Everybody Loves Metal Gear Raymond

Welcome to Everybody Loves Metal Gear Raymond, a Tactical Espionage Action game staring a young Solid Snake. Are you ready to start the "adventure of a lifetime"? [[Y]]/[[N]]

Thank you. To set our scene, you're having a fag on a helicopter while listening to Colonel Campbell on your radio receiver. "Snake, this will be your first live sneaking mission. We're going to be dropping you from a helicopter over some pretty dirty bog water. Of course, you'll be wearing only the most basic of sneaking suits and we forgot to give you a gun, so...eh...that okay?" [[Say nothing]] or [[Argue]]

Are you sure you want to do this? [[End this]] or [[Actually, I'd like to play it]]

You grumble something at the Colonel about wanting "a big fucking gun". There is a silence. "What kind of gun are you looking for?" You pause for a minute, gathering your thoughts. “I'd like a gun with a feeding ramp polished to a mirror sheen. The slide’s got to be reinforced. And the interlock with the frame must be tightened for added precision. The sight system must be original, too. The thumb safety would be extended to make it easier on the finger. A long-type trigger with non-slip grooves. A ring hammer… The base of the trigger guard’s will need to be filed down for a higher grip. And not only that, nearly every part of the gun has to been expertly crafted and customized.” Another silence follows. "Snake...I don't think you understand. This is a helicopter, not a Millets. Are we going to have a problem?" [[Say nothing]]

There we go. The adventure never started. Snake doesn't stop Big Boss in Metal Gear 1, instead he decides to work in a Millets. Millet Gear Solid V is coming in September. I hope you're happy. [[The Beginning]]

Tough. You made your choice. Thought you'd be funny and make the daft choice and then back out of it? Oh no. You have made Kojima-San upset. You monster. [[The Beginning]]

"Good, glad we covered that. Your mission will be to investigate reports we've had about a rogue military outfit trying to sell a bipedal tank controlled by the sexiest AI ever created. This is a sneaking mission, Snake. We can't afford for you to be caught by the group, so if you are, we have a plan in place to get you out of there pronto. It's in a box under your seat." You reach under the seat and pull out a small box, no bigger than the shoe box for a pair of women's converse. You open the lid to find a rusty grenade. You make a grunting noise that sounds like surprise. "That's right Snake, if you get caught, you've to pull the pin on that grenade and kiss existance goodbye." [[You pop the grenade gingerly in your pocket]] [[Tell Campbell to get to fuck]]

The grenade feels awkward in your stealth trousers, but you like the bulge effect. "Right Snake, we're over the drop zone now. We've designed your parachute so that it will be undetectable to radar, but you have to remember to open it at no more than 6000 feet. Good luck Snake, and remember, we can't afford for this new Metal Gear to make it into the hands of our enemies." You stand up and put the parachute on. "Your mission begins....NOW!" [[You run and jump out the helicopter door]] [[You pause, and sit back down]]

You grunt and mumble incoherently. "What was that, Snake? You want me to go and fuck myself?" [[Yes]]

Colonel Campbell mulls over the insult. "Snake, you really have to think before you say things like that. It really hurts my feelings when you say things like this." You begin to feel bad. You try to apologise to the Colonel, but the words don't come. The helicopter flies over the drop zone and keeps going while you think over the words you can't take back. Eventually, over the course of many years, the helicopter finally flies into the sun. As the heat from the sun burns away your aged flesh, you smile knowing that this is how forgiveness feels. [[The Beginning]]

"Snake, are you okay?" As you sit down, you realise that all of this, all of the war, death and danger isn't what you want from life. You stay in the helicopter until it arrives back at the base. You resign from Foxhound and start a new life, working in Global Video. When the company goes into administration in June 2006, Snake is left to think over the decisions he's made that have led him to this point. At times, we wonders if this is all some dream, that maybe this is really just the few seconds before the great jump and that if he wishes, really wishes, he might be able to go back to that helicopter and make the right decision. Maybe this can be your second chance to be a hero. [[You run and jump out the helicopter door]] [[You apply for a job at Blockbuster]]

