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<b>PLEASE NOTE:</b> The Unoriginal Fantasy Novel Plot Generator is NSFW and may also contain spoilers for the works it parodies. You have been warned!
<center><b>Which kind of Fantasy story do you want to write?</b>
I want to be the next [[J.K. Rowling.]]
I want to be the next [[J.R.R. Tolkien.]]
I want to be the next [[George R. R. Martin.]]
I want to write about [[goBLINS FUCKING.]]</center>
<i>[[Credits/About]]</i>Want to inspire magic and creativity in an entire generation of children, as well as get away with selling chocolate-bloody-frogs for eight quid each? Brilliant! You should write the following in your story:
Your main protagonist should be <b><<print either("written without a race but universally interpreted as white.", "a half-blind orphan with a deformed face.", "a girl. I know, it's crazy, but try it.", "a pasty ginger.", "the secret love child of your villain and Tim Burton's manic pixie goth girl™.", "a sentient armchair.", "several goblins in a big coat." ) >></b>
Your protagonist's best friends should be <b><<print random(2,13)>> <<print either("unicorns in a committed relationship.", "aesthetic fanbloggers.", "Centaurs who are down to party.", "unholy horrors from the evil forest where kids are sent as a punishment??", "gluten-free wand makers.", "sets of ethnic twins.", "vomit flavoured jelly beans.", "invisible death horses.", "screaming plant babies.", "three-headed danger doggos.", "unsuitable parental figures.", "sexy men who turn into dogs.", "sad werewolves.", "pink-haired, underwritten women." ) >></b>
The four main magical houses are called <b><<print either("Jigglypuff", "Gryffinwhore", "Flump", "Brexit", "Cumberbatch", "Sniggle", "Gryffinrawr", "Jiffindoor", "Whippinyaw", "Brave Bird" ) >>, <<print either("Lidl", "Toot", "Dab", "Sparklefart", "YOLO", "Caw Caw Caucasians", "Featherbottom", "Snuffletuff", "Pufflepoof", "Badgerpuff" ) >>, <<print either("Barry", "Crumb", "Keith", "Colin", "Coca-Cola Classic", "Parp", "Mub", "RavenSNORE lol", "Flappington", "Pigfarts", "Snarflesnap", "Rave", "Hoofledoom" ) >> and <<print either("Teriyaki", "Birdface", "Snnnnaaakkkkesss", "The House of the Rising Sun", "Domino's Mighty Meaty®", "Coca-Cola Zero Sugar", "Domino’s Tandoori Hot®", "10 points to Dusseldorf", "SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!", "Slitherdither", "Slippery Jerry", "Slimy", "Slipadeedoodah" ) >>. </b>
Your story should contain no less than <b><<print random(2,99)>> <<print either("HIV metaphors.", "closeted Centaurs.", "goat fuckers???", "Tolkien misspellings.", "homoerotic wand rubbings.", "wizard beards full of secrets.", "romanticisations of the English class system.", "ANGRY CAPS LOCK SENTENCES.", "forced romances.", "awkwardly adolescent hormonal surges.", "heteronormative re-enforcements.", "beloved character deaths.", "child deaths.", "magical cereal boxes.", "texts from yo mama that scream at ya." ) >></b>
You should title it <b><<print either("Jeff", "Kenneth", "Alan", "Mike", "Preston", "Horatio", "Penelope", "Barry", "Angelica", "Lin-Manuel", "Alexander" ) >> and the <<print either("Philosopher's", "Chamber of", "Prisoner of", "Order of", "Goblet of", "Half-Blood", "Deathly" ) >> <<print either("Butts", "Half-Arsed Plotlines", "Inappropriate Student-Teacher Interpersonal Relationships", "Badgers", "Pinterest", "Seinfeld DVDs", "Clem", "Bees?", "Kebabs", "Child Murders" ) >>.</b>
[[Try again?|J.K. Rowling.]]
I want to [[write a different story!|Home]]Want to spend your whole life creating entire languages and worlds, only to have your work eventually butchered by filthy-rich Hollywood execs? Awesome! Write the following:
Your main protagonist should be <b><<print either("a tree who is also somehow a person", "a disturbingly large pigeon", "a pretty, pretty Elf dude", "a terrifyingly powerful Elf maiden", "a capitalist dragon", "a hairy-footed man child", "a pony worth weeping over" ) >>.</b>
Their best friend is <b><<print either("hella gay for them", "a hobo tree wizard", "a kebab-loving Northener", "a man who turns into a bear...or is he a bear who turns into a man? whoa", "one of those dragon/donkey hybrid Shrek monster babies", "a wisecracking enchanted sword", "an Elf who wears distractingly tight leggings" ) >>.</b>
They should go on a quest to destroy <b><<print either("a sock", "a shiny stone", "the patriarchy", "toxic masculinity", "capitalism", "an ugly waistcoat", "Lee Pace's eyebrows" ) >>.</b>
They are eventually saved from danger by <b><<print either("crazy Elf quick time events", "the power of friendship", "just saying 'fuck it' and going home", "remembering that they're white, so they'll be fine", "sacrificing Sean Bean to the Gods", "a Health and Safety officer who is like 'Yo, did you even sign a contract? You have rights, you know.'", "a man-bear who is a friend to the bees" ) >>.</b>
You should title it The <b><<print either("King", "Queen", "Princess", "Prince", "Lady", "Duke", "Duchess" ) >> of the <<print either("Shinies", "Bracelets", "Bling", "Earrings", "Finger Blings", "Sparklies", "Cash 4 Gold Envelopes" ) >>.</b>
[[Try again?|J.R.R. Tolkien.]]
