmistakably, zombies.
One Eye stands and shuffles awkwardly towards you. Hooray, you think, for slow zombies. You decide to make a dash for the milk, jumping over the corpse of the shop assistant, and a number of those feeding on him, as you do so. You are just about to lay your hand on the coveted carton, when you become aware of breath on your neck.
You turn just in time to see a huge lumbering man, his tempero-mandibular joint exposed by rotting flesh, rearing up above you. The milk will have to wait you realise, ducking down, and pirouetting neatly out of his way.
This elegant movement is almost immediately undermined when you slip on… Let’s just say, something unpleasant, and land flat on your back. The hulking zombie turns to face you again, ready to feed…
(If: $Ash is 1)[“Noooo!” scream Ash, and starts thrashing at the back of the Zombie’s legs with his lightsaber. Whilst this is entirely ineffectual with respect to inflicting any damage on the creature, it does serve to distract him momentarily, and you’re able to leap to your feet.
This proves particularly fortunate, as you had failed to realise that One Eye was also right behind you. You dance backwards between them, then, grabbing both zombies by the back of the neck, you smash the heads together, causing them to collapse in a heap on the ground.
You laugh to yourself, and look round half expecting applause.
Instead you’re shocked to see that Ash is now being dragged off screaming by the rest of the group that had been feeding on the assistant.
Do you…
[[Save Ash|dairy save]]
[[Leave Ash to get chewed by zombies, and save yourself|Abandon Ash]]]
(Else:)[You try and scrabble backwards from the lumbering beast, your feet slipping on the assorted matter on the floor. As you retreat, you bump into something.
You turn, and come face to face with One Eye. She grabs your head in her hands, and twists hard, snapping your neck.
Your death is quick and final, and you are fortunately not there to witness the zombie horde banqueting on your remains.
The End]
You grab a shopping trolley, and start repeatedly ramming it into the front door. You shout for your fellow shoppers to help, and soon there’s a small group of you hammering away against the shutters.
The door’s defences start to creak, and a small gap opens at the bottom. Meanwhile a ravenous horde of blood sucking creatures is shuffling over from the meat counter.
Do you…
[[Keep ramming the door.]]
[[Hide out in the clothing department after all.|Hide out in the clothing Department]]
You run to the clothing section. You vaguely remember a friend telling you they had once lost their child in a supermarket after their offspring had hidden themselves in amongst the clothes hangers. It seems like as good a strategy as any, and you dive into a rack of overcoats, folding yourself over in an attempt not to be too obvious.
You’re just in time too – a shambling horde of dribbling undead shuffle past, groaning as they search for victims. You hold your breath, and hope that they don’t notice you. Peering between the cheap jackets you see one stop momentarily. It leans forwards, sniffing slightly. The rest of the group has moved on, but this one lingers. You can hold your breath no longer, and gasp. Its cold dead eyes turn on you, and it reaches into the coats, searching for the source of the sound.
(If:$Ash is 1)[You nervously pull back from the grabbing fingers. The beast stops, and turns away – then suddenly dives into the jackets head first, and into you.
It pushes you to the ground. Ash, who has been hiding with you, leaps onto the creature’s back, and starts uselessly whacking it with the toy lightsaber. You pull one of the coats over its head, to try and limit its vision, and stop it biting. Scrabbling backwards, you deliver a few kicks to the monster, and stand, looking for somewhere to run. You pick Ash up, throwing him, still waving the lightsaber, over your shoulder. By now other zombies have heard the commotion and are heading your way. You start to run, but come face to face with a group moving as one.
Your original foe from the coatrack has picked itself up and is advancing on you. You realise you’re trapped.
There’s a shopping trolley to one side, and a plan suddenly occurs to you. You could pop Ash in the trolley, then give it a really good shove – if you distract the zombies, then there’s a good chance he could ride it to relative safety. On the other hand, you could shove it into the zombies, dooming Ash, but giving you a good chance to get away.
Do you…
[[Save Ash]]
[[Save yourself]]]
(Else:)[You nervously pull back from the grabbing fingers. The beast stops, and turns away – then suddenly dives into the jackets head first, and into you.