As you fall through the air, you remember that Campbell said you had to open your chute at a certain height. You are currently at 12,000ft. Will you pull the parachute cord? [[Why not?]] [[Hmmm, not yet]]

[[http://www.blockbuster.com.au/info/Employment/]] [[The Beginning]]

You pull the cord and instantly appear on the enemy radar. The anti-air guns blow your fragile body into a red mist. Everything you could've been, all your potential, is gone. [[The Beginning]]

You keep falling, the ground is rising towards you at speed. You guess that you're now at about 9000ft. Your parachute cord pulling hand is getting itchy. Do you pull the cord? [[100% yes]] [[I'll give it a minute first]]

You pull the cord early and your parachute explodes upwards, creating a magnificently loud farting sound which alerts the guards on the ground. You're still giggling when the bullets rip through your face, neck and chest. Oh well. [[The Beginning]]

Hopefully, that was a wise decision. As your body falls towards Gaia, you remember a time at High School when you went to ask Jennifer to the Prom and instead of words, you sneezed in her face. As this awful memory rattles about in your head, you suddenly realise that you're about 6000ft from the landing zone. What will you do, sweetpea? [[Fuck it, pull it]] [[Fuck it, leave it]]

Yes, you fucking did it, I'm proud of you. You pull the cord and your parachute unfurls silently and guides you to the ground, smooth as fuck. Like James Bond would. You gather up the parachute and set it on fire. Later you'll wonder why you did that. Oh well, you take a look around your surroundings. The base is surprisingly small, almost too small. You absently wonder if this adventure is going to be the full length, triple A experience you've been waiting for. About 200 metres away, you see the warehouse where the bi-pedal tank is believed to be housed. Between you and your target are three guards, all facing away from you. What do you fancy doing? [[Wait]] [[Creep towards the guards]]

That was definitely the right choice. You congratulate yourself. You should feel pretty proud of yourself, you've solved the puzzle! I'll admit, I thought you'd pull the cord. I really did. I was telling my wife earlier, I said "100%, they'll pull the cord at 6000ft, no way will they leave it". Thing is, she said that 6000ft would be enough and that making the joke last any longer would be boring. Remember, this wasn't my choice. Maybe in the next life. [[The Beginning]]

You wait. You wait. Nothing changes, everything stays the same. The earth continues to revolve around the sun, time flows onwards, and you wait. Come on, we can't wait forever. Take this chance, this beautiful second chance to take action! [[Creep towards the guards]] [[I'm waiting, and that's that.]]

You lie upon the ground, like the snake that your are, and you slither towards the guards. Thankfully, they are all still facing towards the warehouse and away from you. You move so silently, so smoothly that you begin to feel aroused. You table that for now, and quickly you are behind the three guards. [[Finally, the chance for some action!]] [[Crawl past]]

Fine. Have it your way. You wait. You turn to stone. [[The Beginning]]

Let's do this. Time for some excitment! [[Lethal]] [[Non-lethal]]

You crawl past the guards and I'm sure you must be proud of yourself. This was a pretty safe, boring move. I spent hours writing an indepth action scene. Seriously, it's great. But, you've made your choice. [[You make it to the warehouse door]]

You stand in front of the warehouse, you walk to the door and nothing happens. It's locked. There's a slot for a key card, but fuck going backwards, life is about forward motion. [[Chap the door]] [[Look around]]

You snap the first guard's neck, take his side-arm and hold up the other two guards. What next, killer? [[Tie up the remaining guards]] [[Shoot them]]

You spring forward and knock the first guard to the ground. The other two guards turn around to see you spring towards them, arms extended, fists ready. Now that you've knocked out the guards, what will you use to tie them up? [[Look around for rope]] [[Use your trousers]]

Right, what can you use to tie them up. [[Look around for rope]] [[Use your trousers]]

Two shots ring out, two bodies hit the floor. It felt good. The noise brings four more guards, and four more shots later, four more bodies hit the ground. [[Stop now]] [[Give in]]

There is no rope. [[Use your trousers]]

You pull off your trousers, being careful to make sure that your private hairs are kept secret. You tie the guards together, everyone feels weird about it. The guards won't make eye contact with each other. You know that, eventually, you'll have to explain this to Campbell. [[You make it to the warehouse door]]