I want to [[write a different story!|Home]]Want to have people constantly telling you that you should be writing more quickly because you're old and you'll be dead soon? GREAT! Put the following things in your novel:
The main protagonists will be <b><<print random(2,13)>> <<print either("hollow-eyed wolf children", "recently beheaded bearded men", "badass snake sisters", "sexy dragon ladies", "olive-skinned racial stereotypes", "purple-eyed literature devotees", "small murder children", "tragic whores", "creepy, creepy Uncles" ) >>.</b>
The House Sigils will include such vivid symbols as <b><<print either("a bucket of apples", "Sean Bean", "banana slugs", "shitty owls", "Katy Perry", "sad zoo bears", "robot bees", "velociraptors", "fascist geese", "a cool sheep" ) >></b> and <b><<print either("Peter Dinklage", "ducklings born without fear of God", "a bag of pork scratchings", "cheap domestic ale", "sad child actors", "gratuitous female nudity", "a barrel of rusty mufflers", "tiny, tiny horses", "fat pigeons", "a wheel of cheese", "cabbages" )>>.</b>
The compulsory incest scene will involve <b><<print either("a wealthy Prince", "a tavern wench", "a fierce Lord", "a confused Princess", "a mentally ill King", "a dragon", "a magic fire lady", "a wealthy heiress", "a brave soldier" )>></b> and their <b><<print either("sister", "brother", "grandmother", "cousin", "dog", "Uncle", "Aunt" )>></b> doing some terrible things.
<b><<print random(2,1300)>></b> characters will die.
The series will be called <b>A <<print either("Song", "Game", "Tale", "War", "Book", "Battle", "Clash" )>> of <<print either("Blood", "Bone", "Gold", "Ice", "Fire", "Sand", "Iron", "Wine", "Thunder", "Frost", "Rage" )>> and <<print either("Failure", "Wealth", "Sexposition", "Marketing", "TV Adaptations", "Pirating", "Booze", "Pizza", "Murder", "Football", "Texting", "Colonialism" )>>.</b>
[[Try again?|George R. R. Martin.]]
I want to [[write a different story!|Home]]Do you want to write some real nasty-ass shit which will inexpicably make you a lot of money? Cool. Put the following in your unedited and poorly formatted Amazon Kindle title:
Your protagonist is unnaturally <b><<print either("busty", "well-endowed", "large-buttocked", "jizz-covered", "sweaty", "kinky", "problematic", "slimy", "arousing", "open-minded", "large-handed", "illiterate", "sticky-handed", "super ignorant", "fanatic", "troubled", "moist" ) >>.</b> In their own world, they are well known as a <b><<print either("Prince", "King", "Sexy Cobbler", "naive Satyr", "Fairy Princess", "No-Nonsense Bounty Hunter", "medieval blogger", "Soccer Mom, but, like, for jousting", "Evil Queen", "Apprentice to the Sorcerer", "Chambermaid", "Rogueish Traveller", "Sexy Pirate King", "Prince of the Savage Hill People" ) >>. </b>
They have sex with <b><<print random(2,69)>></b> goblins and achieve orgasm <b><<print random(2,69)>></b> times.
Their main fetish is <b><<print either("yiffing", "you, the writer", "watching Downton Abbey", "Benedict Cumberbatch", "Thorki fanfiction", "poorly written Destiel fanfiction", "the Hamilton mixtape", "Blizzard Entertainment", "Sonic OC fanart", "the plight of the peasant classes", "blacksmithing", "that new-horse smell", "jousting", "hunting boars for XP", "Feudalism", "The Brothers Grimm", "poisoning apples and giving them to fair maidens", "pistols at dawn", "touching long Wizard beards", "anthropomorphic furniture", "making a really good pot of jam", "sandwiches" ) >>.</b>
They manage to get through <b><<print random(2,69)>></b> bottles of magic <b><<print either("pumpkin", "Elven", "Warlock", "Gnome", "Mage", "Wizard", "Blood Elf", "ale", "forest", "Nymph", "horse", "pumpkin spice", "throw pillow" ) >></b> flavoured sex lube during their romps.
They eventually find love in the arms of <b><<print either("John Barrowman", "a problematic white man", "Tom Hiddleston", "the cultural imagination", "a sex-starved witch", "a sentient gingerbread house", "an army of sex bees", "a shoebox full of vibrators", "an out-of-work witch", "a sexually confused Paladin", "a pretty decent Thranduil cosplayer", "your Thursday evening Dungeon Master, Norman", "an unlucky d20", "a Wizards of the Coast employee", "a doe-eyed Cleric", "a Ranger who hasn't bathed in weeks", "a gorgeously svelte Elf dude", "a gay, stabby Rogue", "a pansexual Paladin...a Panadin?", "the medieval Lin-Manuel Miranda, who raps about immigrant werewolves", "a charming tavern owner", "Chris Perkins, Dungeon Master to the Stars", "a sparkly-eyed dragon", "The Troll King, Rambargio the Devourer", "a snake charmer", "a really buff blacksmith", "an asexual Mage", "a shiny pirate" ) >>.</b>
[[Try again? ...i-if you really want this?|goBLINS FUCKING.]]
I want to [[write a different story!|Home]]<i>V 1.1 notes: Thanks for the feedback/nice comments on 1.0! I've added a bunch of new adjectives and fixed a couple of typos. 1.2 will involve a new author's work, and you're welcome to suggest writers for it! Hit me up @cassieparkes with ideas.</i>
The Unoriginal Fantasy Novel Plot Generator</i> was created by Cassie Parkes in 2016 to parody some of her favourite Fantasy works. She means no disrespect to the mentioned authors and/or those who may work with them, she just finds a lot of joy in picking apart Fantasy tropes and making crude little games out of them.
She is on Twitter and Tumblr @cassieparkes.
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