It pushes you to the ground. You pull one of the coats over its head, to try and limit its vision, and stop it biting. Scrabbling backwards, you deliver a few kicks to the monster, and stand, looking for somewhere to run. By now other zombies have heard the commotion and are heading your way. You start to run, but come face to face with a group moving as one.
You turn again, only to meet with the zombie that had previously attacked you. In a final desperate attempt to escape, you rush at it, hoping to push past, but instead it catches you on the arm, and sinks in its teeth.
There is sudden agonising pain, but you break free none the less. [[In the distance you can see a familiar looking child,and you run to them, your arm throbbing.|In the distance you can see the little boy that you saw on the way in, and you run to him, your arm throbbing.]]]
The shutters are starting to buckle now, and a small man sized hole has emerged at the base. You’re about to dive through when a small canister rolls under, and releases some kind of smoke. You feel your throat tightening.
You hear the tannoy again. “SupaSavers reminds its customers than any attempt to exit the quarantine area will result in immediate assassination for the purposes of public safety. Also, don’t forget it’s two for one on sirloin and rump steaks for today only. SupaSavers – saving you pennies, so you can concentrate on saving yourselves.”
A man with half his face missing is climbing over the till next to you and reaching out with a clawed hand.
Do you…
[[Dive through the hole and escape.]]
[[Flee to the clothes section.|Hide out in the clothing Department]]
You dive through the hole under the shutters, and crawl into the fresh air. Freedom.
Suddenly a hand grabs at your ankle from under the doorway. You desperately kick at it, trying to free yourself, but more arms grab on, and start to pull you back.
There is a hail of bullets, and the grasping arms explode into a mess of blood and gore.
You turn to thank your rescuers, then realise that their guns are pointed at you too.
“Fire!”
You open your mouth to protest, but die almost instantly as a small army empties its weaponry into your body.
In fairness, they did warn you…
The End.
[[Try again?|Start]]
You deposit Ash in the trolley, and reassure him that he’s going to be fine. You run towards the lone zombie behind you, then shove the trolley away whilst simultaneously grappling the monster to the floor.
You watch the trolley fly off down the aisle, before crashing into a stack of cans. A woman seems to pull him out, and you feel relief that he appears to have been rescued.
The same cannot be said for you, sadly. As you watched Ash, the zombie has gripped you tightly, its mouth wide open, ready to tear into your flesh. You manage to wrestle an arm free, and elbow the creature in the jaw – which promptly dislocates. You push it off, and try to stand, only for another creature to pile on top of you. The realisation dawns that the other group of zombies has had time to catch up. You are, surely, doomed.
You feel your body relax, in anticipation of the end.
Instead, there is a piercing cracking sound, and your ears ring. You look around to see one of the monsters drop to the ground, recently relieved of its head. Another series of bangs and more drop around you.
You turn to see [[a woman with a shotgun.]] She’s tall, has lots of (auburn) hair and is, yes, holding hands with Ash, her son.
You push the trolley at the zombie hoard, it tips, spilling Ash out onto the ground. He starts to run, and as the monsters shuffle after him, you sprint blindly through the store.
You stop to catch your breath, and look around you. There in front of you, amazingly, is the single remaining carton of milk. You pick it up, feeling victorious.
At that moment, a shuffling demon dressed in the familiar garb of a SuperSaver shopping assistant, bites into your neck.
You throw him off, and steady yourself. You still have the milk.
Everything will be fine.
You start to venture back down the main aisle. Ahead of you is Ash, who appears (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] to have survived after all. You feel a wave of relief.
You didn’t (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] kill him after all.
You have the (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] milk.
You’re a (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] winner.
You see a creature shuffling towards Ash, and realise (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] you need to [[help him.|In the distance you can see the little boy that you saw on the way in, and you run to him, your arm throbbing.]]
You shout at the little boy to run, but he doesn’t appear to hear (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] you.
You’re feeling oddly tired, and your (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] run slows to a walk. (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] Your vision blurs slightly. You shout again (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] and the boy seems to have understood you this (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] time, as he starts sprinting (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] away.
The other (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] zombies are (text-style: "subscript")[(brains) ] behind you, (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] but you (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] no longer (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] fear them.
The boy (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] runs (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)] to a lady(text-style: "subscript")[(brains)]
(text-style: "subscript")[Brains.]