You look at your hands, stained with the blood of these guards. You have done the Devil's work today, Snake. [[You make it to the warehouse door]]

More guards come, you forward-roll and pick up another gun. You come up firing. You have become more than a man, and less. You are a demon, a creature of anger and death. You are no longer Solid Snake, you are the Angel of Death. You walk the earth of 40 years, killing all the beasts of the air, the land and the sea. Once the earth stands empty, you pull the rusty grenade out of your trousers, pull the pin and become a fine, red mist. [[The Beginning]]

Come on, you didn't think that would work, did you? Okay then, you chap the door. Nothing. You press your ear to the door and you can faintly hear Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys playing. That's it. [[Look around]]

On ground level, mere inches away from the door, is a vent large enough for you to crawl into. What will you do? [[Climb into the vent]] [[Call Campbell]]

You slide into the vent. It's really, really dusty. You wriggle about, hating every minute of this new, awful experience. "I'll never do this again", you think. As you crawl, you come to a T-junction. Do you: [[Go left]] [[Go right]]

“What are you doing Snake, just crouch next to the vent and get your arse inside. Come on now. I’m really beginning to regret sending you.” [[Climb into the vent]]

You come to the end of the vent, and push open the grill. [[Slide out into the light, like a newborn]]

It's funny how both directions of the vent led into the same room, almost like fate. You crouch behind a crate, and you peep over the top. What do you spy? A guard! This is it, you can't afford to get caught. What will you do? [[Bribe him]] [[Knock him out]]

You tap the guard on his shoulder, he turns and you realise all you have to offer is the rusty grenade in your pants. You fumble with your pants and try to pull it out. The guard leaps back, raises his gun and blows you away, you pervert. [[The Beginning]]

You somersault over the crate, sweep the guard's legs out from under him and punch him in the face approx 5 times before he hits the ground. He's either knocked out or pretending, and that's good enough for you. Time to check in with HQ to see what you should do next. [[Call Big Boss]] [[Radio Campbell]]

You get down on one knee and call Big Boss. It rings and rings and goes to voicemail. You feel alone. [[Radio Campbell]]

"Hello Snake, how's the mission going so far?" You explain briefly how it's been so far, conveniently reflecting all the different paths you might have chosen to get here. "Right, sounds...interesting. Well, now that you're in the warehouse, there should be a door at the far end and from our intelligence, the AI should be behind that door. In fact, it's really lucky you came in this way, because it's minimally guarded. The other side is full of guards and some pretty interesting characters with a wide range of interesting talents and abilities. Oh well, just go over to that unlocked door and find a way to destroy this new weapon. Okay?" [[Head over to the door]] [[Keep talking with Campbell]]

The door is slightly ajar, and, if you're honest with yourself, you're pretty disappointed by this. You look at the nearby vent and it looks more secure than this door. Oh well, I guess it's time to confront Metal Gear Raymond. [[Push the door open]] [[Refuse to continue]]

You don't end the conversation. "I'm sorry Snake, I don't have anything else to add." Campbell ends the call. [[Head over to the door]] [[Call Campbell back]]

It rings twice and stops. It's obvious that Campbell has just hung up on you. [[Head over to the door]]

You nudge the door and it swings right open. You stride in confidently, knowing that God is on your side. The room is large and white, like a laboratory. At the far end of the room, a giant metal box sits. In the centre of it, a red light is pulsing slowly. You walk over to the box and you can see a power cable leading from the box into the wall. You step back and look at the box, and notice that under the red light, there appears to be a power button. This must be the button that will turn it off and destroy it, right? [[Push the button]] [[Push the button]]

Well, I can't make you do anything you don't want to. There's some pretty fun stuff coming up, I'm sure you'd like it. [[Push the door open]] [[Don't push the door open]]

That's cool. Don't worry about it. We'll do something else instead. [[You apply for a job at Blockbuster]]

The box starts to shake, you leap back in surprise, although this really was to be expected. A loud whirring noise comes from the box, and two legs extend out from the bottom. A long, thick gun barrel begins to protrude from just under the red light. BOSS ENCOUNTER! You need to think fast, what do you do? [[Dive back]] [[Stand your ground]]