Brains
[[Brains]]
BRAINS lady BRAINS boomstick BRAINS raises BRAINS go BRAINS bang BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS (text-style: "bold")[BRAINS.]
Then Nothing.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
The woman with the shotgun smiles at you. “Whilst I appreciate you looking after my boy, I’m afraid I can’t stand here wasting all my bullets saving your ass. We need to run.”
You’re not inclined to argue, and as she sets off sprinting down the corridor, you follow closely behind. She reaches a door marked “staff only”, runs a keycard through the lock - which after waiting a few seconds makes a reassuring buzz - and she beckons you inside.
Once you’re in the office, she releases one more shotgun blast into the pursuing crowd of monsters, and slams the door behind her.
“Right then, that should buy us some time.” She hands you a card.
“Catherine Valentine – Food Safety Specialist and Monster Hunter.”
She notices your expression, “The two come together more often than you might imagine. In the quest for cheap, mass produced food, we’ve seen some pretty terrifying mistakes I can tell you. The Sanders Mega-Chicken of 2012, The Spammening last year… That’s when I lost my husband.” She takes a deep breath. “Still, not seen anything like this since… Hell, I guess since they invented Pop Tarts – though I wasn’t there for that one.”
She scoops Ash up and hugs him, then sets him down on top of a nearby desk.
“It’s the milk. Some new pasteurisation process, using alien tech – I told them it was dangerous, but they wouldn’t listen. Now look.”
She peeks through the blinds with her fingers, to reveal a series of gruesome faces pressed up against the window. “Still, could have been worse. Much worse. We’ve been lucky – some lunatic’s been stealing milk up and down the country. We haven’t caught them yet, but it seems they’re destroying it anyway, so I guess they’ve done our job for us.”
She shrugs. “It’s come to something when a milk thief has inadvertently saved humanity from a zombie apocalypse. Problem is, they’re destroying good milk and bad, we’re facing the greatest milk shortage in history… This,” she waves her arms “this is the last of the contaminated milk, in this place. Well. We think so. To be honest we weren’t really expecting it to be here either – otherwise I wouldn’t have brought the kid. I guess we’ll need to check whether they supply any of the local corner shops, just for safety’s sake…”
There’s a thumping sound at the door, the hinges are starting to bulge slightly.
“Right. Enough chat. Any minute now we’re going to have a lot of company. I need you to get Ash out of here. I rigged a load of explosives in the milk aisle, but I never got a chance to set them off..”
Ash looks up “I told her to get you,” has says, awkwardly.
She nods. “Doesn’t matter now. What matters is that you need to get him out of the back door there,” she indicates the exit with a wave of a gun, “It’s safe – they won’t shoot you. I need to go back and flick the switch…”
Do you…
[[Tell her you’ll set off the bomb, she should stay with her son.]]
[[Agree to flee with Ash]]
You tell Catherine to take her son and leave. You’ll see to the bomb. She looks at you for a moment, then, saying nothing, hands you a sub-machine gun. She lifts her son into her arms, nods her thanks, and leaves via the Fire Exit.
You stare at the door for a moment, bracing yourself. You take a deep breath, and pull it open, a nest of vile monsters pouring in through the orifice. You pepper them with bullets, and once you’ve stemmed the tide, clamber over the corpses.
You sprint to the milk aisle, firing off shots when necessary. You’re greeted by quite the display – rows of Semtex, wires, little flashing LEDs, and a single switch with a timer.
You flick the switch, and the time reads 1:00.
You have one minute. Do you…
[[Run]]
[[Stay to make sure nothing goes wrong]]
You’ve had enough, and an invitation to leave is all you need. You pick up Ash and make for the exit, whilst Catherine readies a submachine gun and opens the door, peppering the scrabbling horde of zombies with bullets. Once the path is clear she sets out, and you open the fire exit to leave.
At that moment Ash wriggles out of your arms. “Mummy!” he shouts, and runs to her. She turns, shocked. The distraction is a mistake – one of the felled zombies grabs her ankle, and sinks its decaying teeth into it. “No!” Her face turns white with horror. Ash still runs to her, and she snatches him up out of the grasp of the creatures on the floor.
“You need to run Ash, you need to run!”
“No Mum, I can’t, I want to be with you…”
She looks at you. “Take him, for God’s sake take him nnnnow.” She jerks her head slightly, something is changing.
You reach forwards and try to snatch the boy from his mother, but he won’t let go. Catherine’s eyes are losing their colour, she’s starting to drool. You pull again at the boy, dragging him back – but now she is pulling too, in some horrific tug of war.
Ash can see it now, can see that his mother is no longer his. “Mummy?” You give an almighty heave, and you, all three, fall to the ground.
You find yourself disorientated, and start desperately pushing at bodies to escape. You finally extricate yourself, struggling free, only to see Catherine leaning over her weeping child.
You run. You run to the milk aisle, and there you see it. Rows of explosives and wires, and a single, deeply unsubtle switch.
You flick the switch, and a timer illuminates 1:00. You don’t bother to run. You look briefly over towards Ash and Catherine, and know what must be done.
For the next minute you fight off the zombies, ensuring none can inadvertently deactivate the mechanism. If you can’t save Catherine, if you can’t save Ash, maybe, at the very least, you can save the world.
0:03
0:02
0:01
White light.
Nothing.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You run from the bomb, and head towards the exit.
Unfortunately your fight at the office has only lead to more of the un-dead congregating there. You raise the weapon and pull the trigger – only to be greeted with a series of clicks. You won’t be getting out that way.
You head back to the bomb, to see a zombie idly fiddling with the switch. You cave in its skull with the butt of your rifle, and decide to wait it out there. [[You watch as the timer ticks slowly down.|timer]]
You decide to stay where you are, to make sure nothing goes wrong. It’s not long before a zombie staggers down the aisle. Unfortunately you’ve exhausted all of your bullets. You look around for alternative weapons.
There’s a large stack of tins at the end of the aisle. You reach for one and hurl it at the oncoming monster. It bounces uselessly of the shoulder. You grab another, and heave it at the creature’s head. It connects satisfyingly, and the zombie staggers back. You continue with the tin can onslaught, wondering exactly how many of the Heinz 57 varieties you’ve weaponised.
You manage to hold off several of the hulking beasts in this manner, before resorting to employing the butt of your rifle.
[[Meanwhile the timer continues to count down.|timer]]
0:17
You think about all the things you had planned to do today.
0:16
This definitely wasn’t one of them.
0:15
You pick up the single bottle of milk that remains on the shelf, and study the cause of all this chaos.
0:14
Would it really matter if you had a swig now?
0:13
After all, you’re going to die anyway..
0:12
Do you…
[[Drink the milk.]]
[[Put it back on the shelf where it belongs]]
You drink the milk.
0:11
There’s a crashing sound above you, a skylight smashes open
0:10
Suddenly there’s wind all around. A ladder drops down.
0:09
You grab the rope ladder, and look up to see it hanging below a helicopter.
0:08
You feel the ladder start to lift, taking you with it.
0:07
A zombie tries to grab your feet as you pull away, you swing the sub-machine gun at it.
0:06
The zombie has released you.
0:05
You’re through the skylight, you drop your gun into the mess below.
0:04
You start to climb up to the chopper.
0:03
Wind is in your hair. The sky is blue.
0:02
You climb into the chopper, and hug Catherine who is waiting there for you.
0:01
Something isn’t right (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)]
0:00
The supermarket explodes beneath you. The helicopter shakes slightly but holds steady. (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)]
You feel hungry.
Very, very hungry. (text-style: "subscript")[(brains)]
Catherine smiles and hugs you tighter. (Brains) You bite into her neck.
She tastes good.
(Brains)
Humans taste good.
(BRAINS)
(text-style: "bold")[MUST.
EAT.
BRAINS.]
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
You put the milk back on the shelf. You don’t want poison.
0:11
There’s a crashing sound above you, a skylight smashes open
0:10
Suddenly there’s wind all around. A ladder drops down.
0:09
You grab the rope ladder, and look up to see it hanging below a helicopter.
0:08
You feel the ladder start to lift, taking you with it.
0:07
A zombie tries to grab your feet as you pull away, you swing the sub-machine gun at it.
0:06
The zombie has released you.
0:05
You’re through the skylight, you drop your gun into the mess below.