You jump back, avoiding the gun barrel. You land facing the red light which has stopped pulsing and is now a solid, glowing red light. The machine appears to be warming up, you might still have a chance to stop this evil machine. [[Speak to it]] [[Kick the shit out of it]]

You stand firm in front of the AI, strong and beautiful. The gun barrel extends through your chest, killing you instantly. [[The Beginning]]

You grumble at the AI, feeling a little silly. A series of beebs rings out, echoing around the sterile room. Above the gun barrel, a metal plate slides back and a face extends out. It's crude, but you can tell that it's meant to be Ray Romano, who would one day go on to star in Everybody Loves Raymond. It's been long road, but I'm glad we got to this pay-off. It's pretty laboured, but fuck it, it's late and I'm watching Cameron Crowe's "Say Anything". It's good, you should watch it. The metal face of Ray Romano turns towards you, smiles and asks your name. [["My name is Snake"]] [[Panic, then say "Barry"]]

Really? You really thought that would work? Okay...let's think. You try to fight the machine, laying some sweet kicks and punches on the metal casing. You tire out, the AI reacts unpleasantly. You...you're dead. Sorry about that. [[The Beginning]]

"Snake? That's a pretty sexy name. My name is Metal Gear Raymond and I've been built to be an all terrain tank and pleasure machine. My AI has been designed to satisfy all of your sexual and emotional needs", said the electronic voice of Ray Romano. You look into the silver eyes of Metal Gear Raymond, and you feel like you could open up to him, trust him. [[Edge Closer]] [[Stand still]]

"You don't look like a Barry", replies the metal face of Ray Romano. "You sure?" [[Keep lying]] [["My name is Snake"]]

"I don't believe you. I'm sorry 'Barry', but this flirtation is over." Before you can move, the chest cannon booms and where your heart was once planted, a hole now grows. [[The Beginning]]

You edge a little closer, and stop. "I've been hurt before, Metal Gear Raymond." "I would never hurt you, unless it would make you orgasm." [[Do you think a man could love a machine?]] [[Start to strip]]

You stay still, hoping that the desire you feel in your body will subside. Metal Gear Raymond looks a little hurt. "What's wrong Snake?" [["I'm shy"]] [[Edge Closer]]

"Don't be shy. I just want to bring you to a full climax." The face of Metal Gear Raymond appears to be glistening, as if he was sweating. "Come here Snake, let me embrace and probe you", the mechanical voice of Ray Romano whispered. [[Do you think a man could love a machine?]]

"I think that a man could love a machine like you, Metal Gear Raymond." The gun barrel glistens. It's getting hot in the lab. Metal Gear Raymond comes a step closer. You can feel your heart beating in your throat. Every word that you hear in the soothing and sensual voice of Ray Romano makes you feel more aroused. "Let me embrace you, Snake." [[Take me]] [[I can't...this isn't right]]

You peel off what remains of your sneaking suit, and as your wriggle out of your slinky stealth pants, the pin of the grenade comes flying off. You soak Metal Gear Raymond with gore. He turns and looks at the live studio audience, rolls his eyes and whispers "Debra". [[The Beginning]]

You open your arms, waiting for the best sex of your life. Metal Gear Raymond takes his final step and you can smell the heat radiating from his metal surface. The last steps brings him into your arms and also pulls the power socket from the wall, draining Metal Gear Raymond of both his libido and the power to his circuits. You stand, still with your arms outstretched, waiting. The hug will never come. The AI Metal Gear Raymond has been defeated, but at what cost? Snake leaves out the back door of the warehouse, slowly heading back to the pickup point. In his hand he clutches the microchips that formed the personality of the machine he loved. And he never loved another Metal Gear again. [[The End]]

You turn to leave, Metal Gear Raymond reaches out to you, but you know he'd just break your heart. You leave the way you came in, never looking back. You are strong, independent and determined. You have, however, not achieved the good ending. [[The Beginning]]

[[http://www.blockbuster.com.au/info/Employment/]] [[The Beginning]]