0:04
You start to climb up to the chopper.
0:03
Wind is in your hair. The sky is blue.
0:02
You climb into the chopper, and hug Catherine who is waiting there for you.
0:01
Everything is right with the world once more
0:00
The supermarket explodes beneath you. The helicopter shakes slightly but holds steady.
Ash stares down at the smouldering wreckage below, “Groovy.”
You ruffle his hair slightly.
Catherine looks at you. “I don’t know if you’ve got any plans, but…” she smiles, “You’re welcome to come with us. We could use a man like you in the Department of Food Safety and Monster Hunting.”
Do you…
[[Agree to go with Catherine and Ash.]]
[[Explain you just wanted some milk.]]
You agree to go with Catherine and Ash.
Your adventures are varied and amazing. You single handedly save the world from The Great Nugget Invasion, do battle with a Godzilla sized salmonella bacterium in Tokyo, and teach sentient cows and humans to live together in peace. Oh, and for some reason it turns out that a few cartons of infected milk are still out there, but you dispense with those easily…
Statues are erected in your honour, and children learn of your adventures in school for years to come.
At Catherine’s insistence though, you never, ever, have milk again.
The End
[[Try again?|Start]]
(Set: $Milk to 1)
You explain that you really just want to go home and have some milk. Catherine is astonished. “Seriously, after all that? I’m not planning to touch that stuff ever again.”
You insist.
“OK then, but listen, take this.” She passes you a small bottle with a dropper in it. “Put a single drop of this into your milk. If it’s been contaminated, it’ll make it safe to drink… Erm, it’ll also turn it pink, but don’t worry about that.”
The helicopter lands just outside your house. You hug Ash and Catherine goodbye, and [[set off up the street to the corner shop.|Take a leisurely stroll to the corner shop. ]]
You swear to yourself, then run screaming towards the zombies.
This tactic doesn’t particularly scare them – and they continue to view you primarily as food. However, as you are now noisy food, they release Ash momentarily to inspect this odd new morsel. The boy seizes his opportunity, and runs for his life.
You see him sprint round the corner, and look for an escape route yourself. You turn, and try to set off back the way you came, but a number of shambling beasts have blocked the end of the aisle.
In a moment of genius you study the aisle itself, then quickly realise that you can use the shelves as a ladder. In a flash you climb onto the top of the display unit, then leap down the other side. This aisle however is almost as packed with hideous creatures as the first, with unaffected shoppers battling it out with the monsters, utilising whatever goods they can as weaponry. You note that the fight doesn’t appear to be going well, and hop over another set of shelves, astonished by how quickly the infection seems to be spreading.
You manage in this way for a surprising amount of time, dodging, climbing and hiding. Escape is clearly impossible, the shutters have been brought down, and the doors locked. Should there be any doubt, at one point the tannoy buzzes into life:
“Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to SupaSaver stores, where bargains cost less. Unfortunately there appears to be some sort of biochemical incident, and it has been necessary for the military to seal off the entire store. Any attempt to leave will be met with an immediate armed response. We apologise for any inconvenience. Have a nice day, and remember – shop SupaSaver for super savings.”
On a few occasions you try to seek safety in offices and storerooms, but all require a keycard for entry – and you have none. Survival gets progressively harder as more and more of the shoppers fall victim to the zombie plague. You notice with some pleasure however, that Ash is not amongst them.
You run out of luck in the fruit and vegetable aisle. Ultimately finding yourself trapped, stood astride a central display of oranges, pointlessly hurling produce at the oncoming mass of slathering death. You close your eyes and wait for the end.
There is a bang, and you’re aware of something hot and wet splattering against your legs. You open your eyes, to find a headless corpse at your feet. The zombies have turned away from you, and are now shuffling towards a woman holding a shotgun. She’s tall, has lots of (auburn) hair and is, yes, holding hands with Ash – who is clearly her son.
She fires again, and more zombies drop, clearing a line between you both.
“Well, come on then, we haven’t got all day.”
[[You leap down from the orange stand, and run to her, muttering your thanks.|a woman with a shotgun.]]
(Set: $Ash to 0)
Wow. Harsh.
[[But, erm, OK - on with the story...|Run away.]]